iBankCoin
18 years in Wall Street, left after finding out it was all horseshit. Founder/ Master and Commander: iBankCoin, finance news and commentary from the future.
Joined Nov 10, 2007
23,408 Blog Posts

Kraft-Heinz Withdraws ‘Clown Offer’ of $143 Billion After Unilever Told Them to Fuck Off

The joke bid $KHC perpetuated for all of $UL last week has been withdrawn, after the mayofags at Unilever told the ketchup goons at Kraft-Heinz to buzz off.

Clearly, no one wants a single company to control all of the comdiments. No matter how many boxes of macaroni and cheese and jars of relish the executives at Kraft-Heinz threw at the cucks at Unilever, they’d never surrender. Uniting Heinz ketchup and Hellman’s mayonnaise is one of the 66 seals of hell. Therefore, we should all view this rejection by Unilever as a win for mankind, equal to that of a Trump victory over Hillary Clinton, or allied win over the evil bastards from Japan.

Source: NY Times

“Unilever and Kraft Heinz hold each other in high regard,” the companies said. “Kraft Heinz has the utmost respect for the culture, strategy and leadership of Unilever.”

But Michael Mullen, a Kraft Heinz spokesman, offered more detail on why the company had stepped away so soon from its bid. “Kraft Heinz’s interest was made public at an extremely early stage,” he said. “Our intention was to proceed on a friendly basis, but it was made clear Unilever did not wish to pursue a transaction.”

“It is best to step away early so both companies can focus on their own independent plans to generate value,” he added.

Both stocks soared on Friday. Be sure to roast marshmallows over them when they crash and burn on Tuesday.

Back to the drawing board ketchup goons. We all look forward to reading about another FAKE takeover offer in our FAKE newspapers.

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18 comments

  1. moosh

    Be on your guard Mr. mustard.

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  2. mr.wiggles

    Fly, you need to start taking a DAILY multivitamin and drinking more water.
    Once you get off meat, we’ll include a B12 a few times a week.

    Thank-you,
    Mr.Wiggles

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    • moosh

      Mr. Wiggles, how many of the “daily vitamins” components are even absorbed with just water? Are you familiar with Dr. Rhonda Patrick?

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    • Dr. Fly

      I drink lots of water. That and martinis are my only sources of liquid.

      I’ll never take vitamins. They’re for vitafags.

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      • ericbakerbruce

        Peaches and bennyhill, the resident experts in life, should be chiming in any moment with their dietary views, supported by copious Internet links.

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    • ericbakerbruce

      Get off meat??? That’s insane. Veggies are poison.

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      • ironbird

        Meat is for not libtards The pussy hats should be vegan burn the bra go lesbian worship death and be make up will not help ugly. Feminism at its best. All in a burka of course.

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        • moosh

          Meanwhile when vegans go crazy and libtard elite they dream about eating other human beings’ flesh. Or just like the “art”?

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        • ironbird

          Indeed dude. Most mental disease sprouts from libtard ways. Fuck with reality pay the price. Demonic vaccine monster culture.

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    • heaterman

      Mr Wiggles I need to hook you up with some Plexus products. It works.

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  3. halfbloodpope

    But what to think of RAD screwing the pooch when it came to being acquired by WBA?

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  4. bennyhill

    The left doesn’t eat this gmo, chemical infested shit, we only eat Annie’s Organics.

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    • bennyhill

      Wait I misspoke – Annie’s is what we. But when we can’t find Amy’s Organics. Annie’s sold out but is still better than this shit you right wing dirt bags eat. I guess it’s you can afford.

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