iBankCoin
18 years in Wall Street, left after finding out it was all horseshit. Founder/ Master and Commander: iBankCoin, finance news and commentary from the future.
Joined Nov 10, 2007
19,441 Blog Posts

Shut Up About the JP Morgan Downgrade of $BYND Today — Just Shut Up

I too wanted to see vegans BTFO, in spite of my respect for their discipline. See, Le Fly tried being a vegan for about a year and found it to be incredibly hard and annoying. It was, however, good, in the sense that it provided a sense of regimen in my diet and offered me the opportunity to be extreme obnoxious while dining at restaurants.

Ever since BYND started to trade publicly, steakFAGS have been out to get it — and they’ve been utterly and completely BTFO. The stock is +100 points since 5/2 and there is nothing to be said about it, other than ‘nice showing.’

Today, a retarded analyst from JP Morgan, who is more than likely irrelevant in every aspect of life except this, downgraded the shares — with a very cute catch phrase.

The firm downgraded the stock to “neutral” from “overweight” and kept its price target of $120. The alternative meat company reported stronger-than-expected earnings last week — its first report since going public. The stock is “beyond our price target,” J.P. Morgan analyst Ken Goldman said in the note to clients. The share price has already exceeded the price target of every analyst on Wall Street and short sellers have lost more than $400 million betting against the plant-based burger maker’s stock since it went public, according to research firm S3 Partners. “This downgrade is purely a valuation call,” J.P. Morgan said. “As we wrote last week, ‘At some point, the extraordinary revenue and profit potential embedded in BYND… will be priced in’ – we think this day has arrived.”

Fuck off.

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ONLY MORONS SHORT STOCKS

Listen to me as if your head was trapped inside a giant trombone.

Stocks are designed to trade higher. You only lose money in them when you veer off the plantation and into small capped shit. Providing you own the same stocks House Dupont and all of the other illustrious houses own, you will do fine. If you try to circumvent the circle of trust, you will be eliminated. If you attempt in any way to get splendidly rich in a manner that is viewed untoward by the elite, the IRS will imprison you. There is a certain method to the decorum that is demanded here and the only way to achieve lasting, generational, wealth, is to be a sheep and go with the status quo.

Failure to adhere to these warnings will result in a life time of poverty, toil, and misery.

If you do not know how to do this, I can show you how it’s done in the Exodus Quant. Join and find out.

It was a solid day, with many leaning in short at the end of the session — hoping for a reversal in the AM. I took out another End of Day trade for an overnight hold. My last 5 picks have been of the most supreme quality. You’d be wise to view them below.

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Booked MOAR GAINS

I bought PINS on Friday and sold it today for a +9.5% gain. Very simple and easy — even an idiot moron can do this.

As you were.

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Trump: ‘Tariffs Are a Beautiful Thing’

Tired of winning yet? Not only do you get a roaring stock market and a great big beautiful southern border wall paid for by Mexico — you also get lower interest rates, because Trump wants stocks higher by another 10,000 points from here. If you short stocks now, you will be dickless for sure. There is nothing on this planet that can stop Trump, not even Mueller. He is, essentially, impervious to the pangs of civil and non-civil society. He is able to operate inside and outside of the law without regard for ramifications or collateral damage.

If he wants to blow up Iran on Tuesday — he will. If he chooses to sink the Dow 900 points on Wednesday, nothing will stop him. He does as he likes, at his pleasure, whenever he wants.

Trump declares tariffs are a ‘beautiful thing’. In other words, prepare for MOAR.

President Trump doubles down on his tariff strategy after a border security deal reached with Mexico.

“People haven’t used tariffs, but tariffs are a beautiful thing when you are the piggy bank, when you have all the money. Everyone is trying to get our money,” Trump says during an impromptu interview on CNBC’s “Squawk Box.”

Trump says his threat to impose tariffs on Mexico encouraged the country to agree to stronger immigration enforcement, and he predicts the strategy will be successful with China.

Keep your rape kits handy, especially if you’re heavily invested up here. We are just 1 caravan away from Trump rescinding on the Mexican deal and 1 failed meeting with China from Trump flowering Xi with another $300b in goods to be heavily taxed by America, the Piggy Bank.

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Booked Another Gain

I bought ZM at $94 on Friday and sold it now at $102. Just like that, real easy — like stealing diapers from a baby.

I’ll be doing another end of day overnight hold in Exodus today.

Last 4 picks (I’ve only been doing this for 4 days):

ROKU +6.4%
DUST -2.9%
AYX +5.5%
ZM +8.5%

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Markets Set to Soar Again, Economy on Fire — Fed Priced in For 3 Rate Cuts Before Year End

What the fuck is going on here? How is it that markets are more or less at all time highs, unemployment is at record lows — yet the fuckers at the Fed are going to cut rates THREE TIMES before 2020? This is now being priced in. I want you, the unwashed reader class pleb, to explain that to me.

In other news, CRM is buying DATA in an all stock deal. What else would they use — cash? Pffffff. This should light a fire under SAAS stocks. Since I bought on on Friday, I am pleased.

On the heels of Google buying analytics startup Looker last week for $2.6 billion, Salesforce today announced a huge piece of news in a bid to step up its own work in data visualization and (more generally) tools to help enterprises make sense of the sea of data that they use and amass: Salesforce is buying Tableau for $15.7 billion in an all-stock deal.

The latter is publicly traded and this deal will involve shares of Tableau Class A and Class B common stock getting exchanged for 1.103 shares of Salesforce common stock, the company said, and so the $15.7 billion figure is the enterprise value of the transaction, based on the average price of Salesforce’s shares as of June 7, 2019.

