18 years in Wall Street, left after finding out it was all horseshit. Founder/ Master and Commander: iBankCoin, finance news and commentary from the future.
Joined Nov 10, 2007
19,772 Blog Posts

Happy 4th — Time to Get Drunk and Fat

I was in NYC last night doing pizza reviews with the fam and an old friend. Joe and Pat’s on E.12th and 1st avenue blew Sauce out of the fucking swimming pool. Plus, at Joe and Pat’s — you can have beer and that got me warmed up for today’s degeneracy.

What am I planning to do today?

Several things. You have to understand, I am “The Fly” and you’re just readers — so the things that I do here will vary much differently from what you’re going to do. For example, most of you will probably drink some swill, light a few fire bombs, and fall asleep in front of the teevee, sloppily and fat.

I intend to thoroughly clean my house from basement to the fucking attic again. You have to understand, this is my life now with the house being for sale and all. The house must be in tip top shape at all times. All fucking times. At any given moment someone can request a showing and I have to file everyone the fuck out of here and pray to God they’ll buy the house — so that I can finally become a southern gentleman and get the hell out of here.

That’s number one.

Number two, I’m going to drink a lot. But I’m not drinking swill. I’m drinking Chimay, good, quality, European, Belgian European, beer. I’m sure most of you don’t know what I’m talking about and I don’t expect you to. That shit is expensive at $15 per bottle and it would relegate most into the poorhouse.

Number three, I’m going to BBQ a lot. I’m making burgers and brats. But not just ordinary brats. We have a place nearby called Brick Farms and they slaughter their own animals and turn them into sausages. We’ll be eating that and high quality, grass fed, burgers. I will top them off with provolone, also from Brick Farms, where they milk their own cows and turn that shit into cheese.

Number four, I will light a lot of fireworks. Since the explosive bombs are illegal here, I’ll be lighting colorful pussy shit. I know some of you are intent on blowing off your fingers or searing off your eyebrows with errant mortar shells to the face. “The Fly” doesn’t do shit like that. I’m too important and valuable to end up in jail or without fingers. Otherwise, how would I type blogs?

Number five, clean up and bathe and go to sleep at a decent time. If you want to be productive, you can’t stay up all night. Cut the shit out already, you’re not a teenager anymore. Go to sleep and wake up with the fucking roosters.

All in all, it should be a great night. We’re going to celebrate America and all of her fucking glory, whether that bothers the neighbors or not. This is our day to shine and act like fucking assholes, get drunk, fat — but in a distinguished way.


NOTE: I’m thinking about starting a podcast titled “The Final Fucking Hour” — discussing markets and events from 3-4pm daily. Thoughts?

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REPOST: An Un-Gentleman’s Guide to Fourth of July

July 4th is a day for white trash to bask in their undignified glory. For those of you living that sort of lifestyle, oblivious to how one might throw a proper white trash 4th of July party, “The Fly” is here to help. With the assistance of my readership, as well as many other people who I’ve met growing up in Brooklyn, this is your “how-to” guide on having an ‘un-gentlemanly” Independence Day.

When you wake up in the afternoon, after a solid night of drunken debauchery, you should feed the children something sugary, like Captain Crunch cereal and/or frozen panned cakes (extra syrup).

Now that your parenting for the day is done, you can prepare for the 4th of July BBQ and drinking extravaganza!

Head on over to the local liquor store and buy a few kegs of beer, several bottles of Jack Daniels and a whole lot of cases of budweiser (CANS ONLY!!!).

After hauling in your treasure, prepare the old charcoal BBQ by spraying massive doses of lighter fluids on it. Have the kids throw things at the flames and play with the fire. Prepare to welcome some of your guests.

After your guest walks through the open screen door, welcome them by saying “what’s up bro” or “yo, man, have a bud”, then carelessly throw a frozen aluminum can of budwesier at him. Every once in awhile you will errantly strike his girlfriend in the head/face with it, so have an extra frozen can aside for the purposes of suppressing swollen bumps about the face and head.

