Super Non Impressive 200 Point Rally

John Boehner is resigning, Janet Yellen is dehydrated, and the market is having its shittiest 200 point rally ever.

Bears should be thrilled by today’s action. The recession trade is on, inspite of today’s 3.9% GDP numbers for q2.

Look at my CLX.

Fear my CLX, for its success means the markets demise.

Biotech still sucks. Tech is mailing it in. We still fear everything.

We are living in dark, dark times. I have a blogger writing for me who moved from the north east corridor of the United Steaks, left the business of professional money management, to oversea the destruction of mankind from the comfort of his volcano-side cottage.

During a speech today, Federal Reserve Chief, Janet Yellen, felt ill and needed to seek medical attention.

“Chair Yellen felt dehydrated at the end of a long speech under bright lights. As a precaution, she was seen by EMT staff on-site at U-Mass Amherst. She felt fine afterward and has continued with her schedule Thursday evening,” the Fed said in a statement.

Before that happened, futures were flat. After that happened, they spiked by 96.

INDEUD.

“I’m keeping it 100 with you dog. This bitch ain’t built for this game, nah mean, son?”
Dr. Benjamin Bernanke, Corner Office, Citadel

Oil and gas stocks are down 80% from their highs. Over the past 3 month, the median return of the oil and gas equipment space is -40%, spearheaded by cremation trading in PBR, LNG, CLR and WLL. Name the oil stock and it’s down 30% over the past 90 days. If you’ve been concentrated in this sector, your game is over.

Similar carnage can be found in aluminum (-37%), solar (-35%), Mineral and Metals (-32%), Semis- Memory chips (-32%), Chinese Burritos (-30%), Steel and Iron (-30%), Nuclear (-30%), Shipping (-30%), Silver (-28%), Rubber and Plastics (-27%), Copper (-26%), Chemicals-Major (-25%), Alternative Energy (-25%), Computer peripherals (-25%), Internet Service Providers (-24%). I can go on for days. Out of 200+ industries, only a handful were up: Home Healthcare, Airlines, Utilities and some REITs.

It’s really real out there. Broader indices mask the pain that is pervasive in the tape. Short sellers have been rewarded with epic gains. They are firmly in control of the dialogue and steering this grand equity party into the dirt, thanks in large part to an incompetent government, whose high tax/regulatory environment have stressed the economy into a standstill.

Aside from that, the Federal Reserve put, that has been in place since 2009, is gone. Fed Chief Yellen is weak and doesn’t have control of her board governors, who make speech after speech, discussing the virtues of a potential rate hike.

Really?

How about we see a little inflation first, before tightening the money supply?

The bottom line is this: the dollar is +15% over the past two years, +5% year to date. Our corporations are being gimp’d, placed upon the altar of sacrifice because we are being led by quisling incompetents.

I was graced with the rare occasion of an unsolicited phone call by the man known around here as “The Devil.” He informed me that we are in a bottoming process and to get long WYNN, SPLK and NK. He wanted those on “the coin” to know that he rarely, if ever, thinks about you. But, it’s important to note that when he does, he calls bottoms.

DEVELOPING…

So what the market is down a gazillion points these past 5 days. Where have I been and how could I permit a world class financial site to go un-updated all day, a day which is marking the end of civilization as we know it? That is none of your concern.

On my way to work today, I am pretty sure I saw an actual centaur in the street, kicking some old man into what looked like a fiery pit. Also, I am pretty sure one of the seals of hell have been jarred open, if you will. Perhaps this coincides with the Pope’s visit? All I know is, gold is breaking the fuck higher. Men are balding overnight and Janet Yellen is the dumbest Fed chief in the history of Fed chiefs. That’s what you get when you send a grandmother to do a bankers job.

Believe me, there is nothing sexist about my position against Yellen. Women are brutal and calculating, even manipulative, traits all necessary to be the world’s leading Central Banker. But she doesn’t have any good qualities. She is the worst person in the world, a real Stalin of our times.

I like burgers and gold bricks, long SHAK and GG. Everything else has been reduced to clown-dust. Poof and it’s gone.

Decorum has gone out the door. I don’t have time for nice words or being pleasant to a group of disheveled strangers. You motherfuckers are gonna get lit up tomorrow. Futures are off by 77. Japan is getting kicked back into the Hiroshima mushroom cloud. And Tim Cook, CEO of APPL, is still gay, single and looking.

