HAPPY BLACK MONDAY ANNIVERSAY DAY!

What a joyous occasion for so many of you flesh eating ball kickers.

Remember the good times when markets rolled and then rolled some more.

Its been a rough couple of month’s for Randall, as he hem and hawed over his lost fortunes, likely playing with his pet birds of prey, partaking in human anatomy experiments and things of that nature.

It’s important for you to know that “The Fly” was an arch advocate of Mr. Kirk last year, having bought his stock, XON, in the mid teens. I sold out and the stock doubled, only to come crashing back down in the great biotech debacle of 2015.

This is where I draw the line. Great biotech routs should always preclude the likes of great men, such as Randall. It is his god given right to enjoy the fruits of labor, bask in the glory of research, and to lead the life his was meant to lead.

In other words, I bought XON.

Congressman Boyle just tweeted that Joe “Einstein” Biden will run for President.

You have no idea how happy this makes me. Biden is one of the funniest people on the planet, without really knowing it. Plus, he looks like George Washington.

Oh you’re worried about his politics? Stop pretending your vote matters and accept that the Order of the Cinncinatus and House Dupont selects our Presidents for us, for they know more and work tirelessly to protect the empire of the United States, ensuring that the immigrant plebian class here do not interrupt their plans.

I remember the housing boom of 2005. This is not a 2005-like environment.

For one, my neighbors aren’t flipping homes. And, secondly, the number one gauge of a kick ass homebuilder market, the stocks of homebuilders, have been sucking wind–down 10% over the past 6 month.

Neverthless, the jackasses at the NAHB continue their doublespeak.

“This upward momentum shows that our industry is strengthening at a gradual but consistent pace,” David Crowe, chief economist at NAHB, said in a statement. “With firm job creation, economic growth and the release of pent-up demand, we expect housing to keep moving forward as we start to close out 2015.”

There are 3 homebuilder stocks that have shown outperformance over the past three months: NVR, CVCO and DHI. Both KBH and WLH are the most heavily shorted, with more than 25% of their respective floats sold short.

Just when you thought the IPO pipeline was dead, lo and behold the market went and rallied last week, leaving it wide open for a bunch of new fuckers to take advantage of it.

Brace yourselves. I know you’re chomping at the bit, dying to allocate clients, receive that concession you so eagerly deserve.

Higher

M&A news: CCG +19.7% (acquired by Harrison Street Real Estate Capital for $7.03/share, or ~$1.9 bln), PMCS +13.3% (MSCC proposes to acquire PMCS for $11.50/share, or ~$2.4 bln; says $SWKS bid sucks balls and theirs is the shit), DBD +3.3% (whatever).

WTW +58.9% (Fat lady named Oprah bought 10% and has option to buy another 5), CPXX +9.6% (FDA shit), ZFGN +9.1% (dead cat bounce), PLX +7.8% (positive data), OCN +7.5% (paying down a little debt; big fucking deal, right?), PLUG +5.6% (no one gives a shit), TSYS +2.6% (blah, blah, blah), DB +2.5% (German bullshit), NAT +2.5% (CRAMER PUMP), TKC +1.7% (mystery!).

Lower:

In reaction to disappointing earnings/guidance: MS -4.5% (fucked), VRX -2.3% (raises guidance; fucked nonetheless).

GNCA -32.2% (phase 2 fails; fucked), GLDD -15.6% (withdraws guidance; in other words, fucked), SDRL -5.8% (whatever), PBR -3.7% (they suck), ZINC -2.8% (miners fucked), FCX -2.4% (fucked), SUNE -2.2% (mystery;fucked)

Analyst comments: UBNT 3.3% (downgraded to shit at JMP Securities), ORCL -1.4% (downgraded to fucked at Pacific Crest), TEF -1.3% (downgraded to horrible from fucked at Credit Suisse), STX -1.1% (downgraded to blah from tits at Susquehanna).

Larry does it again.

It’s all bullshit anyway.

Chinese GDP came in at 6.9% v 6.8% expectations. Services now makes up more than 51%, which bodes well for our companies who sell crap to Chinese people. Chinese retail sales rose by 10.9% last month. On the other hand, Chinese industrials continue to struggle, which is why commodities have been stuck in a bear market. .

