I was in NYC last night doing pizza reviews with the fam and an old friend. Joe and Pat’s on E.12th and 1st avenue blew Sauce out of the fucking swimming pool. Plus, at Joe and Pat’s — you can have beer and that got me warmed up for today’s degeneracy.
What am I planning to do today?
Several things. You have to understand, I am “The Fly” and you’re just readers — so the things that I do here will vary much differently from what you’re going to do. For example, most of you will probably drink some swill, light a few fire bombs, and fall asleep in front of the teevee, sloppily and fat.
I intend to thoroughly clean my house from basement to the fucking attic again. You have to understand, this is my life now with the house being for sale and all. The house must be in tip top shape at all times. All fucking times. At any given moment someone can request a showing and I have to file everyone the fuck out of here and pray to God they’ll buy the house — so that I can finally become a southern gentleman and get the hell out of here.
That’s number one.
Number two, I’m going to drink a lot. But I’m not drinking swill. I’m drinking Chimay, good, quality, European, Belgian European, beer. I’m sure most of you don’t know what I’m talking about and I don’t expect you to. That shit is expensive at $15 per bottle and it would relegate most into the poorhouse.
Number three, I’m going to BBQ a lot. I’m making burgers and brats. But not just ordinary brats. We have a place nearby called Brick Farms and they slaughter their own animals and turn them into sausages. We’ll be eating that and high quality, grass fed, burgers. I will top them off with provolone, also from Brick Farms, where they milk their own cows and turn that shit into cheese.
Number four, I will light a lot of fireworks. Since the explosive bombs are illegal here, I’ll be lighting colorful pussy shit. I know some of you are intent on blowing off your fingers or searing off your eyebrows with errant mortar shells to the face. “The Fly” doesn’t do shit like that. I’m too important and valuable to end up in jail or without fingers. Otherwise, how would I type blogs?
Number five, clean up and bathe and go to sleep at a decent time. If you want to be productive, you can’t stay up all night. Cut the shit out already, you’re not a teenager anymore. Go to sleep and wake up with the fucking roosters.
All in all, it should be a great night. We’re going to celebrate America and all of her fucking glory, whether that bothers the neighbors or not. This is our day to shine and act like fucking assholes, get drunk, fat — but in a distinguished way.
NOTE: I’m thinking about starting a podcast titled “The Final Fucking Hour” — discussing markets and events from 3-4pm daily. Thoughts?Comments »