YOU STUPID FOOLS…YOU’VE LEARNED NOTHING

The market is never, ever, ever going to go down. The best part of this market is knowing young punks, like many of your friends, are disinterested in the market. They’d rather snort cocaine and chew on viles of crack cocaine all day, instead of becoming a gentleman of ‘extreme vigor and substance.’

Listen to me. You’re embarrassing yourselves, at this stage in the game. “The Fly” reigns supreme over you ham and eggers and has a violent streak in him to track you down, isolate you, then toss you into a flaming volcano.

As an aside, I am pre-ordering Ben “smoking blunts while saving the planet” Bernanke’s new book, a memoir of sorts. It’s the least I can do, considering he saved the country and all.

Bottom line: you’re playing yourself and everything you’ve ever known about stocks is wrong. Very simply, fall in under the umbrella of my winship and embrace the fortitude that is extended to me by the Gods, both old and new.

I bought into DSKY today, not because I like the company or am a ‘fan’ of its business in the traditional sense. I simply have a habit of buying chinese burritos when they get hot. It’s like placing a burrito into a microwave and removing it when it beeps. By default, I buy these shit stocks when they go up.

I am seeking help to deal with these issues.

This just in from the desk at Janus,

Look here, fuckers.

Any of you pencil dicks make all but a peep when working in my boardroom, I will personally see to it that you are tied to a post and whipped until your spine breaks in half. Also, for the fuckers at PIMCO: all of your monies are now mine.

Janus Capital, formerly a shitpot cesspool for vagrants and neanderthals alike, now has the panache it needs to become a world class organization.

How you seen its shares recently? Quite nice, might I add.

BACK TO LICKING MY STAMP COLLECTION.

Not a single word from any of you. SHHHHHHHh.

B.Fucking Gross, Manager of all the money, Janus

I know the market is soft today and you’re like “where’s my fucking winship on this very day?” I invite you to exhibit a modicum of patience, young man.

The market is only flat for the year, all the while the homosexuals in europe are up double digits. The dog eaters in Hong Kong are up to tremendous levels, thanks to a recent law change in China, permitting further mutual fund investing in it. Who fucking knows about these asshole law changes in China and how it might affect investor behavior? When I sold out YY yesterday, as it was up 8, I felt a sense of escape from like a rape or something. I am so accustomed to be violently treated by Chinese burritos that I was unable to truly enjoy my magnanimous win.

I rolled into BITA, hoping for a repeat, which is a ridiculous idea in the first place. I do own BABA, another entity from the orient. But they are a real company with immense free cash flow. Simply put, if BABA doesn’t trade north of $100 inside of 6 months, I will build a bonfire from scraps of wood and old furniture, douse myself with citronella (I hate mosquitos), and then toss myself into it–live on Periscope!

The time to sell out of oil is now. Being proactive about a possible sentiment shift in May is what you’re paid to do, so start doing it.

Top picks: SAVE, BITA, JNS

I just got back from hell. I went to the Benzinga Fintech awards, in order to isolate all of my enemies in one room–just to peruse the place and see what my ‘competition’ had to offer. When I say ‘competition’, naturally, I mean it in the colloquial way–nothing at all formal. As a man who is aggressively pursuing his financial software destiny, one that is super-charged with the power of many thousands of race horses and other things equally as fast, I left that room feeling the same as I entered it–100% superior in every way humanly possible.

The highlight of the event, by far, was Josh Brown, aka The Reformed Broker. He must’ve been hammered while up there–because he was annihilating anyone who came close to him in laugh out loud fashion. If we do an iBC conference this year, I am going to pay him several bags of gold coins and at least 40 camels to host it.

By the way, I am 100% sure the help was spitting in the food. I refrained from eating any of it.

Moving on, I was there with several decoys, persons who may or may not be me. So if you thought you met me and had a nice time chatting, think again–it’s entirely possible you were talking to my stunt double.

The hell I speak of was on the ride home, one designed in the fiery pits of hades itself, forged in middle earth and delivered to me in the form of the Holland Tunnel. It was so tragic and heinous, I am electing not to speak of it any further.

But guess what? The markets are going higher again and I keep making grandiose amounts of coin, the sort of money you smack people in the face with. Dare I say, even MOAR winship awaits us?

FYI: Another 50-100 Exodus beta trials are going out today. Thus far, reviews have been flattering and very helpful. Thank you.

UPDATE: The award ceremony replay is here.

Some of you fuckers are really dense. That last post could not have been more suggestive of my sarcasm and extreme mocking of the bears, yet I still get emails and comments regarding how I switched to being bearish so quickly. So let me explain something to you now, especially for the newer readers of the site.

I will never be bearish again…ever.

Two thousand and eight is no longer a year, but a lesson. It is everything that was wrong with capitalism and what not to do in a crisis. Unless we totally lose our minds again, do not expect 2008 to happen again, in your lifetimes. I am sure there will be another 2008 in 50 years or more from now. However, this generation and the generations who will be taught about the lesson will not permit the same mistakes to be made.

Everything and anything will be thrown at markets to ensure their viability. As such, it’s a fool’s errand to try to conquest the market being short. Only a jackass with a penchant for bankruptcy and idiocy waits for the world to melt down, all the while it basks in the greatest technological revolution in the history of mankind.

This, ladies and gentlemen, is the era of connectivity. It’s a great time to start a new business, expand and scale an existing one–become the person you were born to be. All of that negativity, please. Get out of my fucking way, thank you very much.