And then we have a litany of Trump tweets to not discuss. I’m tired and bored of the same routine. We should simply expect to be surprised at all times.

Oh, and Justin Bieber challenged Tom Cruise to an MMA styled fight on Twitter.

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Trump Would be ‘Perfectly Happy’ Slapping China with New Tariffs; Futures Rise

If you think you’ve got it all figured out for the week ahead, think again. Trump sent his lap dog out tonight to offer a foreshadowing of things to come.

In other news, China is killing America, more than ever, on the trade front. BTFO.

China said on Monday its overall trade surplus in May was $41.65 billion, significantly more than expected.
Economists polled by Reuters had expected China to post an overall trade surplus of $20.5 billion.

That trade surplus number is so ridiculous, I reserve the right to withhold my opinion on it.

Dow futures are +100. I have a few trades that I’ll be liquidating in the morning, both will be for profit. Perhaps I’ll dive back into gold on this dip — who the fuck knows? I am having my driveway sealed tomorrow, so that’ll be fun. After that, I expect more chicanery and things of that nature.

Trump is going to do something again, and soon. There is fucking crazy in the air — be on guard for it.

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An Update on Selling My Fucking House

You’ve heard about the toil and my plight of keeping a perfectly clean and sterile home whilst trying to sell it. On Friday I was up very late cleaning, scrubbing and mopping, hard and good, in preparation of a showing on Saturday. It came and went and we assumed all went well. Our home is lovely and clean, and priced right.

This morning while taking breakfast, clad in my pajamas, a sudden key entered into my locked front door and voila! — a family of 5 appeared with an old seahag realtor — claiming to have a ‘confirmed showtime’ today. Sitting there, bellowing out from my kitchen to the front door, my wife made it perfectly clear that we were at home and the showing was for Saturday. After a brief moment, the seahag figured out she had made a grave mistake and then begged our pardon. I said we could vacate in about an hour — to which she replied ‘no, that’s too long — my clients need to buy a home today.’

What the fuck? Who buys homes on the spur of the moment like that anyway?

The family and the realtor then proceeded to loiter in front of my home for the next 20 minutes, much to the chagrin of Mrs. Fly — who then quickly ordered everyone to get up and scrub and clean and toil quickly and to be on alert for new surprise visits.

FML.

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A Day in the Glorious Life of The Fly

Scrubbed all last night until my hands were raw from chemicals — making sure I did ‘a good job.’ Exhausted from a week without sleep, crashed after a hot shower at around 2am while watching a YouTube video about cooking on my phone.

Woke up very early to the nervous chattering teeth of my coyote at 5:30am because she had to relieve herself in my yard. As I made my way down the stairs, an allergy attack afflicted me, so I took some Claritin. After the coyote came back in, I washed her paws to prevent her from dragging in mud and giving our home a homeless man aesthetic.

I went back to sleep for another 2 hours and then hopped in the shower and then did some yard work, cleaned some windows, and then turned on every single light in the house — while also packing in a bunch of stuff into my car — to de-personalize the house and make it look like ghosts lived in it.

I sat down at Panera Bread for a coffee and a croissant and my coyote immediately diarrhea’d all over the concrete and my other idiot dog shit a log in the adjacent garden. I had to clean up both — because everyone else was too disgusted and their sensitive natures made it impossible to be of any use.

After breakfast, I drove a car filled with people around to various stores and sat idle with dogs in a heavily air conditioned car while they spent money on meaningless things. After an hour or two (who’s counting?) — I drove back home, shut off all the lights, turned on some Duke Ellington music, and opened up my laptop to write this blog.

Looking ahead, I envision myself eating out tonight, partaking in more toil, crashing after a hot shower — while watching some chef cook something I’m not going to make anytime soon (can’t cook in house while we’re trying to sell it).

Presently exhausted — hoping to catch my first wind.

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The Weekend is Here; Bears Permanently Destroyed Again

How many times do these poor people have to get destroyed? It feels ritualistic, as if there’s some hand out there purposely luring people into bearish positions, only to quickly and savagely destroy them. After a week like this, I’ll need several gimlets tonight.

Things at House Fly took a turn for the disastrous this week, with my car needing $6k in repairs (fuck you Mercedes Benz) and the all cash buyer of my home backing out last minute. So now I’m back on the grind, toiling until the darkest hours of the night — making sure each and every crevice of the house could be eaten off from. I will be scrubbing all night long, good and hard, making sure I do a good job.

Tomorrow, complete strangers will cavort inside of my home and point at things they like and harshly critique some of the things that vex them. Most of these people are fuckers who like to house surf, non-serious about buying — wasting time for a living.

As you readily know by now, we canceled free trials at Exodus this week and stock picks will NO LONGER be given on the main site. I keep repeating this point for people just tuning in. After the summer, I might resume with the picks. Some of you don’t give a fuck — others do. Either way, it will not stop me from providing valuable insight. It’s just that, as a matter of fact, many of you good and fine people out there are blackguardly parasitic wastrels — and I mean that in the finest way possible. I love you — because I love what I do here — but we can’t have a symbiotic relationship here with me always giving and you doing nothing but taking.

On the issue of stock picks — I’ve started a new scheme where I’m selecting one stock for overnight holds. Yesterday’s was AYX, booked a 5.5% gain, before that DUST and before that ROKU. Today’s pick was very good, I think. I’d tell you — but it’s for closers only, fuckers.

HAGW.

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