After Humiliating Themselves in an Oversized $VRX Position, Sequoia is Reopening its Fund to Fresh Meat

The $5 billion fund, down almost 10% for the year, is granting the plebians a very generous request. After year’s of keeping the fund’s door closed to outside money (12/10/13), the pretentious assholes at Sequoia are reopening their completely idiotically managed fund to new investors.

“We’ve had a number of requests from investors who would like to get into the fund at these levels, so we are considering recommending to the board that Sequoia reopen in the proximate future,” manager David Poppe wrote in a letter to shareholders posted on the fund’s website today.

Like morons, they placed like fucking 40% of the fund in VRX, becoming its largest and biggest bagholder. It’s astounding to me to see this fund still open, let alone in a position to accept new money. Their multi-million share VRX position is down 80% since they last declared the position.

Along these lines, VRX is no longer a large position of theirs, since they almost completely wiped out on it. They’re down to the tune of $1.6 billion on it. Now, their big plays are TJX, ORLY and FAST.

Who’s ready to sign up?

In any business, the bottom dross should be culled each spring, in order to water the tree of growth with the blood of the weak. Back in doldrum days of 2002, the brokerage firm by which I was employed would fire 5 lads each Friday.

The process was methodical, almost clinical in its mechanical precision. Until one day they tried to fire one of my crazy friends. The tell if you were going to be fired was they’d ask you to ‘bring your book’ with you into the meeting. Back then, nothing was digital. All transactions and client information was stored inside of a black binder.

They asked John to bring his book to the meeting and he fucking took his shit and ran full speed–the fuck out of there. One of the fat managers chased him down the hall, screaming ‘John, John, come back here, John.’

He was never to be seen again. Last I heard, John tried to run over his girlfriend with an automobile. When the cops arrived at the scene, they asked him ‘what happened here? Was it an accident’? Allegedly and legendarily, he replied ‘no, I tried to run the bitch over.’

Twelve thousand Intel bitches are being run over tonight, as the company announced its intention to cull 11% of its workforce–the most since 2009.

The financial engineering continues. Growth is non-existent, so companies are resorting to share buyback and the confiscation of everyone’s black books to meet and exceed earnings.

Intel is down 2% in the after hours after posting milquetoast earnings.

Don’t look now, but commodities are shooting higher across the board again. The CRB index is higher by 2% today and the raw commodity index inside of Exodus is at 6 mo highs.

We’ve been seeing a hellacious rally in everything D. Gartman used to like since the Feb bottom. The buy of a lifetime was there to be had. Unfortunately, hindsight is 20/20.

The year to date leaders includes coal +38%, silver +22%, gold +18%, lithium +17%, uranium +13% and soybeans up 11%. Not to mention, there has been one heck of a run underway in oil, steel and even wheat, which is higher by 5% over the past week.

Do I believe in this commodity super cycle? Fuck no. It will drown and then die in a watery grave. Nonetheless, this is what the people want. Commodity related stocks are higher by 3.5% today, as the apes in top hats run around throwing shit at one another, pretending to be gentlemen, hedging against an inflation monster that does not exist.

You god damned animals are going to be punished, soon and swiftly. The rally that you chased this morning slowed down and revealed itself to be a fucking four headed monster. Now it’s chasing you. And when it catches you, it is going to root out your guts and turn you inside out.

On the upside, is the clown-heavy silver and gold cabals, both enjoying stupendous gains. Just look at the shares of EXK, AG and FSM and marvel at the splendor of a decadent silver class. On the downside, inexorably, is IBM and the entire biotech and homebuilder sectors. Semis are to the downside as well, with large losses in RMBS, CAVM and moderate sized losses in other stupid stocks like MU and AVGO.

I won’t make a big fuss out of this very minor reduction is wealth from the investor cadre. Nonetheless, just know that I am actively rooting against them, with every fibre of my existence, dating back generations of Celtic tribesmen, running about the green fields in search for potatoes and ale.

The decadence and the immorality running parallel one another like this is indicative that another seal from the gates of hell has been removed. I suspect baby naming agencies are run by demons or wraths, in order to humor themselves with the stupidity of man.

Pray tell me, how can a parent expect to achieve anything with their child is they can’t even name him?

Professional services have popped up in the U.S. and Europe to aid parents with naming their children for a fee. Last year, Marc Hauser, who runs the Switzerland-based naming agency Erfolgswelle, went from solely serving brands to also branding children. His firm charges over $29,000 for every baby it names, devoting two to three weeks and around 100 hours of work to the process. Though Hauser thinks that approaches rating baby names strictly by data (and not emotion) are “overrated,” his firm does check to ensure that a baby name has not already been trademarked. “Even when it’s a little close to an existing brand name, it will not survive,” he said. Historians also vet the name to ensure it goes not have “an aggravating past.” Hauser admits that his own first name, Marc, would never make the cut at his firm because it’s connected to the name of an ancient Roman god of war.

Absolutely ridiculous. A hard reset is coming.

No one gives a shit. The world just wants to be long of crude oil, in any terms possible, even bitcoins.

Post Doha, Russia’s oil minister is talking greasy.

Freed from a plan to coordinate output with OPEC members, Russian officials said Tuesday that the country may boost both production and exports. Output could grow by 100,000 barrels a day to 10.81 million a day in 2016, according to Deputy Energy Minister Kirill Molodtsov.

“And why not?” he said at the National Oil and Gas Forum in Moscow. “It’s possible.

Crude is up 4 or 5% now. I don’t keep track anymore. I’m too busy eating dumplings.

This is a significant blow to ACA aka Obamacare. The nation’s largest healthcare insurance company pulling out of your program has to mean something, no?

