Morning Poppers (Jokes Are Now Illegal Edition)

Michelle Wolf is not very funny. But it’s not really her fault. Women, as a general rule, aren’t very good comedians. When they are good, it’s because they’re probably men. But now half the country is sperging out over a few fucked up jokes that might’ve embarrassed a few hard people. Please. You can’t claim to be hard, then melt like faggot snowflakes in the face of some poorly timed, poorly worded, attempts at humor.

Face it, politics is fucking retarded. Can we agree that civic duty is the worst form of duty and move on?

Good.

Futures are way the fuck up this morning — because more buyers than sellers. Dow futures are +145, but WTI is lower. OilFAGS eternally BTFO.

Today is the last day of April, which means it’s the last day of the Exodus quant portfolio. I’ll be forming a new portfolio, based off current market trends, sometime this evening and will be executing orders tomorrow morning.

I’m feeling good this morning, albeit sleep deprived. This new dog of mine, the coyote, is a menace and never lets me sleep more than 3-4 hours. She wakes me up with horribly barks and growls in my face, teeth showing and all, until I wake up. That’s my fucking alarm. She then snaps her teeth at me until I walk her, howling like a wolf the entire time. Upon taking her out, she immediately runs after the first car she sees and has a special hatred for school busses, which always earns laughter from the kids inside of them. In short, this dog is contributing to my eventual demise.

My tactical account still has some inverse ETFs in it and I might have to deal with them today. God willing, markets will crack asunder and I can profit from the blood and tears of others — but it doesn’t look likely early going.

I attended the ‘art festival’ in Princeton today and bought a few photographs — one of the blue lagoon in Iceland. I generally stuffed my face with paella, char-broiled oysters, and sangria — and now I have a buttery smelling face and more body fat.

Over the past year or two, I’ve really eased up on the personal fitness aspect of my life and have increased my body fat from ~10% to 25%. Although I still weigh 165lbs, I consider myself to be a skinny-fat fucking faggot. My slippage in personal fitness has a lot to do with my mood — a fatalistic mentality that obsesses on one thing or another. The dietary restrictions, such as being a fucking faggot vegan, truly hurt my motivation to build muscle and crush the skulls of my fellow man. However, a new gym has opened in my neck of the woods, Lifetime Fitness, and I’ll be attending its grand opening on Tuesday.

In preparation of this new phase of my life, I’ve bulked up on protein powder and creatine. The plan is simple — lift 5 days per week and cut down to 153lbs, in order to expel this rubbery tire from my midsection. Then I’ll bulk on a high protein/high cal diet back up to 170, then cut again to 165. All of this will probably take about 9-12 months. By spring of 2019, I’ll be deadlifting small cars again, punching holes through sheetrock, walking around like a properly fit gentleman.

On the important issue of the weather, it fucking sucks. I was clad in my tweed overcoat today, wearing three layers of clothing, and I was really inconvenienced whilst trying to saunter through the art festival. The spring in the northeast has been a real asshole of a season thus far, and I cannot wait for the hot sun to manifest and burn my skin copper.

Futures are higher and I don’t really care. For dinner, I’ll cook up some fish tacos, two or three dirty martinis, and fucking key lime pie. I might as well stuff my skinny fat fucking face now, before the starvation begins in earnest this Tuesday, no?

One final note, my cryptos have recovered a great deal. Over the past month or so, ELF (storage) has tripled and STORJ (storage), INS (groceries and shit) have doubled. I’m bullish on any storage related crypto coin right here, right now.

I spend a lot of time hating on John Legere. He’s the only CEO in America that I truly despise. I have google alerts set up to inform me of his death and I am always interested in bad news pertaining to his stock, TMUS. Sadly, his fucking stock only goes up — because of his deal with the devil.

John Legere, The Devil

Before becoming a rock star telecommunications mogul and Bam Margera look alike — John wanted to be a fucking gym teacher. But instead of doing all of that, he decided to get a proper education and then toil at the AT&T plantation for twenty years, eventually sashaying his way into the CEO position of Global Crossing — where he partook in all sorts of shenanigans, including the bankruptcy and collapse of the company.

Bam Margera

John didn’t always look like Bam Margera. As a matter of fact, before he started wearing pink shirts and cool leather jackets — he was a greasy looking executive — firing employees, increasing his net worth via nefarious means.

John Margera Legere before the cool jacket

Now John is acquiring Sprint for $26 billion. I have no idea how this man continues to get away with his dealings in the business world — but he just keeps bouncing from one giant net worth expansion to the next. I imagine he’ll be firing a bunch of people after the acquisition is complete, in order to increase margins and his compensation package, all the while donning retarded pink T Mobile garb — making believe he is one of us.

Look at me Bro, I’m just like you

Once the Sprint deal is completed, John will be in charge of 127 million customers, a fiendish, devilish man, in charge of that many lives is something akin to a great danger to society — a menace that will eventually lead to ruin.

John Legere, cooking up his latest scheme

Ultimately, the deal will go through and John will be praised as the next Alexander Bell of telecom and “The Fly” will have to endure countless pics of John being featured with his soy boy mouth wide open poses, donning the footwear of a 10 year old girl.

Indeud

The narrative of SIVB has been a FAG-bank in Silicon Valley that drains its region of money and then takes said monies to invest in start ups. After said start-ups grow up to become idiotic unicorns, they cash in and make their share price shoot the fuck higher.

This is their business model — attempt to prove me wrong.

