Happy Easter

May the satanic Easter Bunny from hades gnaw away at your pagan face, while chocolate covered hands scratch away at your eyes.

Aside from that, try not to choke on any errant/oversized jelly beans.

As an aside, the deadline for submitting your interest in joining the iBC family is drawing near. I shall not tell anyone when my kind offer will expire. Just know,  the window of opportunity of blogging fame/stardom is about to close, in a very rude/abrupt fashion. And when it does, you will wish on a stack of bibles, covered with brown gravy, that you had submitted your resume earlier.

Good Day

Management

The recession has not affected the wallets of the Godly folks (me) at iBankCoin, mainly because our overhead is almost zero and I pay my bloggers less than the ancient Roman minimum wage. At any rate, I want to  “tab” another blogger. However, this person must have experience and be able to blog during market hours, unlike some of the lazier fuckers who take up space here.

To decide who gets the coveted spot of “tabbed blogger,” we will be holding “Trials and Executions,” whereby each contestant will be voted off or executed, until there is only one remaining. A battle to the death/last man standing, if you will.

Now, if you want to become our next tabbed blogger, please throw your hat in the ring, via a post in the Peanut Gallery. In addition, we will allow all applicants to buy ad space (dirt cheap, $10), in an effort to campaign or smear your fellow applicants. All ads will remain on iBC until another contestant buys one to replace it.

May the best or shadiest man win.

NOTE: From now on,  if any tabbed blogger on iBC goes dormant for more than 32 hours, punitive measures will be taken, fyi.

It was hot, blistering summer morning, in the year of our Lord 1999. I was dressed in my best navy blue suit, yellow tie, shiny— as tits in water— shoes. I hopped onto my morning train, iced coffee in one hand, Wall Street Journal in another. Life was grande.

After an hour of smelling homeless people stenches, I exited NYC’s underground subway. You see, that morning I was scheduled to meet one of my wealthiest clients. He was a very influential person, who could increase my up and coming business a great deal. I landed his account by referral and was performing better than his expectations, at least until that blistering summer morning.

My cell phone rang: it was my partner. “Dude, we got a problem.” I replied: “what, what the fuck is it?” He shot back: “Our fucking position, RAMP, it got fucked. Get here quick.”

When I got to the office, I asked my assistant if my client called. I reminded her that we had a morning meeting scheduled. She said: “he’s in your office now.” I was like: “WTF, it’s like 8:45am. Is this guy crazy?”

While walking to my office, I was nervous on many levels. For one, I had just been given the office and it was not kept very well. The walls had marks on them and the furniture was very low end. Let me be honest: it was a fucking glorified closet, with no windows and a bullshit office AC piped into the ceiling to keep the temperature under 110 degrees. Also, my partner had just called to tell me our fucking main position just got blown the fuck up. This client was long RAMP in size.

At any rate, I get to my office and I see him standing over my monitor, gawking at stocks. I almost felt bad interrupting his gaze. He turned and noticed my partner and I standing there and said: “hey guys!” I am startled by his size, nearly 6’5, 250lbs. I shook his hand and he tried to crush mine: but I resisted with great vigor, and crushed his.

I said to him: “we have a bit of a situation today. Shall we go to the conference room?”

On the way there, I kept thinking to myself, “what the fuck am I going to tell him” his fucking stock was down from $20 to $10 in premarket trading. Much to my chagrin and most definitely his, we were long 20,000 shares for his account.

To make a long story short, he was as cool as a clam about the whole situation. He was a big boy and knew the market was a diabolical place. In the weeks and months following that pounding, I recovered all of his losses and more, helping me land his other accounts and much desired referrals in the process.

The moral: never let a setback keep you down. It is nothing more than a way station to the ultimate destination of greatness.

So goes the story when I was first Ramp’d.

[youtube:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=etuVKtMiMWw 450 300]

Sold out of 85% of my SRS and FAZ positions.

I did not sell at the bottom, but who cares? I’ve been routed by men in florescent orange jumpsuits, who keep company with goats and lambs at night, in replace of female humans.

I don’t care about my longs, since my shorts woefully fucked me. It is a well deserved walloping, I suppose. For what it’s worth, I kept onto my losing [[FXP]], [[SCO]] and [[SSG]] positions, mainly for the sake of being a macabre ranting jackass.

Aside from that, life is peachier than a homo in a peach tree.

Into the bell, I bulked up on [[GNK]], knowing full well the market is likely to trade down 2,000 points on Monday. Nonetheless, my surrender would not be complete sans a little buying, don’t you think?

In closing, I am still up for the year; but have given back much of my gains—all in one fucking day. Going forward, I will be less of an ideologue, more of a weatherman, with regards to the markets and my positions.

