The Art of Thanksgiving: A Guide to Perfect Decorum (video version)

I wrote this Thanksgiving Guide back in 2012 and over the years people always asked me to repost it. Since I’ve recently taken up with AI narrated videos, I thought I’d bring the old blog into the modern era with a few videos.

Enjoy and Happy Thanksgiving.

SIRS —

I tried many things today until one worked. I ended up taking 10% sized positions in the top rated stocks inside Stocklabs and hedged that with $SQQQ and $TZA and came out at SESSION FUCKING HIGHS. It was fun to play and even better to have won. The Gods answered by prayers and bestowed the gifts of the plenty unto me, and the wrath of vengeance on those betting against me.

I’ve revised my opinion for BLACKED FRIDAY to neutral — but maintain a terrible forecast for all of December. You might thing we’ll make it — but we won’t.

Today we cook and prepare for tomorrow’s feast. We will drink wine and celebrate the annihilation of the savagery from the Americas — the ascendency of Europeans — forging an empire out from the woods and the marshes. When I saw “we will drink” to these things, I mostly mean just me and to myself — since no one else in my family shares of my ideals.

DO NOT WORRY — it’s not all that serious and I concern myself with other things in much greater detail. I am a very serious internet person — but much more affable in person where my interests are wholly concerned with family and having a good laugh.

Speaking of which, I will be laughing all the way to the fucking bank when PAX AMERICANA crashes into 2024 and you’re all festooned with losses — crying in the comments section about how you were tricked and fooled, cajoled even, into believing in the bull.

Those days are interminably over and all we have now are whims, rumors and hope.

Happy thanksgiving to all and be sure to check into iBankCoin tomorrow, where I intend to convert one of my classic Thanksgiving posts into video.

Cheers.

Before I go into holiday mode and fuck off, I got an idea whilst walking the dogs to LOAD THE FUCK UP on the highest rated stocks inside Stocklabs — hedged with some shorts. This way, I can’t lose. My longs will go up and the shorts will go up and I can achieve and unlock UNLIMITED MONEY HACKS.

With my new found fortunes, I might do aggressive takeovers and tell people about it AHEAD OF TIME to get them arrested and tossed into prison. For me friends, I’ll refrain from having them arrested, as I am honorable in this regard.

I do believe, down to the very core of who I am as a person, STOCKS WILL COLLAPSE on Friday. I also believe December will be a meaningless month, forgetful and a waste of time. I will use December to pad my year to date gains, which now stand at an impressive +49%.

Actually, I only say that to boast, when in fact my real feelings are much less secure. I do not feeeeeel any sense of achievement for 2023 and if being honest — I could’ve been better, done more. Some hedge fund managers out there would sell their souls to the devil to attain my knack for trading. I don’t think it’s really a big deal. Anyone with an IQ over 115 can trade like me, if properly motivated.

Into the balance of the session, I want things to go my way. I was just +15bps and now I’m down 12bps, as my new stratagem is turning my fortunes and smile upside down.

What did I say I’d do yesterday? If you recall I believe I said something akin to “when stocks open up tomorrow I’ll sell them and sell short into BLACK FRIDAY based upon looters” and I did none of that. As soon as markets opened the fuck up, I was in there catching deals for new stocks. I was merry and fat and slovenly, +45bps. Nothing could go wrong, as the homosexuals at $NVDA beat the street.

I went to get some coffee and fucking BAM — my hands had been chopped the fuck off clean. I am now down 47bps in frightful pin action, as the world gets sucked into a vortex and shares of $NVDA careen lower. It was supposed to be splendid, joyful even. I was even planning to toast to NATO tomorrow before Thanksgiving meal, to praise them for “protecting the planet from Russia” and helping restore a “rules based order.” NOW LOOK AT ME — BEDRAGGLED BY LOSSES YET AGAIN.

I will not sell or panic. I will wait for better treatment, better prices. I am certain if I just sit here and wait, things will work out. I might even have to hold into BLACKENED FRIDAY and hope the looters change their minds about stealing all of the inventory, as it is the right thing to do.

If possible, say a prayer or two for House Fly and ask the Lord to help me make some more money at the market, as I am in dire need of a new coat and need a little luck here.

It was one of those days that if you started down you stayed down. Volatility collapsed to nothing and intra-day ranges were all but non-existent. I did manage to make 5% in an $ANF trade — but other than that I spun my wheels and went nowhere fast.

To be clear, I have my fork and knife in my hands and I am eagerly sitting at the table, napkin tucked tightly into my shirt, waiting to be served. I worked hard all year, talking shit here, offending people on X. I want what’s coming to me now.

I closed the session downtrodden and bedraggled by losses, off by 108bps. I kept a 111% long position and fully expect to be rewarded for my bullishness tomorrow. If fortunate enough to relish in gains, I will immediately sell and sell short for BLACK FRIDAY — based on my assumption the looters will go absolutely crazy and destroy company inventory with their self imposed reparations.

Ladies and Gentlemen, I do not make these things up. I’m merely a mirror reflecting to you what’s happening in society. We have nothing to live for but today, so make the best of it and know the things that you thought were promised to you have been stolen and if you want to get them back — you’ll have to fight for them.

Son of bitch. I wanted to believe in the Thanksgiving Day Weekly Festival. I envisioned myself girding into vats of gravy, ladling myself with it as if in a bathtub — eating copious amounts of turkey and yams — happy knowing my stocks were soaring based on nostalgia.

Markets opened sharply lower and I waited and waited — but I remain lower by 89bps. I shall not sell short — because I still want to believe and find myself needing patience.

WE ARE RISK OFF based on earnings fears. Today has nothing to do with rates or geopolitics. We are simply down after many days up and also because the fundamentals aren’t too great. They’re not too bad, but not too great.

