Update From NYC

I am not there, so I get to skip over the apocalypse. Hurricane Irene is about to descend upon NYC at 950mb. In other words, this shit is going to fuck up my house, which stands on an island, slightly above sea level.

Last night I packed the bags and headed west to central Pennsylvania, where I am now mingling amongst the Amish, building dressers and shit. I just got off the phone with my retarded sister, who happens to be in a mandatory evacuation zone, who has decided with her boyfriend to “tough it out” with sub pumps and shit.

In the words of the great Shepherd (sp?) Smith, “you better know how to swim for a long, long time.”

I will be domiciled in central PA indefinitely, because I am not interested in being inconvenienced by power outtages or floods. Although my house is not in a flood zone, I fully expect it to be swept away by random and insidious tornadoes. I told my wife and kids, “the house is as good as gone. Let’s go live amongst the Amish.”

Fuck this shit. I can buy 10 more houses tomorrow and 100 new ones in this greatly depressed area of central PA.

If you are braving the storm in NYC, you’re a fucking ape and deserve to swim.

Let today serve as proof, once again, that Plutonium Petey zips through the sky in fucking space ships and crushes U.S. equity markets with absolute finality. While many out there got blown the fuck out during this recent sell off, I managed to pull rabbits out of my magic top hat and surge to annual highs, now +15%.

All of my positions are soaring and I still hold a 23% cash position. I intend, during the next PPT Overbought signal, to lighten up and celebrate vis a vis champagne and beluga caviar. So you know, none of you are invited to accompany me during such an occasion.

As some of you fuck up your portfolios, short banks like an extra special bearshitter, I am here to inform you, without equivocation, this market is going the fuck higher.

Mostly everyone got it wrong because they were scared. I am not hating on people who traded this tape wrong. However, I am calling out all of the dicksuckers who were so smug and giving me shit as the market knifed lower.

A great man once said “The Fly wins all the time, especially when he appears he is losing badly.” I believe such a line is preserved for days like today. Perhaps you should remember it for future reference.

Into the bell, I am not selling anything.

I am up over 4.5% right now, led by insane gains in DECK, WNR, VHC and GSVC. All of you small children who went into today short stock, thinking there was nothing THE GRAND EXALTED BEARDED CLAM could do, are now subject to bowling pins bouncing off your dog-brained head. Ben is throwing them shits at you, whilst puffing on his blunt, saying “I told you bitches I was gonna get you.”

“The Fly”, once again, reigns supreme over you goat fuckers, pushing ALL-TIME HIGHS, now up almost 15% year to date, off by only 1% from annual highs. I’ve been taught no lessons because I already knew the outcome. It’s winship on an industrial scale here, folks. Clearly, I’m not fucking around and I’m definitely not taking prisoners.

The PPT flagged OVERBOUGHT on 8/24, ask my members. Intra-day, it flagged OVERSOLD, with a score of 2.45, signaling a buy with both hands and cock. This is what some call SHOMP. I call it a sublime harmony of mathematical precision. None of you clowns are doing it like me and you know it.

In closing, “The Fly” is talking shit on a grande scale because he can.

I will be busy until mid-afternoon, but will be checking in throughout the morning. Have at it and try to avoid stepping into egregious murderholes.

What sort of fuckery was today? Buffett buys BAC shares, DAX flash crashes and our market dives lower ahead of Ben Bernanke’s speech tomorrow. Frankly, the drama, well, it’s too much. On top of that, Hurricane Irene is barreling towards NYC, threatening to fuck up my house. None of this shit makes any sense to me, seriously. The only thing that keeps me sane is my little PPT, where mathematical precision takes a front seat.

As of 3:41 pm, I am +1.5% for the day, so I’m really not feeling all desperate and shit like the rest of you tech buyers. Nevertheless, this is a dreadful, absolutely horrific, tape.

My only solace is knowing the refiners’ future has never looked better. Oh, by the way, I just sold out of that idiot MTG for a quick .17 loss. Preposterous.

Into the bell, I am just sort of sitting here in awe of this sell off, grateful that I am not bearing its brunt. However, there is always tomorrow! Plenty of time to make up for today’s miss then.

