18 years in Wall Street, left after finding out it was all horseshit. Founder/ Master and Commander: iBankCoin, finance news and commentary from the future.
Joined Nov 10, 2007
18,241 Blog Posts


Today the plumber stopped by my house and my coyote nearly ate him. I could tell he had been smoking pot, probably because it’s legal and nutritious for you. I brought him downstairs to have a look at my water heater and he immediately said ‘bro you need a new tank.’

I retorted ‘but you haven’t even looked at the damn thing.’

And he said ‘bro, dude, this thing is shot man. You need a new one.’

‘How about just swapping out the part? I don’t want to change the whole heater now.’

‘Good luck finding the part. They don’t even carry it anymore. Go to Amazon and buy it. We’ll plug it in for you.’

And then he left, leaving behind a $125 invoice.

America is a wild ravenous place, filled with degenerates and drug addicts, all chasing greedily after paper money. If you’re fortunate to have some of it, others with less will try to take it from you — sometimes by force.

The beautiful thing about the stock market is that it displays these horrible traits in real time and on a very live stage. We’re all in the arena trying to rip off one another — duping someone with our shares because we’re done with them and couldn’t care less if the buyer went bankrupt buying them from us. It’s an indecorous game of capitalism, unrelenting in its viciousness and divisiveness. It just so happens that I am a superior being when it comes to trading — the very best the world has ever seen.

Case in point, I entered today long TLRY, SHSP, SONO, MOMO and I edged into CRON and HUYA throughout the trading day. My winning streak is going to be the biggest ever. My last streak, enjoyed two months ago, was 38 wins out of 39. This time around, I intend to win 50 straight times, without even the smallest of downticks. The market is in my wheelhouse now and there is nothing that could be done to stop me.

The stock Gods are dead. I am the stock God. Bow down before my presence.


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Fly Buys: $NEPT, $HUYA

I added to my pot exposure by buying NEPT.

The HUYA purchase is me future signaling a resurgence in the China-com trade — which has been dead for a month or so now.

I sold out of DOMO for a 1% loss and remain very long SONO, MOMO and many other delicacies that are making me rich-er.

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The Shopping Mall is De

Retail has been the best performing sector over the past year, by a fairly wide margin. Whilst headlines of JCP, Toys R Us, and SHLD closing up shop take center stage, the rest of the retailFAG sector has been on fucking fire.

Aside from Jeff Macke, has anyone else even looked at apparel stores? This has to be the most hated sector in the history of the market — vehemently reviled and spat upon by scores of people who believe the mall is, in fact, dead. The idea of taking hard earned dollars and investing it into mall based operators seems, on the surface, like the stupidest things a person could do. Yet, lo and behold, it has been the best.

To make money in retail, you would’ve have to been a complete idiot or genius. It just goes to show you the market always takes the path to screw the maximum amount of people at all times. I bet you think retail is good now and have decided to dive in headlong without caution. As soon as you do that, the water will be removed from the fountains at the shopping mall and your head will crack in half, causing your brain fluids to leak out — leaving you retarded and broke for the remainder of your days till expiration.

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Get Some Pot and Smoke it — Totally Legal Now

What a stupid fucking country you live in. Scores of people rotting in prison cells for selling pot did so for no reason at all, now that we now know marijuna is good for you, totally legal, and is permitted to be smoked everywhere. People hate tobacco, but love pot. It cures everything and you can even use the hemp wood to make cabinets and floors.

It’s like a wonder crop that is both medicinal and constructive. I gather all of those lads rotting in prison cells are grateful to America’s lawmakers for finally realizing that drugs are a profitable business that could generate immense revenues, whilst at the same time enriching the people with cannabis vitamins that is as good, if not better, for you than vitamin C or A.

I want to head out to my local dispensary and buy a few pounds, dash that shit into my meals and smoke it after supper. I’ll smoke some before bed too, this way I can get my proper nutrients before I rest. This will ensure a sound sleep and vibrant morning.

I’m long cannabis vitamins in size, via TLRY and CRON. I just bought CRON and feel the momentum in this sector is only first beginning. Our degenerate cousins to the north of us are spearheading this medicinal craze and I expect it to gain stream — just like that Canada Goose craze — which has nice minded people wearing dog fur around their necks.

This is all a bit too much for you to handle in the morning. Just know that Le Fly is smoking pot now and does so because it’s nutritious and totally legal. I smoke pot in front of the police station and there’s nothing those pigs can do about it.

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Last night my water heater stopped working, causing me to shower amidst the frigid waters of the northeast. I considered this affliction to be a great boon, a gift from the heavens above — a series of circumstances that will make me a fortune.

