18 years in Wall Street, left after finding out it was all horseshit. Founder/ Master and Commander: iBankCoin, finance news and commentary from the future.
Joined Nov 10, 2007
15,849 Blog Posts

Apple Releases Red iPhone for AIDS, Plus Cheap iPad

Good news for you Applefags today. Apple has unveiled their latest color and it’s blood red. All monies earned through the sale of the red iPhone will go towards programs for HIV and AIDS — because nothing says ‘fuck aids’ like buying a $750 red phone, making oneself look like a Russian communist Nazi bastard in the process.

The new ‘special ed’  phone will come in 128gb and 256gb configurations.

The (red) program that the new phone will help finance will only serve people in sub Sahara Africa. Ergo, if you live in America or Europe, South America or Asia and have aids — fuck off — for Apple only wants to help persons living below the Sahara desert.

Quit shilling

Also, they’ve launched a new iPad, which is just like the old iPad air2 with subtle upgrades. The main selling feature is the price — starting at just $329 for 32gb, even poor people can afford it.

It comes with an A9 chip, making it faster, 8 megapixel camera with 1080p video and 1.2 megapixel FaceTime cam with 720p vid recording.

What are you waiting for? Head out to the mall and buy a few.

Comments »

U.S. Issues Airplane Electronics Ban in 8 Muslim Countries

Not all muslims blow up airplanes. But all airplanes that have been blown up have been done by muslims. Ergo, the Trump administration has ordered that any electronic device larger than a cellphone must be stowed away in the luggage, so that it might blow up there and instead of inside the cabin where people might get hurt.

Eight airports, all within Muslim countries, have fallen victim to the latest spate of Trump’s neo racism,

Here are the guidelines. Those who do not adhere to these rules shall not be permitted to fly into the United States.


Comments »

RUSSIAN SPY ALERT: Sec. Tillerson to Skip NATO Meeting In Order to Visit Mother Russia

Secretary of State, Rex Tillerson, is skipping the useless NATO meeting scheduled for April 5-6th, in order to visit red China and then his good friends in Moscow, Vlad Putin and his diabolical band of hacking Kingmakers.

Tillerson is going to actually miss his first opportunity to meet with a group of autocrats in Brussels, in favor of a communist zealot in China and an inscrutable thug in Moscow. Can you believe it?

Advocates for the secretary might argue that the 28 nations that make up NATO are useless shills, milling about Brussels in search of good pizza — whereas negotiating with China and Russia could quite literally mean the difference between trade war and a physical one — something that is not in the best interest of the American people.

Source: Reuters

“It feeds this narrative that somehow the Trump administration is playing footsy with Russia,” said one former U.S. official who spoke on condition of anonymity.

“You don’t want to do your early business with the world’s great autocrats. You want to start with the great democracies, and NATO is the security instrument of the transatlantic group of great democracies,” he added.

I’m not exactly sure which democracies this unnamed ‘former US official’ is speaking of when referring to the cabal of European nations that make up NATO. Perhaps he’s talking about the ‘democratically elected’ leader of Turkey?

Nevertheless, expect the mayne stream meteor to chimp out on these awfully grim revelations of Sec. “fuck the press” Tillerson opting to ignore NATO in favor of relevant countries who could use some diplomacy to set things right.

Comments »

Newt Rips into Comey, Calls Today’s Testimony ‘Pathetic’

We all knew the shills at the FBI were ‘investigating’ Russian phantoms, hoping to find more nothing. If we learned anything at all from today’s morose testimony by James Comey it is that he’s unwilling to confirm investigations were underway, or even considered, to reveal the leakers that keep disseminating sensitive information to the press. Bear in mind, this is a felony punishable up to 10 years in ape raping prison, yet no one seems the least bit interested in who was committing them.

We can hardly conclude that Comey is a democratic shill, considering he was instrumental in making Hillbot look like a literal prisoner one week before the elections — with the announcement of his pointless investigation which he later redacted.

Newt weighed in on the matter which he described as ‘idiotic’ — confounded at the juxtaposition of Comey freely admitting to investing Russian phantoms, but unwilling to even say he might look into the leaks.

Pray tell me, why?

