Kraft-Heinz Withdraws ‘Clown Offer’ of $143 Billion After Unilever Told Them to Fuck Off

The joke bid $KHC perpetuated for all of $UL last week has been withdrawn, after the mayofags at Unilever told the ketchup goons at Kraft-Heinz to buzz off.

Clearly, no one wants a single company to control all of the comdiments. No matter how many boxes of macaroni and cheese and jars of relish the executives at Kraft-Heinz threw at the cucks at Unilever, they’d never surrender. Uniting Heinz ketchup and Hellman’s mayonnaise is one of the 66 seals of hell. Therefore, we should all view this rejection by Unilever as a win for mankind, equal to that of a Trump victory over Hillary Clinton, or allied win over the evil bastards from Japan.

Source: NY Times

“Unilever and Kraft Heinz hold each other in high regard,” the companies said. “Kraft Heinz has the utmost respect for the culture, strategy and leadership of Unilever.”

But Michael Mullen, a Kraft Heinz spokesman, offered more detail on why the company had stepped away so soon from its bid. “Kraft Heinz’s interest was made public at an extremely early stage,” he said. “Our intention was to proceed on a friendly basis, but it was made clear Unilever did not wish to pursue a transaction.”

“It is best to step away early so both companies can focus on their own independent plans to generate value,” he added.

Both stocks soared on Friday. Be sure to roast marshmallows over them when they crash and burn on Tuesday.

Back to the drawing board ketchup goons. We all look forward to reading about another FAKE takeover offer in our FAKE newspapers.

During the Bill Maher carnival show this Friday, Milo (his last name is fucked) was accosted by ‘terrorism expert’, Malcolm Nance, who told him to ‘fuck off’ and laughed at him at even thinking about preferring Russia to our dear allies and alleged financiers of global terrorism, Saudi Arabia.

Milo didn’t get a chance to reply, but he was likely going to point out the retrograde human rights violations that Saudi Arabia implements during their casual course of life, anti women, anti gay, anti anything but Islam ideologies. When juxtaposed against Saudi Arabia, Russia is a beacon of human rights and liberalism, until now.

The House of Saud has proven its detractors wrong again, proudly announcing it has appointed an actual female, who is very likely to have been vaginally mutilated, as is customary in those parts, to a top position in finance.

Fuck you Saudi haters. Take that.

Saudi Arabia’s Samba Financial Group named Rania Mahmoud Nashar as chief executive officer, the second woman recruited for a top finance-industry position in recent days as the country undertakes unprecedented social and economic change.

Nashar’s appointment is effective from today, according to a statement to the stock exchange on Sunday. She replaces Sajjad Razvi who resigned for personal reasons. On Thursday, NCB Capital Co. CEO Sarah Al Suhaimi was named the first woman to chair Saudi Arabia’s stock exchange, the region’s largest.

The appointments are significant for a country where the female unemployment rate is more than 34 percent and women aren’t allowed to drive. They also need a guardian’s consent to travel outside the country or marry. Change is starting to happen with the number of working women jumping 50 percent between 2010 and 2015, and more Saudi women entering male-dominated fields such as banking and engineering.

Before joining NCB Capital, Al Suhaimi was chief investment officer at Jadwa Investment and a senior portfolio manager at Samba Financial Group. Her father, Jammaz Al Suhaimi, was the head of the Capital Market Authority, the market regulator, until 2006.

The kingdom’s $439 billion stock exchange, which opened to foreigners in 2015, is seeking to attract more overseas investment as part of the country’s plans to diversify the economy away from oil.

It’s widely rumored that Saudi Arabia will soon permit women to walk dogs without the company of a man and maybe ride bicycles between the hours of 6am to 7:30am. It is not, however, believed that they will be permitted to drive automobiles yet, as they’ve demonstrated an unwillingness to grasp the concept of advanced machinery, thus far — according to Saudi officials.

Before you chimp out and declare all Muslims bomb toting savages, consider the fact that they invented algebra and have supreme taste in oil. I’d remind you that only the majority of terrorist attacks are from persons of Islamic persuasion and that some terrorist attacks, MUH TIMOTHY MCVEIGH, were carried out by white Americans.

