Inspired by the world I now live in, I was thinking of ways to greatly increase the sales of Stocklabs, not because I’m interested so much in new yachts and fancy homes and cars, but because I want to solve the most important crisis in the world today: poverty.
With Stocklabs, no one has to be poor anymore. You can simply login and trade with the other clever members of the group and make outsized returns. The data is so good and concise, I managed to make 220% last year while sipping martinis and noshing on decadent sandwiches throughout the trading sessions. So with that in mind, here is my sales pitch to fellow VCs out there interested in the next big thing.
Let’s influence government officials via bribes and perhaps some extortion to not only promote Stocklabs to the masses, but also make sure they join the service in the name of financial health.
We can achieve this goal by mandating all citizens show their Stocklabs passes to get into plays and movie theaters, even restaurants and gyms — the works.
Also, and this is an important one, we’ll have news channels extol the virtues of me (Dr. Fly) and Stocklabs 24/7, featuring an array of financial experts who agree. We can then follow up these promotions with divisive editorials and social media posts maligning those who do not subscribe to Stocklabs as being “anti-finance” and threaten to take away their pensions and social security funds if they don’t “join up.”
The divisive part of the marketing is important — because there’s always going to be people who won’t join. By saying ‘it’s for the greater good’ we can immediately take the high road and paint non members as “selfish monsters” for potentially placing all of us in financial peril. Some will hate us, but on the whole many will cave and we expect to get at least 70% of the people to join.
One important vertical to expand our MRR will be the rollout of new features, “boosters” to the platform that if not purchased all but renders the original Stocklabs worthless. We can say stuff like “the market has changed and you need this new booster in order to be effective against this really tough tape.”
Another interesting market ploy would be to publicly announce how many accounts go to zero every day, maybe even leaking the actual names of the people who wiped themselves out and then send reporters to their homes to ask them how they felt and if they regretted not being members of Stocklabs. By doing this, we might convince fearful people to join, especially the financially weak and elderly — because who wants to lose their retirements accounts when a simple $59.95, sans boosters, might permit them to enjoy the normal benefits of their life savings?
Once we get everyone to sign up, there might always be a chance Stocklabs doesn’t make everyone money. If this should ever happen, we can blame it on the “tough market”, calling it “RARE”, and just roll out another booster. I’m thinking we can do this at least once per year, all subsidized by the government.
“ANTI-LABBERS” will be viewed on par with troglodyte misfits who eat their socks for lunch and are financially incapable of buying hot dogs from street vendors.
I’m really excited about this new business model and think we can make a big impact on the yachting community, not because we’ll all have new yachts or anything like that, but because those poor yachtsmen are in great financial peril and we can save them via our tonic.