A Gentleman’s Guide to a Serene Thanksgiving

Back by popular demand, my previous posts regarding hosting a fine Thanksgiving meal. Since I’ve been a pescatarian the past 6 month’s or so, I’ve added a little something to this year’s feast. The hallways leading to the dining room of my house are festooned with wonderful pictures of turkeys, in order to give my visiting carnivores a true look at what they’re eating. These are some of the photos I printed out and framed.

Under the frames I had the local trophy shop make brass name tags for the pictures.

This one below is Joey.

And this one is Gus.

Ah, let’s not forget your local taxidermist. If you pay him enough, he could make you something grande like this — an actual dead turkey, stuffed and preserved. You know, to set the mood.

Here’s a fine one I found online, sort of menacing. Don’t you think?

Truth be told, I tried to get an actual live turkey placed in my house, caged of course. But it just wasn’t possible. I think it would be a terrific touch for Thanksgiving, looking into the stupid face go Joey as you tear into his face. Wonderful stuff.

A Gentleman’s Guide to Thanksgiving Decorum
Wed Nov 21, 2012 4:28pm 53 53,108 views

I like to consider myself to be an expert in decorum. Lucky for you, I am going to share some of my secrets, in order to help you socialize during tomorrow’s Thanksgiving feast.

When hosting, be sure to address each person who enters your home by their proper surname, even if it’s your mother and father.

Example: “Good afternoon Mr. Thomson. I am so happy you could attend, accompanied by the venerable Mrs. Thomson.”

Immediately have someone fetch their outer-garments, then invite them to your parlour for refreshments.

Example: “Mr. and Mrs Thomson, please join me in the parlour. Can I offer you some wine or perhaps something stronger?”

After your guests have loosened up, serve appetizers and ask that they make a small donation to your favorite charity.

Example: “Mr. Thomson, please have a meatball, they’re delectable. They’re made from kobe. Also, let me offer you an opportunity to be charitable. Are you aware that children in Africa do not celebrate Thanksgiving?” (then proceed with sales pitch)

After you’ve achieved your philanthropic goals, ask everyone to sit and prepare for dinner.

Example: “Gentlemen and ladies in attendance, please join me in the dining area, where we will be serving a freshly slaughtered, organic, free range, stuffed bird, cranned berried sauce and other fine delicacies.”

Once seated and served, ask that everyone join hands to say grace. You will perform this function, and do so with the professional acumen that comes natural to you.

Example: “Dear Turkey Gods, thank you for all of this food on this table. I particularly would like to thank you for inventing cranned berried sauce and stuffing. I will be sure to douse your body with gravy and devour you whole. A-fucking-men.” (apologize to the children immediately)

While at the table, small talk is important. Try to address your guests with respect, but let them know who’s boss. It’s also important to frame your sentences in a way that demands a response, in order to keep the party vibrant.

Example: “Mrs. Thomson, would you be kind enough to pass me the gravy, okay, pal? Mr. Thomson, do you see those biscuits over there? Would you be a champ and get them for me? I greatly appreciate your assistance, thanks skip.”

After dinner, dismiss the women from the table, so that they might clean up. Ask for refreshments too.

Example: “Okay ladies, please allow the men to mingle in bitter solitude for a few moments. Dear (referring to wife), go get us some Port and a box of cigars. Mrs. Thomson, make yourself at home. There are plenty of aprons under the sink, if you need one.”

After you’ve had a nice cigar and some dessert wine, re-invite the ladies to join the men in the drawing room to discuss politics and religion.

Example: “Ladies, if you’re done cleaning up, please join us in the drawing room for casual discussion. Mrs. Thomson, how do you feel about Islam?”

Now it’s time to wind down operations. But it’s important to do so without looking rude. You do not want your guests to feel as if you’re kicking them out.

Make believe your pocket-watch isn’t working, tapping on it, complaining “this darn thing stopped working again. Can anyone be so kind as to tell me what time is it?” After hearing the time, address a guest in a specific manner to make her feel as if she’s intruding, but do so without her knowing it is intentional.

