As I Was Saying, I Like Markets in Turmoil

Let’s be clear about what is causing this decline: the dog-eating Chinese. Ever since they devalued their shitty currency, Asians have been seen chasing each other down toilet bowls. Similar to the currency crisis of 1997, this is bound to get worse, fuck a lot of people, then sky-rocket the fuck higher and never look back.

But most of you don’t care about all of that. You want to know how to play this for the next 3 days, fat little frog faces looking for a good time. Never fear, “The Fly” is immortal and will always be here to offer guidance. Ten thousand years hence, I will be here telling people, with a certain parlance, to jump off Jupiter’s moon and to liquidate their no good rotten children into the energy core at Ham and Egg galaxy number 6, formerly known as Earth.

Having almost 60% of my assets in cash, not having been fribbled away by the eastern winds of China, I am in perfect position to catapult myself back into the winners circle of champions with my cock out swinging freely and with liberality.

Listen to me and do not ignore what I am about to tell you. This isn’t an ordinary drop; but the manner by which it drops will be like all others that have preceded it. People panic and sell their stocks to save their hides. In order to properly establish a bottom, the Third Estate must be cleansed from this place of business and washed away with high powered water hoses.

These are some scenarios for tomorrow’s open.

Gap higher and never look back: this can only be done with some Federal Reserve or QE related news

Gap higher, then fade and sink into the close: worse case scenario. This is the ultra-bearish scenario; but a high probability one.

Gap higher, plunge lower, then rally: this washes out the Third Estate fine and dandy. After they sell, buyers step in and shoot trebuchets at their homes.

Gap lower and plunge: low probability play, considering today’s drubbing.

Gap lower, then rally: this is best case scenario play.

Gap lower, rally, then plunge to new lows: Death

I’d like to see a gap lower, rally, then small fade, then monster rally. This will wash out the weak hands and entrap the Rickard Santelli cabal into egregious short positions into face punching 10% rallies. However, I’d be a seller after the rally. I do not believe we are done going lower. Bounces should be used to raise cash.

Now that we laid out the scenarios, here are the 10 stocks that I am rallying behind. As you know, I own a bunch of stocks, most of which are very small positions, 0.1-1% of assets. During times like this, however, I like to rally behind a few quality names. Here is what I like now.

Tech: PANW, CYBR, AMBA
Basic Materials: fuck you
Consumer Goods: MNST
Financials: WETF
Healthcare: GILD, BLUE, ONCE
Industrials: No Interest
Services: NFLX, SHAK

Broader market ETFs of interest include TAN and TNA. I am avoiding oil on purpose and shying away from industrials, who are heavily reliant upon China. God willing, I can sashay (no homo) myself in and out through a few names and then exit stage left and watch the world burn.

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