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GoPro Tells 270 Overprivileged San Franciscan Employees to GTFO, Shares Soar

GoPro made an announcement Wednesday evening, likely after their Treasury department smoked a large hookah filled with cannabis, saying 270 heads will roll in their San Mateo headquarters–down the hilly streets of San Fransisco–all the way to Hyde Park, where the hobo bros eat pizza and draw rat finks.

The announcement follows a cut of 200 jobs in November, as the camera and sub-par drone maker struggles to turn a profit, all while CEO Nick Woodman sails about the world in his 180 foot yacht.

These job cuts likely represent an elimination of the most absurd chaff, the type of fat one trims from a cheap cut of ribs, for example.  These are San Franciscans, coming to work in flip flops for a few hours, working on apps to rate dispensaries on company time, and complaining when the work week exceeds 32 hours.

Wall Street is quite pleased to see these tanked top wearing west coast punks meet the axe–shares of $GPRO are up around +15% on Thursday trade.

Let this be a message to all California residents.  The days of gimmick gadgets supporting a gluttonous workforce are numbered.  You best learn to surf or create a new camera app for Mark “Rubbernecker” Zuckerberg to flip to the CIA, else find yourself living on the streets, busking to Chinese moguls for kombucha money.

GoPro’s CEO is cutting jobs fast and indiscriminately, straight off the yacht, and Wall Street loves it.


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Norwegian Investor Sells Out of Marathon, Other Firms Tied To Dakota Access Pipeline

The biggest private investor in Norway sold all their shares in Phillips 66, Marathon Petro, and Enbridge, for a sum total of $34.8m USA dollars in hopes they could ‘make some sort of impact’ amid the Defund DAPL movement.  All three companies are partial owners of the pipeline which funnels tar sands out of Alberta, Canada and carries the sludge across critical U.S. rivers.

“We hope that our actions and the actions of other likeminded investors in either divesting or calling for an alternative [pipeline] route will make some sort of an impact,” said Matthew Smith, the head of Storebrand’s sustainability team.

Storebrand, the sustainable investment manager commanding $68 billion in assets announced their divestment Wednesday.

Let’s turn to the charts and see if their selling pressure has had an impact, shall we?

It’s difficult to say exactly when these sell orders hit the tape, but share of Marathon Oil have been struggling to reclaim the $17.50 resistance level.  A short vs about $20 actually makes sense here, especially considering the multi-year slide lower that began at the end of 2014.  Lots of overhead pressure on $MRO:

Enbridge (ticker: $ENB) saw an abnormal amount of volume coming into it during the first month of 2017, however so far it has held up.  You can see, however, that it has failed to regain its upper value.  Similar to $MRO, selling out, or betting short against the firm makes sense vs this resistance:

Phillips 66 seems the most resisliant of the pack.  Their shares have hardly budged.  Worth noting, $PSX also sports the largest market cap.  Big ship, small pipeline.  The price chart on PSX looks more based out then the rest and offers the least amount of evidence for justifying a sell:

While it’s unlikely the divesting efforts of private investors will succeed in stopping the Dakota Access Pipeline, a project Trump has endorsed that began under Obama, backed by Big Oil, their actions, along with the noise and protest of native people, are likely to make these fossil fuel titans think twice before beginning future projects.

Curbing the actions of these huge petro and coal companies is critical to saving humanity from the grotesque human impact on global warming.  Conscious investors are likely to earmark their funds for more progressive companies as the effects of our carelessness become more evident.

The decision to divest millions away from U.S. firms associated with the Dakota Access pipeline by Norway’s largest investor is setting up interesting context for betting against $MRO and $ENB.



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Snapchat IPO Is Oversubscribed

Sources tell Reuters the Snapchat IPO is oversubscribed.  Demand for the latest in social media offerings is running high, despite the issued shares having zero voting rights.

Snapchat has done an infinitely better job than Twitter of building a platform that advertisers can use.  This may be why there is so much excitement that the video sharing company finally coming public.

You buying SNAP next week when it goes live?

UPDATE: Mark Cuban tells Benzinga he will buy Snapchat at the IPO, if he can.  And by if he can, I suppose he means if he can at prices the general population is likely to never see on the first day of IPO.  More equal than others, etc, etc.

