L E M O N A D E

When I was a boy, there was a mentally ill man who used to torment all of the kids as they made their way to school. He’d drop gallons of milk from the 7th floor of the stairwell I used (I was on the 2nd fl). He made a whistling sound to accompany the ‘milk bomb’, as he unleashed a milky hell onto us unsuspecting kids. After he was finished drenching us with milk, he’d scream out at the top of his lungs “MAYONNAISE”, then he proceeded to the roof where he’d balance himself on the ledge, whilst throwing whole watermelons onto the pavement below. I swear to you everything that I just said is a true story.

Well today the bears were those innocent school children, trying to be punctual and shit–making their way down the stairwell– until gallons of lemonade came screaming down onto their heads.

It’s all over people. Don’t even try to short this market, for it wants higher.

Top three positions: EMES, PANW, BITA

I added to ARWR

You’re a jackass for selling the market short, aren’t you? I want you to admit it. Leave a comment under this blog and embrace the stupidity that runs throughout your veins. If it means anything at all, find solace in the fact that you’re a genetically inferior specimen. You travel this world in a foreboding manner because you already know the result: loss ship. You’ve experienced this your whole life, always on the receiving end of knuckled sandwich.

Now an enterprising man, one of means, would know his limitations and simply outsource or delegate the task of proper money management to qualified professionals. See, you don’t have to be a market guru to bank coin. All you have to do is be honest with yourself and set limits. The problem with most people is that they are liars, mountebanks pretending to be professionals–when they are simply amateurs.

If you seek to uplift yourselves from the squalor of housing tenements and live a parvenu lifestyle, come to grips with your limitations and quit pissing me off.

Protests in Hong Kong are causing a disruption in the matrix. Agents are being dispatched to deal with these freedom fighters. The world has had enough cries for freedom. Next thing you know, someone is getting their head sawed off.

Futures are sharply lower; but there are plenty of deals to speak of.

The biggest one is ATHL being acquired by ECA. This is significant for all permian basin players. Expect to see some of these names bucking the trend today.

AMBI was acquired for a huge premium. DWA is said to be in talks with Softbank. TIBX was acquired by private equity. And AMAG did a deal, sending their shares soaring.

These are examples of why it’s hard to bet against this market. Sure, there are pockets of weakness and we may correct for a bit. But there is a bid to behold thanks to all of that corporate cash on the sidelines, burning a hole in executives pockets.

TLT is up this morning, as yields sink lower. The dollar is stronger, especially versus the NZ dollar and european markets are soft. I didn’t expect to see the market opening down 100 this morning. But there is nothing I can do about it now. I’ve made my bed, one built from dreams of fantastic stock market runs, and now I will lay in it.

What next?

What’s next is this: giant fucking melt up in October, mother llamas.

Let me explain.

I was nervous about a large drop in september–but it didn’t happen. Technically, it could still happen, but not very likely. Let me walk you though some history, son, grab your pencils.

Since 1999, the NASDAQ has been down in september on 6 previous occasions, 2000, 2001, 2002, 2003, 2008 and 2011. Being that 9/11 occurred in 2001, it’s safe to say that was an outlier event. 2008 was also an outlier event, as the world was crumbling to pieces.

Here are the returns in september and october for the years mentioned above.

2000: -12.7%, -7.9% (dot come debacle)

2001: -21%, +17%

2002: -11.8%, +18.45%

2003: -2.9%, +8.5%

2008: -15.5%, -15.5%

2011: -4.5%, +10.4%

Which year is this market most like, if you were forced to choose, 2000, 2001, 2002, 2003, 2008 or 2011? I know the circumstances were different and there is no perfect match, but entertain me.

I already know the answer: 2003

The returns were greater back then–because we were climbing out from the abyss. But the patterns, month by month, match.

My best guess: we run higher by 5% in October.

One of our engineers used to work for the NSA and has a meticulous method by which to track all of you, by IP address and ‘street cams’. Consider yourselves under surveillance, 23 hours per day. That being said, I am happy to announce that “no new readers will be allowed to read iBankCoin”–set forth herein.

“But what does this mean for me?” cried the scaddly dressed lad from the rafters– with the likeness of a porcupine.

It means that you are fortunate to have visited the site before today. Any new readers will be redirected to the offices of Dr. Gregory Solomon.

“But why have ya done such a fookin stupid thing, ya dumb shite? cried the barberous man standing half naked in front of his television.

iBankCoin was never meant to be consumed on an industrial level. When I started off blogging, I never wanted any of you to read me. It was for my own pleasure, to write about the markets and discuss the depravity of my fellow man. But you wouldn’t stop coming. After finding the site, you forced friends and family to read us too. It has gotten to the point of utter and sheer ridiculousness that I have to share this website with so many other people, most of which are of a ‘low quality and caliber human being.’

“Will you ever open the site up for new readers again?” cried the gentleman smoking a pipe whilst throwing human flesh into his fireplace.

Perhaps. But at this point, all I can say is to go away and visit some other finance sites who like readers.

I’ll take one more question.

“BUY NUGT NOW”, cried the homeless man dressed in an overcoat, whilst roasting rat on a stick over a flaming barrel of garbage.

Banned.

Armageddon has been averted. All is good on the eastern front, as well as the west–especially since William H. Gross is kicking the nuts out of PIMCO. I made a 180 degree move today and if one of you little beer swillers leaves a comment, such as “THE TOP IS IN,” I will literally track you down and punch your ears off.

Aside from BITA, PANW and EMES, I pressed the nuclear button and went long 12 names, out of the 35 that I am long, in an effort to focus on what’s really important.

“What is important Fly?”

What’s important is that I make a ton of money, kick old people down subway steps, and tell my wife “out the way hun”, when I am into my stock shit.

Some of the names that I bought today include YELP, CHK, DVN, SLCA, BEAV, BX, LPNT, MY, BID and LAZ.

I am long, creatine strong, and abiding by the sublime laws of nature, dictated by mathematics (SHOMP).

NOTE: Remember to take advantage of the After Hours with Option Addict free trial today. It ends today.

Bulk buys in the above names. I am still in the process of allocating into a broad spectrum of names.

I sold them all.

I am in the process of reallocating.

I hate to get political on you; but I will do it anyway. I love the fact the Attorney General Eric Holder resigned–because it gives me all sorts of ideas where to place him next. I was thinking he could head up the IRS and Michelle Obama (MOBAMA) could be new AG. Why not? She’s a lawyer.

As IRS chief, Eric could wield his newly forged powers of middle earth and audit the shit out of the republicans who dare sue him. Then, using his new powers, he could build IRS prisons and mandate that anyone found guilty of tax evasion, of course with the approval of the new AG, be sentenced to a minimum of 15 years. The prisons will be fashioned after the old gulags of Siberia, work camps where men go to die or succumb to frost bite and have their legs sawed off.

Lastly, I propose that President Obama be afforded another term, a curtain call of sorts, in the style of the great FDR, so that we might endure his grandeur and superb basketball skills for another 4 years.