OFF TO SEE ABOUT SOME KALE

This started out as a little man’s rally, small penis, flaccid, forked, fucked, radish. But now, as you can readily see, the city square is populated with all of its finest people to bear witness to the new DICKCHOPPER 5000 guillotines, removing men from their anatomy because they were short the market.

I am pressing gains of 1.3%, despite having a large cash position. But I haven’t been sitting, idle. I’ll have you know that I bought ANAC today, in decent size. And, for the love of kale juice and collared green milk shakes, I added to my WFM position. This is a 13 point average up; but I like my chances here with WFM heading into the gluttonous months of the year.

I am going to have a profound effect on your net worths, if you’d just shut the fuck up and pay attention, and bend the knee (extra Stannis, the one and only true king–by law).

I started a position in ANAC, oversold biotech into a meltup.

How many times have we seen the market or a specific sector get lit up, everyone plant flags in it, saying it’s dead, only to see a miraculous revival?

Back in December everyone was bearish on oil. Had you gone long then, you made 50% on your money. Over the past month, oil is up 25%. Whether oil goes up from here is immaterial. What’s important to note is the market’s resilience in the face of horrifying tragedy.

So now the question is, what’s next?

Well, if you misers had a subscription to the single best market intelligence platform, otherwise known as Exodus, you’d know the answers. I’ll give you a freebie.

When oil was going down, what was going up? Grocery stocks.

Stocks like WFM, SVU and KR were hitting new highs. Since then, they’ve corrected (Extra Delbert Grady), leaving short term traders in tatters, in the street naked, looking for their mothers.

Homebuilders have gotten AC-10 Gunship’d over the past month, with names like RYL, WLH, HOV and PHM down more than 15%. In an environment where the dollar reigns supreme, US employment and wage growth are bullish, it makes no sense for the property market to be this weak.

These are just two instances of industries under pressure that might prove to be profitable for adventurous and entrepreneurial dip buyers.

All that aside, markets look strong today, like Borat.

Top picks: AGIO, FINL, N

YELP, TWTR and LNKD are completely fucked. The only social media stock that did well post earnings is ANGI. Isn’t that a riot? Unlike FB, these companies are immature child-like nerds, unable to close deals.

YELP’s business model has morphed from a cool and hip resource for foodies to a Tony Soprano styled mafia extortion ring.

TWTR is being run by a fucking misfit moron, who should spend far less time at his gym and on the fucking phones trying to close deals.

And lastly, we have LNKD, a former darling of the space who just got clown-raped for losing control of their business. They mentioned a number of reasons as to why they sucked, most of which pertaining to not being able to close deals. They’ve responded to a shitty sales force by aggressively hiring new shitty salesmen. It’s hilarious, really.

Truth be told, these companies aren’t profit oriented, so their culture is one of a corrupt, vagabond, hipster, dipshit, motherfucker.

I have millions in cash, yet I still found myself down more than 2% for the day. I know what you’re thinking: what’s 2% for a Space Alien Magician like you (SAM)? Well, I will tell you what it means to me.

IT’S YOUR ENTIRE NET WORTH COMPILED OVER 10,000 LIFE TIMES.

Look, I don’t have the time for this sort of shit. I want my bull market and I want it now, otherwise Le Fly is going to Romania this time and he isn’t coming back.

Naturally, and as you well know, I will sit back and smoke my pipe, blowing embers into your faces, as I wait for Exodus to launch its first oversold signal. You’d have to be a complete fucking idiot to not bend the knee to the amazing abilities of my robotic brain, having timed the market bottoms to the exact day, at an 84% win rate, since 2008.

I digress, I really do.

Life isn’t supposed to be this hard, lads. We were born to live a life of extreme carelessness and decadence, partake in hedonistic adventures, and generally not give a fuck. THIS WILL NOT STAND. I hereby demand MOAR quantitative easing and a return to grace for holders of equities.

Be patient and bide your time. EXODUS is your friend.

For the record, I feel that any man past the age of 30 wearing sneakers, let alone collecting them, definitely suffers from an acute mental disorder. There comes a point in a persons life when he/she must make a decision. The choice is simple.

Do I continue to live my life like a cheesed doodled face bedraggled microbe, clad in clown-ware?

Or, should I comport myself with a modicum of decency, integrity, and a higher decorum?

Having said that, I am a citizen of a country whose inhabitants relish the inane, watch pornography throughout the work week, and kill each other for moronic footwear.

“The Fly” doesn’t melt when things get hot. He’s not a fucking snowman, despite being cool as shit. I sold out of ONCE, booking a two day +12% gain. With half of the proceeds, I started a position in FINL, in an attempt to profit from the rising murder rate, in and around retailers of Air’d Jordan sneakers.

Cash is heavy, so don’t fuck with me. I’ll murder you, whether you have stupid sneakers on or not.

You’ve got to be fucking kidding me, right? Just yesterday I was greeted to a most horrific earnings reaction with SAVE. So, like any gent with reason would do, I sold it down and out and then reallocated into a sundry of proper stocks.

The results are in and I am clown raped, skewered and shin kicked, long TEX and AGIO into decapitation.

TEX disappointed in an earnings call gone awry. AGIO was downgraded by a fifth rate boutique firm. This is all having a profound effect on yours truly, sitting here long bad stocks in what can only be described as the omega of our little stock market rally.

On a more pleasant note, my year to date gains are bountiful (+17%) and I’ve built up a large cash position. Oh, by the way, I own HAR too.

FUCK MY LIFE.

The market threw me off kilter this morning, with SAVE knifing lower. Very calmly, I FUCKING LIQUIDATED THE POSITION AND PUNCHED HOLES INTO MY SHEET ROCK, and then I reallocated into gentlemen stocks.

I bought more AGIO, very pleasantly.

I then, ever so gingerly, purchased some TEX. Thank you very much.

And then I placed the cherry atop the strawberried shorted cake and bought N, without a worry in the world.

As this occurred, death, mayhem and also torture occurred around me. Most people were blinded by their losses today, but not I.

In the year of “The Fly”, which is now, one cannot lament over losses and transient victories. We are interested in the bigger picture.

Speaking of which, I know where all of you live and dine. I expect all of you to join the ranks of Exodus today. That doesn’t mean tomorrow and whenever the fuck you are good and ready for it. I spent half a decade building this thing for you, priced it to scale, and now I expect, as good citizens of iBankCoin, for you to pay your respects by paying homage through monetary expense.

Good day to you.

If this deal goes through, I can guarantee you it will ignite a consolidation frenzy in software. Most of the time I do not react so quickly to buyouts, since most of them are company specific. However, in this particular case, I own N from lower prices and loved their last earnings report. The stock sold off for retarded reasons. They’ve been on Larry Ellison’s “buy the fuck out when I’m good and ready” list for almost a decade.

Should CRM get acquired, N will jump and jump hard, well over $100.

Needless to say, I added to my position here.

I am quickly devolving into a biotech pinless hand grenade juggler. This is going to end well, indeud.

I added to AGIO, making it my largest position. I am still very cash heavy for dollars earmarked for trading.

NOTE: EXODUS is live.