iBankCoin
18 years in Wall Street, left after finding out it was all horseshit. Founder/ Master and Commander: iBankCoin, finance news and commentary from the future.
Joined Nov 10, 2007
16,545 Blog Posts

GREETINGS FROM HELL (Fly’s Vacation Edition)

I saw the market unhinged today and this evening China is telling America to fuck off, not to mess with North Korea. But I have my own issues.

Here I find myself one gazillion miles from home, in a Chevy Chase family road trip with a busted car. In preparation for this long journey, up the cock of America, I made sure to change the tires, brake pads, and rotors — just to be safe. I had the fluids changed, filters — the whole 9 yards — because I’m a careful guy and like to make sure all precautions have been made.

Lo and behold, about 5 miles to my destination, I started to smell rubber. I recall commenting to my wife, ‘gee, I like the smell of rubber.’

Little did I know, I was enjoying the smell of my own demise.

Upon entering the gates of the hotel, the car started to act fucked up, like a god damned tire iron was stuck in the tire, trying to fuck up my vacation. I got under the car, not really giving a fuck about the grease and the disgusting floor, and bore witness to a disaster of the first magnitude. I don’t know a single thing about cars. As a matter of fact, I make sure to only drive new vehicles as to avoid the issue altogether. Lucky for me, my stepfather was with me and he said ‘you were a few minutes away from this tire blowing up and killing everyone.’

Perhaps that was hyperbole, a gloomy way to describe the dire plight I found myself in. Apparently, the ball joint got loose and started rubbing against the inner tire and the fucking rims. The subsequent result from all of this nonsense is a tire that looks cooked, in spite of it being brand new, and me having to monkey around with auto mechanics tomorrow, whilst trying to enjoy a family vacation.

Fortunate for me, the Benz dealership is nearby and I can have those fuckheads tow me there, or I can wing it and try to drive this piece of shit at 5mph to their place of ill repute. I brought two vehicles with me, so worst case scenario, I’ll ditch this lemon and have my attorneys sue them for whatever he thinks is appropriate.

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15 comments

  1. C. Montgomery Burns
    C. Montgomery Burns

    Should have bought a Yaris.

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  2. Cricket

    “Benz” – ‘Nuff said.

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  3. 'merica

    Let’s hope you don’t have to put aunt Edna up on the roof.

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  4. duuude

    Get a Lexus fer Chrissake ya goof

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  5. peaches

    Mercedes Benz has not made a good car since the early 90s. They are resting on the laurels. Sort of how Madonna can release an album where she farts into a microphone, and everyone will buy it. The Chrysler merger was an experiment in learning how to sell American’s garbage as Chrysler has done for decades. Chrysler ended up winning by getting the RWD platform from the E-class for the Charger and 300C. Case in point is the CLA. Mercedes is selling a Chevy Sonic quality car for $29,999. The CLA versus a similarly priced Subaru loses in every category except making your dick look bigger.

    Lexus is the new luxury tank. The Japanese have built their car industry around building assembly lines that don’t make lemons ever.

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  6. peaches

    Sorry your car broke. Good luck.

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  7. metalleg

    How old is the Benz?

    I’ve never owned one and never will. BMW and Audi have been great for driving but not as comfortable and ergonomic as the Japanese cars. I’ve had Acura, Infiniti, and Lexus and they’ve all been excellent.

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  8. roundwego

    would Ronny regan have approve trump theatrics. Trump will beat down Kim like he did rosy odonald. He is master of mass manipulation of us zombie nation.

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  9. roundwego

    Don’t know about bombing Kim gong but Asia stock is bombing.

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