As the party progresses, it’s time to serve your guests of dishonor food. Grab some styrofoam plates and slap a few hotted dogs on them, preferably with bun. If, by chance, you do not have buns, as they weren’t within your budget, feel free to use Wonder Bread as a substitute. Some people actually prefer good olde fashioned white bread anyways. Be sure to douse all hotted dogs with copious amounts of generic ketchup.

As the day drifts on, and the beer cans begin to pile up around the house and yard, ask the children to pick up the cans and place them into the giant black garbage bag that you have hanging off the side of your metal fence. The kid who picks up the most cans of bud gets to drink a can of their own!


You and your friends should now head on over to the front of the house to light some fireworks. It’s important that 90% of your fireworks be of the deafening loud, explosive, variety and not that “color crap.” You will light all fireworks with a lit cigarette butt and be sure to let the children light and toss M-80’s too, as it is their right of passage to do so.

After the fireworks, the real party begins. Parenting is over and has been over since breakfast, so feel free to let the kids roam off into the woods or nearby junkyard for a little childhood curiosity. You and your friends will begin, in earnest, drinking excessive quantities of Jack Daniels, while decrying how “fucked up” this country has become, especially honing in on the immigration issue and how people who don’t speak english should be deported and/or killed.

After 1am is the witching hour. By now, you and your guests should be comfortably buzzed. But it’s time to take it to the next level. Marijuana filled “joints” should be passed around at this time and a side table filled with lines of cocaine should be displayed, for all those interested. Shots of tequila with slices of lemon are appropriate chasers after “partying”, so be sure to have that in stock.

By 3am, 70% of your guests will be asleep (including the children), strewn out across the yard and furniture. Now would be an excellent time to partake in a little innocent adultery. Anything that transpires now is subject to denial and is easily excused, as everyone was “so wasted” that he or she could barely remember what happened.

By 11am on July 5th, most of your guests have woken up and should be asking for coffee. DO NOT PROVIDE THEM WITH COFFEE. By failing to provide them with coffee, they will be forced to leave your residence and find it elsewhere.

The party is now over. It’s now time for you and the kids to clean up the vomit and bottles of Jack Daniels and prepare for the hangover to come.

FUN TIP: Storing beer in aluminum trash cans is good, but getting rid of the water can be a hassle. ENTER BATH TUB.
Bathtub o'beer

This is a repost from 2014.

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Less Impressed By Gold Than Bitcoins

I thought gold was going to skyrocket today — but it’s kind of a disappointment. I knew in my guts this shit would happen, which is why I didn’t want to talk too much shit last night. That’s how it works — doesn’t it? Big overnight move dissipates into a puddle of piss by morning and everyone shits their pantaloons.

I’m fucking sneezing nonstop this morning. I hate allergy season.

Big move in Bitcoins now, firmly over $11,000. Markets have that July 4th sleepy vibe. Absolutely no one is coming to see my fucking house — because of the holiday. I can’t give away this fucking house — after endless upgrades. Fuck this shit. Most of my stocks are doing dick and now I have to figure out if I want to buy a bunch of new stuff or stick with what I have.

Anyway — lots of things to look at now, but BTC is definitely impressive and gold…not so much.

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Trump Nominates Gold Bug to Fed Board; Gold Snaps Dicks Off to the Upside

This is the moment those filthy gold insects have been waiting for — one of their own seizing the Federal Reserve and slapping America back to sober with the gold standard. Trump has nominated Judy Shelton to the Fed board, someone who penned the blasphemous booked titled “Money Meltdown”. And I quote: “Central bankers, and their defenders, have proven less than omniscient.”

Her recent WSJ Oped:

Since President Trump announced his intention to nominate Herman Cain and Stephen Moore to serve on the Federal Reserve’s board of governors, mainstream commentators have made a point of dismissing anyone sympathetic to a gold standard as crankish or unqualified.

But it is wholly legitimate, and entirely prudent, to question the infallibility of the Federal Reserve in calibrating the money supply to the needs of the economy. No other government institution had more influence over the creation of money and credit in the lead-up to the devastating 2008 global meltdown. And the Fed’s response to the meltdown may have exacerbated the damage by lowering the incentive for banks to fund private-sector growth.

