Morons United: Bitcoin Surges 25%, TODAY

Just to be clear what Bitcoin represents:

VC backed crypto-currency, which is video game bux that is either “mined” by computers, solving riddles, or purchased by persons who think it’s a good idea to exchange actual currency backed by central banks for video game bux–because one day homes, cars and stuff at the grocery stores can be purchased with it.

Why will this happen?

Well, because everyone hates central bank shenanigans and fiat currency isn’t real, THAT’S WHY (removes V for Vendetta mask)!

Do you know what’s real?

VIDEO GAME BUX!
1 month chart of Bitcoin

UPDATE: The Russians are always to blame, born villains.

Broken down by the 8 principle sectors, courtesy of Exodus.

Honest to zeus, the bloomberg article that I read made it sound like Carl had an interest in VRX. Considering he is already long one accounting scam in HLF, I posited, in correctly, that Carl must be jonesing to get a piece of Ackman’s VRX positions.

Fucking Wrong. And fuck you main stream media.

Watch the interview and see for yourself (around the 14:00 mark). He shits on Valeant and says they’re over-stating earnings, ridiculously.

He also went on to say we’re on the precipice of disaster. But I’ll leave that comment for another time.

Who knows what sort of parlour tricks Carl is up to? We do know he is diabolically opposed to just about anything Bill Ackman says, save that really cool legal insider trading win in AGN.

Tonight, Mr. “Give me three seats on your fucking board” Icahn hinted that he might have an interest in VRX.

“I’m not in Valeant, well, I don’t want to say I’m not completely in it but I’m not going to tell you where I am with it.”

If this turns about to be true, I am almost certain VRX will catapult higher by at least 20%, immediately followed by a giant explosion that will eliminate all forms of human life on earth.

CORRECTION: Please disregard this article.

But know that you deserve better. The commodity sector is wholly overbought in Exodus and I am anticipating a sharp pullback in many soon-to-be bankrupt oil and gas names.

I made more than 0.8% today, only held back by the conservative catamites (is there even such a thing?) at COST. Still, “The Fly” is perpetual and ever lasting, like mumma rah.

A little house keeping in the new Peanut Gallery. I had to fire someone due to him not even showing up to work. What sort of egregious shit is that. In his stead, I anointed @dyer440 to the role, who will be more than capable of helping out the ham and eggers out there, attempting to avoid bankrupting themselves amidst all of this market tumult.

Note: we added a little email widget at the bottom of my articles. Be sure to use it to email your retarded friends and family. Thanks for reading.

With a portion of my proceeds, which were safely placed inside of a Federally insured money market account, I purchased the brain and resources of world famous hedge fund manager, Bill Ackman, for a little more than $12.30.

Pershing Square owns more than 20% of PAH, which has done nothing but knife them in the face, over the past several months. With the Citron guy publicly humiliating himself on national television, regarding his VRX short, I sense a shift in the winds coming. I am sensing, using my sixth sense that was gifted to me upon birth, passed onto me, dating back 15 generations of Irish and English warriors, a vengeance of a biblical nature emanating from Mr. Ackman’s plush NYC offices.

Making fun of Bill is easy to do, fun, and exhilarating. Betting against him for an extended period of time is life ruining, absurd, and wholly unsuitable for persons interested in keeping their net worth above $00.00.

Remember the agony you felt at 4am, watching stupid chinese stocks careen lower.

I am removing some of my risk from the table now. I sold out of NK and XON (both for massive gains) and tossed the proceeds in a Federally insured money market account, yielding peanuts.

I am very interested in smoking one more bowl of the crack smoke, however. At the moment, I am looking for some choice short squeeze ideas.

DEVELOPING…

Trump is out talking shit about Yellen today, which is perfectly all right, as long as he doesn’t go off the rails and suggest we jack rates higher.

“Janet Yellen is highly political, and she’s not raising rates for a very specific reason – because Obama told her not to,” the Republican presidential candidate said at a press conference in New York. “Because he wants to be out playing golf in a year from now … he doesn’t want to see a bubble burst during his administration.”

Oh shit, wait. What?

I like Dondald Trump, but for reasons that worry me. I actually own a Trump apprentice action figure doll. I bought it years ago so that I could press the button to make Donald fire people for me. I’ve read one of his books and think he’s a good businessman, including his crazy eyed bankruptcies on Wall Street that ruined so many morons who were attracted to the Trump brand.

I marvel at the fact that southerners, who innately hate yankee New Yorkers, are supporting him–just because they are out of options. Trump is like a soundboard of the American disgruntled. I think, for me, he represents a certain anarchy that naturally appeals to me, which probably isn’t good for the stock market, but excellent for financial news, however.

Look, building gigantic fucking walls, telling the Chinese to fuck their mothers, and jacking up interest rates isn’t exactly a recipe for “making America great again.” These are all cool things, especially when afforded the liberties of thinking they will never actually happen. But Trump is ahead in the polls and we both know that lunatic Dr. Carson doesn’t stand a chance.

We may need to begin formulating what a Trump presidency means for the S&P 500, which is like the funniest shit in the world; because you know it’s bad.

As you readily know, I added to my XON and FCX positions yesterday, and NK last week. The Gods have blessed me with unparralel success today, through a storm of stock market wins. Any and all persons who bet against my ensemble of stocks were immediately disintergrated and their skeletal remains crushed and placed back into the earth.

“The Fly” is many things, least of which a loser. There are hard, trying times, and then there is this: triumph.

I’d like to tell you that I got lucky, for the sake of your fledgling self esteem. But that’d be a cruel, vicious lie. “The Fly” is anything but cruel and vicious, and a liar.

So, come bask in my glory and attempt to steal some of my magnanimous fervor, passed down to me by ancient laws that were assembled in the beginning of time. My year to date gains have, once again, eclipsed 20%, or 40% higher than Bill’s. I am far from finished and I intend to kick my enemies into sewer pipes for the duration, mind you, of 2015.

Good day.

Bill “Montauk” Ackman lost 7.3% in October and is down around 19% for the year.

With his largest short, HLF, trending higher, and his largest long, VRX, getting raped and pillaged, alongside another billion dollar position in PAH getting face punched daily, I am sure our favorite local hedge fund manager has several tricks up his sleeve.

Ackman tends to blow up after big up years, as was the case when he tried to turn JCP into Apple.

Nevertheless, its been a hard year for many high profile managers. Our thoughts and prayers from iBankCoin go out to these poor lads, inside their 100 million dollar shitboxes.