Desperation: Walmart Acquires Start Up Jet.com For $3 Billion

Believe it or not, this is the largest e-commerce acquisition, ever. I’ve never ventured off to Jet.com, mainly because nothing is better than Amazon or Ebay.

Jet.com was founded two years ago by CEO Marc Lore, who will remain at the company to teach the fucking morons at Walmart about the internets. I suppose Marc was working real hard these past two years, building Jet.com from scratch into an entity that enticed and allured the corporate HACKS at Walmart to acquire them for 6x sales.

Truth be told, I find it rather amazing that Jet.com did $500m in sales last year. How the fuck does an ecommerce company go from dick in hands to $500m in two years? Pray fucking tell me, the world wants to know.

Maybe they took some of their VC money and bought lotto tickets, and with the winnings bought a bunch of lamps and rugs and shit from their site?

I really want to know.

According to CrunchBase, the company raised $800m from a sundry of greedy fucking bastards, including Fidelity–who chipped in $500m, which was likely all designated into performing ‘revenue QE’ for the companies balance sheet– by purchasing a bunch of lamp shades and tea kettles.

THE COMPANY IS BASED OUT OF HOBOKEN, NJ for christ’s sake, land of the hobo and boozehound.

The CEO, Marc Lore, stands to rake in $750m from the transaction.

What are the Chinese going to do? Perhaps they can dig for oil on one of their manmade islands? You never know, they might get lucky.

I have nothing better to do on a Saturday ‘evening’ at 2:46 in the AM than to report to you this horrible news. I walk the streets in the night, in search of blood, because I am a vampire.

At any rate, these FOREX reserves numbers came in as expected. Before the whole ‘capital flight’ that China endured in early 2016, FOREX reserves were above $4t. Not anymore, fucked faces.

Also, and this goes without saying (whatever the fuck that means), the Chinese seem to be interested in gold. Ahead of the Olympics, it appears they acquired lots of the shit. Maybe the made a bunch of solid gold medal for some of their community organizers and social media TZARS? For the month of July, gold reserves rose to $78b up from $77.4b. Whoa.

Comparatively, we’re doing pretty good too. Lots of our debt is owned by the Chinese, making them our bitches. Also, the Federal Reserve owns almost twice the amount of debt than China, making them our true masters. How could we owe money to ourselves, you ponder? Fucking.magic.

The Fed owns 2.46t of the debt and our agencies, like Social Security, own another $803b. Mutual funds own another $1t+, and a few haggardly peasant countries, like Japan and China, own a trilly plus of it. It’s a wonderful thing.

Our current account is fucked up too. But markets love that shit. Spend more. Fuck the grandkids. Do more coke.

The debt bubble is massive. But who gives a shit when we’ll just order the Fed to print more of that fucking coin and buy treasuries in the open market? If their printing presses break, we’ll order the states and govt agencies to toss their cash into it and mandate that mutual funds can only permit clients to buy government money market funds, fucking all of the private ones. Oh, that’s right, we already do that.

Happy fucking Sunday. Enjoy your day at church.

It was an interesting week, with shorts getting arrested on Friday, flung carelessly into ravines, as markets ripped tits, higher, to new all-time highs. Inside of the hallowed halls of Exodus, there was lively discussion inside The Pelican Room (12631), pertaining to a great many trades and community oriented ideas.

In the beginning of the week, I highlighted SWKS as oversold and designated it as the Exodus pick of the week. While it struggled early in the week, towards the end it proved to be marginally profitable.

Once again, I was dispatched into the poorhouse with another wise idea to short crude, into the hole. This was an idea of mine, nothing to do with the algorithms. I’ll hang on to this bowser until early next week.

Based off impressive overbought data, I sold short FCX. Despite the rally in stocks, FCX closed lower than my entry point. I am confident in this short enough to hold it for another week, maybe longer. Additionally, TLT paid out its monthly divvy, lowering my cost to $118.85.

Towards the end of the week, the German ETF, EWG, was flagging OS. This had me thinking about swapping out the Exodus long pick for EWG. I might do this trade next week.

As of Friday, some overbought stocks, with impressive stats, include BHP, MUR, CEA, ETFC, JBL, MU, ESRX and ORCL.

On the oversold side, NSA, G and SIX look okay.

Overall, it was a solid week for oil, banks and semis, while utilities, gold and REITs suffered.  This is exactly what you want to see as a bull, all of that scared money fleeing for riskier parts of the market.

Looking at the individual industries, banks and semis look very overbought, while utilities and gold are pressing the low end of their recent ranges. These charts aren’t price oriented. They are a composite of all technical and fundamental grades, based off the Exodus algorithms, in an effort to find predictive patterns. You be the judge.