FYI: We sent out 60 new beta trial invites last night, around 2am. We will send another 100 today and everyday until done. This is the last day I am accepting new beta trial requests. I might offer free trials every so often, to let you see what we built. But, as of right now, we are very focused on launch and fixing up some of the things you told us in trial feedback. Remember, the purpose of the trial is to help us, not so much help yourselves decide if you want to join. It is not the finished product and will be tweaked before launch. Email me and say hi [email protected]. Perhaps I’ll squeeze you in.

Stocks are higher and my chinese names, BABA and YY, are off to the races.

I am aggrieved to inform you that the proverbial ‘Roche Limit’ for the bulls was breached today and now the great Sword of Damocles awaits your figurine like heads.

Let me explain.

According to foremost experts in the laws of investing, the market reversal today was a ‘supreme and absolute’ death knell into the psyche of investors. This is that walk in the park you don’t come home from.

I’ve placed myself, we’ve all placed ourselves, in a most heinous and invidious position. After six long years, over 2,000 sunsets, the bull market has concluded today. On this very day that I speak of, ghouls plot your destruction at the Holland Lodge. Bears masquerading as humans are lulling you into a false sense of security. The theatrical fertilizer that you call news will leave indelible marks upon your 4 figure portfolios.

Might I suggest, if I might be so bold, that you get your affairs in order? At the end of the day, we’re all drifters and wastrels. Some do it from abject squalor, housing tenements located in high crime/risk parts of the world–like many of you. Others do it from 10,000 sq ft tombs, walking the night in a home better suited for mannequins, instead of people.

Alas, the javelin throwers have succeeded and we’re all coxcombs to their dominant alpha position. Flee now, lads, while you still have the chance!

It has been narrow. Many good stocks have been left behind, which makes me feel uneasy, as always. When the markets start to go up and some of my stocks are left behind, two things happen.

1. I begin to doubt the positions.

2. I look to upping the risk profile of my holdings, in order to participate in the rally.

Therein lies the danger. If we get a pullback, you’re left holding a bag of shit. Having said that, I pared back my HABT position again and started a new position in AGIO. I know, AGIO is super expensive and the stock is already up huge. However, their cancer drugs might be the biggest drugs ever. If approved, the stock may do what REGN did, so it’s worth the risk.

Right now I am in my office, drinking from a bowl with a handle on it, an obscene amount of coffee. I am fielding dozens of emails from prospective Exodus users and trying to come to grips with today’s market reversal. I went from being +0.4% to down 0.25%. It’s not a big deal, in the big scheme of things. But, I think it’s important that we recognize that oil/gas and homebuilders have been the only stocks that have risen in recent weeks. Almost everything else has remained flat to down.

The original game plan was to be long crude through April, was it not? Going with that train of thought, we should be paring down those positions here. I am thinking about selling out of my SLCA position and the rest of my FMSA. In its replace would be its natural enemy, an airline or two–maybe even a trucker.

If you’re short stocks, indeud the Sun Also Rises, especially from the East. You will walk away from this trading session a renewed man, a person of extreme importance and interest about the town. Beautiful women will flock to your side, hoping to glean a small piece of brilliance from your person. Remember to bestow unto others what has been given to you, good man.

NOTE: Fifty more Exodus trials will be emailed soon.

I realize today is a hard day. By looking at the indices, one might think a dedicated short seller is mad with rage. Its been 6 years of Dantes Inferno for short sellers and they never seem to get a break. Just when it looked like oil was on its way down the toilet bowl, when their leader of hell, Dennis Gartman, said it was going to $10 per barrel, it careens higher.

They almost had a Greek default 10 times, but no dice.

They once even had western countries teetering on insolvency, with sovereign debt yields spiking through the roof. Now Spain can borrow at a cheaper rate than the United Steaks.

More recently, biotech stocks posed as imminent danger to the bull market, overheating too fast–much to the bears delight. Well, it pulled back 5% and now they’re running again.

Nothing, and I mean nothing, is being given to the short sellers of America. These poor lads have been living in abject squalor for more than half a decade. I am thinking about starting a foundation to help these people. Perhaps we can all donate, and show our good grace, just 1% of our profits to this foundation and help feed a bear family tonight.

What do you say?

In other news, TWTR is breaking legs to the upside. I am pissed off for not owning it. I wanted to buy Rignet, RNET, 10 points ago; but missed that too. AGIO flagged oversold in The PPT yesterday, with a 10 up 1 down track record. That stock still looks good today.

My PANW, SLCA and N are powering forward today, lending to an even more hedonistic 2015 for yours truly. It’s not all rainbows and unicorns today, with breadth at around 59%.

Lastly, we sent out 12 beta trials last night. I am looking forward to hearing your thoughts. We will send out another 50 today.

We’ve selected a random 12 people, apostles if you will, to beta test Exodus tonight. After that, we will choose 50 per day for the next week, to give everyone a 3 day look inside the world’s best financial tool ever made.

What exactly is Exodus?

Look at your hand and remember these 5 things.

1. Powerful equity and ETF screener.

2. Vibrant community of sophisticated professionals and self-directed investors.

3. Instant analyzer of both technicals and fundamentals, for over 4,000 stocks and ETFs.

4. A reservoir for actionable ideas, given by the creator of Exodus and founder of iBankCoin, none other than Plutonium Petey himself–master and commander of the internets.

5. Predictive algorithms with an amazing track record since 2008, currently 84% successful in timing market turns from oversold conditions. We have hundreds of testimonials to support these arguments.

I made 0.52% for the day, at annual highs of +16%. Off to the gym.

Styling Like A Champion from iBC on Vimeo.