18 years in Wall Street, left after finding out it was all horseshit. Founder/ Master and Commander: iBankCoin, finance news and commentary from the future.
Joined Nov 10, 2007
16,854 Blog Posts

Futures Saunter Higher In Careless Jaunt Towards Dissipation

Fascism has been rearing its ugly head all weekend in Spain and has delighted investors to no end. S&P futures are heading up now, +3 in early trade. Over in Europe, the optimism born in Spanish law and order has become somewhat infectious, delighting traders there to no end, sending DAX futs higher by 0.45%.

Gleaning from the good news in Europe, Asian markets are soon gearing up to rip ahead.

The copper trade is improving, as we speak, up by more than 0.8%.

Quite literally, nothing can stop the charge of higher indices that now posses both the gusto and fervor to envelope the bears who gambol about in search of malevolent detail. The accrual of gains, and the insipid rise of valuations, haven’t deterred markets from undergoing extreme bouts of hedonistic exploits — engrossed with endless abundances of hard liquor, narcotics, and interminable torrents of legal marijuana.

I am here to inform and educate all reading this treatise that equities shall rise forever, an ephemeral dream of psychdelic green mist and lavender splashes on top of soft mountains of ivory powder — fastidiously driven through hand crafted platinum cylinders into the nasal cavities of all of the finest people in America — the very smartest and wealthiest amongst us.

NASDAQ futures just upticked again, now +10. Enjoy the balance of your evening.

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Puerto Rícan Cop Calls Radio Show in Tears: ‘It’s An Abuse, It Looks Like Communism’

An anonymous Puerto Rican police officer called New York’s largest hispanic radio station, 97.9, to complain about the Mayor of San Juan, Carmen Yulín Cruz, and the Governor, Ricardo Rossello — saying they are putting on a grande show for the cameras, which is costing lives.

In a riveting 6 minutes on air, this anonymous police officer gives her take on things and how the Puerto Rican government is failing to provide people with basis necessities all because of politics.

“What they are doing, it’s an abuse. It looks like communism, in our own island. Let me tell you something, Boricuas are dying of hunger. The medics here, people are dying. The hospitals are in crisis.”

Her request: “we want the US to come in and take the Governor out. He is not doing anything. He is just around and around and everyone is like ‘oh how nice, the governor, he is going into the mud. He’s going into the water.’ And where is it? WHERE IS THE FOOD?”

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Trumpfags Get in Here and Explain What This Means

Judging by these tweets, the United States has given up trying to find a diplomatic solution with N. Korea and will stop ‘being nice’ to them. Ergo, one can only deduce we are barreling into the maelstrom of a hot war with people armed to the teeth his hydrogen bombs and an unstable leader.

What the fuck did he mean by this?

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Spanish Government Deploys Goon Squads to Prevent Catalonian Independence

The thugs in Spain are rampaging throughout Catalonia, preventing people to vote for their independence. This should come as no surprise to anyone with a brain, considering that Catalonia represents 20% of Spain’s GDP and 30% of exports. To put this into perspective, that’s like California, New York and Colorado all seceding from America. You know damned well if that happened, the union would go ‘Abe Lincoln’ on the people of those states and beat them until their patriotism improved.

But since this is happening live and in color, regularly tweeted and egged on by people who love chaos, acrimonious outrage has taken hold of people — totally grieved by a situation that would quite literally plunge Spain and the EU into an economic crisis that would send markets and economies down the tubes (what tubes?).

Voting has been banned, also fuck firemen.

Assange chimes in from the Ecuadorian embassy in London.


Spanish peacekeepers firing miniature rubber duckies at people, which could be used in bath time later.

Lucky winner!

Voting is illegal. Open up.

Some people are eager to receive more rubber duckies.

Trump is Hitler? No, Spain is Hitler.

Meanwhile in Compton, err Spain.

Want to secede? Get beat down.

The zombie hordes have breached the barriers. Run.

At least 350 people were injured in the protests/voting attempts by Spanish coppers.

Deputy Prime Minister Soraya Saenz de Santamaria called on the Catalan government to call off what she dismissed as a “farce,” as police fanned out across the region to block voting.

The Catalan government has “behaved in an absolutely irresponsible manner, it tried to annul law and justice in Catalonia, and with it democracy,” she said.

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These Are the Very Best Stocks, The Very Best Companies — Why Don’t You Own Them?

Often times we’re tripping over ourselves trying to outsmart one another. In a never-ending scramble to destroy thy neighbor and bury him in the bricks of his own hubris, sometimes the most obvious plays are the best. I am keenly reminded of this, especially with my new dot com story that I’m writing. Like assholes, we were always trying to find “the next Amazon” when the actual Amazon was doing just fine.

I did you all a favor, by screening for the very best companies. You don’t need to thank me now, but you do need to appreciate your grand stupidity in all of this madness. We’re all swimming in the same ocean, paddling like beavers for a little piece of dry land. Most of you, sadly, will drown and your bodies will never be found — lost forever in the dark sea — eaten by bottom fishers.

Criteria: growing revenues 50%+, more than $100m, stock +50% YTD, market cap over $1b.


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Give Me Your Story Requests

So I’m writing a lengthly story, perhaps 30,000 words long, about the nascency of the dot com bubble through my eyes and experiences. I’ve been shitposting here for more than a decade and know that I’m a strong writer. Having said that, what are you interested in hearing about from that era, 1998-2000?

