In order to properly put you in my shoes, I’ve recorded the events or ongoings at Le Casa del Fly, over the past 12 hours, and posted them here for all to read. Enjoy.
9:00 pm (3/3/2010)
Fly: Honey, I just called Herb Greenberg, the man inside the television box, an asshat.
Mrs. Fly: Who is Herb Greenberg?
Fly: Oh, it doesn’t matter.
(several hours elapses)
1 am
Fly: (talking to the shadows near his favorite urinal) Hey, so what do you think of tomorrow’s jobs report? I’m thinking a smidge over 190k.
Urinal Shadow: Only pussies use the word “smidge.”
Fly: Fuck you asshole (punches urinal shadow in the face)
(Mrs Fly walks in)
Mrs. Fly: Why did you just punch the wall?
Fly: Oh nothing.
4am
Fly: (cordially reading over research reports, while laughing profusely)
5am
Fly: (tucks self into bed. Done for the night)
7am
(Alarm ringtone of artillery shells awakens Le Fly)
Mrs. Fly: Shut that nonsense off.
Fly: Quit hating.
Mrs. Fly: I’ll be back soon. The kids are gonna be late for school.
Fly: Don’t mind me, I’ll be prepping for the ever-so-important February jobs report.
Mrs. Fly: What’s that?
8am
(Fly showered, shaved and dressed)
Mrs. Fly: Why are you wearing a tuxedo and top hat, with a cane, while watching CNBC?
Fly: I mustn’t sully the importance of the February jobs report. Hey, hon, Herb Greenberg seems a little upset that I called him an Asshat last night.
Mrs. Fly: Who’s Herb Greenberg?
Fly: Nevermind. Hey, do we have pickles in the fridge?
Mrs. Fly: Yes. Why do you want pickles now, in the morning?
Fly: (awkward silence)
Mrs. Fly: I’m going upstairs.
8:25am
Fly: (talking to himself) Okay, I am all set, ready for the report. (He now begins to review a checklist) Proper dress code. Check! Bowl of fresh pickles, ready for consumption. Check! Favorite cologne. Check! Take a look at the ever so important Twitter steam to see what Herb Greenberg is up to. Check!
8:29am
Fly: (phone rings. It’s a colleague) Fuck you I’m busy. (hangs up)
(Fly begins to chew on pickles with fierce intensity)
8:30am
(jobs report is announced!)
Fly: (in the kitchen, getting a cup of coffee, away from television) What the fuck are they saying? I can’t hear shit with these pickles.
Mrs. Fly: Can you lower the tv? The entire neighborhood can hear your stupid CNBC.
Fly: (yells upstairs) I can’t hear anything. I’ve been chewing on these damn pickles and I missed what the imbeciles said on CNBC.
Mrs. Fly: You’re ridiculous.
Fly: (races over to living room to see report)
(CNBC cuts for a commercial)
Fly: WHAT THE FUCK!?! (throws bowl of pickles at his 60 inch LED-LCD tv)
Mrs. Fly: What’s going on down there?
Fly: Oh nothing.
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