What sort of game is Comey playing anyway? As far as I can tell, he’s a bull in a China shop just making a mess and a lot of noise — but doing nothing other than that. Lots of accusations are flying on both ends, but nothing is ever revealed or concluded. He’s probably the most universally hated man in America, from both sides of the aisle, yet there he is shilling away.

How can anyone believe a word coming out of this man’s mouth?

Comments »

Red Scare Grips Comey in Capitol Hill Testimony, says Russians ‘Hated’ Hillary and Thought Trump was ‘Hopeless’

In a long winded day of testimony by FBI director James Comey, one indelible exchange stood out to me like a sore thumb. Throughout all of the Russian hacking business, and baseless accusations designed to undermine President Trump, Director Comey’s incompetence shined brightest here — weaving a fantasy filled narrative of Russians hating Clinton and trying to undermine the US elections, only to later find Mr. Trump to be hopeless. The passive aggressive nature of these comments are not only accidentally disrespectful to the President of the United States, but they also expose the Directors proclivity to act rashly and without facts — saying things based on theories concocted inside of his office — in spite of the fact that they might further denigrate relations with Russia and make us look like a bunch of paranoid pavement apes.

Is it possible the Russians hated Clinton? Of course. Why wouldn’t they? After all, it was Russia who interfered in Obama’s schemes to upend Assad and install a new ‘rebel’ led government filled with terrorists. Moreover, the United States, hypocritically, had been meddling in Russian-Ukranian relations — imposing sanctions on Russia for clay that has always been within Russia’s sphere of influence for hundreds of years.

Here’s Democratic Congressman, Adam Schiff, being hosted by a Ukranian arms dealer.

And let’s not forget how chummy Sen. McCain was to who he thought was the Ukranian PM during a prank call last month.

If you’re Putin, clearly, you wouldn’t want Hillary elected — because it would probably mean World War 3. Don’t forget, Sec. Kerry was calling for aggressive action against Russia-Assad — which was thrawrted by Obama. Had Hillary been elected, the Syrian war might’ve taken on an element of global crisis instead of a localized quagmire of death and destruction.

If we’re talking about ‘Russian meddling’ into the US elections, we are only talking about whether or not Russia provided Wikileaks with John Podesta’s emails. That is the extent of the conspiracy. This whole drama is because one man, one incredibly stupid shill of a man, whose password for his gmail account was “PASSWORD”, got hacked and all of his sordid secrets of DNC primary rigging and collusion with the mainstream media was laid bare for the whole world to mock and deride.

To date, there is zero hard evidence tying Wikileaks to Russia — aside from Comey’s coffee table talk with his other Catholics in Action friends at the CIA.

Comments »

Let’s Have a Look at the Great Bull Market of 2017

We’ve definitely run into some resistance as of late. Part of the recent reticence in stocks is due to the Nov-Dec rally, post election, which caught everyone off guard. Now we’re digesting recent gains, sitting around doing nothing, while Mother Market decides where to take us next.

Much of our future is dependent on the Trump movement, how much he can get done in lieu of Washington shills interfering in his populist ways. Also, Federal Reserve policy might begin to play a key role soon, especially if their tightening is compounded by ECB and BOJ tightening. Next thing you know, we’re all in the back of a jam-box trying to sort out our lives in a post-capitalist society.

For the year, there are extreme losers (extra Bernie Sanders) — in light of the grandiose headlines being purported. For example, Department Stores are down 20%, Oil and Gas Exploration -17.3%, Long Term Care Facilities -14%, Food Wholesale -12%, Apparel Stores -12% and Drug Delivery -11.5%.

On the upside, there is Nuclear +25%, Aluminum +25%, Semis +21%, Consumer Services +19%, Home Improvement Stores +19%, Security and Protection Services +18% and Residential Construction +15%.

So what do we glean from all of this pin action?

Retail dominated industries are the plague, as well as anything healthcare related due to the uncertainty of Trumpcare. All of the Trump themed trades are doing well, but crowded. There have been many people piling into commodities and construction plays in hopes of a gigantic infrastructure bill.

What’s next?

I think it makes sense to accumulate larger industrial names who will benefit from better trade deals, lower tax rates, and a boost in global GDP. With my money, for now, I am 100% long $WLK. That might change, as I dig deeper into this narrative.

