I asked you to tell me your top 5 positions in the previous post, so that I might be afforded to judge you. That is exactly what I intend to do right now. I’m not interested in your portfolio being diversified by the traditional standards, only that it correlate with the basic tenets of reason. After all, I am not evil or mean spirited. Here goes.
XIV is most likely the greatest long term investment of all time. It makes Warren Buffett look stupid and places just about every single hedge fund manager in the ultimate ‘fag box‘ for all of eternity.
Charlie: JCP, JASO, precious metals, firearms, books
Just by looking at this portfolio, I know, without a shadow of a doubt, this is a very disturbed man, most likely a threat to his neighbors and closest friends. The JCP investment is an anti-establishmemnt, glib, expression of hatred for reason and economics. Everything else is pretty crazy too. Who invests in books? A fucking crazy man, thats who!
siegel: TGA, REGI, CISG, SORL, AMT
I know guys like this. They swing for the fences and then feel bad about their degeneracy, so they buy 1 token stock that is normal. In this case, he bought AMT, likely the smallest position, to offer solace to his troubled soul. This is a man who is destined for extreme poverty.
lmaonade: BIDU, DANG, WBAI, SUNE, YGE
He’s long the great nation of China and doesn’t care what anyone else thinks. He doesn’t really like China, but wants the high beta. He needs it, like a crack head and will blow up his account to prove it. This pastiche of stocks will likely make money. But I fear for him, longer term.
Dishobgyn: RIG, SQQQ, GG, DDD, BALT, NAT
This is classic ridiculousness. He’s long some really high beta stuff and an oil laggard, but hedges it with an insane ultra short nasdaq ETF? This portfolio is built to do nothing, a real Switzerland if you ask me.
Rolo: ISIS, AKAM, ADI, PPHM, PFE
Clearly this guy has a hard on for biotech. Such perversion for a particular sector can be very rewarding, or tragically heinous. Nevertheless, I think he’s onto something and applaud his efforts. Frankly, the PFE is a waste of time, though. AKAM might be top heavy too. Then again, what the fuck do I know?
Geoff: TLT, AAPL, ESRX, QCOM, MCD
Judging by these positions, he is an older man, one that dislikes children playing on his yard. The whole MCD investment screams carelessness, a crassness that can only be hedged by his wonderful positions in TLT and AAPL.
Pfarely1212: CBI, GILD, LEA, URI, WHR
This is actually a really good portfolio, one that Cramer would applaud. I can’t really talk shit about it, other than the fact that it’s somewhat moribund, devoid of psychotic character traits.
FrustratedMonkey: CALL, ARNA, SALE
We shouldn’t be mean to the disabled. I’m sure this person is retarded and his parents gave him 5k to play the market. This portfolio either goes up 100% inside of 12 months or down another 50%.
Askthegodfather: AAPL, ZU, NFLX, PCLN, TWTR
I imagine this gent to be a boss amongst bosses. He’s somewhere exotic now, smoking cuban cigars and sipping on single malt scotch. He has style, class and knows his shit. Even if he loses money, he loses in style, a man’s man, a person of distinguished sensibilities–a Godfather.
Rahagar: EPD, AAPL, Preferred stock fund, cash
This is a true pussy, if I might be so bold. Hopefully the cash and preferred fund is transitory, to borrow a word from Grandma Yellen. He’s probably an engineer or a programmer, something discipline oriented. Investing is something of a side gig for him.
Jerseywhale: BX, FSLR, FB, BIIB, AAPL
This is an interesting blend of stocks. He basically tossed together a bunch of super popular names and let the shit roll. Not a bad idea in this doggy dog world. Who needs research when you got a portfolio like this?
Huggiebear, Highsurf: Cash
A man without a position is a man destined for vagrancy.
Bender_Cl: BIDU, CTRP, TWTR, GOGO, QIHU
This guy doesn’t give a shit. He’s the honey badger of investing and goes to check his mail in the nude. He drinks whiskey for breakfast and doesn’t apologize for the mess he leaves behind.
