More Fucking Chutes

I haven’t cursed in a headline since the day I was born, in 1976. But this market has me pissed the fuck off, Iranian without nukes mad because Israel is having all the fun. I’m so very happy that our empire has aligned itself with Iran. It seems like the perfect fit. Our Ayotola (sp?) and theirs have so much in common.

Ever since we elected our first muslim Manchurian candidate, a true citizen of the world and Kenya, our foreign policy has been straight fire. Look at all of the friends we’re making abroad. The French love us again and the Asians are super-friendly with us, especially online. Let’s not even talk about how cool we are with Russia and the towel washers in Afghanistan.

Stocks are plunging from their intra-day highs and everything is turning to shit. A good rally can still be detected in several areas of the market, remote to most humans who play this game with vigor. Nevertheless, it’s still early, right? Anything could happen (rolls eyes and then vomits onto rug).

I’ve added to my ONCE position, out of pure reflex. So far, that move has been 100% wrong.

Moving on, my 1.35% gain has all but vanished. I am now flat for the day, desperately hoping for something tragic to befall all of the short sellers who harangue me with their positions.

In order for Le Fly to be pleased, CYBR and CRM must rally like mad. The winds of war must sweep them into their vortex and thrust them upon the market, like a brazen bull whose inhabitants suffer greatly because they bet against them. What else am I supposed to do, other than wish horrible things for the people who threaten my person with extinction?

In another blog, I mentioned I’d discuss my daily diet. Look you, I’m not Arnold and do not consider myself to be a model citizen of fitness. However, I am in good condition and harbor very little body fat.

Here is a typical day for me, diet wise.

Breakfast: greek yogurt, coffee (black as hell, spanish roast). Sometimes I partake in eggs, rarely any panned cakes or lots of potatoes.

Snack: more coffee, sometimes latte.

Lunch: Tuna’d fish sandwich (fuck you, I eat bread). Or perhaps I will eat grilled salmon or maybe some lunch meat (roasted beef is my favorite).

Snack: more greek yogurt

Dinner: steaks, chickens, yams, fish, sometimes a little potato of the baked varietal, grilled veggies. I drink copious amounts of wine, rarely beer.

I don’t ingest creatine at this time because it requires that I drink lots of water. I don’t feel like having to urinate all day long, like a dog, just so that I could lift an extra 50lbs at the bench. Also, whey protein is something I’ve been avoiding, as of late, due to its shitty digestive properties. I’ve come to grips with the fact that I am not a body builder and couldn’t give two shits about deadlifting 500 pounds.

“The Fly” can punch a hole straight through your face, without the help from HGH injections and stupid diets that detract from the grandeur of life. I eat clean and protein heavy, around 2,000-3,000 calories per day, maintaining the same weight for more than a year, deviating no more than 5 lbs at a clip.

First, I’d like to preface this blog by saying that I am up 1.35% for the day. Almost every stock in my portfolio is punching Blustar in his Hawaiian face, but one. That one stock just so happens to be my top biotech holding, a stock that I made 18% the last go around and was up 7% on before today’s blood-letting.

The name of the ticker is ONCE.

An interesting name, suggestive of a singular occurrence. My experience with this shitful company is multi-faceted. The stock is down because the company used certain words in their earnings report. See, nothing really happened, since they are pre-revenue and have nothing to sell. Their drugs weren’t declined or delayed; and their data wasn’t poor. The stock is merely down because, well, biotech is a sick bastard game of chutes and ladders.

You climb all the way up, sweating like a beast to get to the top, only to be expeditiously dropped, like a fucking anvil in a cartoon, down a chute into the black abyss.

With today’s drop, I am merely down a little more than 5% from my basis. As a point in fact, this is a great buying opportunity for yours truly. But I wanted to focus on something else now, which is the fucked up nature of dealing with earnings season.

No one is safe. All of your positions are at risk from the chute. One second you’re as happy as a clam. The next, you’re being shucked and swallowed whole, adorned with hot sauce and copious amounts of lemon.

“The Fly” is partaking, if you will, in summer debauchery. He is not available to hold your hand through every miscue. Men in the northeast corridor of the United States value their summers because they know they’re fleeting, unlike you heathen from down south and out west. Men of the north partake, if you will, in a leisurely life because we won the civil war and are entitled to enjoy the fruits of our labor, only during the summer of course.

Texas is being led into depression. Their landscape is littered with guys like this, morons who eat bacon from machine guns. The vast majority of oil stocks are down over 50%, since March. Oil isn’t coming back any time soon, neither is copper, natural gas or fucking rice.

