The Fly is Back (on the road edition)

Sorry, I’m still retired from the wonderful field of money management. But I am back on the road after an emergency stop at the Benz dealership. The issue with my car was resolved. It was a caliper that was loose and started to destroy my tire in the hopes of fomenting a tire blow out on the highway, while I was furiously speeding to my destination.

The clip was missing entirely from the other tire, which means I only need to drop $350 at this place of ill repute.

I see SNAP shareholders are fairing much worse than I am this morning, so there’s always that.

Markets should bounce today, even though our commander in chief is literally insane.

Military solutions are now fully in place,locked and loaded,should North Korea act unwisely. Hopefully Kim Jong Un will find another path!

— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) August 11, 2017

We’re locked and loaded folks. Goodbye Hawaii.

Fending off criticism for menacing N. Korea with high school tier rhetoric, Trump said his ‘fire and fury’ threat wasn’t tough enough and that if N. Korea didn’t get his act together, they’d be facing BIG TROUBLES, the likes no one has ever faced before.

Watch.

In response to those comments, former DNI, James Clapper, said he wished the President wouldn’t placate the gorilla-retards in N. Korea. He cited an occasion when he visited them in 2014 with a letter from Obama and they clamored for it, like immature morons.

And here is a former advisor for Obama, juxtaposing the sober comments of General Mattis against Trump’s, clarifying the maturing levels of both men and declaring Trump’s threats were pretty much on the levels of saying we were going to send fucking fireballs into N. Korea.

I get that you hate shitlibs and their degenerate platforms. They hide behind their vagrancy. But Trump’s comments to N. Korea are an embarrassment to the evolution of man — dumbing down this great language to violent threats that only bring hazard and humiliation.

Go ahead, defend it.

I saw the market unhinged today and this evening China is telling America to fuck off, not to mess with North Korea. But I have my own issues.

Here I find myself one gazillion miles from home, in a Chevy Chase family road trip with a busted car. In preparation for this long journey, up the cock of America, I made sure to change the tires, brake pads, and rotors — just to be safe. I had the fluids changed, filters — the whole 9 yards — because I’m a careful guy and like to make sure all precautions have been made.

Lo and behold, about 5 miles to my destination, I started to smell rubber. I recall commenting to my wife, ‘gee, I like the smell of rubber.’

Little did I know, I was enjoying the smell of my own demise.

Upon entering the gates of the hotel, the car started to act fucked up, like a god damned tire iron was stuck in the tire, trying to fuck up my vacation. I got under the car, not really giving a fuck about the grease and the disgusting floor, and bore witness to a disaster of the first magnitude. I don’t know a single thing about cars. As a matter of fact, I make sure to only drive new vehicles as to avoid the issue altogether. Lucky for me, my stepfather was with me and he said ‘you were a few minutes away from this tire blowing up and killing everyone.’

Perhaps that was hyperbole, a gloomy way to describe the dire plight I found myself in. Apparently, the ball joint got loose and started rubbing against the inner tire and the fucking rims. The subsequent result from all of this nonsense is a tire that looks cooked, in spite of it being brand new, and me having to monkey around with auto mechanics tomorrow, whilst trying to enjoy a family vacation.

Fortunate for me, the Benz dealership is nearby and I can have those fuckheads tow me there, or I can wing it and try to drive this piece of shit at 5mph to their place of ill repute. I brought two vehicles with me, so worst case scenario, I’ll ditch this lemon and have my attorneys sue them for whatever he thinks is appropriate.

It kind of reminds me a little bit of a spoiled brat in school asking the teacher for an extension for their homework,” Rodriguez said on “Squawk on the Street” in an interview with David Faber.

Rodriguez said Ackman requested a 30- to 45-day extension on the nomination deadline, then revised it down to a week, but then added he might need more time after that.

Rodriguez said Ackman called him to lay out “a series of reasons why” Rodriguez should not be CEO.

“I honestly can’t make heads or tails of what’s going on,” Rodriguez said. “What it feels like is I’m negotiating with someone about buying a used car. And this is not a used car. This is a company that has 58,000 employees, $50 billion market cap and a lot of shareholders that we have of responsibility toward.”

Rodriguez said the company is in the process of scheduling a meeting with Ackman in “early September.”

The two men attended Harvard together, but despite suggestions they may be friends, Rodriguez said he met Ackman “once, 31 years ago in college” and is not on “his holiday greeting card list as far as I can tell.”

