A Secondary Asshat of the Week Award: GLAUCUS RESEARCH

These stupid shits thought they’d fuck with Howard Schultz, a man born in Brooklyn, because they paid for some dickass lab results that showed “high levels of pesticides” inside of Teavana’s tea. Howard Schultz pisses on your lab report. He shits on it.

Fuck a bag of rocks, Glaucus. This recent spate of stupidity has brought short selling boiler room sites like theirs to new lows. They’re now trying to interfere with mergers and acquisitions via ridiculously stupid means.

Question for Mr. Glaucus:

Do you think Mr. Schultz gives a shit about the organic properties of Teavana’s tea or do you believe he bought them for their footprint, brand and distribution?

Any ape with an IQ above 80 would agree that canceling a deal based on some pesticide report is absurd. Therefore, any reasonable person can only conclude that Glaucus, with the help of certain person(s) on the television, have purposefully issued these reports in order to recover some of their losses, following SBUX’s takeover bid. One can only assume they are working against the best interests of their readers and attempting to profit from media driven fears.

Did you really think SBUX was going to pay attention to what some stupid shit, on some unknown website, with regards to THEIR MERGER?

For that, amongst other things, Sir, you are the recipient of an Asshat of the Week award.

Listen to them prank calling Teavana stores, like Jerky Boys, thinking they’ve made some biological breakthrough.

Congrats!

NOTE: so many asshats, so little time.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lJqTU2Tj7Wc

Oil and gas stocks are moving higher because folks like James Cramer suggested a new wave of consolidation might be upon us. WRONG. Today’s bump is because FCX is a ridiculously retarded organization. It’s equal to going to a grocery store and spotting a rotten piece of fruit, approaching the vendor and saying “excuse me Sir, how much for that rotten piece of fruit? (taps cane)” Meekly, the vendor responds, “well, it’s selling for $.80, but I might be able to do better.” The rich and extravagant man, named FREEPORT, responds, “no need good chap. I will give you $1.50 for that rotten fruit and while you’re at it, give me that half chewed apple in the corner as well. I’ll pay no more than $1.00 for THAT, however (mumbling to himself with victorious satisfaction).”

The meek vendor packs up the fruit and gladly accepts Freeport’s money, much to the chagrin of Freeport’s family who will now go without an Xmas turkey–because the old man spent all their money on two ruinous rotten pieces of fruit.

Parables abound!

I’m not participating in this rally, just like most of you. Despite the greeness of the Dow Jones Industrial Average, breadth stands at a feeble 53%, hardly inspiring. Silver is getting poleaxed, and by extension, as am I. My largest holding is VHC and that’s holding up, but by a thread. SWHC is scheduled to report earnings tomorrow, so it’s pins and needles until then. My world as you know it is frozen in time, stuck in the amber that is being caused by an indecisive stock market–customary of the month of December.

What is FCX fucking retarded? I apologize for waking you up with such profanity, but these fucktards are bidding for a company (MMR) that was on its deathbed because their big oil project is likely a dud. Hey, but that didn’t stop the assholes over at FCX from doing ANOTHER deal, on the same fucking day. Like women in a shoe store, they decided to buy PXP too, because that’s what pimps do.

As a result, FCX is down more than $5, fucking their shareholders for pagan Xmas, like nothing I’ve seen before.

Everyone on the teevee seems to be rather “meh” about the whole thing, pointing to stupid tax advantages.

THE COMPANY JUST EMPTIED ITS FUCKING COFFERS FOR A PIECE OF SHIT and another company that is bound to suffer under a difficult Obama led EPA. They probably bought MMR because the name sounds like theirs. Stupid shits.

FCX is a short because copper and gold isn’t good enough for them. FCX is a short because the company is led by asshats.

Gather ’round the fireside for a little iBC history–youngsters.

When I started blogging, back in my government reported age of 29 (my actual age is in the thousands), we held elections all the time. Bloggers would be hired for weekend stints and they’d be fired shortly thereafter. That’s how I met Woodshedder, Ragin Cajun, Danny, Caine, Alphadawg, even my world famous programmer VINCENZO ILLUMINATI.

When iBankCoin was founded, I scouted the area for good writers. We had official elections back in 2008. Hell, we even made campaign videos for them. Have a look, some of them are my finest work.

Elections will begin Wednesday at midnight, lasting through midnight on Thursday.The top 6 vote getters will advance to the next round, where 3 will be chosen for probationary tabbed blogger status.

Thus far, these are the contestants (let me know if I am missing anyone).

Rhino
Maximus
Frozenman
Republicat (he dropped out and endorsed Rhino instead)
Xtrade
Raul3
Zenhunter
Young Gun
Greedfeed
Ggarbacz
Eyewall
Elizamae
Chuck Bennett (The Devil’s Advocate)
Bradjd
Dchsn6
The Letter P
Fryguy
Ingsoc
SELLsellSELL
BEAS (currently domiciled in South Ossetia)

I expect voters to educate themselves on the choices they will be required to make. And contestants should campaign hard for the spot, even covet the backing of current staff bloggers–if they so choose.

With TEA trading down again today, it’s a full buck below an all cash deal by SBUX. An arbitrage trade is to be had here and I might pull the trigger.

If you can get short shares of TEA, it makes sense to get long calls as a pair. A move from $14.5 to $15.5 in the stock will cause short dated call contracts to explode in price– if the deal happens. On the other hand, should SBUX cancel the deal due to a pesticide issue with Teavana’s tea, the brand will be fucking ruined for life. As a result, I expect the shares will plunge into the single digits. Should the deal close, you lose $1 on your short.

My hunch says the deal closes. Schultz isn’t buying TEA for its organic qualities, but branding and distribution. If anyone is capable of firming up quality control, it’s Schultz. If he cancels the deal, TEA is fucked.