Example: “Mrs. Thomson, do you have many things to do tomorrow morning? My wife has been complaining to me all week about getting an early start on this Black Friday thing. Do you intend to wake up with the roosters and join the frenzy?”

When saying goodbye to your guests, be sure to offer parting compliments, prior to waving your hand as they drive away.

Example: “Thank you so much for dining with us tonight Mr. Thomson. Your wife. Ms. (emphasis on Ms.) Thomson looked especially elegant this evening with her costume. Is this Hermes, Ms. Thomson? (As they drive away, while waving and smiling profusely, yell out “Ciao.”

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How to Comport Oneself as a Guest at a Thanksgiving Dinner Party
Dr. Fly Thu Nov 28, 2013 12:10am EST 33 Comments 3399

Last year we dove into the etiquette required to host a Thanksgiving Dinner party. Now we will address the important matter of comporting oneself as a guest, during the great holiday of Thanksgiving.

Upon arrival, hand the footman answering the door the sweets in your possession, as a gift to the host. You bring them in abundance, whether or not they are diabetic, on strict diets, or allergic to wheat. You bring them, nonetheless.

Example: “Hello Jeffrey (the name of the footman), please take this chocolate cake to the kitchen as a gift for my diabetic mother-in-law.”

After entering the home, be sure to exchange pleasantries with the hosts, both husband and wife. However, feel free to snub everyone else in a sudden act of aloofness.

Example: “Thank you so much for having us in your home (shaking the hand of the male, then kissing the right cheek of the female, keeping a 6 inch distance at all times). Immediately after being received, walk briskly and with purpose to the rear of the house, making believe everyone else were insignificant peasants of an underclass– invisible.

During refreshments, take up some casual conversation with the older looking men. They tend to harbor a great deal of vitriolic hate, since they’re markedly closer to death. It makes for great cocktail entertainement.

Example: “Hello Bill, have you been seeing all of those elderly people getting punched in the face by hyper-active urban students? I believe they call the game ‘knock-out.’ I read somewhere that Obamacare was going to issue free steel masks for the elderly to pre-empt expensive surgeries. Would you wear one?”

When dinner is announced, be sure to avoid sitting across from attractive ladies, as it might get you in unnecessary trouble with your wife during dinner. When the host requests that everyone donate to his charity of choice, due to some sympathetic cause, excuse yourself to the lavatory until after donations are taken.

Example: After hearing the request, call over one of the footmen and ask him to show you where the bathroom is located. “Excuse me William, would you be a sport and show me where you keep the bathroom hidden. I must relieve myself.”

Just before grace is said, ask the host if you could do the honors of offering a few words of thanks. During your brief speech, be sure to plug your company and/or services in a clever way that might appeal to the affluent gents in attendance.

Example: “Dear Lord, please bless these turkeys before they head into our mouths and stomachs.Thank you for allowing my firm (name of company) to excel this year with 30% gains in the stock market for the fifth consecutive year. I am sure we all have things to be thankful for and I felt it would be selfish of me if I didn’t speak my mind on this joyous occasion to let you know how pleased I am with the talents you’ve bestowed upon me. Omen.” (be sure to say “Omen” and not “Amen”, as it suggests better breeding.)

Following dinner, when the females are introduced to the aprons and the men retire to the antechamber for port and cigars, be sure to ally yourself with most aggressive debater, as it will allow you to vanquish the other males without breaking a sweat.

Example: “Bob is right. All of the evidence points towards CNBC being run by a homosexual mafia. Anyone who suggests otherwise, like Bob said, must have something to hide. QED.” (break the ash from your cigar, inadvertently onto the persian rugs below.) “I’m so sorry about that.”

When the ladies have cleaned up and are re-invited into the drawing room, feel free to establish small talk.

Example: “I really feel that if a mother doesn’t nurse a newborn with her own milk, such a mother is failing at her duties and should be replaced. Any father in his right mind knows this goes against the laws of nature and should prevent this abuse from occurring with all of his will.” Other gents chime in “HEAR! HEAR!” rattling their canes onto the floors below.

After several ladies complain about your remarks in disgust, pardon yourself and blame it on the excessive alcohol being served.

