GOD DAMN IT JANET YELLEN, I WANT MORE QE

I have millions in cash, yet I still found myself down more than 2% for the day. I know what you’re thinking: what’s 2% for a Space Alien Magician like you (SAM)? Well, I will tell you what it means to me.

IT’S YOUR ENTIRE NET WORTH COMPILED OVER 10,000 LIFE TIMES.

Look, I don’t have the time for this sort of shit. I want my bull market and I want it now, otherwise Le Fly is going to Romania this time and he isn’t coming back.

Naturally, and as you well know, I will sit back and smoke my pipe, blowing embers into your faces, as I wait for Exodus to launch its first oversold signal. You’d have to be a complete fucking idiot to not bend the knee to the amazing abilities of my robotic brain, having timed the market bottoms to the exact day, at an 84% win rate, since 2008.

I digress, I really do.

Life isn’t supposed to be this hard, lads. We were born to live a life of extreme carelessness and decadence, partake in hedonistic adventures, and generally not give a fuck. THIS WILL NOT STAND. I hereby demand MOAR quantitative easing and a return to grace for holders of equities.

Be patient and bide your time. EXODUS is your friend.

For the record, I feel that any man past the age of 30 wearing sneakers, let alone collecting them, definitely suffers from an acute mental disorder. There comes a point in a persons life when he/she must make a decision. The choice is simple.

Do I continue to live my life like a cheesed doodled face bedraggled microbe, clad in clown-ware?

Or, should I comport myself with a modicum of decency, integrity, and a higher decorum?

Having said that, I am a citizen of a country whose inhabitants relish the inane, watch pornography throughout the work week, and kill each other for moronic footwear.

“The Fly” doesn’t melt when things get hot. He’s not a fucking snowman, despite being cool as shit. I sold out of ONCE, booking a two day +12% gain. With half of the proceeds, I started a position in FINL, in an attempt to profit from the rising murder rate, in and around retailers of Air’d Jordan sneakers.

Cash is heavy, so don’t fuck with me. I’ll murder you, whether you have stupid sneakers on or not.

You’ve got to be fucking kidding me, right? Just yesterday I was greeted to a most horrific earnings reaction with SAVE. So, like any gent with reason would do, I sold it down and out and then reallocated into a sundry of proper stocks.

The results are in and I am clown raped, skewered and shin kicked, long TEX and AGIO into decapitation.

TEX disappointed in an earnings call gone awry. AGIO was downgraded by a fifth rate boutique firm. This is all having a profound effect on yours truly, sitting here long bad stocks in what can only be described as the omega of our little stock market rally.

On a more pleasant note, my year to date gains are bountiful (+17%) and I’ve built up a large cash position. Oh, by the way, I own HAR too.

FUCK MY LIFE.

The market threw me off kilter this morning, with SAVE knifing lower. Very calmly, I FUCKING LIQUIDATED THE POSITION AND PUNCHED HOLES INTO MY SHEET ROCK, and then I reallocated into gentlemen stocks.

I bought more AGIO, very pleasantly.

I then, ever so gingerly, purchased some TEX. Thank you very much.

And then I placed the cherry atop the strawberried shorted cake and bought N, without a worry in the world.

As this occurred, death, mayhem and also torture occurred around me. Most people were blinded by their losses today, but not I.

In the year of “The Fly”, which is now, one cannot lament over losses and transient victories. We are interested in the bigger picture.

Speaking of which, I know where all of you live and dine. I expect all of you to join the ranks of Exodus today. That doesn’t mean tomorrow and whenever the fuck you are good and ready for it. I spent half a decade building this thing for you, priced it to scale, and now I expect, as good citizens of iBankCoin, for you to pay your respects by paying homage through monetary expense.

Good day to you.

If this deal goes through, I can guarantee you it will ignite a consolidation frenzy in software. Most of the time I do not react so quickly to buyouts, since most of them are company specific. However, in this particular case, I own N from lower prices and loved their last earnings report. The stock sold off for retarded reasons. They’ve been on Larry Ellison’s “buy the fuck out when I’m good and ready” list for almost a decade.

