Zombie Investing

Alternative energy names, like PLUG, BLDP, CPST, SCON and FCEL, are the latest craze on Wall Street. This is a sector that was considered to be a joke, a laughing stock teetering on bankruptcy. Now it’s all the rage.

Before that, the shippers came back to life, eating the brains of short sellers from here to China. Before that the biotech sector surged and before that solar stocks skyrocketed, alongside Chinese burritos and education related names.

If there is one thing that is bankable in this market it is this:

ALL DEAD STOCKS COME BACK TO LIFE, LIKE ZOMBIES, TO AVENGE THEIR DEATHS UPON THE SKULLS OF THE SHORTS WHO KILLED THEM.

And that’s it folks. All you have to do, mind you, is isolate a sector that has been bludgeoned, position accordingly, and wait.

What’s next? Is anything still down?

LNG fuel plays: CLNE, WPRT

Steel and Iron: CLF, MTL, SIM, GGB, VALE

Retail: VSI, GNC, JCP, SHOS, TLYS, ARO, LULU, FRAN, AEO, URBN, ETH

Ag Chem: MOS, POT, SQM, IPI, AVD, TNH

Pawn Shops: EZPW, DLLR, CSH

Gold: GORO, RBY, SAND, KGC, AEM, AUY

Coal: ANR, ACI, BTU, WLT, YZC

Refiners: ALJ, DK, CVI, ALDW, CLMT, PBF

Residential Construction: HOV, MHO, KBH, GFA

REITs: MITT, CBL, O, DLR, AGNC, CCG, ACC, ARR, SBY

There you have it. All of those stocks are part of sectors that have underperformed, measurably, over the past year. Look for signs of resurgence and be careful of false breakouts, since most of the above names have been murderholes.

You people need to be ready, ready to throw down some dough at a drop of a hat. If you have some cash sitting idle, like some stupid market misfit, BRACE YOURSELVES and prepare for winship.

Over the past week or so, very high quality names have been selling off. On one hand, these are the sort of names that you’d buy for your kids, who would grow up to be spoiled brats with bloated trust funds. On the other hand, you could buy them for Granny– and if the market corrected– the financial hardship that these stocks would impose on her would be so severe, so treacherous, it’d literally kill her. So you need to find a happy middle ground.

Take me for example:

During my career, I’ve blown my personal account to smithereens a few times, without even thinking about it twice. I’d step into the market with a hairy chest and $50k worth of gambling dice, placing all of it on black. BAM, red hits and I’m out of dice. I’d walk away from the desk, then make another $50k to replace the unfortunate loss. This sort of sordid stock market tomfoolery will get you killed, God damn it! Gone are the days when I’d idly toss money into the fires, just to make my toes warm. Now’er days, I invest my personal account for the longer term. I cannot trade it because it distracts me from my job, to manage money, professionally, on a very high level, so high, most of you ball-juggalars can’t even see me.

Back to the subject at hand.

Here are some stocks, of very high quality, that have been selling off. I leave the timing and size of your prospective positions entirely up to your own caprices.

ALNY
ATHN
CNQR
DHI
FEYE
MKTO
CRTO
SALE
SCTY
SOHU
WDAY
MDVN
PCYC
FUEL
DATA
YY
YELP
SFUN
ECOM

All momentum stocks are being dismantled, with exception of a few choice names–IFON being one of them. My SALE is being treated like the fat girl at the end of the bar. It’s awfully reminiscent of how YELP was treated when it first IPOd.

Once again, this is an opportunity to get into some of the top performers, stocks like SPLK, FEYE, CRTO, YELP, as they come in.

What sort of risk appetite do you have? Is it ravenous or a slight tinge of hunger?

All I know is this: IFON is a $10 stock, masquerading at 4ish. All of my other stocks will be much higher too, especially EGRX and FLXN. Let’s not forget about EZPW, GNC, BBBY and MA. I remind you of my positions, even when they are down, to demonstrate–in real time–how winship develops.

As always…DEVELOP…

It’s very tempting to buy EBAY here, in light of them rejecting the venerable Carl Icahn from acquiring just 3 seats on their board. You know he will dig in now, attempting to crush their spirits for the benefit of his purse (no homo).

The next door neighbor is feeding the deer and the crows, which has resulted in me wanted to kill everything next door. Just a little FYI, as 50,000 crows descend upon me like in that movie “The Birds.”

Both of my biotech holdings caught analyst initiations today, FLXN and EGRX. Hopefully their kind words will result in the shares skyrocketing to the upside.

Futures are tepid, but well off the lows. The men and women who trade the futures markets are the very dumbest in the financial system. They are like chum at the end of every traders fishing pole, the proverbial sacraficial lamb in this financial farce we call “free market capitalism.”

BBBY warned; but it wasn’t too bad. I wouldn’t be surprised to see their shares higher for the day.

In summary, we are destined for greatness, in this fantastic month called March. Very soon, the best holiday of the year, St. Patrick’s Day, will be upon us. We shall eat plenty of boiled meats and starches, whilst guzzling down gallons of beer clad in ridiculous green outer-garments. Do not let the stupid jackasses who trade the S&P futures get you down. Sure, war is on the horizon and the cold war might be back: but who cares? At the end of the day, the Fed is dumping their bread into the markets and we eat it up.

Nine tenths of any successful business strategy revolves around sales. Without the ability to convince another person that your product is worth buying, there isn’t a business to build on. Once you get the sales thing out of the way, then you better make sure the product is better than everyone else’s.

The secret to any business, specifically mine, is confidence. What am I confident about? Am I simply a deranged person with his eyes set on the moon, or do I have a tangible reason to be confident, to convince others that I am better?