Copper, gold and oil haven’t moved on this data, nor have US futures.

In my opinion, these numbers are good enough to keep the Chinese boogeyman out from US closets, trying to scare the shit out of us while we’re trying to sleep.

That was fucking good. Admit it.

This is the week we rally. Bears will be humiliated again, stuffed into ‘fag boxes‘, then summarily kicked into outer space, never to be heard from again. “The Fly” is a champion of a bull’d up market, casting aside worried and panics as if they were childish theatre.

Everything is set for a fanatical run to the upside. Rates are low. Oil is firming. Biotech is bouncing. Shorts are feeling pressure to cover.

This is how I will play it, very simply (SPY is +4 since Exodus‘ oversold signal on Wednesday, by the way).

Being that I am 95% long, with very little in the way of fucks given, here are my top 5 positions.

BIDU

GILD

TWTR

SLCA

SHAK

Notice how I am not partaking in grave depravity, attempting to hit grand slams with no one on base. Being +15% for the year, I am merely looking for another 10% of upside, at which point I will then retire in the mountains of Romania, running amongst the goats and the rams–naked and feely without inhibitions.

Fred and his ilk enjoy to deposit companies that lose grotesque amounts of money, trading for 30x sales, on the public markets. The reason why the VCs do this is the same reason why you and I trade the stock market: for money. Like a boiler room stocked broker or a manager of an elaborate ponzi scheme, for the most part, the venture capital business is one giant scheme.

With that being said, here is the scheme leaderboard, the Crunchbase Unicorn Leaderboard of fuckery list. The grande total valuation is a touch over $524 billion, with over $77 billion raised.

Here they are, the mothefuckers that are gonna IPO through Morgan and Goldman at high as fuck valuations. You’re gonna get a hard on to buy them, due to all of the publicity. Then you’ll buy some in the after market, because you’re too much of a piker to get an allocation, and you’re gonna get Zynga’d. Your whole face is gonna get blown off in one of these things. They’re like dynamite sticks inside of a hornet’s nest, disguised as a harem with chocolate cake and lots of free money.

Fuck the unicorns.

(valuations over $2.5b)

Company
Post Money Value
Valuation Change
Total Equity Funding
Known Lead Investors
Country
Market

Uber
TechCrunch Coverage
$51B
Sep 2015 +24% $6.6B
First Round (Angel)
Benchmark (Series A)
Menlo Ventures (Series B)
Google Ventures (Series C)
Fidelity Investments (Series D)
Baidu (Private Equity)
USA Consumer Internet

Xiaomi
TechCrunch Coverage
$45B
Apr 2015 – $1.1B
IDG Capital Partners (Series A)
Morningside Group (Series A)
Morningside Group (Series B)
Morningside Group (Series C)
Ratan Tata ()
CHN Hardware

Airbnb
TechCrunch Coverage
$25.5B
Jun 2015 +143% $2.3B
Sequoia Capital (Seed)
Andreessen Horowitz (Series B)
Founders Fund (Series C)
General Atlantic (Private Equity)
Hillhouse Capital Group (Private Equity)
Tiger Global Management (Private Equity)
USA Consumer Internet

Palantir Technologies
TechCrunch Coverage
$20B
Jul 2015 +6% $1.6B
Founders Fund (Series D)
USA Software

Didi Kuaidi
TechCrunch Coverage
$17.4B
Sep 2015 – $4.4B
GSR Ventures (Series A)
Tencent Industry Win-Win Fund (Series B)
Temasek Holdings (Series D)
SoftBank (Venture)
CHN Consumer Internet

Snapchat
TechCrunch Coverage
$15.34B
May 2015 +45% $1.19B
Lightspeed Venture Partners (Seed)
Benchmark (Series A)
Institutional Venture Partners (IVP) (Series B)
Coatue Management (Series C)
Kleiner Perkins Caufield & Byers (Series D)
Alibaba (Series E)
USA Consumer Internet

Flipkart
TechCrunch Coverage
$15B
Jul 2015 +34% $3.2B
Accel (Series A)
Tiger Global Management (Series C)
Naspers (Series D)
DST Global (Series F)
Tiger Global Management (Series G)
Naspers (Series G)
IND E-Commerce