Into the final few hours, I will pray to the Gods for respite, to provide me, personally, with exceptional talent to see the forest through the trees and to profit from today’s market. With the proceeds, I might venture off and buy a coat for ANTIFA FLY, as the children tend to get cold this time of year. If I made a lot of money, I might even buy myself one.

The impetus to execute the transgendered bulls has passed, an opportunity lost in the westerly winds of progress. Congratulations for all those celebrating TRANSGENDER REMEMBRANCE DAY on this day and may we revel in the adventures of bravery of all of the many sexes out there — people morphing from one to the next in search of pleasure and individualism.

I carried out my day in complete honor, gaining 80bps in genteel trade. This is National Festival Week, a time and place that is very special to Americans — as we celebrate the conquering of the Americas — superior people building towards the sky with dreams of living forever. We revel in the glory of Pax Americana when we cut into the turkeys and mashed potatoes, heavily gravied — washed down with either Apple cider or nectar of the Gods. I will always reflect back and cherish the many feasts enjoyed at House Fly and the feelings they gave me of hope and safety.

It is unusual for markets to bid lower on this Holy Week, but entirely acceptable to cut the elevator cords on Friday — as Blackened Friday looms and the expectations rarely if ever meld with reality.

I offer nothing but good tidings and happy days, at least until Friday. I shall not sell short, not matter my feelings and will only remind you, the unwashed reader, that to bet against the fondest memories and ravage their meaning is self-hatred. Love thyself before you can love others.

With that being said, I still hate you all — but feel that I am especially talented and gifted, unique in many regards, and will do as I like when I prefer to do it.

Look at me bowling on my many enemies, flaying them alive under the Bull sigil.

Conservatards are out in full force celebrating the ascendancy of mental patient escapee Milei getting ‘elected’ in Argentina, a nation not at all relevent since Hitler fled there in 1945. He says many abrasive things, all directed squarely at the “LIBTARDS” and makes grand promises to kill them all. The truth is much sadder, as he’s not going to be doing any of that shit at all. Change is genetic and cannot come artificially. The liberal democracies you absolute retards take for granted were bestowed upon us by great men who were visionaries. You cannot export moral ethics to people via one election. The people must do it when no one is looking. The people must want to return the shopping cart in the parking lot when it’s perfectly acceptable to just leave it there for someone else to put away.

GOOD SIRS — you are forgetting the answers.

At any rate, I’m in too good a mood to lecture you people about how things work. My daughter is flying in and I’ll be keeping her up at the airport soon. My spirits are very good, health is most excellent — gains are splendid.

Don’t expect much this week, as America girds into large vats of brown gravy. I’ll have you know, I escaped this morning out of most of my positions and made back what I lost on Friday, +66bps. You might then ask aloud “why well Fly, if it’s “smooth sailing” like you said, why the fuck sell?”

The answer is as obvious as relevant to the tape: I’m afraid to give it back. I’ve been in too many morning reversals to just hold onto a book filled with trading stocks. I feel like doing so invites calamity and the times I have held — markets reversed on me and punished me for my obstinacy.

This why I get to slow things down and hand pick new stocks, probably stupid and probably unnecessary. Nonetheless, my trading is CRUSHING the static quant portfolio of mine, which only trades once per month.

I suppose my methods will not change unless I start performing badly. Until then, I’ll sell every fucking open, no matter the circumstance.

For now, I own $RUM, $ILMN, and $UBER. In my opinion, UBER is a 10 bagger from here, my fat pitch. The RUM story is based off the censorship at YouTube and the stock, in a normal country, would be soaring — as people love free speech. However, we live in an evil country that punishes free speech making RUM risky for that very reason.

I was at church today for the fourth consecutive week after having a sojourn of sorts from organized religion for many years. I grew up being Catholic, switched to Episcopalian later on, and then went through a long period being agnostic/atheist. I am back to Catholicism — because all other forms of Christinaity are inferior frauds, built upon houses of lies.

It’s very easy to not believe in God, even look down on people who do as childish fools who believe in magical notions that can’t be proven in the physical world. But to be this way is also a religion, and you’ll just end up filling the vacuum by believing in other fanciful things like celebrities, politicians, athletes or other forms of idolatry. Truth is, at least for me, being in a church and listening to a well spoken sermon in a clean well kept building, adorned with gold chalices, well ironed robes, polish woods, and wonderfully crafted stained glass represents order and grace. I think anyone in need of peace and equanimity should visit his/her local parish and instill the virtues of God into their children; because if you don’t the vacuum will be filled by your local GLOBOHOMO politicians who do not share family friendly ethics, sense of justice, or morality.

There is an old saying “cleanliness is next to Godliness” and I think about that a lot because, unbeknownst to many of you who only see my belligerent side, I endeavor to improve as a person.

After church, we ventured off to clean my son’s new place, spend $600 at Whole Foods for Thanksgiving, and then read a little at home amidst Stan Getz jazz, family chatter, in a well lit room.

Finally, I sharpened two chef knives, made some sugared cranned-berries in preparation for Thanksgiving (I am what you might call a mixologist), which is an exciting holiday for me. The kids come back from college to spend the week with us and my wife and I enjoy spending maximum amounts of time with them — watching movies, dining out, playing games, trying to help them become happier and well balanced people. It’s not easy and I often regret not instilling certain moral values in them — but it does no good thinking about missed trades so I choose to think ahead.

Speaking of which, NASDAQ futs are -36 and I exited Friday fully long and emotionally scarred from a week of trading like an absolute bitch. I will be extremely angry in the morning should things not materialize in my favour.

Good night.