Jim Rogers is without bow’d tie.

But eggs are going higher, thanks to the avian flu. Get your CALM shares for the banana run towards the $6 egg.

I bought GG today, in order to gain exposure to gold. I am not a fan of gold, so understand this is just a trade. The month of August is a fine one for the yellow metal. Risk appears to be waning and everyone is retarded, so now might be as good a time as ever to make some money off gold.

Stay away from oil. They haven’t bottomed yet and most will disappear (extra David Copperfield) and take the entire state of Texas with them.

I’m glad that I sold AAPL north of $130 before earnings. Now that everyone hates it again, I might add to my position.

This is a market for old men, led by banks, wheeled chair stocks and the medicine man reigns supreme. All of your hi-tech, silicon valley ideas are rapish. None of your plans are working out because the market only respects the bottom line, or the absurd. Companies stuck in the middle, like YELP, TWTR, LNKD, are hated because they can never fill their big ass shoes. Their feet are too small.

Le Fly has the biggest feet you’ve ever seen and he’ll mud stomp you for less than a sideways glance.

I was up 0.25% for the day, on a day off galavanting about town in search of leisure.

This is fucking depressing. I got my watchlist out and swinging low and no balls to execute a trade. The risk appetite in this market blows and nothing is lining up for me. QLYS is smoking shorts, EZ Wide style, fast and hot, which bodes well for my CYBR. But it’s barely up a buck. Give me a fucking break.

I have a few biotech names that I want to own too. But that problem with that is the asinine valuations of pre-revenue ventures, coupled with the mood of the market right now. If I am not careful, I am liable to get my fucking head blow clean off.

The only safe thing for me to do is to chill out and drink barrels of coffee, while the market dicks all of you. I can simply bide my time, if you will, and attempt to purchase one of your famous margin liquidations, which is always a treat. No?

Please do not contact me via email or Twitter. Also, if you’re coming to the 2nd Annual iBankCoin Investors Conference, or the VIP after-party, DO NOT try to figure out who I am. I will have eyes and ears everywhere. People have been killed for less.

For now, biotech and banks are leading the way to, umm, fucking nowhere. But they’re strong and virile.

TWTR and the silicon valley crew got poleaxed today. The programmers over in the valley must feel uneasy after today, sort of like High School gym class all over again. The footballs are ricocheting off their heads, as Fred Wilson picks their pockets clean, kicking them into and about idle sewer pipes populated by hungry alligators.

These lads do not posses the survival skills to last long. Therefore, there must be a bounce, some sort of respite, coming for them soon. I predict tomorrow to be such a day, as it is written inside of the scriptures taken from the future, via my time machine.

My largest position CYBR got smoked today and everything is dark, gloomy and shitful. Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day, else I will need to accelerate the manner in which I raise cash and run for the hills.

Thank God I sold VDSI on Friday.

Drugs are doing just fine today. Stocks like GILD, JAZZ, CMRX, PTLA, OPHT, CEMP etc. We are going to cure cancer, the aids, even sleep.

Lads, bid these motherfuckers up until 50x sales, then take a short siesta under a lazy as shit tree. Eat some cheese and grapes, then wash it down with wine. After you’re done inebriating yourself, tell your boss to “fuck off”, then buy more drugs. You can sustain yourselves, extravagant lifestyles and the like, simply by relying upon the stewards, mind you, at the FDA to pass debilitating drugs onto on unsuspecting public.

As onerous as these drugs might be, the capital gains you will make will more than make up for the outlier events, sudden heart attacks, blindness or strokes caused by penis erection pills.

‘Tis is a bad day. I am not a happy man right now and should find other things to do with my time than fuck with you. But do some drugs, for God’s sake, and leave me alone.

Top pick: ONCE

This morning looked promising. Ever since then, we’ve been presented with the black flag. This is full blown fucktard trading action, pinless hand grenades leaving men strewn out across lawns bleeding out, limbless and without dick.

We are supposed to come to work and enjoy it. Stocks should trade higher and our clients should shower us with gifts of gratitude. Instead, we are wheeled into our offices inside of coffins and asked to rise from the dead to cold call to find new investors for our wares. Our banks are very busy, indeud, coming out with financing deals, all of which pay us handsome gratuities/concessions.

In other news, Fred Wilson is not a fan of Apple, but loves Twitter.

Is it because the stock is down? We all TWTR; therefore, someone will buy them…eventually?

