18 years in Wall Street, left after finding out it was all horseshit. Founder/ Master and Commander: iBankCoin, finance news and commentary from the future.
Joined Nov 10, 2007
19,511 Blog Posts


At this point, the market is just ridiculous. Now rates are running, and I mean running higher. Where were they a week ago, 1.99%? Well now the 10yr is 2.12% and on the move higher. Oh you thought the Fed was gonna tighten and cut rates? How about WRONG — now they’re gonna jack them the fuck higher. They can do whatever the hell they want, as long as the market gives them permission.

This higher rate business isn’t having an iota effect on stocks. They’re still going up. Does anyone even look at this shit anymore?

European markets are running to the upside and we’re foaming from out mouths — waiting to be released from our cages. You can tell there’s another 500 fucking points of plain degenerate upside left in this thing. Lots of milquetoast action today — but don’t be fooled by it.

I am running very late today, as I had a very late night yesterday. But I’m here now and ready to pounce. Naturally the fucking quotes in Exodus are busted and I’m trying to get that fixed as I juggle 20 other things. I should get a fucking medal for the work I do here.

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Milking Jack

That might seem like a homo-erotic post — but it wasn’t meant to be. Sure, Jack Dempsey is a billionaire hustler in the virtual reality world and some might view him as a weirdo fuckhead; but not me. BIG FAN of Jack here and I want to milk him for all of his net worth.

Let me rephrase that. I’m not actually taking anything from him, but merely siphoning from his magic pixy dust that he sprinkles onto his fucking stocks.

I bought and sold SQ the other day for profit and now I bought TWTR for an overnight hold. I know I said “NO MORE FREE PICKS ON THE FREE SITE.” But the day is over and this stock will be sold in the morning for another handsome profit.

Mark my words. I cannot be denied.

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Fly’s overnight trading success continues. On Friday I stepped in large, big dicked style, and bought LYFT. Do you know what I did today? I sold that shit for +1.75%. While that might sound like a small dicked again, the exact opposite of what you’d expect from Plutonium Petey — if you annualize it — I made 442%.

Here are my last dozen trades. Dozen — like eggs — only two cracked. Not bad.

OSTK +3%
ZS +7.1%
ROKU +4.7%
(COHR -6.66%)
CRWD +2.9%
KTB +5.2%
BYND +7.7%
O +3.2%
WELL +4.5%
(ZM -1.3%)
SQ +2.55%
LYFT +1.75%

By the way, I loved ZM — but rules are rules. I do not make them, but follow them. I would’ve held ZM if the rules didn’t say “OVERNIGHT TRADES” — but they did, so I lost money on it. Now you see ZM is cresting like a motherfucker — surf boarding on shorts — straight stunting. God bless and you’re welcome. That’s all I have to say — you are welcomed.

All trades are done in real time, emailed and texted the fuck out in Exodus.

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Distracted By Non-Market Events Today

As you all know, I am selling my house. Today I was informed, just matter of factly, that a new NJ law dictates that ALL fire detectors in the house must be of the 10yr lithium battery varietal — something I had no idea was a thing. This means, in order to execute the sale of my fucking home, I will need to sashay over to Home Depot — buy 20 of these fuckers, and spend the next 100 hours installing them around my house.

Frankly, I understand the reason for this — since fire alarms run low on batteries and next thing you know — you’re crisped to a fucking cinder. But come on — fuck off with this shit already. My Grandparents used to put lit candles on their Christmas trees. No one gave a shit back then and if you had a little fire — it wasn’t a big deal. Sometimes the whole block would burn down, even the city, just because someone fell asleep in the bed with a lit cigarette. People died, firemen were called to sweep the charred remains of idiots into dustbins and jogged on.

Aside from that, everything is fucking awesome. I had my water heater replaced in the winter and it didn’t get inspected. So now I have to get it inspected. What sort of shit is this?

Stock market wise: buy LK and live happily ever after.

More later.

