BofA/Merrill: The S&P 500 May Be Heading For 2,400

School is in session, fucked faces. If you thought the recent rally was special, you haven’t seen anything yet. According to the Bank of America stock market handbook, after periods of long consolidations, just like the 414 days in between new highs we’ve just enjoyed, markets tend to shatter the glass ceiling to the upside and rip out the jaws from bears.

There were 414 calendar days between the May 2015 high and the recent one, Suttmeier said on CNBC’s “Futures Now.”  The S&P 500 has been churning sideways for much of the last 24 months , without a meaningful breakout. But it’s that lack momentum that has Suttmeier convinced we could be on the brink of the next leg higher.

He explained that since 1929 there have been 24 instances where the market went 300 calendar days or more without making a new 52-week high, and in those times the forward return was much stronger than average.

“The bottom line is when I look at these numbers and if we do follow this signal, 250 days out the average return is about 15.6 percent, the median return is about 14.8 percent and the market is up 91 percent of the time,” he said.

Being the data loving guy that I am, I am forced to accept this porridge without complaint. Any technician will tell you the longer the consolidation the greater the upside breakout. However, maybe we can enjoy a brief end of the world panic again before we mash faces to the upside again?

Just a suggestion.

Free money for Deutsche Bahn. I’m sure this perversion of finance ends supremely. Since Germany is the Mother Theresa of credit and everyone loves her, I don’t see how other European corporations could compete with their companies, who sport a capital structure which entails free money, unlimited. We hem and haw over Chinese companies dumping shit on our shores and how they great dog eating currency manipulators. But how is this better? This is far worse than subsidies. This is the fucking Elephant Man on the front page of GQ magazine.

($388 million) bond sale to funds, while banks bought 23 percent, according to a person familiar with the matter who asked not to be identified because they aren’t authorized to discuss the offering. Investors in Germany and Austria bought most of the bonds.

Investors in the state-owned German rail operator will effectively pay to lend to the company after its bonds were sold to yield minus 0.006 percent on Tuesday. Yields on more than $10 trillion of sovereign and investment-grade corporate bonds have been driven to zero or below as central bank efforts to boost their economies inflate asset prices.

“It must feel awkward to be exposed to a credit risk and simultaneously lock in a guaranteed loss,” said Hyung-Ja de Zeeuw, an Amsterdam-based senior credit strategist at ABN Amro Bank NV. “It’s the world upside down: you issue bonds and you get money for free. It’s a result of unconventional policy.”

According to BofA, the average euro land investment grade yield is 0.8%.

This is fuckery of the very first magnitude.

These guys just suck, plain and simple. Not only did they lose 90% on their largest position, they probably sold it near the bottom too. I don’t see how this is bad news for VRX, since they had no idea what they were doing anyway. Still, Sequoia was Valeant’s largest shareholder, ever bigger than big, stupid, Pershing Square.

Their mea culpa and -13.2% ytd reveal.

The he net result? They now find themselves in the buxom of Warren Buffett and a bunch of cash.

They should stop to embarrassment and shut this shit down.

Jefferies is out with a bullish note today, exclaiming the virtues of Pokemon Go and how it will transcend ordinary stupid app store chicanery and morph into a money making machine, on pace to gross $2b over the next year. Basically, no one really knows how Nintendo will monetize this insanely popular app, segueing into new games and monetization schemes. But they have a huge winners on their hands and the stock is likely to continue trading up. Prior to this recent run, markets had priced the Pokemon Go app at zero, something Jefferies believes is inherently and overtly stupid.

The downside risk is some idiot mowing down a parking lots filled with elderly people, in search for a squirtle.

The past nine trading days have been of the epic varietal. We get a lot of those these days, don’t we?

Volatility, measured by the VIX, just dropped by 50% over the past 10 trading days–representing the largest draw down ever.

MKM issued a research note today, discussing the event. In summary, markets are breaking out and volatility is likely to remain ‘subdued.’ However, they compared the recent malaise to the 90s and suggest we might endure a series of ‘high magnitude’ shocks to the system, especially since there are so many walls of worry to climb.

Like I said earlier, volatility is an interesting hedge at these levels.

Dr. Benjamin Bernanke flew in on his private jet, accompanied by three dozen retired secret service agents, working for the Citadel corporation, to discuss monetary policy with the BOJ chief, famously dubbed ‘Kamikaze’ Kuroda–here on iBankCoin.