Example: “I am very sorry Mrs. Thompson. I believe Bill here has given me too much to drink, as I am not my usual self. TEN THOUSAND APOLOGIES.”

Shortly after, excuse yourself to the restroom and feign sickness. This will allow you to leave early, and avoid boredom.

Example: After coming back from the bathroom, holding your stomach, say “I am very sorry but Margaret and I must be going now, I am feeling rather ill. Perhaps the turkey or the port didn’t agree with me. Thank you so much for this lovely dinner.” Try to add a slight bit of sarcasm towards the end of the last sentence, but not overtly. You do not want to come off as rude.

When the hosts walk with you to the door to see you out, just before kissing the female host goodbye, make believe you’re about to vomit on her–but catch yourself with a clenched fist to the mouth.

Example: “Bill and Diane, I wish we could stay longer. This was lovely. (lean in to kiss Diane goodbye, then let the faux nausea begin!) Oh, my, I am really feeling rather ill and should depart at once. I bid you goodbye.” (tips hat, pushes open door with cane, exits).

MEET TERRIBLE TOM

This is fucking cringeworthy. Guy Adami, who seems like a great guy, hit the streets of Time Square and asked ‘what would you rather own in 5 years, stocks or bitcoins?’

The answers made me want to buy fucking BTC. Talk me down from this ledge. I’ve wasted enough money in my lifetime on harebrained ideas.

You should all be very thankful to Le Fly for providing you with endless hours of entertainment and education. Thus far, I’ve only received 10 emails of gratitude on this Thanksgiving Eve. Feel free to send your note of gratitude to [email protected].

Markets are soft, but do we really care? Turkey Day is upon us and now is the time to be traveling or prepping the house for company. I will have you know, Le Fly makes the best stuffing the world has ever seen and will be partaking in a little culinary expedition tomorrow.

Back to stocks, my hands are tied here. I can and will do nothing ahead of Black Friday and Cyber Monday. I expect markets will plod along here and come to a resolution on Monday. At that point, I will either part with my inverse ETFs or buy MOAR.

My quant trades are rummaging higher today — the complete opposite of my pastiche of gut checks. If I can offer you one candid suggestion on this Thanksgiving Eve: stop trying to be a guru. Trading in and out of stocks is really great and fun — but often a recipe for disaster. Read up on Sharpe ratios and standard deviations and truly start to understand that the long tail approach is preferable to the gyrations of active trading.

Over the next month or so, I will try to get both Sharpe ratios and standard deviations into Exodus, in an attempt to school you clowns on professional asset management.

Look at the uproar in Asia tonight. The Hong Kong is King Kong to the upside by 350. The Shanghai continues to lead world markets, higher by 0.8% — pressing YTD gains of 41%. The NIKKEI is also higher, but not as much as the wonderful Chinese — higher by 0.9%.

Naturally, and it goes without saying, Bitcoins are to the good, higher again, by 1%. It’s all a rounding error by this point — nothing can stop asset prices from barreling higher. Anyone who’s standing in the way of progress will be taken out, beaten, and then shot.

Let’s review some of the small gains in America’s largest of caps.

AAPL +50%
GOOGL +32%
MSFT +36%
FB +58%
AMZN +51%
Dumb Warren Buffett +15%
JNJ +21%

Here is some more interesting data, median gains spread out by market caps (YTD).

Over $100b: +19%
$50-100b: +17.5%
$10-50b: +16.8%
$5-10b: +14.9%
$1-5b: +10.3%
Under $1b: +1%

Looks like Trump is really reigning in that globalism, eh?

How about by sector? Sure, let’s have a look.

Basic Materials -1%
Consumer Goods +12.8%
Financials +8.2%
Healthcare +11%
Industrials +12%
Services +7%
Utilities +12.5%
Technology +22%

Let’s have a look at tech. Looks fascinating.

Median p/s 1.95
Median pe 18.3
Median p/b 2.85

In the beginning of the year, the p/s ratio of tech was 2.11; but because of the ramp in earnings, valuation has come down. In fact, valuation is now at its lowest levels since 2010.

Go figure.