Should CRM get acquired, N will jump and jump hard, well over $100.

Needless to say, I added to my position here.

I am quickly devolving into a biotech pinless hand grenade juggler. This is going to end well, indeud.

I added to AGIO, making it my largest position. I am still very cash heavy for dollars earmarked for trading.

NOTE: EXODUS is live.

I started a position in TEX. If this stock disappoints me, I can guarantee you there will be hell to pay.

Looking at my largest position today is no different from bearing witness to an ancient relic designed to curse its owner. At this very moment in time, I am cursed to look at this piece of shit, as it burns my money into the air, turning it to dust, then gobbled up into its stupid, cheap, generic, airplane engines. I am going to sell SAVE every which way but loose, until my fingers start to bleed. I’ve just managed to take a +6% gain and morph it into an idiot -5% loss.

On the surface, it means very little, as you and I both know a small pittance such as this can do NOTHING to a man, such as myself. It’s more than money, though, lads. This fucked with my ego, something worth trillions of Mexican pesos.

I had the airlines trade right. I should’ve bought AAL or JBLU. Instead, I lowered myself to plebeian standards and bought a motherfucking bus with wings. This afternoon, I am paying for my transgressions.

In related news, my ONCE is spring boarding higher, like a male pervert in a sorority. You were stupid for not following me into that.

Everything else is black, putrid, horrible. GDP growth is non-existent, which means Grandma Yellen cannot raise rates. Oh, what a surprise (takes shot of 155 proof poison).

All of you are preparing for Derby weekend, aren’t you? It’s just an excuse for you to degenerate yourselves further, work towards a path of alcoholism and eat salty and disgusting foods. All of your guests will arrive wearing hats, because they’re idiots. The men will drink so much they will forget how to walk straight, all the while imprisoned horses are whipped by midgets to outstrip its fellow equine.

Sounds like a lovely day.

As for me, I am busy with the launch of EXODUS. God willing, we will get an OVERSOLD signal soon, which none of you freeloaders will get to enjoy, and we will run away from the rest of you, rich and happy, dripping with coins and satchels of dollars.

Many, many satchels of dollars.

After 5 years of development, and a countless fortune spent on creating the single best resource for professional and individual traders alike, gentlemen and ladies: the Exodus is now.

I am going to crack a bottle of Veuve Clicquot to celebrate this momentous occasion, one that will elevate the software standards for the Fintech industry immediately.

iBankCoin stands for excellence. You are getting exactly that, AND MORE, with this product.

Enjoy.

Don't Bet Against Me from iBC on Vimeo.

I am going to create a tool inside of Exodus that will flag companies that might pose significant risk heading into earnings. It’s very easy to know which stocks can potentially harangue your face. Look, I’m gonna help the little guy again.

Get a subscription to briefing.com. I don’t get paid for telling you to do that. When you’re in, you can look up your stocks earnings history. If they’ve missed earnings on the top line or bottom line, once over the past 4 quarters, you’re at risk.

If, by chance, your stock is trading in excess of 10x sales, you’re automatically at risk. There isn’t a rational reason to play earnings in names like GPRO or TWTR since they’ve never proven anything or are trading at excessive valuations. One new stock that comes to mind, when thinking about earnings risk, is SHAK. Here’s a stock trading at the most expensive valuation of any restaurant stock in the history of the market. Should those fuckers sell one frenched fry less than expected, Wall Street will slap the shit out of that stock sideways, until its face falls off.

TWTR is down sharply because it was trading 20x sales.

I ended up flat for the day, still with a strong (like cock) cash position.

NOTE: I swear on a stack of bibles, Exodus will launch today. We are having Paypal integration issues and have been attempting to kill Ebay all day long because of it.

Don't Degrade The Champion from iBC on Vimeo.