iBankCoin
18 years in Wall Street, left after finding out it was all horseshit. Founder/ Master and Commander: iBankCoin, finance news and commentary from the future.
Joined Nov 10, 2007
21,502 Blog Posts

CRUELTY

Nice pop and drop and now what? We opened up with the idea that hope is possible and now we are bearing witness to civilization crumbling before our eyes.

My position was very secure, now not so much. I went from a handful of well performing stocks and a TZA hedge to no hedge and crashing stocks and now I have a TZA hedge again but it’s too late.

We are crestfallen and it is my error for believing in the bull. The tell was spiraling lower biotech stocks and now the blood is everywhere. I’ll be careful not to get whipsawed again.

Down 80bps early going.

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New Business Plan for Stocklabs — VCs GET IN HERE

Inspired by the world I now live in, I was thinking of ways to greatly increase the sales of Stocklabs, not because I’m interested so much in new yachts and fancy homes and cars, but because I want to solve the most important crisis in the world today: poverty.

With Stocklabs, no one has to be poor anymore. You can simply login and trade with the other clever members of the group and make outsized returns. The data is so good and concise, I managed to make 220% last year while sipping martinis and noshing on decadent sandwiches throughout the trading sessions. So with that in mind, here is my sales pitch to fellow VCs out there interested in the next big thing.

Let’s influence government officials via bribes and perhaps some extortion to not only promote Stocklabs to the masses, but also make sure they join the service in the name of financial health.

We can achieve this goal by mandating all citizens show their Stocklabs passes to get into plays and movie theaters, even restaurants and gyms — the works.

Also, and this is an important one, we’ll have news channels extol the virtues of me (Dr. Fly) and Stocklabs 24/7, featuring an array of financial experts who agree. We can then follow up these promotions with divisive editorials and social media posts maligning those who do not subscribe to Stocklabs as being “anti-finance” and threaten to take away their pensions and social security funds if they don’t “join up.”

The divisive part of the marketing is important — because there’s always going to be people who won’t join. By saying ‘it’s for the greater good’ we can immediately take the high road and paint non members as “selfish monsters” for potentially placing all of us in financial peril. Some will hate us, but on the whole many will cave and we expect to get at least 70% of the people to join.

One important vertical to expand our MRR will be the rollout of new features, “boosters” to the platform that if not purchased all but renders the original Stocklabs worthless. We can say stuff like “the market has changed and you need this new booster in order to be effective against this really tough tape.”

Another interesting market ploy would be to publicly announce how many accounts go to zero every day, maybe even leaking the actual names of the people who wiped themselves out and then send reporters to their homes to ask them how they felt and if they regretted not being members of Stocklabs. By doing this, we might convince fearful people to join, especially the financially weak and elderly — because who wants to lose their retirements accounts when a simple $59.95, sans boosters, might permit them to enjoy the normal benefits of their life savings?

Once we get everyone to sign up, there might always be a chance Stocklabs doesn’t make everyone money. If this should ever happen, we can blame it on the “tough market”, calling it “RARE”, and just roll out another booster. I’m thinking we can do this at least once per year, all subsidized by the government.

“ANTI-LABBERS” will be viewed on par with troglodyte misfits who eat their socks for lunch and are financially incapable of buying hot dogs from street vendors.

I’m really excited about this new business model and think we can make a big impact on the yachting community, not because we’ll all have new yachts or anything like that, but because those poor yachtsmen are in great financial peril and we can save them via our tonic.

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Cuckhold Session For Yours Truly

I bore witness today and that’s about it. I re-entered the market late in the day and gave back 15bps and closed +35bps in an otherwise milquetoast and nothing to do session, amidst the cannon fire and depraved debauch celebratory lines of cocaine being both shared and enjoyed inside The Pelican Room.

What can I say? Sometimes you fuck and sometimes you get fucked and sometimes you don’t fuck at all.

I closed out fairly long with a 20% weight in TZA for a hedge.

Let’s see what tomorrow brings. As you can see, I am still scared.

