Mother Russia, For the Win

It was the perfect set up. Putin got all Hitler on Europe for a few days, coercing the bears to crawl out from under the stairs–only to get shot, center-mast, like the zombies that they are.

I made 2% today and I’m not done going higher. I’d be up more, if it weren’t for my #3 position, SALE, lagging and sucking throughout the day. Nevertheless, I demand that you rejoice in the brand of modern day fascism Mother Russia is running with today. This whole democratic-capitalism crap hasn’t been too exciting as of late. I’m interested in wins and Comrade Putin has provided me with a venue to realize it.

10,000 salutations to the Kremlin staff for helping Vlad arrange this recent short squeeze and subsequent annexation of Crimea.

I am here, getting my stock on, buying up shares of the “IFON”, into the hot, hot, South American winter, where they will sell many “Very Kool” cellular mobile devices to indegenous indians.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JgHBeCqbLRk

The markets are up this morning on news that Vladimir Putin will not invade and eat up the rest of The Ukraine, such good news in such a short period of time. The market could barely digest it and did a boomerang on the futures (geniuses, once again) from -5 to +7.

The protectorate of all Russian speaking people everywhere, Vladimir Putin, has annexed the important part of The Ukraine, Crimea, and tossed aside the bankrupt part to the Europeans to figure out. This, of course, should be a warning shot on the tattered bows of Kazakhistan (sp?), Moldovo (sp?) and any other slavic country bordering Russia. God damn it, I don’t give a damn about how they spell the names of their countries.

I am not declaring any sort of victory this morning, for I have yet to see my stocks trade. But it should be a good day and I would like to offer my Greetings and Salutations to the merciful man from Moscow, Vladimir Putin, the hero.

According to The PPT, 68% of stocks went higher today. My pastiche of stocks did absolutely nothing for me today. Things looked great this morning, then, all of a sudden, I gave it all back, closing out the day +0.15% to the good, effectively concreting my position as a market loser–joining the ranks of a great many of you.

Instead of making excuses, I can tell you, unequivocally, I am positioned incourrectly. Maybe it’s all the Earl Grey tea that I am consuming. Or maybe it’s the high doses of creatine, coupled with an aggressive fitness routine. Or maybe it’s just my time to lose.

You know the feeling. The last guy at the end of the bar. The high school nerd without friends, gawking at the pretty cheerleaders. The guy in the Honda, driving around crime laden streets, in search for a liquor store open past 1am.

As of right now, I am that guy. The fake rolex watch guy, bootleg Hugo Boss wearing, plastic shoes having jackass. The loser. The guy who made 0.15% on a day when the market lifted 180.

You’ve got to love Option Addict. His pick from Friday is up a mere 26% today (KNDI) and he doesn’t even mention it in his daily scribes. There is certainly a method to his greatness that can be gleaned and very soon the plebs (you) from the internet are going to be invited to an event, in which he will be attending. More on that later (He’s doing a seminar, people).

Up until the last 10 minutes, I was unimpressed with this tape. But now, all of a sudden, there is vigor and tenacity to the ascension. With the market up 150+, you’d expect to see a broader participation in the market, with just 73% of stocks higher. But maybe I am just being a little impatient. Even still, I am underperforming, up just 0.5% for the session. Like all bad markets, I was up more earlier; but that sort of dissipated with time and now I am hoping for a second wind into the bell.

We’re at a point in the market where the bears are getting cocky. They see the news flow and think the market is topping. I wouldn’t place too much confidence in the bear call here, especially in the month of March. If you’re gonna bet against the tape, you’re better off waiting until May or June to execute some short sales.

One trade I am thinking about revisiting is natural gas. It’s going to take a monumental effort to rebuild the natural gas reserves back to 5 trillion bcf, following the bitter cold winter. We are likely to see continued strength for the duration of the year. I haven’t picked out my plays yet, but ECA, UPL and KWK are interesting to me.

I am sure many of you are disheveled over the lack of transvestites in today’s St. Paddy’s day festivities. This being one of the most sanctimonious holidays of the year, I feel it’s important to drink excessively and to pair that forced impairment with the direct purchase of stocks. This is the one day of the year when “The Fly” actively encourages and recommends to drink at the desk.

As for me, I did my drinking on Saturday night, so I won’t be doing any of that today. Nevertheless, I will be buying stocks–because that’s what gentlemen do when properly motivated.

I own the very best stocks. I do not own them because they will go up the most or even because they have the most potential. I own them, frankly, because I deem them to be “the best”; therefore, and this goes without saying, you should have a look at them too.

The Russian problem is on pause (extra homo) and the Crimea has been cast aside for something far more important: an opportunity to partake in debauchery. That, my friends, is the American way.

Cheers!

You’ve got to admit, the similarities between what Russia is doing to Ukraine is awfully reminiscent to what Nazi Germany did in the 1930’s. They are annexing Crimea to “protect Russian speaking citizens?” Do these people really think we are that stupid? A simple glance at an atlas will reveal that the Ukraine is fertile land, the bread-basket of mother Russia, being the #3 producer of corn in the world (hello Monsanto!) and #6 in wheat. Aside from that, strategically, the Black Sea ports in Crimea are vital for the Russian navy.