Notice how the current range is much higher than last year, before the melt up in gold? This is a result of shallower pullbacks, indicative of a sector that is prone to be purchased on dips. Exodus is constantly learning to evaluate ranges in real time, using moving averages.

Based off the above charts and several key stocks that are overbought, I’d bet for a pullback of a primordial nature in the week ahead. Also, TLT is oversold on its 3 mo algo, albeit with limited occasions to judge the signal. It’s, nonetheless, impressive.

It comes down to this one question: is the market behavior about to change or will the status quo that is sleepy and methodical in nature, at times tedious and frustrating, preside over the indices?

Classic older Clint Eastwood here. He just wants you to get off his damn lawn and to stop being so damn stupid. Although a bit racist and somewhat XENOPHOBIC, Clint’s character proves himself to be a good man.

America used to be filled with strong men like this. Now it’s been reduced to a bunch of losers venturing off into transgender bathrooms, protesting law enforcement officers with crack pipes in their front pockets.

We are making history today. The jobs market is raging hot. If you were to touch it in an attempt to test its temperature, it’d melt the skin right off your dirty paws.

Everything traded up today, in a continuation of embellished hedonism. Profits are flowing freely. Men with topped hats and canes are walking about the thoroughfare with their wives behind them draped in jewels and the heads of foxes. Everything you thought you knew about economics, taught to you by old guard professors in college, was a lie. Supply and demand only matter when the economy isn’t being managed by professionals.

Bear in mind, there will be a plethora of haters out there, persons of grave disinterest trying to defecate on this grandiose display of American exceptionalism. But, rest assured, profits will be ‘enjoyed’ by those brave enough to venture out into the woods. At first glance, said woods look haunted and wrought with flesh eating ghouls. But upon further inspection, it’s actually a paradise with dick sucking butterflies and marijuana-scented aromas permeating the environs.

The negative rate situation in Europe and Japan have been alleviating in recent days. Additionally, crude oil has bounced and earnings have come in better than expected.

NOTHING AT ALL can stop this market. You may fashion yourselves to be learned men, or even cynics who live in a state of denial. But the record highs in front of your faces are very much real, indeud. Anything to suggest these profits of enjoyment are undeserved– or the result of wanton manipulation– is blasphemous slander and falls in under, and in accordance with, rules and regulations against American rights to make a decent wage and to live comfortably under the umbrella of one big fucking giant government tit.

This is very, very desirable for me. Personally, Hollywood is boring to me, as well as U.S. media in general. With the purchase of Carmike Theatres by Chinese owned AMC, coupled with a potential BABA for NFLX deal, the great walled nation of China is positioning themselves to control U.S. cinema content.

I know some of you still pine for the days of freedom and ‘rights.’ But you’ve had your ‘fun in the sun.’ Now it’s time for a little middled earth totalitarianism. The American people are a disgusting brand of ‘Don’t Tread on Me‘ flag waving racists. The Chinese rules and censorship will whip this idled, welfare loving, state of catamites– right back into shape.

Unfortunately, this ‘low information’ reporter at RE/CODE doesn’t think the deal will happen. After China buys RE/CODE, I hope they fire him.

Shares of NFLX are sharply higher on this rumor.

It’s worth noting, NFLX is straight up since reporting an abysmal quarter. Good times.

You’re all having a splendid day. I figured this might make you feel a little better to know that ugly revolutionary ‘snake flag’ is going to be cast out from Americana.

Next up, ban pictures of George Washington.

Everything makes sense, with exception to the fact that the market doesn’t give a shit about the economy. It refuses to cede any real gains, as it pertains to chances of a Fed rare hike.

Yesterday, the chances of a September hike was 9%. Today it doubled, but only 18%. The chances for a December hike are just 40%. As a matter of fact, the market is pricing in zero rate hikes for the next year.

Whatever.

The dollar is still up big, commodities down, stocks up.

The market doesn’t always make sense, but today it does.

Let’s review.

Stocks are higher because the economy is doing well, as indicated by the July jobs report.

Yeah I know, 94m people aren’t in the jobs market. Fuck those people.

The dollar is surging v the euro because people believe the Fed will hike rates. Frankly, if the economy is strong, they should. Moreover, people should get over it already.

As a result of the perceived tightness in US monetary policy, the dollar gains are pushing down commodities.

If we’re being true and honest here, gold, silver, oil and the rest of them should trade down on the perception that the Fed will hike. This was the primary reason why I sold out of my gold positions. Moreover, this is one of the reasons why I am short FCX and oil drillers.

As far as bonds are concerned, the short duration yields will be affected most. As a matter of fact, US 30 yr should do okay, since we didn’t have QE in the first place. Plus, the market is always skittish about the global economy and will continue to buy our bonds in favor of Japan and Europe’s. Providing negative yields persist overseas, a floor is in place for TLT.