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SCAM WICKS FTW

Through sheer cowardice and sudden lack of desire to collect more currency, I am up just 41bps in a day where the market is handing out money like candy on halloween. A slew of stocks are up more than 10% and only the brave, or incredibly stupid, are being handsomely rewarded today.

Nevertheless, I have a plan for that too, which is why I have another account based on the Stocklabs ranking ecosystem and that is up 3% for the day. The plan was and continues to be it is invested without my opinions, just those of cold machines.

For me  the question is to chase or not to chase?

Of course the answer is chase, even though I could’ve taken a different obstinate rout here, pretending to all of you how disciplined I was and how I’d never buy into such scam wicks. The great part of getting older is you no longer have to bullshit yourselves. I know I’ll chase stocks going higher, even if it was the last thing I did. If I was on the verge of stroking out or suffering from some vaccine induced cardiac event, I’d probably delay my own death by several minutes just to get a fill on a recently hot Chinese burrito.

Speaking of which, Chinese stocks are very hot early going. I must’ve mentioned the research I did several times which demonstrated a proclivity for Chinese Burrito stocks to bottom during the month of January. Yet, as I look at BABA up massively from the lows, I find myself without any burritos. Funny how that happens.

Here’s another prediction. SAAS stocks will at some point reach another zenith of all time highs. Many will double from current prices.

Now you must be asking yourselves “if this is true, why doesn’t this lunatic just buy HUBS and call it a day?”

Because that would be too easy. My life wasn’t concocted in order to make it easy for me. Ergo, and this goes without saying, I’ll continue to trade and drive myself crazy all for the sake of cheap thrills and entertainment. Plus, I might make another 220% this year to boot for my troubles.

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SIRS

What a wonderful tape! The market looked dreamy for 3 mins and then collapsed like a sieve. But don’t worry, Chinese burrito stocks are strong and they’ll help us get to the promise land.

Nevertheless, I sold everything I owned at the open, locking in an 8bps gain, which I will now use to buy myself another yacht.

More importantly, and don’t forget, Stocklabs now permits free trials, cancel at any time. I tell you this now energetically because I am up 8bps for the day and figured you might want someone to help you replicate such grande returns.

I don’t like playing with a volatile tape like this, not because it’s hard. I’m able to trade it and make money, but at what expense? The stress levels it takes to perfect volatile trading is probably the greatest contributors to cardiac arrests outside the vaccine. I have a great blog planned for the vaccine which is of course fascinating to me and don’t want to ruin it now with spoilers. Let’s just say they have a great gig going with all the police and public shaming working for them around the clock to get them new customers.

If only I could do that with Stocklabs, I wouldn’t even have to worry about squandering my 8bps gain.

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Was that the Bottom?

ALERT: WE ARE NOW OFFERING FREE TRIALS FOR Stocklabs (LIMITED TIME).

 

Sign up here plebs

————————————————–

My morning fear was unfounded. The time to be scared is now, not then. Braver men than me stepped in early and really raped the tape. I more or less twiddled my thumbs all day, until I saw a clear push up and then allocated 100% long in a sundry of beaten down names. Although tempted to ride with these positions overnight, because who doesn’t love a great fairy tale? I was instead reminded of the countless and cruel tapes, whereby priors day rally was completely ignored and replaced with a cast of doom.

To be clear, I have no hedges now and am 69% cash — but I sold most of my stocks into the close because locking in a 75bps profit for the session never felt so good. There is an old saying and I always find it to be true, “one in the hand is better than two in the bush.”

I cannot for sure tell you how markets will open tomorrow. But what I do know now is we reversed a really bad correction and at the lows of the session — Stocklabs was 10 year oversold. To put that into perspective, we go back decades and backtest the technicals of the market based on our algorithms. The only time in history we have been OS on the 10yr algo was the bottom of 2020 COVID lows. Now you might think that to be crazy, but the algorithms do not have feelings and the short term carnage in the tape measured up to the very worst of markets, in decades.

Yes, down 20% in a week on the best software names in the world is on par with calamity.