Right now I’m at the crash point at 8/31/98, where it all began.

Here’s another snippet so you can see where I’m going with this.

The title will be, “In a Car Made of Dynamite Sticks, Speeding for the Sun”

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Trump to Decide the Fate of Western Economies Over the Next 2-3 Weeks

Janet Yellen’s term as Fed chief expires in February of 2018. There isn’t a chance in red hell for her getting renominated by Trump. It’s being reported by the FUCKERS at CNBC that the President will decide who will be the next Fed chair over the next 2-3 weeks.

While it’s important to know the backgrounds of the candidates, I like to judge people by their fucking face. So let’s have a look, shall we?

Jerome Powell

Fuck this guy, right? He looks like a constipated person who would try his hardest to fuck things up.

Kevin Warsh

This guy will win. Look at him. He’s young and hungry — rich as fuck. He married into big money by wooing Jane Lauder to let him spend all of her $2b in net worth, heiress to the Estee Lauder fortune. This makes him the son in law of Ron Lauder — Trump’s buddy. Aside from all that, Warsh was the youngest player to be nominated to the Fed board in 2006, who later became a key liaison between Dr. Benjamin Bernanke and Wall Street. During the crisis, he tried to broker all sorts of insane deals, like Goldman for Citi or Goldman for Wachovia. He was also instrumental in saving his former employer Morgan Stanley from failure.

Gary Cohn

Fuck this guy. No former Goldman #2 should ever become Fed chair.

Glenn Hubbard

Do you really want this fucking nerd as new Fed chair?

John Taylor

This guy looks like a cromagnon. Not a bad visage, sort of savage like. I am open minded to this gent.

Greg Mankiw


Richard Davis

Look how evil this guy looks. I can see him presiding over the Fed, whilst plunging into electrocution panic. I like him.

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“The Fly” Strikes Back…

I sold out of YANG to give myself a clean slate. I do not enjoy staring into the abyss over the weekend. Replacing it, I bought WDAY, PANW and EDIT, to tag along with my COHR.

Eerily, this all reminds me of the Four Horsemen of Certain Death, which swiftly dispatched me to the ass-heap of society just 3 year ago.

Nevertheless, I forge ahead into the cold, hard, winds of speculation.

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God damn it. “The Fly” was unable to beat the mechanized version of himself this past week, getting trounced in the market thanks to wayward emotions that led me down a stupid path to nowhere. Instead of holding onto my faggot water stock, FIZZ, and others — I opted for an emotionally charged UVXY-YANG position — because my gut told me to.

Meanwhile, in the world world not tainted by idiotic human emotions, the market did just fine — as long as you were calibrated for it. The SPY rose by 0.82% — but stocks with market caps over $50 billion traded down. As a matter of fact, there was one specific market cap grouping that outperformed all others — and it was the exact one that I was long: $1-5 billion.

Here was last week’s portfolio, which has since been amended.

Looking at that is no different from visiting a museum and admiring a wonderful oil painting by Turner — perfection. Volatility was at a minimum, yet gains stretched to exceed that of the SPY by 3x — yielding a weekly return of 1.92% on a median basis. You simply cannot beat that.

I’ll repeat.


Seeing this, obviously, stoked feelings of rage inside of me. You know that feeling when your stomach turns and you feel like the top of your head is gonna fucking blow off? It’s hard for me to lose. It’s especially hard for me to lose against a version of myself that I cannot punch in the face.

Maybe robot Fly is simply better? He does transcend the inelegant world of fear, greed, and all of the ugly stains of humanity that make this world barely tolerable. Robot Fly does not require sustenance or water — only digits and big data in order to produce money making algorithms.

I hate robot Fly — but he’s making me money.

What next?

Well, I must strike back this coming week. My quant model reduced the TLT position to 5% and remained long the $1-5 billion market cap grouping. On a discretionary basis, I’m retarded — long COHR and YANG.

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Morning Poppers (Puerto Rico Has Been Destroyed Edition)

Good morning lads. The Eurostoxx 50 is running wild, like a beast straight from hell — higher by 0.32%. Nothing is going to stop the Europeans from enjoying a healthy stock market, with a strong serving of socialism.

Here in America, land of the protester, NASDAQ futures are +10. I’m hoping that my laser beam stock roasts some short sellers and causes a few bears to have cardiac arrests. Absolutely nothing else is notable this morning, a rather moribund day — aside from the fact that ETH is lower by 4% — which is like a rounding error for the cryptodevils.

Trust me when I say, they can’t and won’t keep getting away with it.

I’m truly embarrassed for all of you haters out there — betting for markets to trade lower. You’re better off punching yourselves in the scrotum than betting against stocks; it would be less painful.

The President would like to remind you that he’s doing a great job in Puerto Rico and that the governor there is perfectly content with recovery efforts.

Some pre-market movers:

ATEN +20.3%, AEHR +16.5%, SGH +12.4%, APVO +11.1%, TSN +6%, PLAB +4.9%, ZYNE +4.8%, PARR +4%, KBH +3.5%, SMTS +2.5%, PPC +2.1%, VRX +1.5%, HRL +1.1%, KKR +1.1%, V +1%, PHM +0.9%, BLUE +0.8%

YUMA -9.6%, PRTA -5.5%, ZGNX -5.2%, NITE -4.3%, GLYC -2.7%, PE -2%, NXST -1.1%, CSGP -0.7%, HLT -0.5%

And analyst moves:

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