Believe me, I’m not one of those rich assholes who praise how awesome and amazing the America medical experience is and how we need to stay the course with high cost premiums and policies. I understand the value of a dollar. But I can tell you, with unequivocal confidence, Obamacare is a wanton failure and works for no one but the outright disheveled and homeless.

There is a systematic attack upon the middle to upper middle class, by the government, in this country. All of you Obama dicksuckers praising the virtues of $1,700 per mo family healthcare should perish in automobile accidents.

Obamacare is untenable in its present form.

UnitedHealth, the nation’s biggest health insurer, will cut its participation in public health insurance exchanges to only a handful of states next year after expanding to nearly three dozen for this year.

CEO Stephen Hemsley said Tuesday that the company expects losses from its exchange business to total more than $1 billion for this year and last. He added that the company cannot continue to broadly serve the market created by the Affordable Care Act’s coverage expansion due partly to the higher risk that comes with its customers.

The state-based exchanges are a key element behind the Affordable Care Act’s push to expand insurance coverage. But insurers have struggled with higher than expected claims from that business.

UnitedHealth Group Inc. said it now expects to lose $650 million this year on its exchange business, up from its previous projection for $525 million. The insurer lost $475 million in 2015, a spokesman said.

UNH is trading at an all time high today.

This, my friends, is a momentous occasion. Who would’ve guessed that I’d be all in short of crude oil, in dollar terms, at the same time that crude oil traded at $44, a level which the infamous D. Gartman said would not happen in his lifetime.

Another seal has been lifted from the gates of hell. A ring of fire will immediately follow the appearance of centaurs rampaging throughout the streets of New Orleans.

Shares of ILMN are getting poleaxed this morning, after blaming Europe for their incompetence.

Everyone is downgrading these losers this morning. People hate the stock and have pushed it down $30, or 18%.

Alas, the wondrous world of biotech.

 Co issues downside guidance, sees 1Q16 revenue of approximately $572 mln vs. $596.8 mln Capital IQ Consensus.
Co states: “Our first quarter results fell short of expectations largely due to lower than expected sales of HiSeq 2500, 3000 and 4000 instruments. Despite this slow start in Q1, we anticipate that our Americas and Asia Pacific regions will meet our expectations for the full year, but that Europe will underperform. As a result, we now project approximately 12% revenue growth for fiscal 2016. Given the disappointing outlook in Europe, we have made management changes in the region and plan to implement a program of actions to achieve our goal of delivering the robust growth we believe the market can support.

Apparently, the vampire squid is really getting hit on all fronts these days, with revenues lower by 40% year over year. If you look at it in the context of how bad Morgan Stanley’s report was, with revenues down 53% yoy, Goldman is doing pretty damn good.

Nevertheless, CEO, Lloyd Blankfein sums of the quarter perfectly.

 “The operating environment … resulted in headwinds across virtually every one of our businesses”

Profits were down 60% for the quarter, yet markets are at all-time highs. Fucking stupid, no?

It’s worth mentioning, last week,  Howard gave us a pretty good heads up at how desperate Goldman is for revenues these days.

Via Briefing.com

• Reports Q1 (Mar) earnings of $2.68 per share, $0.18 better than the Capital IQ Consensus of $2.50; revenues fell 40.3% year/year to $6.34 bln vs the $6.52 bln Capital IQ Consensus.
• Annualized return on average common shareholders’ equity (ROE) was 6.4%.
• Investment Banking
  • Net revenues in Investment Banking were $1.46 billion for the first quarter of 2016, 23% lower than the first quarter of 2015 and 5% lower than the fourth quarter of 2015.
  • Net revenues in Financial Advisory were $771 million, 20% lower compared with a strong first quarter of 2015, reflecting a decrease in completed mergers and acquisitions transactions. Net revenues in Underwriting were $692 million, 27% lower than the first quarter of 2015.
  • Net revenues in debt underwriting were significantly higher compared with the first quarter of 2015, primarily reflecting an increase in investment-grade activity.
  • The firm’s investment banking transaction backlog decreased compared with the end of 2015, but was higher compared with the end of the first quarter of 2015.
• Institutional Client Services
• Net revenues in Institutional Client Services were $3.44 billion for the first quarter of 2016, 37% lower than the first quarter of 2015 and 20% higher than the fourth quarter of 2015.
  • Net revenues in Fixed Income, Currency and Commodities Client Execution were $1.66 billion for the first quarter of 2016, 47% lower compared with a strong first quarter of 2015.
  • Net revenues in Equities were $1.78 billion for the first quarter of 2016, 23% lower than the first quarter of 2015. The decrease in equities client execution reflected significantly lower net revenues in both cash products and derivatives.
• Expenses
• Operating expenses were $4.76 billion for the first quarter of 2016, 29% lower than the first quarter of 2015 and 23% lower than the fourth quarter of 2015.
  • The accrual for compensation and benefits expenses was $2.66 billion for the first quarter of 2016, 40% lower than the first quarter of 2015, reflecting a decrease in net revenues.
  • The ratio of compensation and benefits to net revenues for the first quarter of 2016 was 42.0%, unchanged compared with the first quarter of 2015.
• Non-compensation expenses were $2.10 billion for the first quarter of 2016, 6% lower than the first quarter of 2015 and 49% lower than the fourth quarter of 2015.
  • The decrease compared with the first quarter of 2015 reflected lower other expenses, primarily due to lower net provisions for litigation and regulatory proceedings and lower expenses.
• Book value per common share was $173.00 and tangible book value per common share was $163.54, both 1% higher compared with the end of 2015.

GS is down a mere 1% in the pre-market.