iBankCoin
18 years in Wall Street, left after finding out it was all horseshit. Founder/ Master and Commander: iBankCoin, finance news and commentary from the future.
Joined Nov 10, 2007
18,108 Blog Posts

Futures Soft Due to Old Man Waiving Cane Over $CSCO’s Earnings Miss

No one gives a shit about CSCO anymore. This isn’t 1999 you oldFAG. Get with the times. Life these days is about not giving a fuck about old companies and instead focusing on the new. What the fuck is FB and SPOT doing? That’s what the young people want to hear about — not some bullshit about CSCO being regular pole punching losers.

Futures are slightly lower — but Europe is higher. Brent crude is $80 and it’s only a matter of time before crude tops and splits you fuckers in half for getting greedy.

My BZUN crushed numbers and is sharply higher. Prepare for more winship.

I think it’s fair to say my cold streak is over — as I am 6 for my last 7 and the profits are streaming in on a regular basis now.

(30 minutes later)

Sorry, this post was supposed to go out earlier — but I got distracted on a phone call.

In short, fuck Cisco, but let’s all hope and pray the zebra will start braying again from being foolhardy and let’s see this market truly go down, even if it costs us a few pennies for our troubles.

Comments »

REMINDER: HIGHER INTEREST RATES PORTEND HIGHER STOCK PRICES

As the media issues fake news reports, trying to get you into dastardly SOXS positions, I am here to remind you that higher interest rates is a precursor for higher stock prices. It has always been this way. You can try, and fail, to prove me wrong.

Go ahead.

Presently, the 10yr is at 3.10%. Although negative in the long term for debt laden faggots, it has always led to an immediate rush for equities.

In the meantime, Exodus Quant is fucking crushing the market, up nearly 5% over the past two weeks — 120bps better than the SPY.

Here are the returns for each holding per stock. The details of the positions are for members only. But I’m sure so many of you are doing so much better with your elaborate technical based strategies and scoff at such returns.

Including BILI, Le Fly is 5 for 5 in recent trades, with IQ on hold. Watch it melt up tomorrow. I’ve eliminated the loss in SOXS and now find my deepest most malevolent enemies saddled by it — sweating profusely as the market gears to grind higher.

TZOO was a +21% winner over 1 week. Thank you for the accolades and I hope that you bought it now, positioning for the true move higher.

Comments »

GETTING LONG ANOTHER CHINESE LOTTO STOCK

This is how the game is done (extra cringe).

I bought BILI, another Chinese streaming racket, at $13.18 and I will sell it for north (cringe) of $18 in less than 1 week hence.

If you’re wondering what’s driving this shit — look no further than HUYA — a recent spin off from YY. People want the next Twitch and are desperate enough to look for it in China.

Comments »

I Escaped the Zoo and Made 21% in the Process

Make that 4 in a row, following the great SOXS blow up of 2018. I blew out of my TZOO for a 21% gain — and the two enemies who read this blog daily are getting smoked in SOXS today. It should be noted they both took out fictitious long positions after I had sold at “the bottom” and are now tethered to the stock until they admit they ficticiously sold it.

Both men have hearts as black as grizzled mud and deserve each and every loss they endure.

With the proceeds of my TZOO expedition, I’m in cash — for now, until I better assess the situation.

Comments »

FORKED OUT OF $DUST — ROLLED INTO $VALE

This would be my third consecutive winning trade following the $SOXS scandal. Although a small win, a humble family man, such as myself, takes wins where he can. With the proceeds, I bought the iron/steel stock with the highest Sharpe and dared Mother Market to do something about it.

The stock never goes down, ever. So if I lose on this trade here, and this goes without saying, I am truly cursed.

I do have a healthy cash position at the moment, eagerly waiting for me skillsets to kick in — the natural instincts that guided me over the years. Life is similar to trading, in that it’s filled with peaks and valleys. The trick is to limit your exposure when you suck and go all in when you’re on fire.

Top picks: IQ, VALE, BZUN, TZOO

Comments »

Higher Yields Causing Major Blow Ups in Household Name Stocks — Plus Bitcoin is Dead Again

Let me just say this to you, okay? No man should have to walk his fucking coyote at 6:30am — period. This morning I was entreated to an energetic snarling in my face by this coyote who lives in my house. After 5 minutes of incessant cajoling, I took the fucking dog for a walk. Lo and behold, it wasn’t an emergency of some sort. The dog just wanted to chase birds and yell at squirrels. She didn’t even defecate on my neighbors lawn. After 30 minutes of wasting my time, while being dead tired, I took her back home and for a brief moment or two I hated her — until I realized I was just sleep deprived and her life wasn’t as exciting as mine, and that I was being a faggot.

Futures are slightly lower — but bitcoins are getting crushed. We’re talking full throttle massacre in the crypto space — taking the entire asset class below $400b. Meanwhile, the dollar is cruising higher again by 0.6% and the ten year is at 3.06%. Mortgage rates are sharply higher and this can only be viewed as deflationary, a force to be reckoned with, a vortex that is as black as it is a hole.

Simultaneously, a whole swath of household names are getting fucking crushed. This kids is called ‘multiple contraction.’ Because the Fed is purposely trying to hurt the economy via higher rates, the effect is felt first in stocks with high levels of debt and/or who pay a dividend. Due to lack of growth, the main driver for many household consumer names is income. The higher a tax sheltered government bond yield goes, the less attractive a somewhat risky American icon becomes. Hence, we’re at a fork in the road now: is this something to fear, the proverbial canary in the coal mine or more nothing?

On this topic, Goldman upgraded GIS today, so there’s always that.

