It looked like she cut two holes in a heavy Korean blanket and draped it over her shoulders. She was a white female, age 60ish, and she was mentally ill, just in front of me at my local grocery store.
In a rush, I visited my local grocery store this weekend, in order to buy pastries. Normally, I’d prefer to visit a homeless shelter instead, since my local grocery store prides itself on selling bullshit food at insulting prices. However, being that I was in a rush, I tempered my emotions and went in. Quickly, I snapped up some cannolis and a few cookies and made my way over to the “cash only” line, as it was 1/10th as long as the others. See, I was clever and with lots of cash in hand. To be honest, I had a certain swagger to my step, as I stepped on the “all cash” line, looking down at the credit card wielding asshats to the left of me.
There was one woman in front of me, who had about 20 items in her cart. To my surprise, I noticed that she put two boxes of cotex on the conveyor belt. I took a keen interest only because she looked “old as fuck” and had no business buying cotex. However, I figured she was a nice old seahag, buying it for her daughter, or some shit.
Then all of a sudden, I noticed she was very chatty with the cashier, which is an early warning sign. Typically, people who talk to strangers are fucking lunatics, so I was on-guard. Then, she started debating the validity of each and every item scanned. Okay, you probably think I am exaggerating here. Let me repeat clearly, after each item was scanned, this crazy bitch questioned the authenticity of the price. I watched on in horror, as the credit card wielding losers to the left of me exited the store with great expedience.
Then the bat-shit hit the wall and the fan.
The gentleman cashier rang up the two boxes of cotex. Immediately, she blurted out “WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?” Right away, my eyes darted towards her direction, amazed by her language, all done in front of kids and adults alike. She continued, “those aren’t mine. Take them off. How the fuck did that woman’s (referring to the person who was in front of her prior) order get mixed up with mine?”
Clearly she was lying, since I saw her unload the cotex, with my very own eyes, albeit they were shaded by the finest LUX has to offer.
The gentleman cashier erased the two transactions and attempted to continue to do his job, ringing up her shit. However, she had other plans for him. She furthered: “you only took it off once. You need to do it again.” He insisted they were removed; but she would not stop repeating “take if off again,” as if her brain was diseased by demons.
She elevated the debate, saying “I want to speak to your manager.”
By this time, I was livid, especially since I was egregiously late for my appointment. I was on line for about 15 minutes and this lunatic was trying to get over on this poor cashier for $3.50. But I held my tongue. I make it a point to avoid making scenes in public and try to reserve my own lunacy for private art auctions and crowded subway station platforms.
The manager came over, with an intense attitude, all authoritarian and shit, and shut this bitch the fuck down. But, she was not finished, as it was time to review and study the fucking receipt.
As the gentleman cashier scanned my 10 items, I found myself rather snug, wedged between the person behind me and her (crazy blanket wearing bitch). Literally, she would not budge, no matter how uncomfortable my position appeared, for she had the all important task of finding egregious errors on her $31.00 worth of crap grocery ticket.
Then came the tipping point.
She reengaged the gentleman cashier for a little chitty-chat, asking him if he was absolutely certain that all of her items were placed in her cart. He replied, resolutely “yes M’am.” Needless to say, she was not convinced.
One thing you should know about me: I do not like people touching my things and I do not like people, as a rule of thumb. Then, suddenly, things started to appear in slow motion for me (like Matrix), as this straight jacket candidate started to rummage throughout my bags, exclaiming “I just want to be sure none of my stuff is in here.”
I thundered with a loud baritone voice “AWAY FROM MY BAGS. You will find nothing of yours here.” Quickly, I snatched about 5 bags, with one hand, and threw them into my cart, with the same sort of demented mannerism that she was parading with pride for the past 20 minutes. I thrusted those fucking cannolis into my cart as if they insulted my Mother.
I could feel her eyes laser beam the back of my head, as she loudly exclaimed “YOU’RE A FUCKING ANIMAL.”
Lost for words, the only thing that came to mind, as I turned to her was “indeud.”
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Hilarious! You are quite the gentlemen.
Awesome… I actually spited out my perrier while reading this!
Fucking Classic!!!!
You should have told her that you’re renowned for tossing old men down elevator shafts … BEWARE!
BTW, she must of gotten out of the market prematurely … being in the cash line with all those groceries at Whole Foods and all, no?
It was NOT WFMI. It was a lowly generic store.
You said “bullshit food at insulting prices” …. and since Mrs Fly shops at WFMI it wasn’t much of a stretch.
Well done. LOL
LOL 10/10.
Fucking A! Same with driving and crazy fuckers meandering around like they are the only ones on the road and it’s 1943.
They’re just texting
Fly, I will never question you again
my bullshit Zeeco account got sent back to the middle ages today
FYI I think you mean “Kotex” no?
They were generic and read “cotex”. I remember it clearly.
Yes, you remember it clearly as your wife asked you to pick some “Cotex” up but you couldn’t bear going through the “cash isle” manned by another man with “suchness” so you coyly slipped them into her order but it backfired on you when she went all loony and insisted on looking into your bags …. a valiant attempt at throwing old women down storm drains good sir!
You did well Fly, to not wrestle with the unfortunate crazy lady. I was behind her brother at my grocery store just the other day.
Hey, at least your old lady didn’t crack the car up today… Days of Miser and Roses.
_______________
A story, to be sure that makes many a proctologist proud! I mean that with non-fiction intent, no, really. If the pastries were good, protect Fellini with venerable regard, continue to feather the “Pen Thief” fiction too!
Do your posts come out of some demented Mad Lib book?