All jokes aside, it’s hard to make a fundamental case for lower stock when earnings look like this.

I was out all day looking at office space, becoming increasingly annoyed at each meeting. Some of these places were nice, albeit a bit pricey. But others were god awful and I’d first be caught dead in them, rather than have to work there. There is never an excuse to work from a place that smells like cats or deprecating wood.

The Nasdaq ripped higher by 77, but breadth was weak. The main players went higher and the hubris is indeed strong in the comments section. Part of that hubris isn’t pure, however, as I suspect a great many of you don’t even own stocks — but come here to play Gordon Gekko. I am amused, believe me (extra Trump) and look forward to hearing from all of you in the future.

iBC used to be a dark place run by a dictator who stifled freedom of speech. But now, well now, it belongs to you — the people. Do as you like — all are welcomed.

Two things went right for me today, actually 3.

HMNY continues to improve.
UCTT is back in lock step with other OLED plays: COHR and OLED.
VUZI, AAL and FIZZ are manifesting higher.

My position in DRIP wasn’t hit today — because oil has already topped. My biotech short, LABD, barely budged and NVDA/BAC shorts performed admirably amidst the melt up. Only two instruments did poorly, VERI and UVXY — the latter being obvious — a VIXTITS instrument. But the former, that was my error. I watched a 30% gain turn into a small loss. There is never an excuse for that brand of carelessness.

I’m nearly done editing part two of my book: Journey into Fear.

Here is a snippet.

Dow +140
Gold +0.66%
Silver +1.2%
TLT +0.6%
Copper +1%
WTI +0.55%
Coffee +0.85%
BTC +1%
ETH +0.86%
DAX +1%

It’s a giant orgy of success, across the board. You should all be very proud of yourselves for achieving these feats of greatness. You have most certainly earned all of this grandeur. We should all bow down before President Trump and thank him, profusely, for his rigging of the stock market higher. It has truly made America greater than it was before. These are the halcyon days of speculation, the time and place that you will remember for the rest of your lives — a time that will both haunt and cause you to harken back as the very best of times.

Congrats.

This has been a market on auto-pilot, which means that most people do not feel like they need help anymore. All you have to do is but XYZ, throw a few logs on the fire, and become wealthy. But the market wasn’t always this way and it will not always be this way.

While the macro has been consistent, the micro has still be volatile. If you’re running money for yourself or others, it’s imperative that you know what you’re buying, when to but it. Pricing and timing if everything, as cliche as that may sound. Having the ability to automatically grade a companies fundamentals is extremely valuable to me — but being able to know when a stock is going to pivot and rush higher is fucking priceless.

Recent pin action in one of my positions, FIZZ, courtesy of Exodus.

The also is flawless over 12 months, 10 day holding period.

Crude is flat, but world markets are gunning higher. Imagine my shock.

S&P futures are +9, Nasdaq +33 and Dow +94, on the eve before the eve of National Festival Day. It’s also just 3 days before National Shopping Day, where all of the Americans head out into the cold to buy complete bullshit for their Coca-Cola sponsored holiday dubbed Christmas.

Meanwhile, the US yield curve continues to flatten, now just 60bps. I’ve read 10 different reasons why this is happening — and agree with none of them. The only reason why the yield curve should flatten is due to a weakening economy. Does it look like the economy is weakening? No. So who knows what’s going on.

All that you need to know is that the Turkey Gods are here, richly and profusely pouring copious amounts of thick gravy down the gullets of Wall Streeters. Feelings and expectations are especially higher, even amongst the disaffected millennial class, who are no longer cast out into the unforgiving cold — because they too are now making grand sums of money in wanton schemes related to crypto-currencies. That market is now worth $240 billion, which is nice and large, but we’d like it to get much bigger — so that it could become a giant snare — trapping a trillion dollars into a venue that’s destined for the fires.

I do expect to get donkey punched with great vigor and tenacity, yet again, in my UVXY — which is, more or less, a running joke now. All of the great and virtuous things about VIX products became meaningless drivel many years ago. Now they’re just lobster cages filled with refuse.

