TEETERING

I am exploring the possibility of putting some of my own money to work in calls here and the spreads are fucking insane. Every time I seem to muster up the courage to consider buying, the market takes another leg lower.

Let’s try to analyze what will happen over the next 24 hours.

Will China respond to this drop with stimulus?

Maybe.

I don’t think they will lower rates, since that would weaken their piece of shit currency. Do you see the box those dog-eaters have placed themselves in? There is a parable tucked away there, somewhere. Through their greed and avarice to outstrip ancient enemies, like Japan, they’ve dug their own grave. Stupid Hansel and Gretel motherfuckers, with chocolate all of their faces.

Moving on. Will our Fed respond?

Janet Yellen is a moron, obviously.

It’s entirely possible that nothing happens at all, as policy makers believe, through hubris, that this dip will fix itself and the market will recover.

Perhaps.

I guess it comes down to valuation. Are we cheap?

The market isn’t expensive at all. However, Fred Wilson’s portfolio of privately held pieces of shit are heinously overvalued. If we are to truly bottom, valuation wise, we need a tidal wave of pain to hit the shores of egregious start-ups, whose valuations have been blown out of proportion by cocaine addled VC managers. Guess what, fucked face? The public markets aren’t interested in your wares. As such, Uber should take $20 billion off its privately held cap, and Snap Chat should simply go away.

The market is now teetering, on the brink of heading back towards the -500+ mark, thanks to margin selling and early dip buyers tossing in the towel. I’d be hard pressed to believe we will rally into the bell, considering how this decline was born in Asia. We need to see China do something before getting the “all is a go” signal. The only problem with that, truth be told, is the Chinese are rank amateurs who’d never reverse a decision, publicly, in order to not “lose face”.

95% of stocks are lower today. The Dow opened down over 1,000 points and CELG was down 21%, full retard style. Let’s be clear about what this is: a motherfucking crash. It’s entirely possible that the market will bottom now and great gains will be had for the remainder of the week. It’s also possible that we rally, drop, rally and then motherfucking implode by the bell–due to traders’ fear of being exposed during Chinese spastic trade tonight.

How comfortable will you feel exposed into Chinese’d trade tonight?

The truth is, the biggest money made during tapes like this is when fear is cast aside and action is taken. When the fear of missing out outstrips the fear of losing money, then this market will bottom.

I am tempted to nibble here, just in case the market stops going lower and champagne corks start popping off in the face of Rickard Santelli again.

Nothing is remotely funny about this sordid drop. I am receiving all sorts of emails, phone calls, and texted messages, all the while Rickard Santelli circle jerks, live on CNBC, relishing in the misery of others.

As I write this, the NASDAQ is off by 5%. There isn’t a rationale that I can offer you to jump into the fray here. Of course this is overdone. Naturally, the market is overshooting to the downside. Panics have always been built on this sort of stuff, wrecked emotions, leading to exaggerated moves. But the money lost is real. I do not like to see anyone lose money, truth be told.

For me, it’s too early to say the market has bottomed and that this flush out is done. Whose to say this market is done being clown-raped?

DO NOT place market orders here, just limits. If you’re bottom fishing, stay away from oil, opt for companies who make the bulk of their money here, in the good old MERICA.

When the pendulum swings, we are going to enjoy the greatest rally of your lives. But a lot of damage has been done, which is why I am reticent to step in here, so early in the morning. Margin calls and forced liquidations will be occurring all day long.

The greatest fuckery of all fuckeries is upon you. Brace yourselves.

First let me tell you how I’ve been preparing for this horrendous tape. I’ve spent all weekend trying to determine whether I prefer almond stuffed olives in my dirty martinis or jalapeño. I do appreciate a certain latin flair commingled into my alcohol consumption, every once in a while. After that, I ventured outside of my residence to purchase new areas rugs, art work, and leather bounded books for my library. It was hard work but somebody had to do it.

Bear in mind, the vast majority of my liquid assets are in my checking account, tucked neatly and far away from the stocked market. Granted, I partake in speculation and have significant funds invested. But I am a manager of other people’s assets. To toss my earnings back into the wild flames of the market would be equal to wanton gambling and depravity. These are important matters that you need to address, if you intend to last in this business.

Regarding the market: there are wild currency gyrations fucking with sentiment. The S African rand is down more than 3%, and a wide array of meaningless dog-eating asian countries are having their wigs pushed back. It’s important that you understand China is to blame for everything, for they are the evil doers of our time. God willing, President Donald Trump will make quick work of them and park the USS Ronald “give me your fucking jellied beans” Reagan in the Port of Beijing.

I am expecting European markets to drop by 2-5% today, surprising all of you clown-loving rape victims with expeditious viscosity. You should also expect a severe US open, which may in fact wipe out the last of the canaille and offer a sublime buy the dip scenario for the initiated, men of cloth and substance with significant cash on the sidelines.

Client discussions have gone swimmingly. We discussed the latest in politics over cigars and pipes, then parlayed into the matter of having over 50% cash in government money market accounts. I laid out a fairly straight forward plan to “buy the blood” and to “skull rape” all of the “fuckheads who intend to bet against me.”

I have a buy list located inside of the confines of Exodus. I WILL DRINK YOUR MARGIN CALLS.

Good night and God speed.

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My detailed gameplan to play the coming bounce is up in Exodus, exclusive for the top hatted gents inside of my smokey and wood paneled blog of extreme decadence and decorum (members only). Feel free to have a brandy while you peruse my thoughts.

