I don’t even like beards, yet I am growing one. I’ve surrounded myself with a lexicon of ideas, a rich history of winship, and an infallible track record of merciless victories. On this day, I announce to you, the pleb, that I, “The Fly”, grow a beard on my face for the benefit of my people inside of the stocked market. I do this, selflessly and without shame, so that you might profit.
Just know, I consider facial hair to be a reprehensible offense against civilized man. The fact that I’ve housed my razor blades in the cupboard to collect dust, instead of shaving cream, speaks volumes to the true nature of my very black heart.
My competitors prance about the internet, and on Twitter, clad in cheap regalia–a cacophony of offensive instruments meshed into a singular curse. These fish salesmen, these caitiffs, do not deserve an audience of your stature and distinguished sensibilities. Cast them back into the pits of hell they’ve derived from and actively seek out and expose others who aspire to fill their scandalous, treacherous stations.
Their foreboding commentary regarding the stock market shall be met with blows to their eyebrows and chest hairs–leaving garish scars as a testament to their sins.
HERETO, a great man of impeccable eminence has offered a facial sacrifice, which will undoubtedly lead to a concatenation of events that will leave you all for the better.
These words have been written on November the 18th, 7:29 est.