Jules: SUNE, TWTR, SMFG, CHK, HMC
This is a well thought out portfolio, one that should be rewarding and also fun to watch. The kids will gather by the fireside this Xmas and thank him for making such wise investments, thinking about the family and generally caring about money.
Zheeeem: KMR, CBI, FLY, AAPL, SAN
This is a professional who is trying to get me to say something stupid. He probably doesn’t own FLY. He likely threw that in there to appeal to me. Everything else is good and safe. It’s good and safe because that’s what pros do.
CF4: GOOGL, GNC, CRTO, LULU
This guy is looking for bargains. He’s the type of guy to haggle over prices, drive car salesmen nuts and leaves 15% tips. The GOOGL is a token investment, to hedge against his debauchery and avoid divorce.
Billiejones: HL, AEM, ANV, EXK, VHC, VRNG
The end of days awaits. This man is hoping for a financial collapse and the subsequent starvation of America’s elderly and children. The VHC and VRNG screams “fuck the system”, as well as his affinity for “hard currency.”
Earl: Romanian goats, pineapple coffins, hot slices of pizza, bottled fracking water
What style. What pizazz. What else can I say other than ‘bravo’.
Operator1: N, YGE, ZU, PKX, CELG
This is a pleasant drive down a sunny road. The trees gently waiver as the wind from the ocean sweeps across the meadow. There is control in this portfolio, a design that should be duplicated and accepted as ‘industry professional’, a person who can command respect because he doesn’t play the games of children.
Moosedog: BAC, MFC, FCX, CPG, KO
This man is likely looking for the yield curve to steepen and inflation to take hold. His one hold out is KO and probably bought it for the name. It’s a decent bet, even though it’s entirely wrong. At least he has balls and a plan.
Skalliwag: AAPL, INTC, MSFT, O, FB
WTF is this shit? Why not buy the Q’s and a summer rental?
Tradingnymph: Short AAPL, AA, PCLN, TWTR, TSLA…”short everything.”
I respect a person who is willing to die for their beliefs. This person is a jihadist in the investment community and is fixated on ideology. If I was a bear, all of these shorts make sense, except AAPL. Why short the company with $150 billion in cash? It.makes.no.fucking.sense.
Civilmetimbers: QIHU, VNET
Seriously? This is your entire portfolio? Although I love both stocks, at the present time, it takes a maniacle sociopath to throw everything into two chinese burritos. That, or he’s a young punk with a few shekels to toss idly into stocks, mainly for shits and giggles.
Tradercaddy: TZA, GDX, cash, black bear skins
So, he’s bearish and thinks his GDX is going to protect him. Considering his choice in bearish ETF, I’m guessing he’s only looking for a short term trade. This is a man with a cynical mind, always trying to outfox his neighbors, a former attorney who spends his days in a sleepy Floridian town killing off the wildlife on his property, whilst devouring large oranges–fresh off his trees.
Option Addict: FSLR, SUNE, LULU, X, TWTR
Another professional trader trying to fuck with me. Clearly this guy is a market timer, someone who buys the shit you sell and then sells it back to you at higher prices, laughing at you the entire-fucking-time.
Helicopter Ben: Student loans, cars, credit cards, cash, food
Meet the future President of the United States.
Matt Bear: FSLR, X, LULU, TWTR, JCP leap puts
Another market timer, positioned for success, other than the oddball JCP leap puts position. The company is not likely to go bust any time soon. My guess, this is a small position, one that was made without thinking, a regular reactionary.
Former Geek: DIS, EGO, AA, SBUX, FL
This is a high net worth individual who doesn’t have time to play the stupid games that you like to play. He buys the best and holds it for as long as he likes. He drinks fine wine and is married to a domineering woman who likes to spend his money. Therefore, he doesn’t have time to play your games.
Fidel Cash Grow: CVI, UA, LNKD, Z, AAPL
The CVI investment is throwing me off. He must’ve bought it because of Icahn. He is a student of the market who respects activist investors. He also is a believer in web 2.0 and is willing to climb the wall of worry, pissing on David Einhorn all the way up.