For a bank, the valuation is beyond comical. Anyone who knows the first thing about bank valuations knows that to trade over 3x book is folly. Yet, here we are shilling for SIVB above 3x book and a staggering 7x sales.

Granted, revenues are increasing at an abnormal rate — but that’s only because of the tech boom in the valley. Once that ends, so will the good times at SIVB.

Out of all of the stocks in finance with market caps above $10 billion, SIVB ranks near the very top. Note, it is the only actual bank on the list.

The only other bank in America trading at such a high valuation is FFIN. I have no idea what these losers do, only that it trades 3.5x book and 10x sales.

You thought today was gonna be a great day. You actually got drunk at the desk, at the behest of a lunatic, only to see your positions reverse, go lower, then fuck you.

This is your leader

As a sector, tech is lower — only held up by the fading strength of AMZN. Everything you thought today would be isn’t. You might as well kill yourselves.

Get this math. Remember when people were scared of higher rates? Well now they’re scared of lower rates. Every tick lower in yield is hurting stocks and helping utilities and REITs, traditional boring lame sectors designed to demoralize true stock players.

So this is what is going to happen over the next two weeks. People will look at the market and say ‘meh, it’s not worth it anymore’ and sell. Once they sell, junior at the trading turret will sperg the fuck out and opt into bonds — because junior is retarded. TLT is trend higher and those shilling for yield will pile the fuck into REITs — a sector that has been both maligned and shattered into pieces.

As such, I bought DRN, 3x REITs, to go along with my SOXS, LABD, NUGT and other long positions.

You thought “The Fly” was going to lose — but lo and behold he won!

Shocker.

Come check out our new sharpe ratio tools. Also, give me feedback on what you’d like to see added to the Exodus platform.

Trials will end on Sunday — just in time for you to go away in May.

Hit me up with a kind note, very gracious of my generosity, and I will grant thee a weekend pass.

Flybroker at Gmail.com

Should we celebrate another +100 Nasdaq now or later? Asking for a friend.

Nasdaq futures are +100 — need I say more? Time to get out the white trash Budweiser cans and crack a cold one for the morning read. Anyone getting some SPOT or DBX for a long term hold? If not, why not? SPOT is trading at a reasonable level and is growing faster than anything out there.

Do you not like making money?

How about the Chinese Netflix, IQ?

Or maybe that new laser play in the semis, LASR?

The dog killers, GOOS?

Graphite play, EAF?

TechFAGS tell me ZS and SAIL are the shit. Do you own any of it — or are you just sticking with the FAANG trade because you’re an unoriginal catamite?

And Q1 GDP came in better than expected.

GDP Q1 2.3%, Exp. 2.0%

— zerohedge (@zerohedge) April 27, 2018

Peace on the N. Korea peninsula is happening.

Ok, go drink your Budweiser cans.

I just got done driving the family around for a solid 3 hours. The majority of my time is spent doing things like that — to and fro in an unproductive whir of patriarchic duties. My advice to young men out there, attempting to make their mark — wait a long time to start a family. After you’ve found the right woman to settle down with, map out the live of your children in advance.

After the market closed today, the advice given in my previous post was summarily flushed down the sewer pipe. AMZN, INTC, and MSFT crushed earnings and now Nasdaq futures are +100. I’m going to get fucked in this SOXS tomorrow. My only saving grace will be this burgeoning rally in cryptos — which should buoy shares of OSTK over $40.

Summer is coming. The better among us will soon depart to their gentile destinations, leaving incompetents to man the trading turrets. We should anticipate a feverish run in cryptos and something akin to a drift higher in equities. Providing people can keep from slitting their wrists over the meaningless driving higher in rates, all should be okay.

My intent is to play trends and invest the majority of my money systematically. Right now, the trends are scatter brained — helter skelter, aimless nothingness. Regardless of whether the indices are jumping higher, there really hasn’t been large marge money in this tape.

Alas, time to go now — as I have 5 rib eyes to cook and a bottle of red to uncork.

Jesus Christ. I leave the blog for a short while and an absolutely drooling idiot took over in the comments section writing illegible things.

Look pal, you’re banned. As a matter of fact, you’re entire family is banned. I zeroed in on your IP address, found your apartment tenement, and banned your whole housing project. I even banned the owner of the bodega down the block, just in case the owner is your uncle, or some shit. In order for you to post on iBC, you’ll need to take a subway out of the ghetto at least 5 miles away. Your entire hood got banned, tossed idly into cold prison cells, because none of you have anything interesting to say. Not a single thing.

As for the market, it still sucks. None of you have proved me wrong. True, I took some hammers and blades to the head in these fucking inverse ETFs, but I made a little back in OSTK. Net, net, I was up today — so eat that you flaming faggots.

My quant account stunted again, poleaxing the SPY by 30bps. I’ll have you know, this is the absolute worst time to buy stocks — on a big up day that is encumbered by rancid breadth. Go ahead, I dare you to do it.

If it weren’t for boring ass utilities, most stocks would be down today.

Bottom line: go fuck yourselves and go away…it’s almost May.

This is the second ban I’ve received in as many months. Both times I was suspended for joking around with folks. This time I was banned for telling someone “KYS” — which is an acronym for KILL YOURSELF. It wasn’t meant with malice –but the Twitter AI is fucking stupid, retarded, moron tier skilled, so it tapped me with a 12 hour ban.

Do you know why they suspended me?

BECAUSE THEY ARE GIGANTIC FAGGOTS. That’s why.