See you fuckers later.

UPDATE: I added to VHC.

I bought 10,000 MTG @ $2.45.

Disclaimer: If you buy MTG because of this post, your wife will find out you are cheating and cut your cock off. And, you may lose money.

That fucking bastard of a hurricane, the DEACON OF DEATH Irene, has radar on my ass and is gunning for NYC now. Remember, I was just in Turks and Caicos and missed her punches by just one day. It was, seemingly, the perfect trade. However, as fate would have it, mother nature has a bone to pick with me, rightfully so. I’ve been a big supporter of natural disasters for many years now, having placed large monetary bets on the sheer destruction of bullshit southern states.

But now she is gunning  for me. What to do?

Well, the good news is, I couldn’t care less about my current living quarters. May she enjoy ripping my house from the foundation and tossing it into the Atlantic. So you know, I’ve already secured dry quarters in central Pennsylvania and will enjoy watching Irene fuck up my house, from the luxury of a very dry and distinguished hotel room.

As this pertains to WNR: BUY, BUY, BUY (No Cramer).

Are you people fucking nuts, selling WNR ahead of a storm that is going to punch NYC in the nose? WOW. This is a refiners wet dream, due to safety of southern refineries, as prices are set to surge. In my estimation, this could be the tipping point for crack spreads, finally forcing asset managers to “get their share” of the billions to be made from fleecing the average shlub at the pump.

Thanks to VHC, GSVC and a benign WNR, I am +1.5% today—putting my year to date gains over 10%.

As per form n-2, GSVC announced investments in Twitter, Groupon and an indirect investment in Zynga, via PJB Fund. In my opinion, this makes GSVC the best way to play the booming private market, hands down. They are pricing a $100 million deal, led by new underwriter, Citigroup—another major upgrade. I realize the market is fucked up here and people don’t know much about GSVC, but this is fantastic news.

Here are GSVC’s current allocations, after investing 82% of capital raised in IPO.

On this news, I am bidding for more shares of GSVC and have executed several orders.

Buffett owns a shitload of insurance, Goldman Sachs and Well Fargo. You need to know that when analyzing the Berkshire investment in Banc of America. If BAC went into full crisis mode, Buffett would have bled out due to his exposure to the aforementioned industries above. So, in many respects, this is a defensive investment for old man Warren. I respect what Warren stands for and can only dream to attain the sort of success he has enjoyed; but I’m not buying BAC because of today’s news.

If anything, the BAC preferred shares look good and worth a buy, if you are into high yielding instruments.

On the plus side, a repeat of 2008 is OFF THE TABLE. I know that might seem like a bold statement; but it really isn’t in the big scheme of things. Banks aren’t supposed to fucking implode. You people have it ingrained in your heads that banks should fail every 3 years. Fucking lunacy. Instead, banks will continue to prod along the bottom, underperforming high growth companies. There is nothing enticing about banks here, with exception to select regionals like SBNY.

Ahead of Jackson Hole tomorrow, I will be sitting on my hands, 70% long, 30% cash. If we dip tomorrow, I will buy more on Monday. If we melt up tomorrow, I will lighten up and raise more cash. At the moment, I am down 0.10%, pretty much a non-event.

Whew, with that Buffett news this morning, I was a bit worried the market would get all crazy and shit and trade up. Thank God we are back to trading “normal,” with German markets flash crashing 5% in minutes and US stocks reversing to the downside, in old school, “fuck you, you’re dead” fashion.

Frankly, I cannot envision myself trading in an environment that doesn’t raise my blood pressure by 50%. This shit keeps me on my toes and is the best!

Sure, my VHC position is spiraling higher, but everything else is getting Clubber Lang’d for no apparent reason other than fickle investors panicking out before “the (Jackson) hole.” Well, this is exactly why my new version of “all in” is 30% cash. I expect the market to correct, following the 2 day bull market that just occurred. Once we go down some more, out of nowhere, we will go up again.

In the meantime, try to sedate yourself between snacks and make sure you’re not on margin, else your accounts will do a flash crash of their own, all the way to $00.00.