Last week, Omega Advisors Chairman and CEO Leon Cooperman, who served on ADP’s board for two decades through 2012, told Ackman not to interfere with the payroll processor’s operations. Rodriguez was named CEO in 2011.

“This is a quality management that has done a great job over many years for the shareholders,” Cooperman wrote in an email to Ackman. The email was obtained by CNBC’s Scott Wapner. “The idea that you can tell these guys how to run their business doesn’t strike me as intelligent or appropriate.”

Rodriguez said ADP was open to ideas Ackman had for improving the business, but noted that the activist’s information so far seemed to come mostly from “disgruntled, former employees.”

“I’m directly saying he doesn’t know what he’s talking about,” Rodriguez told CNBC on Thursday. “Frankly we haven’t heard any ideas yet because he wasn’t ready to share his ideas, but should he have come up with something or stumbled on some kind of idea that would enhance the value of ADP, of course we’re going to listen to him.”

Shares of ADP came off session lows to trade about 0.3 percent lower at midday Thursday after the interview. Shares are down nearly 9 percent for the month.

In a statement Friday, ADP compared it six-year stock performance under Rodriguez to Pershing Square’s hedge fund returns from 2012 to 2016.

“Since Carlos Rodriguez became CEO nearly six years ago, ADP’s total shareholder return of 202% is well in excess of the S&P 500 TSR of 128% – and is many multiples of Pershing’s TSR of 29%.”

What a pleasant occasion. Here I am sashaying (no homo) up the northeast corridor of the United States, amidst turmoil and tumult, and markets are collapsing. It’s like God is really looking out for me — offering me presents for being so good this year. I expect to arrive in Massachusetts soon, at which point I will parlay in Salem, MA to purchase large quantities of macrons and orange jam this delightful little French bakery in the city.

Markets are getting punched out — and for good reason. We’re gonna have another Korean War!

The NASDAQ is down 100, led lower by FAANG stocks, which are down 2.1%.

Gold and bonds are the only refuge. Presently, I have 10% of my assets in GLD/TLT and another 20% in cash. You can see why I am eager for lower prices.

Retail is literally blowing up, with larger than life losses in DDS, M and SHLD. When they die, you’ll miss them and rue the day Amazon.com was born.

On the plus side is the VIX, heavily fagged out for a long time, now rejuvenated and acting alpha.

Up 30% for the day, so far.

Both TVIX and UVXY are supposed to give investors 3x VIX, but because they’re retarded products, they’re producing less than 1x.

From the semis to solar back to your local apparel shop, everything gets blown out and stomped during nuclear war. Do not bargain with The Devil, you might not like the results.

While we wait for the war mongering pigs to foment strife and ritualistic carnage in Asia, you should be waiting for an Exodus OS signal.

As we speak, the system is oversold on its 3,6 and 12 month signals. We only wait for the 36 month to trigger, before we take action. For those deeply concerned, our track record is one of flawless victory over the past 12 months. As a point in fact, our data suggests that you should go long here, hold for 10 days, and then collect the proceeds to do as you please.

There is nothing to fear but fear itself, lads. CNN has already told you there are ways to live though the nuclear holocaust. Plus anyway, North Korea barely has Hiroshima grade weaponry. Our arsenal is so advanced, so tremendous, we can and will, quite frankly, remove N. Korea from the map. Hundreds of years from now, people will muse over the rumors of a North Korea, as they do with Atlantis today. Scientists will dig up artifacts and try to piece together the puzzle — proving it once existed.

My portfolio gained 0.27% today, thanks to NVDA, TLT and GLD.

Strength was most abundant in gold, metals and defense stocks.

Jog on.

The fake news media is in overdrive, trying to dissuade people from believing the United States’ nuclear capabilities have improved under Trump.

This morning, rather incredulously, Trump tweeted out that since he took office, our abilities have improved, measurably.

My first order as President was to renovate and modernize our nuclear arsenal. It is now far stronger and more powerful than ever before….

— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) August 9, 2017

When the truth of the matter is, according to experts, literally nothing has changed.

Prepare for a beatdown — Trumpsters.

“Nothing has changed in the seven months since he took office. The U.S. nuclear arsenal is no more or no less powerful.”
-Kingston Reif, director of disarmament and threat reduction policy at the Arms Control Association

Here’s another lashing for you Trump-bots.

“Any decision that the president were to make now, or that he took in January, would take years to implement,” Jon Wolfsthal, former National Security Council senior director for nonproliferation and arms control under Obama, told The Washington Post. “I’m very skeptical of the idea that Trump believes that he has modernized or adjusted our arsenal because there have been no visible changes to it.”

