Howitzer to the Face

Fuck this bullshit. SHLD missed by several square miles. As a result, shares are getting lit the fuck up in pre-market trade. I am taking my money and walking for the exits. I know when the game is no longer viable. This shit you see here, specific to the pinless hand grenade action in certain stocks, is a sure fire way to lose it all. The Dow is creeping higher, while select stocks and sectors are quietly getting obliterated. Next thing you know, the market corrects in earnest and those earnings bastards fall another 15-25%.

A great man once said “fuck this shit and fuck those firemen.” I could not agree more. For one, stocks have treated me badly this year. I believe it’s some sort of witchcraft that is plaguing me. I will need to make sacrifices and cleanse my spirit of whatever demons that chase me. And, secondly, for the most part firemen sit around the firehouse all day, giving each other blowjobs and cooking up fancy meals.

“The Fly” doesn’t have time for fancy meals. It’s granola bar and go. It’s 10 cups of coffee before noon, brush my teeth 20 times, and sell it all.

Granted, I’m hell bent on keeping my refinery holdings. For the sake of all that is honorable and just in this world, if the criminals who mug me at the pump every day are not banking coin, no one is. Then this whole experiment called life is a fraud and I have nothing to worry about, since I’m moving to Puma Punku anyway.

My SHLD loss will come in at around 7%. As of yesterday’s close, I was up 1.5% on the position. However, it’s the anti-climatic nature of this swing that makes me want to take a fucking howitzer, park it in the parking lot of my local K-mart, and start assaulting it with egregious volleys from hell.

As you readily know, iBankCoin is the premier destination for financial commentary. Our year over year traffic growth is in the high double digits and our swagger cannot be matched by any, including the infamous HOWARD LINDZON. At any rate, as you, the fucktarded reader from Dumbfuckville, embark on the journey of learning the culture and habits of iBC, you should know the following rules.

1. I do not accept financial advice from anyone, especially you.
2. Never side with my neighbors, in any regard, when I mention them on my blog.
3. I will ban you for looking at the screen sideways, let alone talking shit to me.
4. To date, I’ve banned more than 600 people, tossing them wildly into what I like to call “the fag box.” Please see GREG SOLOMON for details.
5. I am not interested in building site traffic, only to commit heinous acts of winship upon my many enemies.

Most finance bloggers out there have a desire to teach or procure readership and/or subscribers for their services. Well, I get all of that shit without trying, specifically because of my mystical presence and/or insanely strong pimp hand. You don’t need to concern yourself with the latter.

In short, you fuckers need to comport yourselves in a certain way, including adherence to the strictest internet dress code in existence. Failure to follow these rules will lead to rapid and immediate tracking of your IP and subsequent assault upon your persons cherished and retarded mustache.

People fear the high price of gasoline will lead to demand destruction, which is why refinery related stocks are getting smashed. Being heavily invested in the sector, I’ve been clown raped in recent weeks. There is nothing to be upset over, since stocks trade on emotion, not reason. I expect the earnings to be spectacular. However, in the short term, it may not matter.

At the present, I am up 2% on my WNR position. Due to drawdowns in other stocks, like CVI, ALJ etc, my year to date gains are withering away, with no end in sight. My choices are clear: stick with my convictions and risk castration or lighten up for the sake of longevity. The potential downside will fucking vaporize my gains, AND MORE, setting me back months of hard work. In the big scheme of things, the money was NEVER MINE in the first place. I’ve made so much money over the last 5 years, it should be illegal.

At any rate, for those of you who cannot risk it all on a singular earnings announcement, my advice to you is “don’t.”

With summer around the corner and Bin Laden dead, enjoy your youth with excessive alcohol intake, whilst eating the finest foods this planet has to offer.

I sold out north of $116.

I know this is not a very apropos storyline, ahead of today’s “fuck you Osama, you’re dead” rally. However, the numbers are outrageous, when discussing the prospects of selling stocks in May. One of you little toilet bowl cleaners will fish out the data and post it in the comments section for the rest of us. In the meantime, I am going to walk around the office in my regal blue and gold cape.

This is first class blogging here pal, not that slave shit that you’re used to elsewhere.

With regards to stocks: they’re going up, with exception to silver. Maybe we need silver to trade lower in order to mass produce silver bullets. As you know, werewolves are out there, waiting for a full moon to appear so they could eat our faces.

At any rate, you are all very boring to me. Maybe I will visit some low end Hyundai dealerships today and haggle with idiot salesmen over prices, just for shits and giggles. I will go on test drives and claim the “the fucking steering wheel nearly came off. I want free floor mats with purchase and a 0.05% apr.”

Top picks: WNR and werewolves

Someone inform all of the troops abroad to go home now, for the war on terrorism is now over. Osama Bin Laden was shot and killed, hiding out in some decadent mansion, in Pakistan. That’s especially funny, since I figured he was in a cave all this time.

The time for false truths and half measures are over. The Dow Jones Industrial average will soar to God tomorrow, making all short sellers INSTANTLY bankrupt. This is a magical bullet, in the sense that it wins the military and financial wars on terror simultaneously, routing out short sellers as if they were logic at the heights of Puma Punku (as you know, logic does not exist there).

To celebrate this elaborate victory, I have ordered seven dozen funeral cakes with Bin Laden’s face on it. I shall throw a dinner party this Friday, where my guests will be served pieces of Osama’s face. We will eat the remains of Bin Laden and flourish in his aftermath, through outrageous stock market wins. We will make those who are short go into severe cardiac arrest, then eat their remains at a later date too.