Having big positions, long or short, during earnings season is a dice roll. If you were short [[WFC]] yesterday, your head is in a basket today. But the blade swings both ways. There will be huge gaps up and down, during the course of earnings season, currently underway.

The best approach, in my opinion, is to have both long and shorts. Naturally, if you are long one of the inverse etf’s of doom, there is no hedging that, sans an upside devil etf. Nonetheless, despite today’s run, I still believe, emphatically, the market is very close to overheating.

The signs are everywhere. When the lowest quality names are just taking the fuck off, leaving skid marks on the backs of unlucky shorts, it’s time to reevaluate the market. At the moment, I find myself saddled with a lot of small cap crap, which is not my investment style. Aside from [[DE]], [[GNK]] and [[ERX]], I am long [[AMKR]], [[EZCH]], [[GU]] (sold out), [[CIEN]], [[TER]], [[STAR]], [[PKD]] and [[LDK]] aka shit.

In addition, multiple micro-cap names are exploding to the upside. This is a sign of a tired market, not one breaking out. See, degenerate OTB guys love to trade small cappers and their whorish dollars are most abundant towards the end of bull runs.

Nevertheless, I do not have the balls to short stocks here, following today’s rout. Instead, I will look to sell the lesser quality names and rebuild my cash position to above 30%.

UPDATE: I sold 2,000 [[DE]] @ $37.40

UPDATE II: I sold out of [[EZCH]] @ $14.55

I bought 10,000 [[GNK]] @ $13.99 and 2,000 ERX @ $26.70.

Disclaimer: If you buy the above stocks because of this post, members of the Russian mafia will extort you. And, you may lose money.

I guess Meredith Whitney was right: don’t short banks into earnings, especially since they are being gifted money. It’s not a secret, my FAZ/SRS/SSG/SCO/FXP positions are being blow the fuck up, under a cloud of happiness and sheer joy—all thanks and praise to the King of the House of Saud.

At this stage, I just have to endure the needles in my eyeballs, until a brighter day of gloom and doom is upon us. With that in mind, I shall endeavor to take profits on the myriad of crap stocks populating my portfolios.

On a day like this, extreme melt up, we are unlikely to weaken and trade lower. My best guess, this fucker boot stomps the bears all the way to the closing bell. At the present, I am scouring the market for some swing longs and will execute a few in short order.

Bottom line: If you got caught short banks or anything else for that matter, only a miracle of disaster can save you now. The full wrath of men in pink leotards, “playing the bottom,” will make further inroads into your purse, if you’re not careful.

UPDATE: For the record, it’s rather odd to see the dollar up on a day like this. It goes against the laws of “fuck you, you’re dead” rallies.

UPDATE II: I sold out of [[GU]] at $2.40

I know a guy who knows a guy who cuts the hairs out of a certain King’s ears. This hard working man is shuttled from NY to Paris, then tossed onto a private jet to a middle eastern King, who pays him to cut the hairs out of his ears.

That’s fuck you money.

Speaking of which, while Obama was busy genuflecting to the Terrorist King, readying to suck his turban for a little Saudi cash, the assholes here at home approved TARP funds for life insurance companies.

Let me get this straight: life insurance companies take their premiums and make malinvestments in the stock market and/or make fucked up loans to fucked up businesses (CRE, C&I, C&D), then we (the taxpayers) are obligated to guarantee their losses? Are you fucking kidding me?

Next up, pension funds. I know someone that manages a billion for a certain pension. Last year, they were busy high fiving each other, at their annual Christmas party, for beating the S&P (“the benchmark”) by 5%. They were down 30%+. Great fucking news for them, no doubt—not so much for Joey Bag O’ Retirements.

Pensions across America, both private and public, are insolvent. They have lost so much money in the stock market; they will be forced to accept Federal dollars over the coming months.

How much you ponder?

The Government will likely “donate” $1-2 trillion dollars, minimum, in order to guarantee losses—thanks to all of the ridiculously stupid pension fund managers.

This country faces a tsunami of losses— and the Federal Reserve’s printing presses will not have enough ink to cover all losses. What is taking place here, without pulling any punches, is outright criminal and only supported by charlatans, like Cramer, who have a vested interest in promoting such egregious activities.

Regardless of what the stock market does in the near future, we, the tax paying moron, will pay for the transgressions of the people we despise. New York state is raising taxes on rich folk: fuck New York. Time to move out. The Federal government wants more tax dollars: fuck them too—find a loophole.

In short, bow down and kiss the feet of the CEO’s of any major bank, for they are your masters.

[youtube:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U7IQB8GXb7g 450 300]