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It’s Time to Participate in Some ‘Hundred Dollar Rolls’

The easiest money anyone can make is partaking in hundred dollar rolls. What is a hundred dollar roll? It’s the laws of attraction being thrusted into action when a stock comes up the magical price of $100 and glides, effortlessly, to $106. When I was a stockbroker in NYC we’d play these stocks all the time via options and make a mint.

The best rolls are the ones with strong growth, volume, and at record highs. You don’t want rolls in bad stocks, but the best. Every major winner in the history of mankind has hundred dollar rolled — MSFT, AMZN, AAPL, GOOGL etc. Had you only bought those stocks when they broke the magical transom of $99, you’d be in St. Bart’s now sniffing adderall off a hooker.

Here are my top hundred dollar roll prospects, courtesy of Exodus. By the way, if you want to win at this game, invest in yourself by buying some tools. Exodus is the best — so you should join. Now that we got that out of the way, here is more generosity — courtesy of Le Fly (as he’s popularly known in France).


In case you’re wondering about some recent success stories in the hundred dollar roll arena aka “Hundy Rolls” — check these out — fucked faces.


Some argue and say ‘this is the easiest money one could ever make. You might as well drop what you’re doing and only dedicate yourself to hundy rolls.’

WHOA — ease up there pal. Hundy Rolls are great — but there are other fish in the sea. Listen to me, never commit to only one thing — for it makes for a life of melancholy fuckery. You don’t want that.

Onward we go.

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Required Reading: Who the Fuck is Jeff Epstein?

This is a fascinating read.

Bearshitter Doug Kass puts on his sleuth hat and investigates who the fuck Jeffrey Epstein is and how in the God damned did he make all of his money? He claims to be a hedge fund manager, yet no one has ever traded with him and he has zero notable clients, aside from the pervert founder of Victoria’s Secret.

“How did he get the money?” Kass kept asking.

For decades, Epstein has been credulously described as a big-time hedge-fund manager and a billionaire, even though there’s not a lot of evidence that he is either. There appears little chance the public is going to get definitive answers anytime soon. In a July 11 letter to the New York federal judge overseeing Epstein’s sex-trafficking case, Epstein’s attorney offered to provide “sealed disclosures” about Epstein’s finances to determine the size of the bond he would need to post to secure his release from jail pending trial. His brother, Mark, and a friend even offered to chip in if necessary.

Naturally, this air of mystery has especially piqued the interest of real-life, non-pretend hedge-funders. If this guy wasn’t playing their game — and they seem pretty sure he was not — what game was he playing? Intelligencer spoke to several prominent hedge-fund managers to get a read on what their practiced eyes are detecting in all the new information that is coming to light about Epstein in the wake of his indictment by federal prosecutors in New York. Most saw signs of something unsavory at the heart of his business model.

To begin with, there is much skepticism among the hedgies Intelligencer spoke with that Epstein made the money he has — and he appears to have a lot, given a lavish portfolio of homes and private aircraft — as a traditional money manager. A fund manager who knows well how that kind of fortune is acquired notes, “It’s hard to make a billion dollars quietly.” Epstein never made a peep in the financial world.

Epstein was also missing another key element of a typical thriving hedge fund: investors. Kass couldn’t find any beyond Epstein’s one well-publicized client, retail magnate Les Wexner — nor could other players in the hedge-fund world who undertook similar snooping. “I don’t know anyone who’s ever invested in him; he’s never talked about by any of the allocators,” says one billionaire hedge-fund manager, referring to firms that distribute large pools of money among various funds.

Epstein’s spotty professional history has also drawn a lot of attention in recent days, and Kass says it was one of the first things that raised his suspicions years ago. Now 66, Epstein didn’t come from money and never graduated from college, yet he landed a teaching job at a fancy private school (“unheard of,” says Kass) and rose through the ranks in the early 1980s at investment bank Bear Stearns. Within no time, Kass notes, Epstein was made a partner of the firm — and then was promptly and unceremoniously ousted. (Epstein reportedly left the firm following a minor securities violation.) Despite this “squishy work experience,” as Kass puts it, at some point after his quick exit, Epstein launched his own hedge fund, J. Epstein & Co., later renamed Financial Trust Co. Along the way, he began peddling the improbable narrative that he was so selective he would only work with billionaires.

