Kraft-Heinz Attempts to Corner the Condiment Market; Unilever Tells Them to Fuck Off

This must be stopped. How does Kraft-Heinz think they can get away with this shit? We’re all ketchup slaves to $KHC as it is, now they want us to pay them for the privilege of using Hellman’s mayonnaise too? Someone needs to stand up to this form of culinary tyranny and I’m hoping Unilever has the intestinal fortitude to see it through.

“Kraft confirms that it has made a comprehensive proposal to Unilever about combining the two groups to create a leading consumer goods company with a mission of long-term growth and sustainable living,” Kraft said in a statement.

“While Unilever has declined the proposal, we look forward to working to reach agreement on the terms of a transaction.”

Let’s be clear, we are talking about a deal in excess of $125 billion. Get the fuck out of here with this shit. Who will finance such rage and madness? The greed and the avarice of even thinking about making an offer of this size is enough to convince a jury of 12 that the executives at KHC are in fact lunatics.

$UL told Kraft-Heinz they weren’t interested and to fuck off — but the blokes at Ketchupville aren’t likely to accept no for an answer and will probably go hostile with their fucking offer — slapping the shit out of the cucked mayofags with jars of relish and macaroni and cheese boxes until they surrender.

Shares of KHC are higher by 5% and UL is surging by 11%. The deal just paid for itself — how wonderful.