As an aside, our Federal Reserve Chief, Grandma Yellen, is fucking retarded. She lets her Fed governors talk shit all around the country, delusional assholes who live in flyover states. If Fly was the Fed chief, he’d fucking smoke those cocksuckers with his Desert Eagle and print a trillion new dollars. I’d buy all the stocks, eat all the chickens, and kill all of the bears.

Instead, we get futures down 77– following grande motherfucking piano falling on your head trading, these past 5 days, and shit.

Before this year is done, all traders will be dead. Plus anyway, once Bernard Sanders becomes President in 2016, he will tax short term profits at 99%, effectively ravaging Wall Street of all of its gains for the benefit of a few million poor citizens.

These are the final stages of American capitalism. Before long, you will all be given a stipend. Your businesses will be seized and managed by a 300 pound woman, who grew up in a very urban setting. Your company will be forced to employ homeless people and offer healthcare, at an onerous expense.

Ten years hence, you will long for these days of profit. Over 100 trillion dollars will be owed by the US government, forcing old people into FEMA camps to be executed for the benefit of the national budget.

A NASDAQ rally for the ages is coming soon. The best way to catch it is to sit there, like a moron, and do nothing.

You can say you read it here first. When history is written and society tries to sift through the rubble, formerly known as the financial blogosphere, they will find one person to be heads and shoulders above the rest, in terms of being able to read the tea leaves.

LISTEN TO ME you fucking bastards. The Chinese scoundrels will soon be marginalized and the CEO’s of our corporations will use their greedy traits to buy back their own shares and surprise competitors with “fuck you, give me your entire company” merger overtures. I know this because I’ve seen the future.

Lesser men are sitting idle, roasting rats and porcupines over a flame, declaring end of days–eagerly reading Zerohedge for the latest scandal to rock Wall Street.

HERETO: the market is going to bounce, long and wide. Its girth will break the fucking faces of bearshitters from here to Berlin. Brace for it, you fucked faces (double entendre!).

Poof! And just like that the rally is gone. Early gains have been given up, exchanged for the utter decimation of the markets, likely fueled by forced liquidations.

Everything is so dramatic. This is a business for fucking morons, cold calling, trading like fools, making jackasses out of yourselves morons.

Ordinary people playing in the sandbox, losing all of their money on expiration day.

There is so much to hate about this business, especially after dealing with the soap opera storyline for a few decades. It grinds on you, makes you want to kick dogs and throw people off bridges. But don’t get mad, bro. You’re just succumbing to base instincts, devolving into an animal because your fucking stocks went down.

I have no idea what the market is going to do over the next 6 months. But I do know this: the rubberband is being stretched to the point of maximum pain. Since crashes are low probability trades, my money is for the sharpest motherfucking rally you’ve ever seen, followed immediately by a retest of the lows.

Apparently the biotech sector had been oversold, following the biggest two day rout of 2015, all thanks to Hillary Clinton’s comments regarding the price for drugs and the infamous price hike from the Turing CEO.

Shares of JAZZ are finally receiving respite. Unlike other biotech stocks, this company actually banks coin and will make over $10 in earnings during the fiscal year. It’s a buy.

Chinese PMI has fallen to a 6 1/2 year low. Look, all major economies have gone through these phases. The German economy underwent a hyper growth phase in the 1960’s, then cooled off. The Japanese economy went apeshit to the upside in the 80’s, causing everyone to fear they were going to finally conquer us, through purchase, in the 90’s. Do you remember that shit? I recall watching the news as a teenager back then, thinking Japan was an enemy for me to look out for, always trying to buy American real estate and fuck with American jobs.

China is slowing. The world will adjust, eventually.

In the meantime, what does the price of tea in China have to do with burgers in Brooklyn Heights? SHAK is a buy.

Finally, shares of CLX and other conservative old man stocks, that pay dividends, are a buy–especially in this environment. It’s cool to have growth in your portfolio when times are good, people cracking open champagne corks into each other’s faces. However, it’s a whole different story during bear markets. You will regret the day your Father asked your Mother to the movies, enduring a portfolio filled with growth stocks in a tape designed in hell.