What began as an emergency decision in the wake of the financial crisis to pay interest to commercial banks on excess reserves has become the Fed’s main mechanism for conducting monetary policy. To raise interest rates, the Fed increases the rate it pays banks to keep their $1.5 trillion in excess reserves—eight times what is required—parked in accounts at Federal Reserve district banks. Rewarding banks for holding excess reserves in sterile depository accounts at the Fed rather than making loans to the public does not help create business or spur job creation.

Meanwhile, for all the talk of a “rules-based” system for international trade, there are no rules when it comes to ensuring a level monetary playing field. The classical gold standard established an international benchmark for currency values, consistent with free-trade principles. Today’s arrangements permit governments to manipulate their currencies to gain an export advantage.

Money is meant to serve as a reliable unit of account and store of value across borders and through time. It’s entirely reasonable to ask whether this might be better assured by linking the supply of money and credit to gold or some other reference point as opposed to relying on the judgment of a dozen or so monetary officials meeting eight times a year to set interest rates. A linked system could allow currency convertibility by individuals (as under a gold standard) or foreign central banks (as under Bretton Woods). Either way, it could redress inflationary pressures.

Here’s Dr. Shelton discussing treasury debt instrument with a gold convertibility feature — aka FUCKING GOLD STANDARD. Holy fucking shit. Watch that clip I linked.

Gold is on the cusp of a massive breakout. It’s gonna happen this year, believe me.

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Look at me.

I am an expert in crypto-currencies. You will never find someone more versed than me in crypto. After thorough and intense analysis, I’ve come to the conclusion that BTC has bottomed from its recent sell off and is now poised, poised mind you, to get back to 20,000.

If this shit doesn’t happen, mark my words, I will saw off both my fucking arms on live television. To play this, I bought a popular crypto related stock. Do the math and solve the fucking puzzle.

I just kicked out SLCA, a stock that I thought would make me coin yesterday, for a 5% loss. I’m fucking done with oil until fall. And I bought another gold miner today — because that shit is about to fly off the handle.

Trust me, I am a foremost expert in the metals markets and know more about gold in my little finger than your entire brain.

With love,

Go fuck yourselves.

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Time To Get Old Man’d Up Fuckers

Listen to me.

Inflation is soon to run rampant in America and missiles flying everywhere. You won’t be able to dodge the damned things — just get bombed the fuck out. You might as well come to grips with the fact that I was right, once again, and you were wrong.

Old man value stocks is where it’s at. You don’t need to do rezearch or ask friend or your fuckhead financial advisors about it either. Trust me, I am a Doctor.

Value stocks, fuckers.

I’ve been long TR for a long time and I have a bunch of other shit in my portfolio. Just look for low growth, high divvy stocks that are up today, with big market caps, and allocate. You hear me you fucking faggots? ALLOCATE.

Sure, you can have some growth sprinkled in there and make a great big fucking fuss about it too. But at the end of the day, as much as it pains you to admit it — you haven’t a fucking clue what you’re doing.


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Longest Economic Expansion Ever

I bet you thought this economic expansion would fail following the 2008 crisis. Most people back then were convinced the fucking world was about to implode and now here we are, sitting fat and sturdy at the top of the mountain — pissing down on the world.

Longest economic expansion ever, faggots. Take that losers.

The U.S. is officially in its longest expansion, breaking the record of 120 months of economic growth from March 1991 to March 2001, according to the National Bureau of Economic Research.

Starting in June of 2009, this record-setting run saw GDP growing cumulatively by 25%, far slower than previous expansions.

While the unemployment rate has dropped to 3.6% in May, the lowest since 1969, job growth has been relatively slower than during other post-war recoveries.

This generation will be known for economic growth, brought on by the invention of the internet. Everything else about this era will fade away — but that’ll stick. Five hundred years from now they’ll teach kids about the early years of the internet and how it produced unmatched economic growth, with ever even mentioning Dr. Benjamin Bernanke and the Federal Reserve jimmy-rigging shit through money creation and low interest rates. History is written by the victors.