Fly.
You gotta do what I do. I would ask her for her phone number in front of everyone and freak her and everyone around me out in a flash. I would be aggressive about it, too.
“Come on, honey… give it up — you know you’re not doing anything else tonight except checking receipts.”
That is fucking hilarious
LOL, nice. Have you ever seen someone take out a baseball card style book of coupons in a cashier line? Appalling. Yea, we’ll take that 50 cent coupon for TGI Friday’s chicken bites for a Conseco Blue Jays era card. Sure, pal.
That could be a Seinfeld episode, with the old hag being Cramer’s [sic] mama.
Wait a minute…..she actually may have been Cramer’s mama.
HST from heaven says add more firearms and hallucinogens!!
Salvia divinorum 40x extract should do the trick.
Another great blog the fly.
Bravo monsieur Le Fly
So I’m in a C store Sunday afternoon. Ahead of me in line is a 20 something couple. It’s obvious they are partying. She’s got a 6 pack, he’s got a couple of humongus cans of some beverage, they are buying a lighter and some other bullshit. The young Korean kid, son of the owners, is running the checkstand in there by himself. As he’s running their debit card the chick pops open a can of beer and starts drinking it right there in the checkstand. The kid’s eyes got kinda wide open, but the debit card went through and they gathered up their shit and left. Then it’s my turn. I said to the kid that it was kinda weird to see that woman open a can of beer and start drinking it right there. He said, Yeah, I didn’t know if it’s illegal or something.” (which it is in my state) Then this 40-ish woman behind me in line pipes up, “They sell the fucking shit, they should leave people alone!” I note she’s buying a gallon jug of cheap wine.
I know, Fly’s story was better.
Ha Ha.
Good one.
It couldn’t have been Whole Foods otherwise the “C”otex clearly would have said Organic, Green Product, and locally manufactured by the Long Island Hippie commune and the price would have been $50.00 or more.
It could have been worse, Fly.
She could have been buying a box of condoms.
Probably Tro”g”ans Condoms.
That shit happens to me all the fucking time. I can’t stand waiting in line for some asshole who writes a check for instance. This is why I ALWAYS use the self checkout line. Of course now, a ton of people have learned my trick and use the self checkout line as well. At least the old ladies can’t use it.
Here Here! She is only lucky you did not toss her down a manhole or nearby set of stairs! I don’t know how you put up with those lunatics in the NYC area. Filled with them , it is…
Need a follow up post about the jackasses with coupons, crap that won’t scan, checkbooks, etc. Make coupons and rebates illegal (just lower the damn price). This is the 21st century get rid of the damn checkbook! Anyone paying with a check in the express lane should be tased.
that’s good.
Fly
being a pussy owner and liking my over 40% profit, i ask for your thoughts
CAT est for 2012 10-12eps… is there still room to run?
Cat goes up
Fuck you’re funny! Fabulous post!
I enjoyed it immensely, even though I myself have been treated with disdain by your fellow bloggers!
“Typically, people who talk to strangers are fucking lunatics, so I was on-guard.”
Welcome to the South.
I think you just described most Western, developed countries. Everywhere except the pcokets of resistance, where people actually have a bit of self-confidence and trust in their place in the world.
LOL!
Five Stars Senor….that’s going viral.
155 IQ …A Stock God if you will. White Robed Guru
At the end of the day your just a regular shlumpf like us…..on line at Publix.
Brilliant!
One Thanksgiving morning I was sent to the grocery store to get 2 cans of cranberry sauce and some coffee. This large Krogers was nearly deserted except for a 40-ish well dressed businesslady who was running up and down aisles filling her cart with everything for a dinner for twenty; and a 90-year old widow who had
a QUART of milk and a pound of butter in her cart. The three of us arrived at the two cashier’s lines simultaneously, and I graciously let the old lady get ahead of me, while the business gall with 100 items got in the other checkout line.
Then – to my HORROR, a total for the old lady of $4.97 came up. Out came the the coin purse. One penny- fumble fumble – second penny – fumble fumble – eventually the wrinkled dollar bills unfolded one at a time.
By the time I got to the parking lot, the business lady was long gone with her $220 order. What a day.
GREAT story! Thanks for sharing.
“you’re a fucking animal” Beast mode baby!
INDEUD
Both of you are why i am a bear
INDEUD! Bwhahahahahahahahahahaha…great story man.
Classic, Indeud
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LrllCZw8jiM
I am a “jackass with coupons”. I never pay more than 1.00 in cash after all my coupons are done for a cart full of groceries. How much do you pay for your groceries? Who is the jackass now?
you are now a cheap jackass.
Thanks for that Fly…
I’m watching disaster in stereo now… the Queensland hurricane and the rock throwing in Egypt. That place is really another world. Pro government side was attacking the antis riding on horseback and on camels into the crowd. On fucking camels!.
Yep, too many crazies in NYC
“One thing you should know about me: I do not like people touching my things and I do not like people, as a rule of thumb. ”
CLASSIC
Senior Le Fly, let me pass on some sage words once uttered to me by a wise and intelligent roommate I once had.
Sometimes, man… sometimes you just gotta kick a bitch
Yo le fly when you wrote “exited the store with great expedience.” you probably meant “with great expedition”
FIG
great story! “Cotex” – hilarious.
Perfect retort for any occassion: “Indeud!”
Admirable restraint, I would have dropkicked that fucking bag lady into the next zip code while manicuring my nails!
You touch me, or my stuff, and I’ll kill ya
lighten up, francis
“Nice old seahag”
You and Popeye rule, Fly!