If you survived THE GREAT CRASH of 2022, congrats. I’m not sure if the bottom is in, but I sure as hell am rooting for some easy trades.

Today’s afternoon trades.

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SCAM WICKS INTO THE CLOSE

So far my previous post is the bottom, frightened man blogging from an anonymous location — afraid to step up with steeled balls and buy the dips. We have gone straight up since then, all the while I remained in the comforts of cash, having traded just once in FNGU for a small 0.6% gain.

The ideas in my head are all bad and why should they be? We have already driven off the cliff and the car is already submerged in the lake with all participants TRAPPED in their seatbelts. Will the authorities comes out to rescue us (The Fed) and if not — why not? The authorities have always responded to market participants driving off a cliff and into a lake with a rescue team, mostly encouraging words from the shore, cajoling us to get the fuck out of the car and swim to safety.

Into the final hour, I fear that my fear will dissipate and I will once again be headlong into the fires.

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FIN.

I was hedged a little too perfectly and closed out all positions this morning and am up 9bps for my trouble. The market is finally cascading lower and you’d be brave to buy here, when in fact Sir it’s over.

We are now embarking on technical levels from the 2020 lows in Stocklabs, which means we are, at some point, due for a sharp mean reversion bounce. While true, it never feels right and I must admit feeling a deep sense of dread looking at this tape. Then again, that’s my natural walking around demeanor.

100% cash, not eager to play any Intra day levels.

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BREAKING: Everyone Has Been Canceled

Greetings,

On Friday a heinous error was made in Bavaria, whereby 25,000 emails of former subs, current subs, leads, and also spam accounts were automatically placed into our Mailchimp off boarding workflow, effectively sending out 25,000 emails to everyone to inform them their Stocklabs subscription had been canceled. Although humorous on a rote level, the lack of professionalism at the House of iBankCoin is quickly on the decline — a house in ruins so to say. Things have gone in the direction of the absurd in recent months and there is little that I can do to remedy this at this time. At some point I will right the ship and all will be well. Until then, expect more emails to be sent to you, menacing messages I might’ve typed up at 2am, gravely informing you that your non-existent plan at Stocklabs had been canceled and how, because of this, 20 generations of your bloodline are now cursed as a consequence.

If you have received an email of cancellation, please ignore it or reply and tell the sender to fuck itself.

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CRYPTOS ROUTED *

If there was ever an asset class or classes deserving of annihilation — it is the NFT and crypto space. The decentralized nature of BTC, which is fully reported and taxable to the IRS, is a joke. The idea of paying exorbitant gas fees to buy a fucking picture on the “blockchain” is of course ludicrous. My gains in Ethereum were only enjoyed because I bought the blood — utter catastrophe of an asset class down in the $100s at the time of purchase. The idea of buying it at $4,000 and expecting large outsized returns is absurd.

Having said that, the plebs who bought the top are being washed out and all of the clowns who dedicated their lives to buying and selling on Openseas are now zeroed the fuck out — following an apocalyptic decline in Jpegs.

We are in a bear market for all stocks except those who sell stuff in the grocery or companies who do more than $75 billion in annual revenues. Bitcoin, although fantasized as something separate from the risk structure, has proven to be just another spoke in the wheel — nothing special and nothing immune to the pangs of misery afflicting investors now. It’s too mainstream, filled with abject morons — the dumbest asset class of all — replete with Zoomer and Millennial retards who regard their crypto investments as extensions of their penis instead of some plan or scheme to get rich over long periods of time. The extent of their “research” is as follows: “NEVER GONNA SELL. XYZ IS GONNA MOON. GONNA APE INTO IT BECAUSE THE LOGO IS AWESOME.”

There’s only so much stupidity the world can endure and I view the sinister declines in cryptos to be a most welcomed correction. Perhaps after the dust settles and losses heaved over and spilled out into the general economy we could buy the dip and buy fanciful pictures of decrepit apes at discounted prices for little to nothing in gas fees and be equanimous in our stratagems as we upload into the metaverse.

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