iBankCoin
18 years in Wall Street, left after finding out it was all horseshit. Founder/ Master and Commander: iBankCoin, finance news and commentary from the future.
Joined Nov 10, 2007
16,863 Blog Posts

PANIC: CNN REPORTS FROM BUNKER, AS AMERICA PREPARES FOR NUCLEAR WAR WITH N. KOREA

Ladies and gentlemen, this is Le Fly reporting to you live from his nuclear bomb shelter. I’ve been planning for this day all of my life. Ever since I was a baby, I knew the world would be destroyed by thermal nuclear detonations. It will be an ironic end to this perfidious way of living, with bombs raining down upon us by way of technology given to North Korea from our own government.

But enough of that. We do not have time to blame one another for misdeeds. After all, this is the end. The world is ending and you’re going to hell.

At the front of this war is the tiny island of Guam. They’ll be smoked inside 10 minutes flat. North Korea’s MIRV guided missiles will turn that paradise into a literal hell, something you might see while watching your favorite teevee show after a dragon attack.

Here’s the Congresswoman of Guam, Rep. Bordallo, chimping the fuck out on CNN. She thinks our THAAD interceptors can save her. Silly moron.

CNN is reporting LIVE from a nuclear bomb bunker in Hawaii, enlightening people to some very key pieces of information. For example, in the event of nuclear war, THERE WILL BE SURVIVORS.

‘A lot of people on this island think if they’re hit with a nuclear warhead that everyone is going to die. And the emergency folks here say THAT IS ABSOLUTELY NOT TRUE. NOT TRUE. There will be lots of survivors.’

Watch.

Full clip.

This all comes in response to the President’s very real threat, saying he’d rain ‘fire, fury, and quite frankly power’ down upon the heads of N. Korea — if they so bothered to look at us sideways.

N. Korea responded, in kind, suggesting they’d turn Guam into an ashtray.

It was nice knowing all of you. I expect N. Korea’s missile guidance systems will veer off a bit, generously depositing nuclear missiles all across the US, including the Northeast corridor where I am presently domiciled. It was an honor and privilege to shit-post for you all of these years.

As for the stock market, I expect it will trade up 0.3% tomorrow on this world ending news.

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29 comments

  1. metalleg

    I’m on a plane headed for NY as I pen this. Should I demand that the pilot to turn around and head to Mexico? I don’t want to die!!!!!!

    PS: Love the .gif

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    • Cricket

      If Mexico tell the pilot to watch out for the wall – it may not be on the maps yet.

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  2. ironbird

    Like clockwork. They will indeed. Take a shit and starting eating it. Who would have thunk it.

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  3. bintercorp

    That bunker CNN is reporting from is Podesta’s “Hot Dog stand in Hawaii”. Has a supply of ready to eat pizza to survive any length of time underground.

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  4. Cricket

    Between a rock and a hard place. Nuclear annihilation or BTC to $500,000.

    The head of the US Pacific fleet is a Japanese American which is good because Asians are in the high IQ category according to the Google Manifesto.

    Seriously though, it’s not Kim’s single nuclear warhead that is the issue, it’s his tens of thousands of conventional artillery.

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  5. wolfdaddy

    Everyone remember to buy that am dip!

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  6. sarcrilege

    This is CNN, the beacon of non-fake news reporting. Right?
    Come on ladies, this is laughable.

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  7. probucks

    God Damnit I’m too young to die!

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  8. Dr. Fly

    NIKKEI -1.62%

    IT’S HAPPENING

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  9. fxtradepro

    If the world’s going to end, my stocks might as well trade higher.

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  10. The Other Good Doctor
    The Other Good Doctor

    And in other news, Hawaii reports a 80% decline in tourism for 2017. Thanks CNN.

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  11. Cricket

    That CNN chick is scary. I heard that Alex Jones, in his latest promotion offering, will be giving away free portable caves with every order of Strawberry Caveman + Alexapure Water Filters – for those precious bodily fluids.

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  12. stockslueth

    Remember if any soda machines are damaged North Korea will have to answer to the Coca Cola Corporation.

    And the market will rally.

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  13. zola

    Thank you for all your posts!! Total awesomeness!! But I am not really worried. The Orange Julius tax on Chinese Aluminum foil should save the domestic industry, and assure a steady supply of unsullied AMERICAN foil for the continued alufoil hat industry. Make America Foiled Today!! Protect us from CNN and Alien Space Radiation!!

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  14. uglyflint

    A nice clean Neutron Bomb on the palace and we can all get back to bidding on tvix.

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  15. doji

    Excellent distraction from The Russian Thing.

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  16. Cricket

    Uh Oh. While Trump cleverly used 4D multiverse chess moves to distract us and to fool the honest, truth telling CNN, he has doomed us all to fry and die by officially withdrawing from the the Paris Climate Accord on August 4. Either by nuclear fission or global warming – it was nice knowing you. Its finally over. Our future:

    “The Day the Earth Caught Fire” (1961).

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  17. bushwacker2

    Oh great. My portfolio is up 31% YTD, I’ve made 9X on bitcoin in 3 years, and the world is coming to an end? I will personally fly to N Korea and punch a hole in that fat kimchee eaters soul! This is bullshit.

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  18. traderconfessions
    traderconfessions

    My nephew recently bought a 1960’s house in Bethesda, MD that has a bomb shelter. Might have to visit him shortly to reserve a spot. Long SPAM.

    Seriously, does anyone now doubt that Trump is clueless? Give him some warm milk, a nice putter, some good porn, and send him to Mar-A-Lago where he can’t hurt anyone.

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  19. traderconfessions
    traderconfessions

    Oh… it’s God’s will… then never mind.. Praise Jesus.

    http://www.toddstarnes.com/column/jeffress-god-has-given-trump-authority-to-take-out-kim-jong-un

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    • ferd

      Happily with Trump, unlike with lil Bush, we can be pretty confident that he doesn’t believe in megachurch snake handlers.

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  20. roundwego

    yet euro down and dollar up. daily is reversing.

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  21. bottom_feeder

    Wait what? I thought we were all going to die from climate change. I just bought a boat from the pending Lake Michigan flood that will sink the mid-west. I guess I can just flip it over and hide underneath.

    I guess ammo prices will start rising again.

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  22. fryguy15

    BTFD on Guam vacation packages.

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  23. ericbakerbruce

    And……BOOM

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