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Tesla Earnings Were Nearly Perfect: Here’s Why Shares Are Lower

Fourth quarter earnings for Tesla revealed several positive updates from the world’s most provocative technology company, yet shares are lower following the announcement.

What gives?

First, have a look at their financial performance:

Sales $2.28B vs $2.18B Estimate

Earnings per share $(0.78), Adjusted EPS $(0.69) vs $(0.43) Estimate

Solid top-line beat and a miss on earnings.  The company is ramping up production and is burning through money fast.  Investors understand that Elon Musk (all Praise and Glory to The Leader) is the absolute best steward of their capital, and that He, and only He, can save us from humanity’s belligerent destruction of planet earth.  Therefore a miss on earnings is not material and totally okay.

During the press conference, Elon (Praise and Glory) said the Model 3 program is still on track.  THIS IS REALLY IMPORTANT.  The stakes are high on the Model 3, which is expected to reach mass market unlike the company’s Model X, S, and Roadster.

Little known Easter egg: once Model Y comes out, the company’s line of products will read, “S3XY”.  Like I said, provocative.

Musk (Praise) also aggressively countered the issue of the union rat planted in his Fremont, California plant by the UAW.  He needs to keep those blood suckers out of his company, and it looks like he intends to do so by awarding his employees stock compensation.  Jalopnik has more details on this matter.

2016 deliveries fell about 4000 units below expectations.  If you’re a jaded Business Insider writer, this was a significant miss and grounds for demolition of $TSLA shares, likely because BI writers don’t actually own Tesla shares.  Tesla produced 83,922 cars during 2016.  Not a small feat.  We are talking about infiltrating the most diabolical industry in the world, after all.

For the first half of 2017, Tesla is forecasting the delivery of 47-50k cars.  Wow.

Now this is why Tesla shares are lower after earnings:

Look folks, this isn’t rocket science.  Despite Our Leader (Glory to The Leader) understanding rocket science, his stock will behave in a fairly predicable manner until the end of 2017 when we have more visibility on the Model 3—until then the stock is range bound.

What most of you fail to understand is that stocks spend the majority of their time, around 70%, IN BALANCE, aka range.  Discovery only takes place AFTER a major shift occurs in information, requiring the market to discover new value.

I know this is all very boring for most of you, because it doesn’t trigger an emotion like your politics or your American football or fast moving stocks, but it is what it is.  If you want thrills, try crack cocaine on a roller coaster.

The fact that $TSLA has not come crashing down through range is a positive development.  True believers in Elon (all Praise and Glory to The Leader) should welcome more range trade, which allows us to continue accumulating shares.

In summary, the scientists and engineers at Tesla are doing everything proper to keep investors happy.  Q4 was solid, and those demonic UAW vermin are being sprayed with poison.

The lofty valuation for $TSLA shares remains.  This is, unequivocally…






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National Parks Are Dumb Anyway: Arch Coal Shares Spike Higher on Rumor Trump Preparing Executive Order To Lift Coal Mining Ban

Soon our national parks will be fenced off and occupied by heavy machinery with the explicit purpose of digging giant holes and harvesting sweet, sweet coal.  At least, that’s what the latest rumors from Washington are saying.

Shares of Arch [nemesis] Coal spiked higher Tuesday morning after reports were crossing trading desks saying Trump is preparing an Executive Order to lift the coal mining ban on federal lands.

Arch coal is pumped.  According to their website, they sold 128 million tons of black rock in 2015.  Freed from the oppressive regulations of the EPA, and without regard to dumb hippies and Indians trying to protect sacred swaths of nature, they might be able to blast a few million more tons out of the earth.  With a little luck and dynamite, of course.

These rumors from the White House are all very bullish for coal.

Probably bearish for earth.

Fun times.

Shares of $ARCH actually have a negative return so far, year-to-date.  Let’s hope our authoritarian regime can fix that for the good capital invested in crude energy production.

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More Selling Pressure in Nvidia; Target Achieved

Last week a short-term trade opportunity arose in Nvidia Corp after earnings prompted a sharp sell.  Large rotations are rarely a one-off experience, and with the help of our good friend Leonardo Fibonacci we can establish and shoot for a target in a simple manner.


Nvidia has had an incredible run over the last few years, and while a bit of selling pressure is coming into the name, the long term chart has a long way to go before it merits reason for concern.


