iBankCoin
18 years in Wall Street, left after finding out it was all horseshit. Founder/ Master and Commander: iBankCoin, finance news and commentary from the future.
Joined Nov 10, 2007
19,700 Blog Posts

Asshat of the Week Award: Dennis Gartman

 

Friday, March 23, 2007

It was a close one, but Dennis gets the “Asshat Award.” On March 6th, 2007, while the market was on the decline, Dennis appeared on CNBC’s Fast Money and declared “we are in a global bear market.” He said a bunch of other crap about Gold too, but I was too busy eating a hamburger with pickles, at the time, to hear him clearly. You know, the pickles were snapping in my ears.

Anyway, now that the markets are back to ripping the throats out of the bear-fuckers, I’d thought it would make sense to give one of these “Asshat Awards” (I have to get these fucking things out the door) to a man who embarrassed himself, family and Eric “the oil barrel” Bolling (Eric invited Dennis to the show) by declaring the end of the global bull market, as we know it, because it was down a few percentage points from the top.

Asshat!

I am sure Dennis has other stuff going on, like news letters and accurate market calls, but I’m not interested. All that matters to me is his declarative statement “global bear market,” coupled with his fucktarded looking tie. In my opinion, both are unacceptable. Hence, the “Asshat Award.”

Watch recent video of Dennis look “Asshattish” as the market fucking rolls on him.

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Asshat of the Week Award: Bob Pisani

 

Thursday, April 05, 2007

Come on, if Bob didn’t get one of these bad boy’s, the “Asshat Award” would be rendered pointless– considering Bob is fucking King of the Asshats and all.

Bob gets the award for walking around on the NYSE, while saying all sorts of retarded things.

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Asshat of the Week Award: Jordan Greenhall

 

Tuesday, May 01, 2007

Jordan Greenhall, CEO of DIVX, is my enemy. This man tried to assassinate me, last night, with his fucked up earnings and retarded stock.

Owning DIVX is equal to eating at “The Fly’s” local Chinese restaurant, where the Phoenix dish (a lobster dish if you will) comes without “robster,” because that shit is too expensive.

Where are the fucking earnings Jordan? You forgot to put the earnings in the earnings report– you stupid bastard.

I wouldn’t want to throw small hand axes at Jordan’s face (not his real face, a photo) if DIVX just missed the quarter. This man fucking guided up, two weeks ago. He said business was flippin’ great– and everyone piled into his stock.

Luckily for “The Fly,” I had a chance to cash in some chips at $23, but not enough.

Trust me when I say, if it wasn’t for BWLD skinning the shorts alive today (major position of “The Fly”), I’d dispatch several internet laser beams, effectively destroying DIVX‘s bullshit website.

In short, unlike my local Chinese restaurant, where the owner demonstrates why he is true master, selling “robster” dishes, minus the “robster,” Jordan is just a plain ole’ vanilla gay asshat.

Hence, I give him the “Asshat of the Week Award.”

NOTE:The Ducati” was right.

Congrats, dick.

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Asshat of the Week Award: Banc of America

 

Friday, May 11, 2007

In an unprescedented move, “The Fly” is awarding an entire bank one big fucking asshat award– for hiring William Ho, analyst from Piper Jaffrey.

In short, Banc of America wooed William Ho, from “Piker Jackme,” back in 2006. As a result, Mr. Ho released this gem, on April 24th, 2007:

Dendreon: Provenge approval likely as politics is a factor; efficacy a question – BofA (16.78 ) -Update : Banc of America anticipates an approval decision on Provenge by May 15th, under the condition of completing the Ph III IMPACT trial, and expect potential stock price appreciation in the near term. They understand that DNDN is well prepared for a potential launch and believe Provenge can be out on the market by late 2007. If approved, the firm sees potential upside to their price tgt to $29 (current tgt is $20), and if an approvable letter is received potential downside to $6.

Asshat!

Although Mr. Ho tried to check his bullishness for DNDN with a cautionary $6 downside target, it is obvious he was drinking the DNDN beer.

Since then, the stock is down an amazing 70%, inside 3 weeks.

Hence, BofA deserves the “Asshat of the Week Award,” for hiring William Ho, who just destroyed their entire biotechnology research department.

Nice.

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Asshat of the Week Award: Bed Bath and Beyond

 

Tuesday, June 05, 2007

The reason why Bed Bath and Beyond (BBBY) missed earnings, for the first time in company history, is because they are stupid.

Case in point: They started a chain of stores called “Christmas Tree Shop.”

So, during the Christmas season, I walk into one of these stores and guess what? There were no fucking Christmas decorations or Tree’s to buy. Trust me when I tell you, no one visits these idiotic stores.

I thought to myself, not knowing BBBY owned them: “this fucking store will be bankrupt inside of one year.”

I mean, why name the fucking store, “Christmas Tree Shop” if you have no intention of selling, umm, Christmas Tree’s?

Asshat.

In short, Christmas Tree Shops are 10,000 square foot, glorified 99 cent store’s. Furthermore, whoever came up with the idea to name a store “Christmas Tree Shop,” while excluding fucking Christmas tree’s from the store’s inventory should be shitcanned or given a gigantic Asshat Award.