A lot of sales hacks like to tell junior reps “fake it until you make it.” For a long time, I thought that made sense. After all, when starting out in the business, most enterprising brokers are poor, hungry and cunning. It makes sense to fake it, in order to give the person on the other end of the transaction the confidence that they need to justify doing business with you. Truth be told, it’s a bandaid solution. Your clients will figure out, sooner or later, that you’re an idiot and they’ll leave you for some autocrat at some big bulge firm.

What you need, what everyone needs, is something real, something that can be relied upon, a strategy that cannot be negotiated with because it’s a winner. Remember what I told you about winners? When is a good time to buy a winner? Any time, whether it be at a 52 week high, 10% below it, or on a 25% gap up on explosive earnings. Winners find ways to win, just like losers make excuses as to why they aren’t winning.

Now we’re coming to the point.

This is what gives me the confidence that I need to play this market.

Yes, it is a premium product: it’s called The PPT. I think you’ve heard me mention it before. Many of you have tried it and a great many of you have thought about it, only to get distracted by online pornography and the other vices that make up your pathetic lives. Just focus on this one chart and understand that I haven’t scrubbed the data to conform to a convenient sales pitch. I don’t do sales pitches, especially when conversing on the internets with random folk.

The chart annotates all recent Overall “Hybrid” Oversold signals, without compromise. The hybrid score is a combination of fundamentals and technical factors in a stock. We analyze over 4,000 equities and another 1,000 or so ETFs. When the scores hit a peak or a trough, the system spits out Overbought and Oversold readings. Pretty simply, yet brilliant if accurate.

If I told you that I had something that could predict market bottoms 82% of the time, would you be interested? I bet you would.

Well, it’s right here, in front of your faces. You’ve only been too stupid to realize it.

That’s all of the data of Hybrid Oversold signals since 2009. Over the past 6 months, the signals have been met with 100% accuracy. It helps being in a bull market, truth be told. However, let’s not kid ourselves and say emotions don’t get in our way from time to time, causing us to miss opportunities.

That’s my source of confidence. I hope you get to enjoy it as much as I do.

This is the best market of our lives. You will never trade in a market as predictable as this one. Many years from now, you will tell stories of this tape to your grandkids, who would have read about this era in their history iPads, curious about the people who were blessed with the gift of euphoria.

It’s euphoria in the morning, decadence in the afternoon, and hedonism in the evening. That’s all I have to say about the matter.

Have a great weekend.

The market can cradle my balls. I am up another 1% today, non-stop action to the upside. I feel like Ivan Drago and the market is my Apollo Creed.

It was a good idea holding onto the large capped stuff, as they’re all higher today. Tis is the season for retail and BBBY, MA, GNC and SALE are my plays.

Let’s not forget my largest position, EZPW, going bananas to the upside today, likely banking revenues off of the heirlooms of the deprived and depraved.

Who can ignore the reversal in IFON? It is the preferred “iFON” for the indigenous people of South America, playing football in the Amazon and on the equator.

What else can I say? Not to come off as immodest or anything like that, but are you doing as well as I am? I seriously doubt it. Even if you were, it doesn’t count, since your little accounts are of little consequence. They don’t even register with the IRS; that’s how meaningless they truly are.

With biotech getting its teeth kicked in, even my EGRX is green.

I remind you of these wins, on days like today, so that you might learn from your past trespasses upon Señor Tropicana, the man who travels well in a time machine.

May you be off now and sin no more.

How very kliche of the market to klassicly reverse lower after sucking klowns into the fold. I could start bragging about the fact that my stocks are higher, save a few here and there; but “The Fly” is above bragging and has decided to be modest.

To be immodest is to be a devil.

Top picks: SB, IFON, EZPW.

The jobs report was better than expected. Couple that with the fact that the George H.W. Bush Carrier Strike Group is heading for the Black Sea, probing the Russians in the hopes of entering into armed conflict so that our children can fight for liberty in The Ukraine (ROFL), my sense is this market goes “full cocaine” to the upside, snorting all the way to the bank.

Bet against it all you like, you stupid bastards. The American oligarchy is permanently housed in their harems, collecting coin off the backs of the underclass. This is how the world has worked for 50,000 years, dating back to the cro-magnon days.

FEYE priced an add-on offering at $82. This is your chance to get in. Gold and silver are back in the “fag box” and the world as we know it is fantastic.

Be gay (no homo) and enjoy your Friday.

GOOD NEWS, America: The kind Judge presiding over “The Justin Beiber case” has announced, after consulting with his conscience, that Justin Beiber’s penis shall remain anonymous. After all, the kid has a “right to privacy” in this grande land of ours.

This came as barbaric news to the homosexuals in the media, who clamored for a peak of Beiber urinating into a cup. They feel it is within their rights, as tax paying Americans, to see the penis of Justin Beiber. I’m not sure if it’s because he’s a Canadian alien, or just because they would like to see it. One thing is for certain, however, the tape will leak to TMZ and the world will get to see it, whether they want to or not.

I could very easily segue this commentary with an end of times rant (a classic one too, one for the ages), based off the denigration of society, a modern day Sodom and Gomorrah–hoping for flash floods, mind-boggling disease, and/or devilish volcanos enveloping the land and its citizenry. But I shall not lower myself to such a predictable course of action. Always remember, God damn it, I am a Doctor of Journalism and should be treated with some respect.

In summary, ahead of a very important jobs number, Justin Beiber’s penis WILL NOT be shown, officially, by the government, despite it being a “matter of public recourd.”