Aaron Mehta, senior Pentagon correspondent for Defense News tweeted, ” … no, the president has not done a single thing to the nuclear stockpile that wasn’t already underway.”

And here is the final nail in your coffin. These plans were underway, long before Trump. In fact, they were happening under Obama.

The modernization effort includes updating, rebuilding and developing intercontinental ballistic missiles, bombers and submarines that make up the U.S. strategic delivery system and would facilitate a nuclear strike.

Despite the Obama administration committing to renewing this so-called nuclear triad, these programs will not reach completion for a decade or more, according to Reif at the Arms Control Association.

“These are all in their infancy. These are acquisition programs that are going to take 10, 15, even 20 years to complete. The majority of them aren’t going to enter service until the mid-2020s,” he said.

He will not divide us.

Following up on last night’s broadcast from deep within a nuclear fallout shelter, CNN doubled down on their fear mongering today — offering advice to the citizens of Hawaii on how to survive on a nuclear attack.

Here are the important bullet points.

Hawaii is the first US state to prepare for nuclear attack from N. Korea.
Everyone CNN spoke to in Hawaii assumed that in the event of a nuclear attack, they’d all die. THIS IS NOT TRUE (fake news).
N. Korea possesses a nuclear bomb like the one we dropped on Hiroshima and Nagasaki — 1940s grade garbage.
Tens of thousand of people die on the initial impact, but many more died of radiation poisoning.
CNN reports Hawaiians have 15 minutes to ‘take over’ for nuclear impact, should N. Korea launch a missile towards them.
Seek shelter and find out where your local nuclear bunker is located. Oh, and have 2 weeks worth of supplies to survive the nuclear holocaust.

Utterly absurd.

I’ll be heading up north soon, on a road trip, for an undisclosed amount of time. I don’t like to drive for too many hours, so I’ll be making stops along the day — until we hit Maine. Meanwhile, the world is preparing for nuclear war. I cannot think of a more delightful thing.

Just imagine if Hillary Clinton had been elected. Why that war monger would have us in a nuclear war within one year of her Presidency.

Stocks are weak, as expected. It has little to do with Hawaii facing annihilation. We are long overdue for a sell off. The usual defensive names are outperforming, namely gold and bonds. As fate would have it, I happen to be long both.

Banks are really getting nailed today because of the MUH yield curve tightening. But really, do not place much credence into today’s sell off.

Ladies and gentlemen, this is Le Fly reporting to you live from his nuclear bomb shelter. I’ve been planning for this day all of my life. Ever since I was a baby, I knew the world would be destroyed by thermal nuclear detonations. It will be an ironic end to this perfidious way of living, with bombs raining down upon us by way of technology given to North Korea from our own government.

But enough of that. We do not have time to blame one another for misdeeds. After all, this is the end. The world is ending and you’re going to hell.

At the front of this war is the tiny island of Guam. They’ll be smoked inside 10 minutes flat. North Korea’s MIRV guided missiles will turn that paradise into a literal hell, something you might see while watching your favorite teevee show after a dragon attack.

Here’s the Congresswoman of Guam, Rep. Bordallo, chimping the fuck out on CNN. She thinks our THAAD interceptors can save her. Silly moron.

CNN is reporting LIVE from a nuclear bomb bunker in Hawaii, enlightening people to some very key pieces of information. For example, in the event of nuclear war, THERE WILL BE SURVIVORS.

‘A lot of people on this island think if they’re hit with a nuclear warhead that everyone is going to die. And the emergency folks here say THAT IS ABSOLUTELY NOT TRUE. NOT TRUE. There will be lots of survivors.’

Watch.

GOOD NEWS FOR HAWAII. CNN is reporting 'there will be LOTS OF SURVIVORS' in the event of nuclear war. Hide in caves. pic.twitter.com/CiJxEtcop6

— The_Real_Fly (@The_Real_Fly) August 9, 2017

Full clip.

This all comes in response to the President’s very real threat, saying he’d rain ‘fire, fury, and quite frankly power’ down upon the heads of N. Korea — if they so bothered to look at us sideways.

N. Korea responded, in kind, suggesting they’d turn Guam into an ashtray.

It was nice knowing all of you. I expect N. Korea’s missile guidance systems will veer off a bit, generously depositing nuclear missiles all across the US, including the Northeast corridor where I am presently domiciled. It was an honor and privilege to shit-post for you all of these years.

As for the stock market, I expect it will trade up 0.3% tomorrow on this world ending news.