I am quite busy right now, so the free, blood-sucking, portion of iBankCoin will have to be serviced later on tonight. In the meantime, I’ve selected some delightful music for you to enjoy with your families.

One of the all-time classics, starring Al Pacino and Keanu Reeves.

This is a tale about the devil, who takes up the avocation as a high powered NYC lawyer (what other job would the devil take?), in order to create hell on earth. You know, set free all of the rapists and murderers his firm could muster, just like in real life.

I felt, considering the past week’s market action, this scene would be apropos.

Enjoy.

Prepare to overshoot to the downside.

The fundamentals do not matter now, only emotion and forced selling by catamites who are now below maintenance. I did not buy today because I do not gamble. “The Fly” bets on sure things and partakes in ideas emanating from the stock gods, found inside and around his urinal shadows.

This is the worst two day drop since 2008. We are now off by more than 10%, marking an official correction, first time since 2011. More than 66% of stocks are down 10% or more and 25% are off by 20%, aka bear market territory.

The fears of China slowing are feeding upon itself and is causing people to reexamine everything. Bear in mind, this entire run higher has been based upon global growth. The civilized world has been stymied for quite some time and we’ve been relying upon savages in the far east to buy our wares.

Bottom line: we plunge lower, through the fucking floor boards, on Monday. Asian markets will get clobbered and disappear into thin air, as if they never existed. This is a very unique and special situation. I truly want you, as a novice investor, to appreciate the novela styled drama of all this. Take it in and learn from your idiotic mistakes.

As an aside, “The Fly” has been in a 50% (now 60%+) cash position for almost two weeks, having sold his largest position in GG yesterday. I stand before you a mountain amongst a field of pebbles. I endeavor to buy all of the blood and opportunistically bid for quality names, which I will outline in a special weekend blog inside Exodus this weekend, into the teeth of this monumental and memorable market calamity.

Good day and God speed.

Massive gorilla raping taking place at the open, curb stomping investors into clown-dust. I’m just gonna say this to you, okay? People out there are fucking crazy. Cramer is on the teevee now telling you to buy and sell at the same time, to seemingly churn yourselves into a bar of butter. I am going to keep this real.

This market is a transvestite. It has a surprise waiting for you. Don’t be out there all naked and shit, for you might regret it later.

By Wednesday of next week, you will feel better. At the close of trade today, you will want a stiff drink.

Some really good stocks are on sale now. Margin liquidations are happening and the sellers will soon exhaust themselves; but we’re not there yet. I know that’s annoying to read. I used to get all mad, and shit, at people when they told me I couldn’t make all the money right now. Truth is, Friday is a shitty day to reverse and head higher. Friday’s were built to be dramatic, tire out traders into submission and ruin their fucking weekends.

Ever hear of “Turn Around Tuesday”?

Of course you have.

Enjoy your “Fuck you Friday.”

Let’s be clear about what is causing this decline: the dog-eating Chinese. Ever since they devalued their shitty currency, Asians have been seen chasing each other down toilet bowls. Similar to the currency crisis of 1997, this is bound to get worse, fuck a lot of people, then sky-rocket the fuck higher and never look back.

But most of you don’t care about all of that. You want to know how to play this for the next 3 days, fat little frog faces looking for a good time. Never fear, “The Fly” is immortal and will always be here to offer guidance. Ten thousand years hence, I will be here telling people, with a certain parlance, to jump off Jupiter’s moon and to liquidate their no good rotten children into the energy core at Ham and Egg galaxy number 6, formerly known as Earth.

Having almost 60% of my assets in cash, not having been fribbled away by the eastern winds of China, I am in perfect position to catapult myself back into the winners circle of champions with my cock out swinging freely and with liberality.

Listen to me and do not ignore what I am about to tell you. This isn’t an ordinary drop; but the manner by which it drops will be like all others that have preceded it. People panic and sell their stocks to save their hides. In order to properly establish a bottom, the Third Estate must be cleansed from this place of business and washed away with high powered water hoses.

These are some scenarios for tomorrow’s open.

Gap higher and never look back: this can only be done with some Federal Reserve or QE related news

Gap higher, then fade and sink into the close: worse case scenario. This is the ultra-bearish scenario; but a high probability one.

Gap higher, plunge lower, then rally: this washes out the Third Estate fine and dandy. After they sell, buyers step in and shoot trebuchets at their homes.

Gap lower and plunge: low probability play, considering today’s drubbing.

Gap lower, then rally: this is best case scenario play.

Gap lower, rally, then plunge to new lows: Death

I’d like to see a gap lower, rally, then small fade, then monster rally. This will wash out the weak hands and entrap the Rickard Santelli cabal into egregious short positions into face punching 10% rallies. However, I’d be a seller after the rally. I do not believe we are done going lower. Bounces should be used to raise cash.

Now that we laid out the scenarios, here are the 10 stocks that I am rallying behind. As you know, I own a bunch of stocks, most of which are very small positions, 0.1-1% of assets. During times like this, however, I like to rally behind a few quality names. Here is what I like now.

Tech: PANW, CYBR, AMBA
Basic Materials: fuck you
Consumer Goods: MNST
Financials: WETF
Healthcare: GILD, BLUE, ONCE
Industrials: No Interest
Services: NFLX, SHAK

Broader market ETFs of interest include TAN and TNA. I am avoiding oil on purpose and shying away from industrials, who are heavily reliant upon China. God willing, I can sashay (no homo) myself in and out through a few names and then exit stage left and watch the world burn.