UPDATE: Tabbed Blogger contestant, RHINO, just crushed a Pandora short trade. Well done.

After years of blogging on this site, I am always delighted to ban a discourteous reader or two. Since inception, we’ve banned thousands, countless miscreants, from even accessing the site, via IP ban. And in some extraneous cases, we’ve banned whole countries. Just like the tree of liberty, the soil of free speech must be nourished by the blood of the unwashed, every once in awhile. In this specific case, every single day.

Be careful for what you say here, as you have no idea who I am and what organization(s) I am a party to. For all you know, this site can be a mouse-trap of sorts, to build a database of dissidents for FEMA, for future extraction and liquidation projects. We all like to enjoy ourselves, some more than others. Some of you like to venture off to the Fontainebleau to get inebriated– then mow down unsuspected shoppers at bus stops with luxury sedans. But when you are here, in these great and famous halls, behave as you would inside of a church. Shut your mouth and listen, then ask questions in a dignified manner.

The Blogger Network is humming with people working hard to earn a spot on the staff of iBankCoin. As you know, it will be a probationary position, subject to the strictest minimum traffic standards, which will be monitored at the end of 3 months. To acquire the minimum required traffic of 3% share, you will need to promote your work on Twitter and other social networking sites. Let it be known, we do not allow for cross-pollination on StockTwits, so that avenue is closed for you. Also, in order to attain the minimum required traffic, you will need to post at least 3 times per day. Know this going into the elections this Thursday. If you waste my time with poor quality drivel, I’ll fire you myself straight away.

When stocks look good, they get faded. When they look like hell, they melt up again. I’ve elected to remain put with my positions because moving money around has been an exercise in futility. As I speak now, the market looks like shit. Who knows, twenty minutes from now it might look great?

It all comes down to The Fiscal Cliff and how much taxes are going up. Remember, Wall Street hates higher taxes and companies will suspend dividends in order to avoid them. We are looking at a potential albatross for stocks, one that can sink investor sentiment for good. Let’s face it, Wall Street hasn’t been very accommodating to the average investor, with its fucked up flash crashes, accounting fraud and incredibly corrupt IPO practices. Now the government is going to punish the old man in the wheeled chair, who no longer derives income from bank held CDs because rates are 0%, by raising taxes on dividend income!!?!

Holy shit, I can’t think of a worse way to ruin the market. It’s like they’re doing it on purpose, in order to funnel money out of equities back into real estate.

All I know is this: never trust policy makers. All they do it create and destroy bubbles. Make sure you have at least 30% cash before the year ends, maybe sooner. I am not buying a damn thing without selling something first.

TOL just reported better than expected numbers. This is no longer an aberration, but a trend. Expect to see homebuilders and construction material companies beat estimates handedly. If you’re still living in the dark ages of 2008, you’re missing out on one hell of a housing recovery. Go buy some property and quit with the negativity already; you’re making me sick.

Here is some housing data of some of America’s biggest cities. You cannot argue with the data.

And here is the national data.

I’ve been eying a number of stocks to buy, because it’s my belief housing will continue to do well. I’m so fucking conflicted about the economy, it’s ridiculous. On one hand, the numbers are great and expectations look good. On the other, if they remove the mortgage interest deduction, one has to surmise housing is going to take a hit.

Here are my favorites.

TOL, BZH, PHM, SPF, LEN, RYL, KBH, HOV, DHI, MTH, GFF, USG, OC, SHW, VAL, ANGI and Z.

The question is: will the government fuck up the recovery through onerous taxes?

When the Bush tax cuts went into effect, sometime in late 2002 or early 2003 (I’m getting old), the markets blasted the fuck off. Markets loved the idea of lower taxes, especially on dividend income. I can’t help but think, no matter how AWESOME AND AMAZING higher taxes on the rich are, this is going to fuck markets. Look at what companies are doing now, rushing to pay out dividends before the year ends. The tone is slowly changing right before our eyes and it will crest upon the completion of the tax hike agreement.

The only reason we are not fucked now is because of Santa Claus. The markets are benign, almost catatonic, as is customary during the month of December. We haven’t gone down more than 2% in December since 2002.

I can’t help but believe that January is going to bring hell. This is all very reminiscent of 2007, when I was saddled HEAVY SHORT into the New Year. Stocks were making new highs and everyone was high as fuck on the real estate cocaine train–until 2008 came. I don’t know what it is about year changes, but the market is very sentimental about the calendar. Brace yourselves for a very black January, filled with toxic smoke and chards of metal floating throughout your neighborhoods.

I am so convinced about this eventuality, coupled with the inevitability of us going over the fiscal cliff, I may rescind my promises to “never short the market” and just fucking do it. Stocks will quickly dive lower, as soon as 2013 hits because the forecast is grim.

If there is one thing that is a given, from my reservoir of experience, it is to BEHOLD the month of January, for it brings gifts of volatility and excitement.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U3zW6uRRn3Q

I’ve been transfixed (literally) with some retail stocks, just sort of staring at them as if they were the black abyss. So many of them are interesting to me, knowing that my fellow American’s possess an innate proclivity to shop till they drop. Look at CWTR and CBK, both left for dead, now “zombying” their ways back up again.

Without further adieu, the following retail stocks are flush with cash, stuck on stupid, trying to turn it around. Because of their enormous cash positions, as a percentage of market cap, any material uptick in business with result in an immediate “liftation” of the shares.

BEBE
CACH
WTSLA
HLYS
KSWS
TRLG
BBW
STLY (not a laggard)
BSET (not a laggard)

Out of those names, I favor BEBE and CACH. But the volume is a bit too thin for me.