Stockhawk: Short MCD, Short MNST, Short TBT, Long TZA, Long CORN
A danger to society and small animals. He’s emotional and stabs first, thinks a lot later. He’s the Roberto from Futurama of investing and hopes that you all die, so that he can be proven right. The TZA position is likely a ‘long term investment’ which is especially insane since it’s subject to assholish Direxion trading patterns, thanks to decay.
Wolfdaddy: CMG, TSLA, SCTY, TASR, TWTR
An important man, someone with important friends in politics and finance. He fashions himself an authority on technology and life in general. He’s not really interested in what his stocks do on a daily or weekly basis. He knows how the game works and when to cash in. Obviously, he knows there is room to grow and will keep himself busy, managing his businesses, as the rest of you worry about Janet Yellen and the stupid Ukraine.
rijfsu1: ZU, VNET, GOGO, AKAM, Cuban cigars
A super aggressive man that is prone to extreme peaks and valleys. He’s been around the block more than once and has blown up his account several times. Ask him if he cares–cause he doesn’t. This time is different and he intends to celebrate a new era of unchecked hedonism like Jay Gatsby.
gregoryajohnson: ETP, BAC, AAPL, UA, PM
An older man who decided to spice up his life by buying UA and AAPL. He’s income oriented because he’s retired and thinks the lot of us are savage animals for trying to time the market.
spurr1: GTAT, VHC, DDD, CUR, GERN
He doesn’t give a shit what I have to say–because he knows it all. Even though his positions are shit, he will laugh and say “wait and see, asshole.” He doesn’t market time or invest for the long term. He invests with his heart and right now his heart says “you’re the fucking man.”
bluestar: short LVS, LULU calls, Cash…waiting for a top
The LULU position is just a ruse. This man is not interested in making money on the long side. He is waiting for a GIGANTIC TITANIC sized collapse and is short LVS merely as an appetizer of more delightfully horrible things to come.
Zenhunter: LRAD, HYGS, DMRC, STV, AMRN
This is what clown looks like. He might’ve made a mint in HYGS and is trying to catch more lightening in other, stupid, bottles. The only problem with his plan is that he’s indoors, in a gym, playing with retards. He wants big risk and big returns and needs crazy people to enter his realm in order to profit. This is the ‘human centipede’ of portfolios.
Moneybagz: BAC, ICPT, EMES, RUBI, XON
Damn, this guy pretty much bought and held any idea of mine he liked. The BAC position might be old, or something he bought and forgot about. Everything else is high beta and aggressive. I like his chances to make money, but hope he will know when to sell.
biffer: FLTX, HCLP, CELG, TTS, MU
This is a man with discipline and a plan. He understands the risks and is willing to buy out of favor shit, because it just might turn into gold. The majority of his net worth isn’t in stocks and he considers this more of as hobby than a serious effort at increasing his net worth.
Ripper: short Howard Lindzon, long ALJ, CMG, BIDU, MSFT
He loves the internet, but is skeptical about investing in social media. He owns BIDU because he doesn’t understand Chinese and the numbers “look good” on paper. ALJ is something is once bought for a trade, then decided he liked it, so he left it alone. He’s not looking to make a fortune and will certainly not trust this market enough to lose one either.
Cat: TLT, ZU, NLFX, AAPL, cash
A market timer who is quick to pounce on hot stocks. He isn’t reckless and knows the risks associated with trading. He’s had some recent success and feels emboldened by it. I hope he knows when to fold and cash in his chips, however.
Verona Gentleman: The Ron Paul portfolio
Another gold bug who is waiting for Halley’s comet to come back around and destroy civilization.
Amateur Hour: HCLP, GILD, BX, RICE, WFM
A smug, disdainful man, who likes to humble brag. Most likely a member of the medical profession, he is rich and doesn’t need to invest in stocks, but does so because it pleases him. He buys quality companies and likes to read research reports. He is not a short term trader and thinks anyone who trades is bound to blow up.
Soupbone: COS-T, TD, BNS, NVS, CU-T
A proud canadian who mocks “fat faced” Americans. On occasion he might delve into US stocks, if only for a trade. But his heart bleeds mapled syrup and his brain is made from hockey pucks.