Nonetheless, I have other “irons in the fire” and my quantitative strategies will do wonderful today. I’ll probably celebrate their success this evening over a fine bottle of champagne, preparing the menu for National Festival Day.

News will be skipped over today, as I’ve merely glanced at it myself through the corner of my eyes. It’s irrelevant on this eve before the eve of Thanksgiving.

The sexual harassment allegations continue, with today’s showcase revelations being Charlie Rose and Rep. John Conyers. Over at the Weinstein scandal, upwards of 90 women have come forward, some of whom claimed they were outright raped by the big fat ape.

So you know, Harvey Weinstein is still at large.

This from Buzzfeed tonight — tipped off by Mike Cernovich

Here’s Mike discussing the latest scandal via Periscope.

Congressman John Conyers is a sexual predator, and Paul Ryan covered it all up https://t.co/rHAzX4Hevo

— Mike Cernovich ?? (@Cernovich) November 21, 2017

Michigan Rep. John Conyers, a Democrat and the longest-serving member of the House of Representatives, settled a wrongful dismissal complaint in 2015 with a former employee who alleged she was fired because she would not “succumb to [his] sexual advances.”

Documents from the complaint obtained by BuzzFeed News include four signed affidavits, three of which are notarized, from former staff members who allege that Conyers, the ranking Democrat on the powerful House Judiciary Committee, repeatedly made sexual advances to female staff that included requests for sexual favors, contacting and transporting other women with whom they believed Conyers was having affairs, caressing their hands sexually, and rubbing their legs and backs in public. Four people involved with the case verified the documents are authentic.

And the documents also reveal the secret mechanism by which Congress has kept an unknown number of sexual harassment allegations secret: A grinding, closely held process that left the alleged victim feeling, she told BuzzFeed News, that she had no option other than to stay quiet and accept a settlement offered to her.

“I was basically blackballed. There was nowhere I could go,” she said in a phone interview. BuzzFeed News is withholding the woman’s name at her request, because she said she fears retribution.

Last week the Washington Post reported that the office paid out $17 million for 264 settlements with federal employees over 20 years for various violations, including sexual harassment. The Conyers documents, however, give a glimpse into the inner workings of the Office of Compliance, which has for decades concealed episodes of sexual abuse by powerful political figures

The woman who settled with Conyers launched the complaint in 2014 with Congress’s Office of Compliance alleging that she was fired for refusing his sexual advances and ended up facing a daunting process that ended with a confidentiality agreement in exchange for a $27,111.75 settlement. Her settlement, however, came from Conyers’ office budget rather than the designated fund for settlements.

Congress has no human resources department. Instead, congressional employees have 180 days to report a sexual harassment incident to the Office of Compliance, which then leads to a lengthy process involves counseling, mediation, and requires the signing of a confidentiality agreement before a complaint can go forward.

After this, an employee can choose to take the matter to federal district court, but another avenue is available: an administrative hearing, after which a negotiation and settlement may follow.

In her complaint, the former employee said Conyers repeatedly asked her for sexual favors and often asked her to join him in a hotel room. On one occasion, she alleges that Conyers asked her to work out of his room for the evening, but when she arrived the congressman started talking about his sexual desires. She alleged he then told her she needed to “touch it,” in reference to his penis, or find him a woman who would meet his sexual demands.

She alleged Conyers made her work nights, evenings, and holidays to keep him company.

In another incident, the former employee alleged the congressman insisted she stay in his room while they traveled together for a fundraising event. When she told him that she would not stay with him, she alleged he told her to “just cuddle up with me and caress me before you go.”

“Rep. Conyers strongly postulated that the performing of personal service or favors would be looked upon favorably and lead to salary increases or promotions,” the former employee said in the documents.

Three other staff members provided affidavits submitted to the Office Of Compliance that outlined a pattern of behavior from Conyers that included touching the woman in a sexual manner and growing angry when she brought her husband around.

One affidavit from a former female employee states that she was tasked with flying in women for the congressman. “One of my duties while working for Rep. Conyers was to keep a list of women that I assumed he was having affairs with and call them at his request and, if necessary, have them flown in using Congressional resources,” said her affidavit. (A second staffer alleged in an interview that Conyers used taxpayer resources to fly women to him.)