The bull is alive and well, in spite of its sluggish demeanor. Bide your time and watch the headlines closely and hope the country doesn’t implode before we can make our fortunes.

Comments »

Retail Stocks Are Consumed by Misery and Loss

Does anyone shop anymore? I’m fine with the market ignoring this huge blight in the American greatness narrative. After all, consumerism kills more people than cancer, so I’ll never pretend to be a fan. But the trends in front of our faces speak volumes as to where this economic landscape is heading, a place festooned by warlords and rolling balls of hay — amidst tumult, war, death and destruction.

Happy Monday.

Retail stocks are plummeting today, off by 3% on zero new news. For the year, losses are in excess of 15% with some companies down much more.

It’s very convenient to blame $AMZN on everything, idly suggesting that all of the loss revenues have shifted to her.

(Adjusts microphone)


The revenues are simply lost. Americans are consumed by student loans, car loans, and healthcare, beguiled by their stagnant wages.

Prove me wrong.

Comments »

REMINDER: Just 7% of Journalists Call Themselves Republican

In light of all the fake news and blatant media propaganda being published these days, I think it’s important to remember how little diversity of opinions there are amongst our ‘independent press’. A survey done in 2013 found that most shills hide under the cloak of ‘independent’, with about 30% calling themselves democrat. You can see how this trend has disjointed over the decades, with republicans being systematically removed from the sacred 5th estate.

With merely a handful of so called republicans in America’s newsrooms, how can they honestly call themselves a ‘free press’, when in fact they’re nothing more than democratic advocates shilling for their ideologies?

Incidentally, America’s trust in their media has correlated very closely to the lack of political diversity in her newsrooms over the decades.

I suppose when you completely abandon principles for party, casting aside 50% of your viewer/reader base in the process, that’s not exactly a sound business model for journalistic success — judged by public opinion.

Then again, do they even care?

Comments »

BREXIT HAPPENING: Article 50 to be Triggered on March 29th

It’s finally happening. The British government understands that to tether itself to a sinking Germanic ship is suicide. Playing the game of empire for a thousand years, the Brits would’ve loved nothing more than to dominate the EU and subjugate them all to the British crown. But that wasn’t going to happen with the German bastards imposing their economic dominance over Europe, so the Brits have opted out. The cost benefit had depreciated to the point that leaving the EU, in spite of the near term economic hurdles, was worth it — especially since the harshness of the European migration crisis had unmoored the people to the point of nationalist revolt.

Hence, the Brits are playing along with the will of their citizenry and will soon begin the arduous quest to negotiate trade deals — which must be done within 2yrs of triggering article 50.

The Secretary of State, David Davis, for Exiting the EU made a statement with regard to the announcement.

“Last June, the people of the UK made the historic decision to leave the EU. Next Wednesday, the Government will deliver on that decision and formally start the process by triggering Article 50,” he said.

“We are on the threshold of the most important negotiation for this country for a generation.

“The government is clear in its aims: a deal that works for every nation and region of the UK and indeed for all of Europe – a new, positive partnership between the UK and our friends and allies in the European Union.”

Curency and equity markets are little changed on this announcement, which was expected.

Comments »

ATTENTION: iBankCoin is Offering Very Diverse Free Exodus Trials, Based on Race, Gender, Religion and Politics

I woke up in a gregarious mood and felt like donating to the people — the small plebs toiling about the hot fields and coal mines in search of a better life. Truth be told, I’ve figured it out for you. All you need to do is sign up to the free trial and then embrace yourselves in the rapture and splendour that is Exodus.

To make all parties comfy, I’ve created different versions of the software for our diverse iBC readership — based on political, gender, religion, racial and occupational differences. I wouldn’t want to deny any of you the right to discriminate.

Enjoy. Trials end Wednesday.

White Male trials

White Female trials

Non-Whites (gender neutral)

Asian (ex-Japan)


Southeast Asian

Europeans (ex England)

British aristocracy

British normies

The Irish

RUSSIAN (ex hackers)

Russian hackers










Bernie Sanders supporters

Covert CIA ops

NSA employees

Media Matters Watchdogs

SEC/FINRA personnel

North Koreans

Canadians (not welcomed. If you know someone who can sneak you in, please do so, otherwise, seek algorithmic excellence elsewhere)

Comments »