Space Exploration Technologies
TechCrunch Coverage
$12B
Jan 2015 – $1.25B
Founders Fund (Series A)
Draper Fisher Jurvetson (DFJ) (Series D)
USA Aerospace and Defense

Pinterest
TechCrunch Coverage
$11.2B
May 2015 +113% $1.32B
Bessemer Venture Partners (Series A)
Andreessen Horowitz (Series B)
Rakuten (Series C)
Valiant Capital Partners (Series D)
Fidelity Investments (Series E)
SV Angel (Series F)
USA Consumer Internet

Dropbox
TechCrunch Coverage
$10.35B
Jan 2014 +144% $600M
Sequoia Capital (Series A)
Index Ventures (Series B)
BlackRock (Series C)
USA Software

WeWork
TechCrunch Coverage
$10B
Jun 2015 +100% $1B
Goldman Sachs (Series D)
T. Rowe Price (Series D)
Wellington Management (Series D)
USA Real Estate

Lufax
$9.69B
Apr 2015 – $485M
BlackPine Private Equity Partners (Venture)
CHN Financial Services

Theranos
TechCrunch Coverage
$9B
Jun 2014 – $92M – USA Healthcare

Spotify
TechCrunch Coverage
$8.53B
Jun 2015 – $1.06B
Founders Fund (Series C)
Goldman Sachs (Series E)
Technology Crossover Ventures (Series F)
SWE Consumer Internet

ZhongAn
$8B
Jun 2015 – $931M – CHN Financial Services

DJI
TechCrunch Coverage
$8B
May 2015 +391% $105M
Sequoia Capital (Series A)
Accel (Series B)
CHN Hardware

Meituan.com
TechCrunch Coverage
$7B
Jan 2015 – $1.07B
Sequoia Capital (Series A)
Alibaba (Series B)
General Atlantic (Series C)
CHN E-Commerce

Square
TechCrunch Coverage
$6B
Apr 2015 +74% $591M
Sequoia Capital (Series B)
Kleiner Perkins Caufield & Byers (Series C)
GIC (Series E)
USA Financial Services

Ola
TechCrunch Coverage
$5B
Sep 2015 +107% $902M
Tiger Global Management (Series A)
Sequoia Capital (Series C)
Steadview Capital (Series C)
SoftBank Capital (Series D)
DST Global (Series E)
Falcon Edge Capital (Series F)
IND Consumer Internet

Coupang
TechCrunch Coverage
$5B
Jun 2015 +100% $1.4B
Sequoia Capital (Venture)
BlackRock Private Equity Partners (Private Equity)
SoftBank (Private Equity)
KOR E-Commerce

Stem CentRx
$5B
Sep 2015 – $474M
Fidelity Investments (Series G)
USA Healthcare

Stripe
TechCrunch Coverage
$5B
Jul 2015 – $190M
Y Combinator (Seed)
Sequoia Capital (Series A)
General Catalyst Partners (Series B)
Founders Fund (Series C)
Thrive Capital (Series C)
USA Financial Services

Snapdeal
TechCrunch Coverage
$4.8B
Aug 2015 +83% $1.6B
Nexus Venture Partners (Series A)
Kalaari Capital (Series A)
Bessemer Venture Partners (Series B)
eBay (Series C)
Recruit Holdings (Series C)
SoftBank Capital (Venture)
eBay (Series D)
Ratan Tata (Venture)
SoftBank Internet and Media (SIMI) (Private Equity)
Foxconn Technology Group (Private Equity)
SoftBank (Private Equity)
Alibaba (Private Equity)
IND E-Commerce

Zenefits
TechCrunch Coverage
$4.5B
May 2015 – $584M
Maverick Capital (Seed)
Venrock (Seed)
Andreessen Horowitz (Series A)
Institutional Venture Partners (IVP) (Series B)
Fidelity Investments (Series C)
TPG (Series C)
USA Software

Cloudera
TechCrunch Coverage
$4.1B
Sep 2014 – $1.04B
Accel (Series A)
Meritech Capital Partners (Series C)
Ignition Partners (Series D)
Accel (Series E)
T. Rowe Price (Series F)
USA Software