During a speech given today, Germany’s leader, Angela Merkel, pointed out how it was Germany’s duty to accept and integrate people seeking refuge from the middled east. Islam isn’t the problem, according to Merkel. Ergo, quit being racist pigs.

“I think, those countries, first and foremost have to give a contribution. Because only in this way we would be able to convince people that it is not Islam that is the source of terrorism. But a falsely understood Islam,” Merkel said, according to Al Jazeera.

“I expect from religious authorities of Islam to find strong language in order to delimitate peaceful Islam from terrorism committed in the name of Islam. We as non-Muslims cannot do this, it should be done by Islamic clergy and authorities,” she said.

“When we look at the images of bombed out Aleppo in Syria, we have to say once again how important and right it was for us to have helped those who needed our protection to find their way here and to integrate,” she said.

“As we go on with our lives and work, we tell the terrorists: You are murderers full of hate, but you will not determine how we live and want to live. We are free, compassionate and open,” she said.

Many people often ask why Europe is inflicting these wounds upon their societies. Perhaps the answer lies in the projected demographic trends, as affluence spirals through western countries like a plague — causing dramatic reductions in procreation. A few years ago, Tesla’s Elon Musk discussed this very topic — saying depopulation is the greatest risk to humanity since the Black Plague.

The conspiratorial angle on all this lies within the actuarial ledgers of the big banks. Less people equals less debt issuances, means lower GDP. By importing fresh people into Europe and America, banks will acquire new customers to extend credit and subsequently find a means to juice national GDP.

Credit expansion is all a Ponzi scheme after all (car loans, credit cards, home loans, margin loans), and the average decadent westerner is tapped out, already laden with too much debt, leaving banksters with a real problem heading into the future.

I’m sure the Washington Post is ruing the day that one of their retarded interns suggested weaponizing the term ‘fake news’ as a way to discredit independent media. Clearly, they were unaware of the long lasting ramifications — as they now hang from their own petard.

Last night, CNN’s Don Lemon brought a panel of guests to discuss the costs to protect the first family, in this case glossing over 8 years filled with exorbitant family vacations for the Obamas, which included Michelle’s mother and a troupe of people that cost the American people in excess of $85m, instead focusing in on Trump’s 3 weeks worth of golf outings where he entertained foreign dignitaries.

So Lemon was having a gay olde time, sashaying from one cucked guest to the next — until he reached PARIS DENNARD, who calmly dismissed Lemon’s segment as yet another episode of fake news — which caused Lemon to melt down, saying ‘STOP SAYING FAKE NEWS.’

Hilarious. Watch.

(ADJUSTS MICROPHONE)

Ladies and gentleman, Comrades and local Oligarchs,

Our beloved leader, President Donald John Trump, whilst raising a right wing goon squad to deal with dissidents, has issued the following statement — regarding our media and domestic enemies of the state.

The FAKE NEWS media (failing @nytimes, @NBCNews, @ABC, @CBS, @CNN) is not my enemy, it is the enemy of the American People!

— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) February 17, 2017

What does this mean for you?

As a reader of FAKE NEWS, you’re hereby ordered to cease and desist supporting the above agencies, for very soon they will be placed on the domestic terrorist list, via DHS.

Additionally, all employees of the aforementioned organizations are encouraged to come forward and provide the imperial regime with information leading to the arrest of enemies of the state who actively plot with known terrorists (globalists, democrats, leftards) to undermine the administration.

In summary, the media started with the designation of ‘dishonest’ to ‘fake news’ to ‘very fake news’ and are now deemed ‘enemies of America.’ Should you know the whereabouts of a FAKE NEWS operator, formerly known as ‘journalist’, please contact your local magistrate and receive free raffles for the next flour and yeast giveaway.

The following people are wanted by the American people.

Fellow passenger boarding at Midway: "Good tweets. I voted for him, but Trump's 'enemy of the people' thing is nuts." #EveryoneIsOnTwitter!

