Morning Poppers (The Correction is Here)

The DAX is off by 0.45% and Dow futures are -196, so this must be the end of the bull market as we know it. Some of the gains we’ve seen during the month of January have been so great, we could recoil by a solid 10% and still show double digit gains in dozens of high profile names. Just a few short weeks ago I refused to accept gains less than 100%, now I’m trying to contain the mayhem.

I’m expecting carnage today, which might force me to raise cash in my tactical account. It sucks to sell at a loss, but it sucks even more to have bullshit stocks during a bad tape. Agreed? Most of my trading stocks are low quality names, stocks that will get absolutely poleaxed in a bad tape. This is the other side of the blade and it cuts deep.

The dollar is -0.3% v the euro, WTI is -1% and gold is flat. Ahead of the state of the union, it looks like we’re going to see a correction. However, I’d love nothing more than a face ripping rally.

Here’s some other shit crossing the wires this morning.

MXIM -9.9% (Renesas (RNECF) spokesperson has denied reports that it is in talks to acquire MXIM)
UCTT -7.3% (commenced an underwritten public offering of approximately $100 mln of its common stock; intends to disclose in connection with the offering former shareholder dispute)
GRUB -3% (downgraded to Underweight from Equal Weight at Barclays)
IMMY +47.6% (Imprimis Pharmaceuticals now making available two glaucoma drugs on FDA’s drug shortage list)
Alphabet target raised to $1350 at Needham ahead of Thursday’s earnings
Amazon target raised to $1500 at Monness Crespi & Hardt — Race to $1 Trillion and Why Amazon May Get There First

I’m not gonna get wordy about what is taking place tonight and instead be as direct as I can. Sell offs like this have not lasted long the past year. Each and every time the bottom dropped out, a magical one appeared and made everything lift again.

Here’s why things might be different this time.

The House just voted to release a top secret memo that, allegedly, will make Americans get off their fat asses and overthrow the government. FBI Director Wray is on the cusp of firing McCabe, Nancy Pelosi is stroking out, and Sean Hannity is having orgasms on live teevee over it.

Watch these videos to get caught up.

People are watching the 10yr bond and making dire predictions about if and when it breaks 3% and how it will crush equities. Whether there is any validity to this frenzy is moot, as long as investor psyche is affected by it.

The US 10yr is at 2.71%, a solid 60bps above the 2 year. People need to calm the fuck down.

On the plus side, this is the first time in a decade all 10 sectors guided up on earnings. Here’s the bottom line: we were overbought. Now we are working it off. Watch the political turmoil unfold and grab a great big barrel of popped corn and hope for the worst.

Dow futures are -177, Nasdaq -39.

Sleep tight.

Aside from playing the one arm bandit during the day with high beta stocks of a vulgar nature, I also research methods to procure safe investments designated for income. What use is it to make a lot of money if you’re just gonna piss it all away?

Everyone should have a large percentage of their discretionary income dedicated towards a conservative strategy, which includes income. Some people, especially those aging the fuck out, prefer to go down the rout of munis or government, others go with corporate, preferred’s, and REITs. Personally, I like a strong stock with great free cash flow that pays a big fat dividend.

Let’s review some of the best dividend payers of 2017. Considering markets crashed today and uncertainty is in the air, this post will play well this evening — subliminally scaring the shit out of some of you to seek refuge.

NOTE: I screened for companies whose market caps were above $5b, just because.

Stock/Dividend yield/Percentage Gain (1yr)

JNJ, 2.3%, 28.6%
XOM, 4.5%, 5.03%
WMT, 2.1%, 69.3%
WFC, 2.7%, 18%
CVX, 3.7%, 15.3%
PFE, 3.6%, 27%
NVS, 2.7%, 32%
VZ, 4.8%, 11.9%
KO, 3.2%, 18%
INTC, 2.6%, 34%
CSCO, 3.1%, 41%
HSBC, 6%, 32%
BA, 2.1%, 107%
ABBV, 2.7%, 108%
COST, 4.8%, 28%
LVS, 4.4%, 52%

The oil pipelines did well too.

REITs performed well, in spite of the lack of risk off mood that traditionally get the sector bought. One thing to remember when buying REITs, they do not enjoy the lower dividend tax rates that ordinary stocks get.

Something came up and I need to be whisked away. Do not worry, I am not under arrest for murder, or anything like that. I am just busy right now and really do not have the time to see if my wager of my head is going to pan out or not.

So, let’s just continue this bet for tomorrow, shall we? I am sure it will make for a great drama, all of my ardent haters hoping and praying for my final demise.

At any rate, markets look truly wonderful now, off by 150 and deepening. There’s nothing in this tape that suggests danger, so feel free to seek out fresh and new ideas for investments.

I’ll see you fuckers later. The executioner, that being me, is going to have to wait another day.

I am so confident of a late day rally, I am wagering my own head in return for nothing at all. To be clear, I will take a guillotine to my own head and cut it clean off my shoulders should the market not close green. If I win, nothing happens.

Sounds reasonable?

I know some of you will try to talk me out of it, fearing a great talent might be lost for something as meaningless as a late day rally. But you need to calm down and have faith that Le Fly knows exactly what he’s doing at all times and cannot lose, as dictated by the laws of nature. Even when I am losing, I am actually winning.

The Dow is currently down by 75 and the dollar gains have been cut in half and the deficit in oil actually the same. There is a certain bleakness casting its gloom over today’s tape, with just 31% of stocks higher for the session.

My quantitative portfolio is down 0.7% today and is scheduled to be updated this Wednesday. All signs point to a weaker close — which is precisely why I am wagering, with my very own head, we will rally, AND MORE, into the bell.