In short, it is time to rejoice and BEHOLD the splendour [sic] of a Mr. Barry H. Obama, for he is the Winston Churchill of our generation.
[youtube:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=liNT9M4kGe0 616 500]

I don’t trust what my computers are saying or what people on Twitter are elated about. But, apparently, silver is down 10% now, for no apparent reason other than the fact that Jp Morgan has a vested interest in seeing it trade down to zero.

Volume this week will be light. So, what better time to crush silver, as we approach the 1 year anniversary of THE FLASH CRASH, than now? I’ve concluded, long ago, that there is no rhyme or reason to these black swan events, just tipping points. Most of the time, said tipping points are behind the scenes, egregious events transpiring while you are asleep like a lamb in a warm barn. I will have you know, “The Fly” does not sleep and is always on-guard for such events. Moreover, he has 24/7 sentry service to monitor certain buildings on Wall Street, in order to keep tabs on certain executives. As you readily know, I’ve designed iBankCoin to include numerous voyeur weapons that allow me to track readers, even by remote accessing their iPhone cameras. In other words, I am watching all of you, all the time. Even when your phone is neatly packed inside of your pocket, iBC has an eyeball of sorts in said pocket.

The Grande Recursive Order of the Knights of the Lambda Calculus have instructed me to inform you to prepare for outrageous events this summer. In others words, this summer, as it should be, will be exceedingly hot.

Good Day.

One of my favorite nonsensical trades is the $100 roll. I’ve executed this trade countless times, with overwhelming success. Basically, I buy a stock just prior to it breaking the $100 barrier, in an attempt to capture a quick 5-6 point move. More often than not, as is the case with OXY today, the move can be much greater. In the era of the clam, investors clamour [sic] for high priced earnings per share monsters, like OXY or EMN.

At any rate, I am leaning towards buying both CLH and PH for my next roll plays. Which ones do you like (not that I care or anything)? I am simply making small talk. You should consider yourself exceedingly lucky.

1 CKH -8.59 3.30 99.28

3 CLH -1.79 2.74 98.55
4 WAT -18.67 2.70 97.94
5 MMM -1.50 3.95 97.45
6 CMP -18.78 2.94 97.42
7 SHG 2.07 4.43 97.41
8 BAP 43.43 3.93 97.23
9 ALXN 39.78 3.83 97.06
10 DE 0.67 3.02 96.92
11 EL -13.93 3.15 96.79
12 VNO -23.30 2.70 96.75
13 LH 40.88 3.86 96.30
14 VMW 11.42 2.83 95.94
15 CLB -4.35 2.42 95.82
16 FOSL 19.52 3.49 95.79
17 NBL -15.71 3.22 95.74
18 CLF 0.97 3.13 95.60
19 APD -0.76 3.94 95.58
20 FDX 0.00 3.99 95.45
21 ADS -2.69 3.98 94.99
22 PH 2.01 3.04 94.78
23 SAM -7.82 3.30 94.57
24 PPG 21.93 3.28 94.17
25 LUFK 28.21 3.50 93.68

I never get mad at stocks, only my bad decisions. Despite what your dog brains think, stocks do not know you are invested in them. The losses are never personal, only the jackass who made the decision. When I take hard draw downs in my investments, literally, I look at them without emotion. Wall street is not stupid for selling my stocks. It is what it is. Getting mad at stocks for being “stupid” is the very definition of amateur.

Here is what you need to know:

The money is not yours to begin with. The government has the power to take away from you at will. If you are investing your money like a clown fucking asshat, don’t get mad when you are separated from your digits. Your loss is someones gain, financial Darwinism.

The stock market, as it stands now, is the longest line of cocaine that has ever existed. Like the marvels at Puma Punku, it defies logic and reason. It makes the pyramids at Giza look like childs play. Thus far, I am up just 0.4% for the day, led by gains in WNR. Emphatically, I believe the refiners are one of the few spots worth investing into, not for trades. Some stocks are good trades, others are investments. My OXY is ripping tits. I am saddened to have sold 90% of my position the other day. However, I am elated that I sold 90% of my MWW position.

At the moment, I am digging ALJ, CVI and WNR, especially after the recent pullback.

Due to the recent decline in the refiners, you’ve all become experts on the industry, professing to know all there is about crack spreads and share price correlations. Well then, Sir dick facing ass fucker, let’s go over the actual facts and not conjecture, shall we?

Here are some composite seasonal statistics (monthly) for the refining industry, courtesy of The PPT:

March 4.95% 187 103 64% 36%
April 2.31% 171 114 60% 40%
May 2.55% 180 112 62% 38%
June -1.96% 119 172 41% 59%

In summary, I started buying the refiners in March, when seasonality was at its apex. During the month of April, I am up on both CVI and ALJ, while down 1% on WNR. As you can see by the irrefutable data above, selling this industry into May has been a losing trade, 62% of the time.

Specific to WNR, the month of May has been especially bountiful for shareholders, up 60% of the time for an average return of 10%. Compared to an average loss in April of 3.9%, I’d surmise the time to own WNR, based upon seasonal data, is in May.

Here is the May data for WNR, dating back to 2007:

2010: -1.87%
2009: +13%
2008: +26.7%
2007: +24%