Long ago people celebrated Christmas for religious purposes. Nowadays, everyone celebrates and sucks on the cock of a mythical Satanist who travels by way of sled into the homes of young children and then eats their cookies and leaves little presents. He leaves these presents for no reason whatsoever, other than the fact he is rich AF and employs thousands of slave elves to build shit for him.
In America, poor people and rich people alike spend money recklessly in order to placate bratty children with toys they don’t need and often will never even open out from their boxes. Gifts are wrapped fancily and stacked like bricks under a plastic tree adorned with kitsch lighting and baubles made in China. Everything about this holiday spells Sodom and Gomorrah, yet like clockwork we all succumb to the social pressures of this ritual each and every year — because to ignore it or to loathe it means you’re Scrooge, and an evil businessman who kills Tiny Tim and is doomed for a cold grey graveyard alone and destitute and sent to hell.
I’ve tried to temper my approach to this holiday and often found myself masking the poor taste in my mouth with quality wine. But, as I have committed myself to NO BOOZE TILL SUMMER, I am now forced to withstand this barrage sober and I look upon the Amazon packages being tossed against my door with a painful remorse, a reminder that I’ve done something wrong by adhering to social indoctrination. Nevertheless, and I mean this with the utmost candor, I shall press on into pagan Xmas and spend more money now than at any time during the next 12 months because everyone that we know must be rewarded via some sort of vaudeville styled gift in order to show our true appreciation for their friendship and existence. Our children will rejoice in their gifts, count them even, and shortly after opening thousands of dollars in gifts resort back to their cyber lives and leave us to clean up the mess they left behind.
After a nice fat turkey, we will then discuss what we might do on New Year’s eve.Comments »