Amongst other things, the good Doctor schooled Kuroda and his minion, Prime Minister Abe, about how to properly bitch slap short sellers and to create an overall swag at the Central Bank that cannot be fucked with.

“We are only halfway to the exit from deflation,” Abe said at the start of the meeting at his residence Tuesday. “We want to be steadfast in accelerating our breakaway from deflation.”

Officials in Japan described their perverted monetary plans and how they’d like to monetize their own construction bonds and then spend said money, recklessly, in a desperate gambit to get the robot-anime loving weirdos who populate Tokyo to procreate and spend some fucking yen.

Bernanke’s message was indelibly clear: get your fucking C. Bank swag on and make a lot of traps to fuck with short sellers. Let them know your pimp hand is strong, and they’ll never fuck with you again. He said all of these things whilst smoking a philly blunt stuffed with high-grade marijuana.

Come on, already. You Bernie Sanders miscreants make this too easy.

In an effort to show your dismay against Hill of Beans Clinton, you will devour said beans, like them, and then flatulate, en masse, at the DNC convention? Meanwhile, the Black Lives Matters folks are going to punch Trump supporters in their faces for being racist, obviously.

Advocates for poor people and progressive causes say they still plan to make a stink – literally – during Hillary Clinton’s big night accepting the Democratic presidential nomination this month.

The plan: feed beans to Democratic National Convention delegates for Bernie Sanders, and send them into the Philadelphia convention hall to show what they think of the former secretary of state.

Sanders-supporting organizers of the odious protest also are unswayed by the Vermont senator’s Tuesday endorsement of Clinton and will push ahead.

In fact, Cheri Honkala, national coordinator for the Poor People’s Economic Human Rights Campaign, expects more beans to pour into her group’s downtown Philadelphia office.

Boxes of dry beans and heavy containers of canned beans already have arrived by mail, Honkala says, in all varieties: navy, pinto, lima and baked, with return addresses in Texas, Wisconsin and across the Rust Belt.

“Those beans will probably quadruple” after Sanders’ endorsement, Honkala says.

Many Sanders supporters “are not happy” about the two major party candidates, she says. “They do not represent the American people. It’s like they’re reality-show characters, two villains who can’t be trusted.”

Organizers have not tested varieties to discern the smelliest option, but Honkala says baked beans likely will be preferred and paired with hot dogs at a feeding location in a “Clintonville” camp in northern Philadelphia.

A second feeding location is likely to be at the group’s office a few blocks from the convention venue for delegates, journalists and others heading into the speech.

You can tell a Bernie supporter by the crazed look in their eyes. Now tell me, am I lying?

Inverse Vix, XIV, is the best investment ever created–up 24% over the past two weeks. Having said that, volatility hit new lows today, as the market ripped to record highs.  This, of course, was a very predictable outcome.

Although not a fan of any of the volatility ETF products, now is a good time to hedge longs with VIX call options. We’re at a place in the VIX that has served as a bottoming congregating point for perverted VIX players. Some of their choice ETFs include UVXY, TVIX and of course VXX.

Three days ago, the day traders at the FDA put a hold on this drug, due to it killing a few people. Today, they removed it! How wonderful.

The co announced that the UFDA has removed the clinical hold on the Phase II clinical trial of JCAR015 (known as the “ROCKET” trial) in adult patients with relapsed or refractory B cell acute lymphoblastic leukemia (r/r ALL). Under the revised protocol, the ROCKET trial will continue enrollment using JCAR015 with cyclophosphamide pre-conditioning only.

As a result, the stock is fucking soaring through the rafters. Perhaps someone had a sit down with the FDA about their ‘uninformed decision’ to erroneously and maliciously placing a clinical hold on such a drug? For JUNO shareholders, it’s a very good thing the fuckers at the FDA came to their senses (extra Joe Pesci).

JUNO is higher by 30% in the after hours.

Bond King, Jeff Gundlach, from Doubleline is giving a presentation this afternoon.

Here are a few of his key points.

-Leading economic indicators aren’t good

-He’s laughing at people who suggest commodities are in a bull market.

-Set up for 10yr bond is the worst he’s seen in his life. He wouldn’t be surprised if 10yr hit 1.70%

-Believes market will be weak tomorrow ahead of 30yr

-Doesn’t like risk reward of bonds here. Believes TLT and XLU can trade lower.

-Thinks wheat has more upside than bonds here.

-Fast Money traders are long LQD.

Meaningless drek.