Oddly, Epstein also claimed to do all the investing by himself while his 150 employees all worked in the back office — which Kass says reminds him of Madoff’s cover story. Though it now appears that Epstein had many fewer employees than he claimed, according to the New York Times:

Thomas Volscho, a sociology professor at the College of Staten Island who has been researching for a book on Mr. Epstein, recently obtained [a 2002 disclosure] form, which shows [Epstein’s] Financial Trust had $88 million in contributions from shareholders. In a court filing that year, Mr. Epstein said his firm had about 20 employees, far fewer than the 150 reported at the time by New York magazine.

Given this puzzling set of data points, the hedge-fund managers we spoke to leaned toward the theory that Epstein was running a blackmail scheme under the cover of a hedge fund.

How such a scheme could hypothetically work has been laid out in detail in a thread on the anonymous Twitter feed of @quantian1. It’s worth reading in its entirety, but in summary it is a rough blueprint for how a devious aspiring hedge-fund manager could blackmail rich people into investing with him without raising too many flags.

Kass and former hedge-fund manager Whitney Tilson both emailed the thread around in investing circles and both quickly discovered that their colleagues found it quite convincing. “This actually sounds very plausible,” Tilson wrote in an email forwarding the thread to others.

“He somehow cajoled these guys to invest,” says Kass, speaking of hypothetical blackmailed investors who gave Epstein their money to invest, but managed to keep their names private.

The fact that Epstein’s fund is offshore in a tax haven — it is based in the U.S. Virgin Islands — and has a secret client list both add credence to the blackmail theory.

So what did Epstein do with the money he did have under his management, setting aside the questions of how he got it and how much he had? One hedge-fund manager speculates that Epstein could have just put the client money in an S&P 500 index fund, perhaps with a tax dodge thrown in. “I put in $100 million, I get the S&P 500 minus some fees,” he says, speaking of a theoretical client’s experience. Over the past few decades, the client would have “made a shitload” — as would Epstein. A structure like that wouldn’t have required trading desks or analysts or complex regulatory disclosures.

Kass has kicked around a similar idea: Maybe Epstein just put all the client money in U.S. treasuries — the simplest and safest investment there is, and the kind of thing one guy actually can do by himself.

If the blackmail theory sounds far-fetched, it’s worth keeping in mind that it was also floated by one of Epstein’s victims, Virginia Roberts Giuffre. “Epstein … also got girls for Epstein’s friends and acquaintances. Epstein specifically told me that the reason for him doing this was so that they would ‘owe him,’ they would ‘be in his pocket,’ and he would ‘have something on them,’” she said in a court affidavit, according to the investigative series in the Miami Herald that brought the case back to the public’s attention late last year.

In the 2015 filing, Giuffre claimed that Epstein “debriefed her” after she was forced into sexual encounters so that he could possess “intimate and potentially embarrassing information” to blackmail friends into parking their money with him. She also said photographic and video evidence existed — an assertion that looms especially large now that federal investigators have found a trove of images in Epstein’s home safe.

Lots of rumors swirling around this fucker — such as he’s a kingpin child sex trafficker who hangs out with the power elite in DC. That angle I am less enthused to get involved in. What I am interested in is how The Count of Monte Cristo got his fortune.

This high school graduate, who was a high school math tutor, owns a $56 million mansion in NYC.

Here’s one working theory by some lad on Twitter.

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Happy Saturday lads.

There aren’t many people that I truly hate. These guys — fuckheads from San Francisco, Adam Bowen and James Monsees, took a product that was reviled for ruining lives and causing cancer and turned it into something cool — by targeting kids with a chic device that spit out flavored tobacco. The end result, a brand new generation of kids are addicted to nicotine. Upwards of 80% of high schoolers have vaped, and 50% of middle schoolers. My kids tell me that numbers seem legit and I believe them.

But they’re sorry — so please pardon them.

Juul CEO Kevin Burns said he would tell parents whose children are addicted to Juul’s e-cigarettes, “I’m sorry.”

