A Matter of Public Recourd

GOOD NEWS, America: The kind Judge presiding over “The Justin Beiber case” has announced, after consulting with his conscience, that Justin Beiber’s penis shall remain anonymous. After all, the kid has a “right to privacy” in this grande land of ours.

This came as barbaric news to the homosexuals in the media, who clamored for a peak of Beiber urinating into a cup. They feel it is within their rights, as tax paying Americans, to see the penis of Justin Beiber. I’m not sure if it’s because he’s a Canadian alien, or just because they would like to see it. One thing is for certain, however, the tape will leak to TMZ and the world will get to see it, whether they want to or not.

I could very easily segue this commentary with an end of times rant (a classic one too, one for the ages), based off the denigration of society, a modern day Sodom and Gomorrah–hoping for flash floods, mind-boggling disease, and/or devilish volcanos enveloping the land and its citizenry. But I shall not lower myself to such a predictable course of action. Always remember, God damn it, I am a Doctor of Journalism and should be treated with some respect.

In summary, ahead of a very important jobs number, Justin Beiber’s penis WILL NOT be shown, officially, by the government, despite it being a “matter of public recourd.”