I got good news and bad news.
The good news is, the economy is on fire, likely creating 1 million jobs in February. The bad news is, you’re all gonna starve anyway. ROFLMAOMG!!!!!!!!!!!!
Corn
But I have a solution. As we speak, “The Fly” is drafting up a 50 page power-point presentation, Bill Ackman style, regarding my proposal to peg the dollar to the price of corn. In other words, yes, I am suggesting we go on “the corn standard.” I will present this detailed plan on CNBC, as soon as I am finished.
I am confident this plan will resonate with policy makers and bearded clams alike. For one, it will bring stability to our whacky, third world style currency. We can walk around in sheep’s skinned coats, comfortably knowing and bragging about our currency being backed by “hard, tangible assets.” We make shit here and will be the envy of the world.
Secondly, the Federal Reserve, backed by The First Bank of Corn, can always ask the First Bank of Corn to simply plant more corn. The more corn planted, the more money we will have (i.e. “rich as fuck”).
Third, we can walk around with nibblets in our pockets and either pay for shit or have an afternoon snack. Win, win.
Lastly, after the corn standard is installed, we can control government spending by demanding those fuckers on capitol hill “show us the corn.” No corn, no tomahawks. Plain and simple.
Failure to adhere to my plan will result in the eventual starvation of 75% of you corn can fuckers out there. So, I strongly suggest you support my “creamed corn” plan to prosperity, else your bones will soon be used to fertilize my corn crops.
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