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Asshat of the Week Award: LNN Shorts

 

Friday, June 22, 2007

Seriously, why would anyone short a company that makes irrigation systems, as commodity prices shoot through the roof and fresh water supplies, worldwide, dwindle?

Answer: Because they’re fucking asshats.

For the first time in “Fly history,” I am awarding the “Asshat of the Week Award” to an entire group of investors, LNN shorts. 28% of LNN‘s float is sold short.

After a mind boggling 15 point run, in two weeks, they have earned it.

NOTE: Bearshitter was runner up with his HANS pan. Oh, and Guy “toast my face” Adami did a shitty job defending the HANS story yesterday, on national television. He came in third place.

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Asshat of the Week Award: Tom Au

 

Wednesday, October 24, 2007

In an unprecedented move, “The Fly” has ordered an extra shiny trophy, made in China (lots of lead involved in production), to be delivered to a man named “Tom Au,” who is well deserving of this weeks “Asshat of the Week award.”

This man just took out his calculator and declared the DOW will go to 6,000.

He rambles:

But valuations since 1991 (like the 1920s) have reflected a “new world order” of American political dominance that is now being eroded by troubles in the Middle East and elsewhere, and a highly leveraged “new economy” that is looking flimsier by the day. By calling for stocks to return to prewar valuations, I’m stating my belief that the elevated profit margins, returns on equity and earnings growth of the past 15 years that supported recent valuations were a historical aberration, and that a decade (or more) of U.S. stock market progress is about to be wiped out.

Now that’s the type of market call “The Fly” respects, yet throws mashed potatoes at.

Fuck the bears who call for the average 10-20% dip. Tom Au is showing you, via elementary mathematical models, how the DOW can ‘shave off’ 55% of its value, in fairly short order.

Asshat!

What a wonderful world of silliness Mr. Tom Au lives in.

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Asshat of the Week Award: James Cramer

 

Monday, February 26, 2007

Hey, someone has to get this fucking award, why not Cramer? Last thing I need is for these asshat awards to start stacking up in my basement. I need to get these fuckers out the door.

Anyway, with the big dick-swingers from KKR eating TXU whole, someone is sure to look incredibly stupid. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, that man happens to be the Mad Money guru himself– Jim Cramer.

Let’s rehash:

On November 16, 2006, Jim’s “Mad Money” opinion of TXU was bearish.

Cramer was bearish on Hewitt Associates (HEW), Men’s Wearhouse (MW), TXU (TXU), Pacific Sunwear (PSUN), Amazon (AMZN), Abercrombie & Fitch (ANF), Genesis Microchip (GNSS) and Target (TGT).

On November 9th, 2006, Jim’s “Mad Money” opinion of TXU was bearish.

Cramer was bearish on Crystallex (KRY), SanDisk (SNDK), InterContinental Exchange (ICE), TXU (TXU), Frontier Oil (FTO), Ahold (AHO), Senomyx (SNMX), DSW (DSW), Kinross Gold (KGC).

However, just a day earlier, on November 8th, 2006, Jimmy was bullish on TXU. Such “flip-floppery” is unacceptable, and frankly– very “asshatish.”

Cramer was bullish on UAL (UAUA), Level 3 Communications (LVLT), Halliburton (HAL), Genentech (DNA), Amgen (AMGN), Celgene (CELG), Quest Software (QSFT), Transocean (RIG), Bema Gold (BGO), Yamana Gold (AUY), TXU (TXU).

NOTE: TXU‘s earnings came out on Nov 7th. Therefore, if he wanted to go bearish, Nov. 8th was the day to do it– not 9th. While it’s true, such small details escape those with “goat-brains”– it doesn’t vamoose “The Fly.”

Hence, the early Asshat of the week award goes to Jim Cramer.

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Asshat of the Week Award: John Thain

 

Friday, March 02, 2007

I am sure John Thain aka “The American Psycho” has pristine business cards and perfectly ironed handkerchief’s. But, he also has lazy ass robots on the NYSE– fucking up trading days. In short, this man has replaced real men for internet robots. As a result, when the market crashed through the floor boards on Tuesday, the fucking robots went haywire, maybe a short circuit or something, resulting in the DOW nearly doubling its losses–in about 2 seconds. Talk about an orderly market!

Thain certainly does not give you that.

Pure asshattery. John Thain has earned this fucking trophy, with his internet robots and mechanical-like presence.

Perhaps he is a fucking robot too?

Congrats.

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Asshat of the Week Award: Allan Greenspan

 

Friday, May 25, 2007

I’ve been waiting to give this man an “Asshat Award,” ever since the internets was invented.

When Greenspan was Fed Chairman, I hated him. I felt he was out to get me– with his dire predictions and fucktarded interest rate policy.

I remember when the dot com bubble popped and all “Greendick” could offer me was another interest rate hike. He, single handedly, expedited the market crash, by tightening until everyone choked.

Long story short: Fuck Greenspan and his new warnings of pending doom in China or recession in the U.S.

Asshat!

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