So Russia snatches Ukraine’s chain and as a result we slap meaningless sanctions on Russia. I read that one of their talking heads said they could “reduce America into radiative ash.” I must admit, after reading that sentence, I got a good, hard, chuckle out of it. I’d like to see them try to get away with it, however. We have nuclear silos in Atlantis, hidden islands in the sea with the ability to reduce Mother Russian into a garbage can. But that’s just talk and propaganda.

This is the bankable trade.

The Russians are controlled by corrupt oligarchs. What do oligarchs like to do? They like to throw parties in Monaco, whilst socializing with non-Russian aristocrats. They enjoy fine French wine, American clothes and London banking centres. Plus they are living fat off the German hog, being the #1 provider of natural gas to Europe. My bet is for peace via status quo. The Russians are the very worst people in the world, the very worst in the history of mankind, and I suspect they would like to retain that distinction, without the spectacle of war to muddy their designs on fine dining in Paris.

This, like all of the other crises of the past, shall whither in the wind, just like the useless tales of caution, spouted out, sloppily, by a certain Rickard Santelli.

Do you know what happens to your portfolios when the markets goes down? You lose money, banana brain. My stocks and “picks”, as you like to call them, have done poorly this week. Do you know why they did poorly? BECAUSE THE MARKET WENT DOWN, banana brain.

Am I supposed to curl up in the tub and cry myself until I drown? Or, perhaps I should ready myself for St. Patrick’s Day festivities tomorrow, hosted by yours truly, with a sincere intent to get inebriated?

Once again, for the new readers on the site, I will have to demonstrate how this works and what is going to transpire.

Because I own, what people like to call, “high beta stocks”, my drawdowns will probably outpace the general indices. The SPY was down less than 0.3% today, yet I shed another 1.5%. Naturally, whenever the market decides to bounce, my stocks will do better. So it’s important to do two things now:

1. Stay in the game.
2. Position myself for success.

Staying in the game means that I should prepare for worst case scenarios, stress test my portfolios to see if I could withstand a serious market drop. Leverage should be reduced, if not eliminated, and holdings should be diverse.

In order to position myself for success, it is imperative that I establish exit strategies for my losers. This entails a very specific and methodical labeling of my holdings. If XYZ drops by 10%, do I cut the loss or buy more? How low should I let XYZ go, before averaging down? Should I buy XYC into what looks like an upside reversal or continue to buy the dips, in 3,5 or 10% intervals.

The goal is to keep average cost in line with current prices. In the case of FEYE, since I bought it today above $80, I have no choice but to either sell the whole thing if it trades lower, or buy more. It would be foolish for me to do nothing and wait around for my cost basis to be realized, especially since I have 10% of cash on hand and another 50% or so in buying power.

I intend to stretch my buying power to the extremes, by managing my current positions, then letting go of some of them on the next bounce, like a god damned harpoon thrusting into a retarded whale, spastically galavanting about the sea.

The PPT will be my guide.

I hate Warren Buffet, him and his refusal to split his shares. Because of him, there are countless wannabes (Biglari Holdings, ticker BH, comes to mind) who allow their share prices to go higher, and higher, and higher–following the model of Berkshire. I must admit, this tactic has proven to be effective against the fickle shareholder base. Most retail investors are afraid of invest in stocks worth more than $100. Therefore, higher priced stocks tend to be less volatile these days.

There’s a bubble in super high priced stocks. Someone with resources ought to short the hell out of these bastards, just for the sake of doing it. These CEO’s deserve a comeuppance, believe you me. They think they’re so coy. Some of these hoodlums even reverse split their shares (Biglari Holdings, ticker BH, comes to mind), to wash out speculation. Well, someone ought to bring forth extreme speculation, of the violent sort, to the names mentioned below.

BRK
SEB
PCLN
GHC
MKL
AMZN
BIIB
CMG
PCP
UHAL
CLB
PNRA
MCK
VIPS
BH
NEU
MIDD
CF
SAM
NWLI
TSLA
ACT
WYNN
CSGS
SHW
PPG

Have you ever seen a more obscene group of stocks? Just looking at the symbols makes me want to punch someone in the face. Obnoxious and condescending at the same time. To hell with them.

I got to admit, I was tricked into thinking today would be a good day. I am looking at wheat, corn, oil, gold, silver, even coal, and they’re all higher. Treasuries were down earlier today and tech looked great. So, I bought more IFON and FEYE, thinking “what could go wrong?”

Apparently, everything.

The world is now on the brink of destruction. This is a double blue blazer market, folks. For those of you who’ve been around for awhile, you know exactly what that portends.

I am now down more than 1% for the day, yet I feel so complacent. It’s as if I were actually making money. Can you imagine that, making money in stocks?! Pffff.

Give war a chance, people. It’s not all that bad, aside from the occasional casualty.

Oh, by the way, retarded investors of America: when gold and silver trade higher, that’s BOOLISH for the pawn shops, since they hold more than Fort Knox and initiate loans based upon the collateral of personal jewelry, which happens to be gold.

Back to my electric chair.