Whenever domestic issues plague Le Fly, his professional livelihood undergoes tremendous growth. I can tell endless stories of pipes bursting, toilet bowls dislocating, and shower heads popping off in comedic form — flooding my house with ravenous certitude — causing me to call the fire department so they could show me where my water main was located.

All of these events lead to stock market winship of the unparalleled varietal. Why, when my shower pipe busted and all of the waters of Staten Island flowed freely throughout my abode and I was caught in my boxers bucketing water out from the tub into the toilet — only to be frantically rescued by mustached firemen — the financial crisis soon hit America and I made vast sums of coin shorting banks.

While I do not expect anything of that magnitude to strike now, I do expect some sort of directional pivot and I expect, as is the custom with these events, to capitalize SEVERELY from the transgressions of others.

Early going, the market sucks, but I am making coin.

Yes, indeud. Try to stop TLRY, SONO and MOMO from heading higher. It’ll bankrupt you 10 times over if you tried.

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Pepsi Buys Idiotic Soda Pop Company, Sodastream, for $3.2 Billion

I don’t know a single person who owns a Sodastream device. Maybe it’s huge in Israel or some dark corner in S. America. But this shit is entirely pointless and Pepsi has literally just tossed $3.2b into the sewer.

PepsiCo will pay $144.00 per share in cash for SodaStream’s outstanding stock, which is a 32 percent premium to its 30-day volume weighted average price.

Pointless crap

Who the fuck is drinking soda anyway? Haven’t we, as a civilization, decided that soda is absolute shit? The Victorian days of sarsaparilla being a desirable beverage is long gone. If anything, this acquisition should give shareholders of FIZZ an absolute woody, absolutely. They actually sell beverages that are healthy and people like.

Who the fuck is making grape soda in their kitchen?

Looks like the suspicious owners of the August 134 calls are gonna get their dicks sucked tomorrow.

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This Week’s Trading is Going to be Bananas

The summer is winding down and junior at the trading turret is tight — extremely stressed for not performing well while his cocaine addled manager is out in the Hamptons being a fantastic host and overall great person.

The FANG stocks haven’t been working all that well and trading has been listless for several weeks now. I can sense things are coming to a head and junior is on the verge of sperging the fuck out and committing massive funds into wayward idea gleaned off the interwebs.

Here, look at this junior — top rated stocks by Sortino ratio. Your manager would be proud of you if you bought these stocks.

Here’s another idea. How about gold — so cheap, yet so vehemently hated. People get stressed when I ask them about gold. It was supposed to do something, but it never quite worked out that way.

According to Exodus, gold is near oversold levels. You should step in.

Truth be told, this market was tailor made for me. I am on the verge of taking pick axes to the brains of my enemies this week, as my SAAS position roll into high gear and crush short sellers into flat pieces of flesh. The momentum trade is where I’m best utilized, thinly traded with junior tangentially moving around in search of the green light.

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What’s Cooking This Sunday Evening?

Last night I cooked breakfast for dinner — panned cakes, eggs in a basket inside very thickly cut tuscan bread, fried chicken, and thickly cut bacon. I probably ingested 2,000 calories and consider myself a better man for it.

Over the past few months, I’ve focused my obsessive energies in two directions.

1. Making Exodus better. Doing demos, educational emails etc.
2. Cooking

I’ve always been a competent cook, but mostly by instinct. I never had formal training and I never took it seriously. Like most men, I’d slap a few steaks on the grill, sauté a few onions in a pan, pour myself a healthy amount of red win, and then consider myself to be the best chef who ever lived.

I never cared about the quality of my knives or materials that have been acquired over the years, sitting in my kitchen cabinets.

Boy was I missing out on a lot of creative fun.

I realize cooking takes a lot of time and many of you do not have the intellectual capacity to follow rigid rules and understand the discipline involved in properly preparing food. You’d rather venture out into the streets for tacos or hot slices of greasy pizza. Sad.

I will share with you today two terrific resources I’ve been immersing myself in on the Youtube.

French Cooking Academy with Stephan

Chef Pasquale

Chef Pasquale is off the wall entertaining. He reminds me of my grandfather and he loves to cook great food. I get the sense he was a chef when he was younger. Stephan is a regular French guy living in Australia who is learning how to cook in real time by following an Escoffier recipe book.

Today I’m cooking Beef Bourguignon, which is basically beef stew in a wine and beef stock sauce. The key, of course, is the ingredients — such as making your own stock and procuring the best cuts of beef and pork — and following the steps correctly.

What are you eating tonight, hotted dogs?

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SAAS is the Only Sector in Tech You Should Be Focused On

I don’t know how best to communicate this to you, other than to strongly advise that you look at nothing else but SAAS stocks. For a while, I was a skeptic too, unfamiliar with the business process and how these companies continued to grow, seemingly unabated, without even a semblance of free cash flow generation. But, after maybe 100+ hours of intense research, listening to countless lectures and podcasts and reading reports and articles, I can comfortably say that SAAS is the single best industry to invest in since the invention of the internet (marks top in SAAS now).