Do you see all of those stock’d market gains in your portfolio? They were all gotten under false pretenses. The every trustworthy Chris Cuomo from CNN corrected the record this morning, highlighting Trump’s brazen hypocrisy on his economic accomplishments, pointing out through facts, how incredibly shitty the economy was during 2017.

While the stock market did just fine in 2017, they might’ve gone higher under false pretenses. If that’s the case, kiss all of your stock market gains goodbye.

Thank you CNN.

I remember when the Keurig device came out; I thought it was the best invention since electricity. Many of you here might recall my obsession with the product and how it was responsible for my obsession with coffee. I recall drinking 6-10 cups of coffee per day with that thing — fucking wired to the hilt. Shares of BBBY were pressing higher, based solely on Keurig machine and K-Cup sales, and it brought a lot of excitement to the retail sector. We hadn’t had a real high tech, consumer friendly, device like the Keurig in years, possibly decades.

Then it all fell to shit.

Personally, I became disgusted by my machine, after finding out the level of mildew buildup inside of it. Plus, I became a true coffee aficionado and began to look down upon those who K-Cup’d. I had moved onto French press and pour over, creating latte art from the confines of my fucking home.

Shortly after, Green Mountain was taken private in shame and I thought I’d never see them again.

WRONG.

Keurig’s private equity dick handlers, JAB, agreed to acquire Dr. Pepper Snapple, who by the way just acquired a local company near me called Bai, in a deal that will set them on course to compete with the likes of KO and PEP.

Even better, they’re gonna leave a tracking stock under the ticker KDP. Essentially, Keurig is coming pubic again, in the most grandiose way possible.

David Faber and the gang discuss the deal and how Keurig progressed during its time private.

Yawn.

I just got in now, since I had a previous engagement. I come back to this — markets in turmoil — gold bugs squashed, oil men slicked up and lit aflame. It wasn’t supposed to be like this — but here we are. There are exceptions, naturally. I have my penis sizing stock, MYSZ, erecting higher. And my all but bankrupt REIT, RAS, also higher. Just about everything else is sharply lower — especially all of my haughty well to do gold stocks and triple leveraged miners, which were supposed to bring me great fortune, by the way.

Biotech stocks seem to be doing very well, all things considered.

So what exactly is happening today?

Gold is down all but 1%, causing the weak bugs to scurry for refuge. Oil is off a staggering 1% as well, which is causing a great panic. The dollar is dead cat bouncing v the euro to the tune of +0.6%. And the German Dax is knifing lower — down 0.12%.

Our losses are sprearheaded by horrific declines in both AAPL and FB, both of which are down ~1%.

Any questions?

This nothing pullback is literally causing a panic, with the UVXY +10%, because we’re coming from overbought levels. This is the definition of go eat a fucking sandwich and come back when things look brighter.

Off you go.

If I had a flame-thrower available to me as a teenager, I would of assuredly burned down my apartment and accidentally charred friends. Elon Musk is now selling flamethrowers, that emit flames under 10 ft, via his Boring Company website. While I do want one and probably will buy one, I need to ask the question that all of us are thinking right now.

How many people will die from Elon Musk’s Boring Company flamethrower?

Musk then proceeded to have fun on Twitter, whilst shilling for his deadly weapons.

The Boring Company flamethrower guaranteed to liven up any party! https://t.co/n2FiZimJia

— Elon Musk (@elonmusk) January 28, 2018

When the zombie apocalypse happens, you’ll be glad you bought a flamethrower. Works against hordes of the undead or your money back!

— Elon Musk (@elonmusk) January 28, 2018

Obviously, a flamethrower is a super terrible idea. Definitely don’t buy one.

— Elon Musk (@elonmusk) January 28, 2018

Unless you like fun

— Elon Musk (@elonmusk) January 28, 2018

The rumor that I’m secretly creating a zombie apocalypse to generate demand for flamethrowers is completely false

— Elon Musk (@elonmusk) January 28, 2018

You’d need millions of zombies for a so-called “apocalypse” anyway. Where would I even get a factory big enough to make so many!?

— Elon Musk (@elonmusk) January 28, 2018

ATF says any flamethrower with a flame shorter than 10 ft is A-ok. Our design is max fun for least danger. I’d be way more scared of a steak knife.

— Elon Musk (@elonmusk) January 28, 2018

For a limited time only, Musk is selling 20,000 flamethrowers to a weapon crazed, psychotropic filled, ‘Merica.

The price of ethereum is rising sharply this evening, quickly and fervently catching up in market cap to Bitcoin. At the time of this post, ETH is at $1,248 with a market cap of $121 billion. Bitcoin is at $11,788 with a market cap of $198 billion.

More importantly, shitcoins are running higher in tandem. I’m presently exploring the purchase of a 4th alt-coin, to go alongside my portfolio of STORJ, ELF, and INS.

HINT: I’m interested in storage.

Dow futures are +55, Nasdaq +9. Nothing can stop us from achieving monetary greatness. I want all of you to participate in this rally, so that you too can survive on a champagne diet this summer — cavort around the country, hedonistically dining at all of the finest restaurants. Don’t forget to snap picture of said food items before eating them — because nothing says “I’m living the life” like an aesthetic photo of a Beef Wellington drenched in a red wine reduction.

Sadly, Le Fly must head out soon, off to do his Sunday grocery shopping. Aside from building an Orbital Space Cannon (OSC) for offensive purposes only, I also enjoy to both eat and prepare fine foods.

Heading into the week, I favor MYSZ, VNET, JT, FTK, and NUGT — but that all could change as events unfold in real time.