— Bill Kristol (@BillKristol) February 17, 2017

This is dangerous and unacceptable. pic.twitter.com/g0n2k0DZtc

— Craig Newman (@craignewman) February 17, 2017

Only a FAKE PRESIDENT would declare the First Amendment to be the enemy of the American people. https://t.co/ZFZvlTf8Az

— Joe Scarborough (@JoeNBC) February 17, 2017

It's not just inappropriate for President Trump to call the US media "the enemy of the American people," it's unAmerican.

— Stephen Hayes (@stephenfhayes) February 18, 2017

"The FAKE NEWS media (failing @nytimes, @CNN, @NBCNews and many more) is not my enemy, it is the enemy of the American people. SICK!"

— David Frum (@davidfrum) February 17, 2017

Rejoicefully,

Comrade Fly, local commander, Revolutionary Media

I’m so sick of being called a fascist without actually benefitting from fascist actions and tenets. For example, since us fascists are in power, we should be permitted to ’round up’ political dissidents, such as the skinny lads fighting garbage cans in Seattle, and send them to prison camps aka ‘gulags’ (put yourselves in our shoes). We can do prisoner exchange programs with our new friends in Moscow, and truly get to enjoy the fruits of our right wing, nazi inspired, fascism (pro-tip: Nazism was a left wing movement).

Here’s a ‘leaked’ memo from within the bowels of the Whited House, revealing ACTUAL right wing goon squads being theorized and planned, for the explicit purposes of apprehending illegal immigrats.

Read the draft memo behind my @AP story on the proposal to mobilize National Guard for immigration enforcement: https://t.co/m15VFujbJ1

— Garance Burke (@garanceburke) February 17, 2017

The DHS tried to bullshit their way out of it, saying it was a ‘very early draft.’

A DHS official says memo was "a very early, pre decisional draft… and was never seriously considered by the Department"

— Dorey Scheimer (@DoreyScheimer) February 17, 2017

Right, that’s like me making plans to commit arson as a means to cash in on insurance money, as an ‘early draft’ of increasing my net worth. No one does stuff like that.

Or do they?

Here’s the money shot in the memo.

“I am directing the Commissioner of CBP and the Director of ICE to immediately engage with the Governors of the States adjacent to the land border with Mexico and to those states adjoining such border States for the purpose of entering into agreements of section 287(g) of the INA to authorize qualified members of the state National Guard, while such members are not in federal service, or qualified members of a state militia or state defense force under the command of the Governor, to perform the functions of an immigration officer in relation to the apprehension, investigation and detention of aliens in the United States.”

See what you’ve done leftard America? You’ve forced perfectly rational people into assembling right wing goon squads because you wouldn’t shut the fuck up about nazis and fascism.

You’ve destroyed one too many garbage pails and now you’ll pay for those transgressions. You’re going to be arrested and sent to black sites —  and all you’ll have to show for it is a few snarky moments of joy, at home, with your gay spouses.

NOTE: The alleged goon squad will comprise of 100,000 National Guard, 85% of whom have voted for republicans during every election cycle of their natural born lives.

Ciao

Make believe it isn’t happening. Actually, I find that when I am losing vast sums of money, like now, when I close my eyes and think of swimming in the ocean amidst the coral and the starfish, my losses aren’t that bad after all. Currently, my position of 160% long into the teeth of an acrimonious, primordial even, drawdown in stocks like $TECK, $HBM and $TGB have taught me nothing but to appreciate the candor by which the market expresses itself.

Granted, in this case, she’s expressing herself by cocking a pistol and firing it into my groin — with the hopes of gravely wounding me. Lucky for me, I have, virtually, unlimited resources and the patience of a fucking pirate skeleton.

Trust me, I’d much rather talk about my losses and how they mean nothing at all than General Flynn and the 9-d chess game Trump is playing with the mayne stream meteor.

Basic resources have collapsed today, for no reason other than to sell off. The market ebbs and flows. At the present, it’s flowing… with the effervescent joy of 10,000 margin calls (you thought I’d say blood, didn’t you?).