Comments »

Encroaching on 42 — Getting Old Has Its Benefits

On May 25th, I will turn 42. After I hit 40, I felt like my life had ended. I was getting my affairs in order and making sure my family would have food and shelter upon my liquidation back into the matrix. Over the past two years my virility has been greatly diminished, but a lot of that has to do with the fact that I WAS A FUCKING VEGAN FAGGOT. Before the vegan faggot phase, I was a gluten free edge-lord, rejecting slices of bread at restaurants because gluten was the enemy.

Now that I’ve corrected all that (extra Delbert Grady), my new enemy is life itself. Instead of life fucking me, I am fucking it. Get what I’m saying? Good… neither do I. Nowadays, I head on over to the gym and lift very heavy objects. When I say ‘very heavy objects’, I mean that in a comical way — because truth of the matter is I am at 50% strength now and am a laughing stock at the free weights gym yard. Another truth is that lifting very heavy weights is just about the dumbest thing a 40+ year old man can do. I don’t want a hernia, or dislocated vertebrae. I just want to shred down to 10% body fat, and be able to lift really heavy things and throw them really far.

What are you doing with your life?

The point I was going to make is this, very simply: going to the gym is good, but if you’re not tracking EVERY SINGLE fucking thing you eat and adhering to a strict diet, you’re a faggot. You come here for laughs and on occasion, when I’m not trading like an upright walking pig, investment ideas. But this is the best advice you’ll ever get from me.

Preventative healthcare is the the most affordable healthcare. Go join the best gym in your neighborhood and buy yourself some very good workout attire, in order to feel invested in the whole process. If you’re a fat fuck, hire a coach and don’t binge eat or drink canteens filled with beer. If you must be an alcoholic, drink vodka neat. If you do this, in 6 months from now — you’ll be thanking me and you might even feel good about yourself.

Futures are flat. Stocks can suck my dick. Off to watch some Cobra Kai — bootlegged edition.

NOTE: The benefit of getting old is knowing how to live and what to prioritize.

NOTE II: Follow our new Instagram account. It will be active.

Comments »

Busy Rebuilding the Library of Alexandria — Market Winship Without Trying

My discretionary account was about flat today, thanks to the action in DUST and TZOO. But my quant account, the account that has the majority of my money, was also flat. This is an especially unique disclosure, since the portfolio is geared to track alpha and outperform markets — but not like this. This is shitting on markets, making a fucking mockery of it — reducing you fucking manlets into hammed sandwiches to be noshed on during dinner.

This being the halfway mark of May, I thought I’d update you on its performance thus far.

Exodus Quant: +3.38% for the month.

SPY: +2.86%

Reminder: The Quant portfolio was structured on a weekly basis last year and won 75% of the time vs the SPY. This year it is a monthly rebalancing and it has beaten or matched the SPY every month of the year.

Off to the gym, fully loaded with g’s of creatine.

For those concerned, the wealth of iBC culture and history is being preserved here.

Comments »

REPORT: N. KOREA CANCELS PEACE TALKS — TRUMP ETERNALLY BTFO, NOBLE PEACE PRIZE DREAMS RAZED

What brainlet thought this was a good idea?

I can see how this went down.

“Mr. President, fuck N. Korea, let’s bomb them.”
“No, I want a noble peace prize. Let me talk to them first.”
“Okay but let’s do some military drills right before meeting.”
“Won’t that upset them?”
“No, quite the opposite Mr. President Sir. The only thing those savages understand is strength and power.”
“So you’re saying this will help me get a noble peace prize? I can’t wait to see the look on Wolf Blitzer’s face when I get one.”
“Correct Sir. The N. Koreans will quickly surrender after they see how serious you are. Promised kept, remember?”
“Ok, do it. This is a good thing, right?”
“Absolutely.”

BOMB N.KOREA.

Comments »

GET IN THE CREMATORIUM — I HAVE A VERY HIGH IQ

Tom Wolfe is dead — but he was 87, so in a way he earned a death. Speaking of death, the lot of you gold bugs are right now sitting in my cremator and I am about to turn the oven on, converting you into DUST. Speaking of DUST, I am long the ETF and am quite pleased with the smart pin action today. Speaking of smart pin action, I have an IQ of 155 and I’ve always found that I was a better pseudo intellectual than 99% of the people I know. Speaking of IQ, I am long that stock too and believe it too is going to rampage higher — flattening and muddling its shorts into paste.

But don’t take my word for it, go look at the chart.

There are two enemies of mine reading this blog today, one is a gigantic faggot and only said he bought SOXS, but he didn’t because, well, he’s a gigantic faggot. The second bought SOXS and is now enjoying gains at my expense. He tried to coddle me with small talk, like an imp, because he probably feels guilty for being a monster. But, just know, “The Fly” never forgives and never forgets and also exacts revenge.

Life is somewhat good, although it’s a bit hot today. My garden work is all but done and the boxwoods are happy for it, for now they can grow in peace without being hacked away by a delusional genius.

As oil spins higher, my darkened heart glows from the idea of $5 gasoline in California. Driving is a privilege, not a right, and under republican administrations oil prices are high. While under democratic administrations, welfare is prevalent and oil is cheap. You voted for higher oil prices, so stop complaining — maybe eat a little less in order to better afford driving around this summer?

This drop in stocks has to be temporary, it always is. In the meantime, pray and hope for lower stocks in order to see Exodus in action again. It will call the oversold level to the exact day and you will, once again, say it was all a coincidence and point to some bastard technical indicator that does the same — but you and I both know you’ll be lying, as always. Insecurities are always wrapped in them, while the truth is a hard and undiscoverable tonic in these parts, so rare that most think it’s just another elaborate lie.

Comments »