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Sellers in Control of Nvidia, Despite Strong Tape

Quick look at the chart for $NVDA.  Sellers dominated the resistance levels they were supposed to and the likely rotation from here is lower.  A softening of the tape early next week could help, but either way this ticker looks weak short term.



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Ben Kallo Is Buying Tesla Shares Ahead of Earnings in a Very DGAF Manner

Ben Kallo is a smart feller and loyal disciple to the venerable Elon Musk (all Praise and Glory to The Leader) and the man had some good things to say about Tesla heading into earnings this morning, see below:

Baird analyst Ben Kallo said he is a buyer of Tesla shares ahead of Q4 results, which he believes will be another de-risking event for the company. Although he said there could be short-term noise as expectations are calibrated, he recommends owning the shares. He expects an update on the Model 3 and Gigafactory production ramps, which he believes will drive the shares higher. Kallo reiterated his Outperform rating and $338 price target on Tesla shares.

And just like that, with a stroke of his analyst pen, the stock surged higher Thursday.  $TSLA is set to report earnings February 22nd after market close.

Kallo suggests you make plans now for the post-earnings champagne uncorking and sanctimonious celebration that’s sure to follow.



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Elon Musk Rolls Eyes at @Bro_Pair and His Vile Ilk; Remains on Trump Advisory Board

Tesla CEO and all around proper supreme leader Elon Musk (all Praise and Glory to The Leader) issued a statement via the municipal website Twitter Thursday evening explaining why he will remain on the President of the United States of America’s advisory board:


Unlike Uber CEO Travis Kalanick (whose last name sounds like a colon irrigation) our chief of both Tesla and SpaceX has a REAL stated purpose on this planet and intends to achieve his goals of advancing humanity regardless of who is in charge of the best country on Spaceship Earth.

For when you purpose is clear, that which is out of your control does not matter.  What matters is pursuing your goals as effectively as possible.  Being an advisor to President Trump is surly a way to remove roadblocks from your projects.

But Travis just made an app for hailing rides.  Literally a non-event.  Literally being copied and reproduced easily by several other companies.  Travis “colon irrigation” Kalanick is not an inspiring creator.  Seeing him quick to cave and mistakenly leave the useful post of Trump advisory like a fool is hardly surprising.

Travis is replaceable.

Conversely, Elon Musk (all Praise and Glory to The Leader) is not replaceable.  If he does not save us from the greedy oil grabbers and provide us transport off earth once our national parks are converted into fracking centers, the jig is up for humanity.  It will take more than a petty list from a no-neck Twitter choad to deter him from his quest to usher in a future where humans inhabit multiple planets.

This is bullish for Tesla, and investors will reward the share price of $TSLA upon realizing they have the finest steward of their money waking up every day and going to work to win instead of getting caught up in political guff.

Seek more leaders like Elon (all Praise) and invest in them aggressively.

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YOU’RE FIRED: Tempur Sealy Loses Major Contract with Mattress Firm Holdings, Shares Plummet

Losing a major customer is bad for business.  In the world of bedding, good contracts are hard to come by.  So when Tempur Sealy made the surprise announcement Monday morning that Mattress Firm has terminated ALL contracts with the Kentucky bed maker, all hell broke loose.  Shares of $TPX were off by -30% premarket.

According to the newswire, Mattress Firm Holdings was demanding considerable changes to their agreement, including significant concessions. 

An accord could not be reached.  A formal termination of the contract was delivered to Temper on Friday, January 27th.

The news sent analysts into action, doing their part to add insult to injury.  Stifel, Raymond James, SunTrust, Nomura, and PiperJaffray all downgraded Temper Monday morning.

Bedding is a tough business where the core objective is to occupy as much showroom space as possible, thus improving the likelihood that a consumer will choose your product.  Losing a major contract means way less floor space.  Mattress Firm is the biggest bedding retailer in the United States by far.

Meanwhile, companies like Tuft & Needle are offering a comparable product at significantly lower prices, using an online format—effectively challenging Temper in what is essentially a commoditized space—and operating in a manner that is far less reliant upon contracts with brick-and-mortar retailers.

Shares of $TPX are trading at levels unseen since November 2013, effectively wiping out more than three years of capital appreciation in one fell swoop.


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