Happy Tuesday, fucked faces.

UPDATE: Betsy Ross and her stupid flag were racists!

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Bears Are Gonna Get Curb Stomped Tomorrow

This was a classic bear trap day. They threw out some divergences, made some shit go lower, made some other shit that wasn’t supposed to go lower go higher — and BAM! a fresh crop of bearish fucktards were born.

I’m thoroughly convinced that this part of the simulation is based purely on random fun. Some Wizard of Oz character behind the curtain at Goldman fucking with prices just to ensnare some people and ruin them for sport. It’s easy to get caught up in your own shit and think ‘oh, shit, I was put on this earth because I am special and all I have to do is work real hard and I’ll get rich too.’

WRONG. Take it from someone who’s made and lost fortunes — it doesn’t work that way. If you’re reading this trying to figure out the tape — you’re a scrap guy — someone trying to eat scraps and crumbs, trying to make it. The fastest way to not make it is to think you’re better than everyone else. The easiest way to make it is spending less, saving more, and investing for the long haul. Sounds easy — right? Try getting married, having kids, and getting lured into big ass homes and cars. Next thing you know your burn rate is thru the roof and you’re scratching your balls wondering how you just blew a million dollars on groceries the past decade.

I can teach you this shit for free — but you have to show an interest. By free, I mean $59 per mo with an Exodus subscription. The fuck you think makes the site run — dirt and good will?

iBankCoin is a fucking institution. I started this place with a bunch of people and I’m the only one left. Everyone left me but you — the unwashed reader. I don’t get along with people and it’s better this way.

If you want to learn a little bit about my past fortunes made and lost — I wrote about it so cop the books. Trust me, I can write screenplays out of all the shit I’ve seen. I’m on page 350 of 700 of a new book I’m writing now about the 2008 financial crisis — showcasing my blogs here and the comments section. You might not realize it now, but the shit we’ve done here, you and I both, is important. We’re documenting these events in real time — giving live reactions to the shit out there. I realize the comments section isn’t active here anymore — but that’s because everyone is talking in Exodus. Before we had an active chat room in Exodus — people would comment more on the free site. (I’m not fucking linking to the premium service each time. It auto links programmatically).

Fuck, I forgot what this blog was supposed to be about.

I bought two stocks into the bell. My gut feeling is markets will crash HIGHER tomorrow — fucking all of you Zerohedgers into never-ending glory holes.

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Odd Divergences Are Keeping Me In Cash

After closing out most of my losers, I’ve done nothing but shit post inside the Pelican Room and make myself eggs. The breadth is bad. The action in gold and bonds — horrible. Bitcoin — trash. This whole set up is horrendous.

So how come I’m not shorting here?

Good question.

Maybe it’s because I don’t like being beaten to a bloody pulp by shorting stocks into faux weakness. That’s right — this smells like a set up, a trap. Inside of dicking around with intra-day shenanigans, I’ll likely just opt for an end of day buying spree.

Don’t you get it? This is how they get you — throwing out mixed signals in an attempt to lure you back in. Don’t fall for that shit.

Since I no longer post my picks on the free site (sorry about that), I’ll let you know later on if I had the balls to step up and take a swing at this again — without getting into specifics.

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Great fucking day for everyone but me. I woke up to a nightmare on several trading fronts. I’ll summarize this clusterfuck with my pnl for some closed out car accidents.

(MARA -17%)
(RIOT -9.5%)
(MGI -10%)
(REAL -13%)

BOOM and BAM! That’s what you call a wooden baseball bat to the head. I’m only fortunate it wasn’t an aluminum bat. How lucky of me.

This didn’t all roll lower today to that degree, but plunged below my stops and here I am licking my wounds like a god damned idiot. I should’ve known this was going to happen, seeing that I was just bragging like a motherfucker last week about how invincible I was — up 33 on my last 40 trades. Well, chalk up another 4 losers. I sold them because why the fuck not? I’m not going to hold onto losers and I might as well close them out in the beginning of the month in order to give myself a clean slate.

I’m too afraid to buy now, so I’ll likely place a trade or two near the close.

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