RAUL3: TWTR, LO, GPRO, TSLA, CELG
The GPRO position means he is a marker timer, interested in finding the next big winner. The LO position is most likely a place to park cash, as he rips in and out of the market, trying to capture treasure.
Kohai: AWK, MON, RGLD, VZ, XOM
Another high net worth individual who is too busy at work, making money and dealing with employees, than to time the crazy moves in the market. He built a portfolio that can last nuclear detonations and if forced to take a position he might say the market is due for a correction. Nonetheless, he won’t sell these stocks because he’s too busy worrying about work.
Flyleech: VTSMX, ZBRA, AAPL, AGO, VTI
He’s been in the market a long time and is done gambling with stocks. This might be a retirement account and is within 15 years of retirement, if not closer. He isn’t interested in outperforming the market any longer, but will take one, maybe two, new investments over the course of the year–just to keep the blood flowing. He’s optimistic and thinks the market should continue to outperform.
Dewey dortmunder: XNET
A small investor, supreme piker, looking to hit jackpot. He doesn’t have a lot of money in the market, but has big dreams and is hoping to catch a break.
csilvers: TNET, RVLT, MHR, HK, BBSI
He might work for BBSI. He doesn’t buy market leaders because he always thinks they’re too expensive. He buys 2nd and 3rd tier names in an attempt to outsmart everyone else. He’s had some success and is willing to change his portfolio overnight. This current blend of pure shit is giving him fits and he’s very close to dumping everything and going to cash.
the reaper: YELP, AGNC, PM, CLDX, YHOO
This guy has made a mint over the past 5 years. He probably owns a lot more than the stocks mentioned. He’s up big on YELP and feels CLDX is going to be a monster winner. The YHOO position is annoying him and he’s waiting for Alibaba to either sell or be rewarded for his patience. The market is his oyster and he has a shitload of clams.
fifytwoweekhi: FSLR, IBM, TWTR, LULU, COH
He likely works in the tech space and is somewhat skeptical about investing up at these levels. He tells himself TWTR is long term, but fears the stock might start going lower again. He’s long COH and LULU because everyone hates them. This is his way of being bearish and bullish at the same time. IBM is a safety play, but isn’t really faithful to it. He needs to visit a psychaitrist.
boyaj: FB, GILD, HCLP, OAS, MU
An industry professional who prides himself on being able to get ahead of the curve. His portfolio is nearly perfect and has enjoyed tremendous success over the past five years. He believes everyone else is stupid and will be more than happy to buy their margin calls. He is probably sitting on some cash right now, hoping the market pulls in.
reasonableguy: cash, UNP, YHOO, NSH, XOM
He’s probably from the midwest or some bumfuck flyover state. He doesn’t trade and is a student of Graham. He is a Warren Buffett disciple and reads the site for entertainment purposes only. He will allocate the rest of his money after september or a serious correction. Balance sheets are everything. The rest is simply conjecture.
Research Donkey: SLCA, ICPT, KANG, JAZZ, FANG
He really likes reading the site and has made a lot of money off some of the picks he’s read about on the site. He doesn’t blindly follow, however. He’s a student of the market is quite proficient at reading the tea leaves himself. He is a research junkie and believes the market is going to rip tits soon, to the upside of course. This is a great man and his portfolio is built to win.
Blakej001: VHC, SGYP, MNKD, BONE, CPRX
Classic absurdity. He wants to eat his cake and have it too. He’s invested in dice rolls because he has a gambling addiction and doesn’t know how to moderate himself. A heavy drinker who stays up late, worrying about the market. He’s had some success, but has also blown his account to pieces more times than he is willing to discuss. If given the chance, he will leverage himself to the hilt and likes to play doctor on the weekend, especially at cocktail parties.
rormilt: DHI, WB, SUNE, CCJ, JAZZ
A lot of things don’t make sense to this man. He sort of hates the market, but is invested anyway. He’s had moderate success, nothing to write home to mom about. He’s likely new and doesn’t really have a strong opinion one way of another. All he knows is that he thinks the bears are dicks and would love to take all of their money. This portfolio is designed to be high beta, but has been putting him to sleep. Ergo, he’s confused.
Thanks for playing.