Former FDA Commissioner Scott Gottlieb blames a teen vaping “epidemic” on Juul.

CNBC investigates the e-cigarette debate in a documentary called “Vaporized: America’s E-cigarette Addiction.”

Juul is 35% owned by Altria and now scheming to raise $10b, mostly overseas. Present valuation is upwards of $45 billion. Out goes big tobacco — in comes BIG VAPE. All of the doctors say vaping is SAFU, sponsored of course by BIG VAPE. This is like the 1950s with those commercials showing the preferred cigarettes for Doctors.

We won’t know the health affects until 10-20 years from now. Does it cause heart disease, cancer, and other debilitating ailments? STAY TUNED!

But they’re sorry.

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You Can’t Stop This Fucking Market From Melting Higher

Everyone is a genius. We’re all masterful traders who can teach others to become rich using a specific set of rules to trade well into the millions. The idea that the market could trade lower again is simply folly. Quite literally, nothing can stop the progress train, not you, not me, and certainly not China.

Who the fuck needs China anyhow?

Trade wars are good for stocks and the Fed is sucking Nasdaq dick all the way to Dow 50,000.

This is, more or less, a license to steal. Massive inflation is just around the bend. Stocks are going to flag higher Zimbabwe style and the dollar is going to dump the fuck out — rendering European exporters defenseless and weak.

This is the Trump Doctrine, gaudy and gauche ebullience, dripping in ornamental gold design, festooned with flowery and brightly rich colorful words, cocaine’d out of its fucking mind in an endless whir of decadence that will blind detractors and make everyone else feel like they’re living in a fucking harem.

Have a degenerate weekend.

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The Overnight Greatness Continues

I sold SQ for a +2.55% overnight win. I’ve had a dozen or more wins of the overnight varietal in recent weeks. Truthfully, I am grateful for this market being so cooperative. That being said, no one is picking the overnights like me.

Absolutely fucking no one.

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Here’s a Stock You Never Want to Sell

Never say never — but if everything remains on the current trajectory, China is going to be the largest consumer of coffee in a decade. The country, thanks to their millennials, are tossing away their tea kettles in favor of French Presses — in droves.

In the early 2000’s, Starbucks sought to infect China with their brand of coffee addiction and it worked. The ancillary effects were a crop of domestic brands popping up to compete with Starbucks — similar to what we have here now with the artisan coffee shops. Back in the 90s, there were practically zero artisan coffee shops in America. If you wanted some fucking coffee — you either went to SBUX, Dunkin Donuts, or some local store — like a bagel shop.

Coffee is on track to overtake tea as China’s drink of choice. According to Coffee Business Intelligence, China’s coffee consumption growth rate is about 20 percent—2 percent higher than the global growth rate. Of those coffee consumers, millennials in China’s growing middle class demographic comprise an overwhelming 75 percent. Considering that China’s middle class is set to double to 600 million people by 2022, there is huge potential for China’s coffee market to grow even further.

“It’s so amazing how the coffee culture in China changed in the past 10 years,” marvels Charlie Gu, self-described coffee enthusiast and CEO of marketing agency Kollective Influence. “Back then, people didn’t even know how to make coffee—Chinese people were only exposed to instant coffee from Nestle.”

Ever since Starbucks opened its first storefront in Beijing in 1999, the number of coffee shops in China has ballooned. Starbucks alone currently has 3,400 outlets in China (the country is Starbucks’ second-largest market, after the United States) and plans to have 6,000 stores by 2022. Luckin Coffee, a Chinese company that launched operations only in January 2018 but already is Starbucks’ main competitor in China, has seen explosive growth, thanks to its strategy of cheap and fast coffee delivery: Luckin currently operates in 21 Chinese cities and 1,400 outlets, with plans to grow to 6,000 stores by 2020. China’s coffee industry offers plenty of opportunities for growth, and it doesn’t seem to be slowing down anytime soon.

Here’s a freebie: buy China’s Starfucks, ticker LK, and never sell it. As the demographics improve, so will the profits for China’s largest independent coffee merchant.

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