Stop thinking about SAAS as tech and instead view them as the best sales teams in America armed with NSA grade spying data that is used to hack the human mind and grow sales. They know what you’re doing at all times and they’re watching you, ever so creepily.

They understand what colors appeal to you best, how to write an email to a prospect, and what verbiage to use to get you to take a free trial (BTW: Exodus is doing free trials). Once you’re in the free trial and have expanded their sales funnel, they know how to onboard you to convince you to subscribe. Once you’ve subscribed, using advanced software, which is also SAAS, they’re monitoring you closely to make sure you’re getting maximum value out of the product. If your behavior changes, one of their customer success reps will immediately contact you, in an effort to prevent churn. After you’ve been a happy customer for a period of time, they up-sell and cross-sell you into various services, in order to increase their MRR (monthly recurring revenues), and to help you grow your business using their software.

This subscription model is used by all of the best companies in the world, from Amazon to Netflix, down to companies you’ve never heard of. But they’re growing very fast, hiring a ton of people, and have been backed by the very best VCs in America.

Right now a good SAAS company, growing at 10% per month, with churn less than 3% per annum, fetches 30x sales. In order to become a unicorn, all you need is ~$30 in sales. Is that nuts? Maybe, maybe not.

The sales process and revenue projections at the top SAAS companies are, by definition, predictable because they are repeatable. They know how much revenues each sales rep will generate and they know how long it takes to train each rep to become successful. They understand that by investing ~$1m in the business can product $10m in sales, inside 18 months.

I can go on for another thousand words discussing how well positioned these companies are in today’s enterprise migration cycle. However fantastic their prospects are, there will be downticks and panics, so be mindful of that. These companies are premium valuations because smart money owns them in size and expectations are very high. Should they falter, the subsequent drops will be heinous.

This is what we’re looking for in a SAAS company, in terms of repeatable and consistent revenue growth.

And here is a fantastic data dump by Keybanc, explaining why this sector is to be owned — briefly glossing over the fact that enterprise (big business) is in the process of a great cloud migration and how the second decade in SAAS should create vast amounts of wealth, as the industry goes mainstream. Remember, big business wants to help their sales people be more successful and they want to streamline their IT projects, and reduce costs if possible, by outsourcing by subscription to software that costs a fraction of what it might cost for them to create internally.

My advice to young kids coming out of college who are unsure what to do with themselves: become a software salesman.

Want to know more about SAAS? Listen to the CMO of MongoDB describe their process.

David Skok

Jason Lemkin

Enjoy your Saturday.

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Here’s the Key to Happiness and Serenity

Coming from someone who’s walked the black dog for much of his adult life, I know first hand what it’s like to grow a beard and dive into melancholy. As a matter of fact, I’m growing a beard now. I used to lash out in fits of unbridled rage, get into arguments with people, and remain in a constant state of disappointment with people — because they didn’t live up to my expectations.

The idea behind being disappointed in someone, or upset, is predicated on the notion that he/she had a choice and made decided to make a bad one.


See lads, people do not have free will or choice. Let me explain.

If I woke up one morning and said “I want to be a fucking brain surgeon” and set out to do it — in a thousand years, I could never become a brain surgeon. On the flip side, if I was tasked with creating an investment stratagem or to write a fantastic book or short story, I could do it with ease — whilst the brain surgeon, who is very competent and smart and talented, couldn’t invest his own money or write an interesting paragraph if his fucking life depended on it.

Your genes, the DNA coursing thru your veins, makes you who you are. Your bloodline determined your proclivities and intelligence before you were born. That’s all there is to it.

If your grandfather and father were thieves and mountebanks — you are not to be trusted. Conversely, if you have a history of brilliance in your bloodline, you have a great chance of being highly intelligent too. Naturally, intelligence doesn’t mean you’ll get rich. There are other factors that determine a person’s drive, such as grit and perseverance — the ability to accept defeat and advice.

If a person is programmed, literally programmed, to make mistakes, acting like a complete asshole, lazy, weak, or incredibly obstinate, think back to this post and all of the macro-data that supports this assertion — knowing full well that people do not have a choice, and find solace in knowing that’s just the way it is.

Interestingly enough, if your bloodline is permeated with passivity, people who regularly accepted shit and ate it, that might explain why you’re such a damned pushover. Half the battle is becoming aware.

Nowadays, I cavort and sashay thru life, viewing people behaving badly, and I smile at the spectacle — because I know an ape is an ape and that’s all there is to it. Instead of getting mad, I feed them bananas.

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