Dianping
TechCrunch Coverage
$4.05B
Mar 2015 – $1.04B – CHN Consumer Internet

Credit Karma
TechCrunch Coverage
$3.5B
Jun 2015 +250% $368M
QED Investors (Series A)
Susquehanna Growth Equity (Series B)
Ribbit Capital (Series B)
Google Capital (Series C)
USA Financial Services

Global Fashion Group
TechCrunch Coverage
$3.45B
Jul 2015 +12% $167M
Rocket Internet (Venture)
Investment AB Kinnevik (Venture)
LUX E-Commerce

Atlassian
TechCrunch Coverage
$3.3B
Apr 2014 – $210M
Accel (Secondary Market)
T. Rowe Price (Secondary Market)
AUS Software

Meizu
TechCrunch Coverage
$3.3B
Feb 2015 – $890M
Alibaba (Private Equity)
CHN Hardware

Fanatics
TechCrunch Coverage
$3.17B
Aug 2015 – $395M
Insight Venture Partners (Private Equity)
Silver Lake Partners (Private Equity)
USA E-Commerce

Delivery Hero
TechCrunch Coverage
$3.11B
Jun 2015 +41% $1.39B
Kite Ventures (Series C)
Kite Ventures (Series D)
Phenomen Ventures (Series D)
Insight Venture Partners (Series E)
Luxor Capital Group (Series F)
Insight Venture Partners (Series G)
Kite Ventures (Series G)
Rocket Internet (Venture)
DEU Consumer Internet

Legendary Entertainment
$3B
Oct 2014 – $1.01B
SoftBank Capital (Private Equity)
USA Entertainment

SoFi
TechCrunch Coverage
$3B
Sep 2015 – $1.42B
Baseline Ventures (Series B)
Discovery Capital (Series C)
Third Point Ventures (Series D)
SoftBank (Series E)
USA Financial Services

VANCL
$3B
Feb 2014 – $570M
Lei Jun (Venture)
CHN E-Commerce

Jawbone
TechCrunch Coverage
$3B
Apr 2015 +0% $726M
BlackRock (Private Equity)
USA Hardware

Wish
TechCrunch Coverage
$3B
Jun 2015 – $579M
Formation 8 (Series B)
GGV Capital (Series B)
Founders Fund (Series C)
USA E-Commerce

Ele.me
TechCrunch Coverage
$3B
Aug 2015 – $1.1B
Sequoia Capital (Series C)
Tencent Holdings (Series E)
Hualian (Series F)
CITIC Capital Holdings (Series F)
CHN Consumer Internet

HelloFresh
TechCrunch Coverage
$3B
Sep 2015 – $278.5M
Phenomen Ventures (Series C)
Insight Venture Partners (Series D)
Rocket Internet (Series E)
Baillie Gifford (Series F)
DEU Consumer Internet

DocuSign
TechCrunch Coverage
$3B
May 2015 – $508M
Scale Venture Partners (Series C)
Brookside Capital (Series F)
Bain Capital Ventures (Series F)
USA Software

Moderna Therapeutics
$2.95B
Jan 2015 – $675M
Flagship Ventures (Venture)
Alexion Pharmaceuticals (Venture)
USA Healthcare

Bloom Energy
TechCrunch Coverage
$2.83B
Jan 2015 -1% $1.11B – USA Energy

Slack
TechCrunch Coverage
$2.8B
Apr 2015 +126% $340M
SV Angel (Seed)
Accel (Series A)
Social Capital (Series C)
Kleiner Perkins Caufield & Byers (Series D)
Google Ventures (Series D)
Social Capital (Series E)
USA Software

Powa Technologies
TechCrunch Coverage
$2.78B
Nov 2014 – $177M
Wellington Management (Series A)
Wellington Management (Series C)
GBR Financial Services

Vice Media
TechCrunch Coverage
$2.55B
Sep 2014 – $570M – USA Consumer Internet

Lyft
TechCrunch Coverage
$2.5B
May 2015 +12% $1.01B
fbFund (Seed)
K9 Ventures (Seed)
FLOODGATE (Seed)
Mayfield Fund (Series A)
Founders Fund (Series B)
Andreessen Horowitz (Series C)
Coatue Management (Series D)
Rakuten (Series E)
Icahn Enterprises (Series E)
USA Consumer Internet