The employee said in her affidavit that Conyers also made sexual advances toward her: “I was driving the Congressman in my personal car and was resting my hand on the stick shift. Rep. Conyers reached over and began to caress my hand in a sexual manner.”

The woman said she told Conyers she was married and not interested in pursuing a sexual relationship, according to the affidavit. She said she was told many times by constituents that it was well-known that Conyers had sexual relationships with his staff, and said she and other female staffers felt this undermined their credibility.

“I am personally aware of several women who have experienced the same or similar sexual advances made towards them by Rep[.] John Conyers,” she said in her affidavit.

A male employee wrote that he witnessed Rep. Conyers rub the legs and other body parts of the complainant “in what appeared to be a sexual manner” and saw the congressman rub and touch other women “in an inappropriate manner.” The employee said he confronted Conyers about this behavior.

“Rep. Conyers said he needed to be ‘more careful’ because bad publicity would not be helpful as he runs for re-election. He ended the conversation with me by saying he would ‘work on’ his behavior,” the male staffer said in his affidavit.

“I don’t think any allegations should be buried…and that’s for anyone, not just for this particular office”
The male employee said that in 2011 Conyers complained a female staffer was “too old” and said he wanted to let her go. The employee said he set up a meeting in December 2011 to discuss “mistreatment of staff and his misuse of federal resources.” The affidavit says that Conyers “agreed that he would work on making improvements as long as I worked directly with him and stopped writing memos and emails about concerns.”

Another female employee also attested that she witnessed Conyer’s advances, and said she was asked to transport women to him. “I was asked on multiple occasions to pick up women and bring them to Mr. Conyers[‘] apartment, hotel rooms, etc.”

BuzzFeed News reached out to several former Conyers staffers, all of whom did not want to speak on the record. One former staffer, who did not want to be named, said she was frustrated by the secretive complaint process.

“I don’t think any allegations should be buried…and that’s for anyone, not just for this particular office, because it doesn’t really allow other people to see who these individuals are,” said the former staffer. “When you make private settlements, it doesn’t warn the next woman or the next person going into that situation.”

Another staffer said that Conyers’ reputation made people fearful to speak out against him. Aside from being the longest-serving House member and the ranking member of a powerful committee, Conyers is a civil rights icon. He was lauded by Martin Luther King Jr. and is a founding member of the Congressional Black Caucus.

“Your story won’t do shit to him,” said the staffer. “He’s untouchable.”

In a statement to BuzzFeed News, House Democratic Leader Nancy Pelosi said she was not aware of the settlement.

“The current process includes the signing of non-disclosure agreements by the parties involved. Congresswoman Jackie Speier has introduced legislation that will provide much-needed transparency on these agreements and make other critical reforms,” Pelosi said in the statement. “I strongly support her efforts.”

What’s interesting about the revelations of sexual harassment is they’re mainly being reported by left wing media, concerning left wing men. Perhaps there’s a disruption in the matrix, or they’re quite literally eating their own.

This didn’t age well.

Since #POTUS' first day in office, his admin & @HouseGOP have relentlessly attacked women’s #reprorights & access to care.

— John Conyers, Jr. (@RepJohnConyers) October 6, 2017

Good times.

She’s taking her butterscotched candies and getting the hell out of Dodge before the shit hits the fan. Once the shit hits the fan, all of the shit will distribute wildly, spraying onto the faces of millions, if not billions, of people.

This isn’t a common thing, by the way — with just two Fed Chairmen since 1948 serving less than two terms.

While markets have done swell under Yellen, we both know she was merely riding the long coattails of a certain Dr. Benjamin Bernanke — the hero who saved western finance from sinking into the deepest depression the world has ever known.

Her rat like visage will not be missed. Replacing her will be Jerome Powell. We should all be concerned that Mr. Powell isn’t a god damned economist and merely a lawyer. I suppose he will take a litigious approach to managing the Fed — perhaps suing America to prosperity?

Let’s have a look at his visage and determine if he is a man that can be trusted.

DOOMED.