When I was a young stock broker, cold calling for dollars, I had a margin call clerk named ‘Felicia.’ She was a fucking brute and a bitch. She had zero regards for my financial well being. As a matter of fact, I believe she enjoyed liquidating accounts, especially if they were negative equity. I am certain some of you young advisors in the business get to enjoy your own Felicias today — cold hearted black soul bitches who’ve been placed on the earth to make the lives of well meaning, good looking, rich men, tumultuous.

Well, I’m older now, smarter, and significantly uglier, but with a lot more money. Margin calls aren’t an issue for me now, as I have, what some might call, ‘permanent capital.’

(Jesus Christ, the hubris of this article is outrageous!)

The sell off should be embraced by all. Stocks like $ROCK should be purchased using one’s cock as collateral (I’m a poet and didn’t even know it).

Top picks: $TECK, $CLF, $UEC, $HBM

Big oil stocks are down 5% over the past month — now approaching oversold territory, according to Exodus. For the sake of explaining my thought process on this situation, I interviewed myself.

You may gaze at the chart below and wonder to yourself ‘what the fuck is Fly showing me?’

I showed you the front end of my fucking time machine, you ungrateful fucks.

‘What does this mean for oil stocks?’

It means you should be weighing into them with great vigor and tenacity.

‘Should I be afraid of a pullback that might last, oh I don’t know, longer than a fucking day Fly?’

No, you shouldn’t ever be afraid of things like that. That’s how pussies think.

‘But what if I do that and lose all of my money?’

I’m not your financial advisor God damn it. If you’re afraid of losing all of your money, you’re in the wrong business.

‘Pray tell.’

Fuck off.

‘Please?’

If you haven’t been wiped the fuck out at least once in your ‘investment career’, you’re not really a player. Go play with your dividends.’

‘Ok, thanks. Can I ask you one more thing?’

Fuck off.

‘Ok, thanks.’

NASDAQ futures are off by 7. For the week, I’d had my brains boxed and my zinc dick chopped off by the winds of fury. My gains for the year topped out at +18% and now stand at around +11.5%. That’s all fine and well, as I was deserving of a comeuppance with all of the shit I was talking. Not only have I been, sanctimoniously, passing judgment upon others for their idiot beliefs, I’ve been bragging about my apparent invincibility.

As such, the Gods, the evil Gods, have forsaken me and kicked me into a well filled with homosexual alligators.

Nevertheless, “The Fly” presses on. He plods and presses, laughs and then cries, to the minstrel melodies of life.

The CAC is down 1%, and the Eurostoxx 50 off by 0.5%.

Copper is down 1% and gold is flat and zinc is plunging by 2.4%

The dollar is slightly higher (+0.16%) v the euro and the 10yr is off by 4bps to 2.41%.

Enjoy your early losses, assholes.

This must be stopped. How does Kraft-Heinz think they can get away with this shit? We’re all ketchup slaves to $KHC as it is, now they want us to pay them for the privilege of using Hellman’s mayonnaise too? Someone needs to stand up to this form of culinary tyranny and I’m hoping Unilever has the intestinal fortitude to see it through.

“Kraft confirms that it has made a comprehensive proposal to Unilever about combining the two groups to create a leading consumer goods company with a mission of long-term growth and sustainable living,” Kraft said in a statement.

“While Unilever has declined the proposal, we look forward to working to reach agreement on the terms of a transaction.”

Let’s be clear, we are talking about a deal in excess of $125 billion. Get the fuck out of here with this shit. Who will finance such rage and madness? The greed and the avarice of even thinking about making an offer of this size is enough to convince a jury of 12 that the executives at KHC are in fact lunatics.

$UL told Kraft-Heinz they weren’t interested and to fuck off — but the blokes at Ketchupville aren’t likely to accept no for an answer and will probably go hostile with their fucking offer — slapping the shit out of the cucked mayofags with jars of relish and macaroni and cheese boxes until they surrender.

Shares of KHC are higher by 5% and UL is surging by 11%. The deal just paid for itself — how wonderful.