Yeah everyone used AOL and look where that went before coming public again, then getting bought out for a sick premium.

This version of the dot com bubble sucks. None of us got to make money, I mean real money, on the hype. All of the fuck you money was made in private markets and we got the fucking leftovers, the joys of ZNGA-GRPN-YELP on the other side of the mountain.

The greedy little VCs kept these companies private, hyped their valuations to absurd levels, then got liquid on us.

TWTR is still trading 13x sales, a crazy premium for a company with hardly any growth.

I own TWTR from higher levels, but never thought it was cheap. I am holding long term and will buy the shares when everyone else wants to vomit theirs.

This fucker is heading for a 2 handle, no doubt.

The market knows all, at least when it comes to valuing high growth/profitable companies. Hedge funds employ the smartest men in the world, utilizing the best tools, in order to find these companies worth investing in. For the layman, like yourselves, it’s very hard to find “the next apple”. Often times you are prevented from buying future big winners because of valuation concerns. Some stocks, like AMZN and NFLX, stay expensive and rarely go down. When they do go down, everyone hates them and wishes their ultimate demise.

The true bosses will step in when no one wants them and take a long term position.

What is the formula for the layman to find “a future big winner?” Believe it or not, the criteria is rather narrow.

1. Pre-revenue dreamers: these are concept stocks, like biotech or fucking idiot technology, that will never, ever see the light of day–bid up by morons in a never-ending race towards hedonism–fueled by substance abuse. Whether these stocks make it or not is immaterial, as long as you can get out before the hype wanes.

2. Small capped shit: these are companies too small for that fucking lunatic (choose from the litter: Ackman, S.A. Cohen, Tepper) to buy because, well, they’re too fucking small. This is a good thing for you, the disheveled homeless guy with an E-Trade account. You can mosey your way into one of these fuckers and make a billion dollars, or not. Odds are, you’ll blow the fuck up in fantastically gay fashion. But maybe you won’t. But you probably will.

3. Pre-IPO/Private Equity, Venture Capital pyramid schemes: Maybe you have a contact at Union Square Ventures or fashion yourself to be an expert in social media, segueing your person into the inner-circles of Silicon Valley in a serious effort to rip off fucked faces from Morgan Stanley’s IPO whore department? Yes, indeed. This entails investing in cool tech/shit before regular people and enjoying the ride as Union Square and friends jack up the fucking valuation of your investment to 10,000x sales, and then getting liquid on stupid ass stock brokers at Morgan Stanley, gutting them in a widely acclaimed IPO, promoted by catamites at CNBC. If you don’t know Fred Wilson, odds are you will never, ever get to rip off brokers at Morgan Stanley.

4. Distressed shit: Did you buy NFLX at $60, perhaps? I know that I did. This is one of the few ways the smart layman can brain power his kick-ass self into riches. Find shit to invest in that no one else wants and then watch sentiment turn from sour to sweet, as you kick short sellers in the nuts, all the way to the fucking bank…jank.

5. Traditional investment in free cash flow/ high valuation crap shoots: What the fuck is the difference between PANW and FEYE? I have no fucking idea, other than the fact that I bought one at $80 and rode it down to $45 and another at $80 and rode it up to $200. Growth appears to be the same and the industry appears to be doing well. I’ve resigned myself to the wanton idea that these high valuation winners are merely powerball plays of Wall Street, random careening stocks that intermittently cascade on occasion, in order to fuck the layman from the spoils of capitalism. This is, by far, the hardest way to get a big winner–because of the whack-a-mole nature of investing in high valuation, fashionable, plays.

I will be dedicating my research towards finding potential big winners. Unfortunately, I am not colleagues with Fred Wilson, so I will need to resort to olde fashioned luck and intellect to mark my path of glory.

Stay tuned.

I love biopics. This is one of the best ever, starring George C. Scott as General Patton. The opening scene of this movie is often regarded as one of the best monologues in film history. This is a long film, almost 3 hours, and Scott did an unbelievable job portraying Patton.

I highly recommend this movie.

Fun fact: Scott was a raging alcoholic, picked up during his marine days when guarding Arlington Cemetery. He was also married 5 times and had 6 children and is fucking buried in an unmarked grave.

Most importantly, George C. Scott warned the Academy Awards to not nominate him for best actor; for if he won, he’d refuse it on “philosophical grounds.” Despite his warning, the academy awarded Scott for best actor and he indeed denied to accept it. He was the first actor to ever decline an academy award.