Chinese Bullshit

Today China devalued their currency by 2%, which is actually 3% less than the rumor. This, of course, is being grossly exaggerated in the media, by morons in funny costumes. Although the Chinese lack the tact and style that is abundant in a Dr. Benjamin Bernanke, their goals are the same. This is their version of QE, a devaluation of their currency in order to help their exporters bank a little more coin.

I guess what people are really scared about is this confirms what we’ve already known: China is slowing and their economy sucks.

China’s economy sucks because it’s wrought with fraud and corruption, men in hanfus selling plastic rice to unsuspecting indigents.

What does this mean for us?

It’s validation of a global growth story in flames, which is bad for everything but domestic names. By now you shouldn’t own many stocks that possess a foreign flare anyhow, unless of course you’re a god damned idiot.

Avoid the celestial bullshit and stick to companies who conduct business under the auspices of the Federal Reserve.

I am going to wait another 30 minutes before placing any trades, in order to let the sellers exhaust themselves.

I’m back.

All of you bitchasses were tossed from calashes and horse stomped into the dirt today. I told you motherfuckers “This Is Opportunity.” Did you listen? Did you place your bets on gold, as directed?

^^^ Look at that ^^^ August seasonality for EGO. All of the gold names look the same. Big surprise they are screaming higher, right?

BRACE YOURSELVES: I made over 2.2% today, straight bowling onto the ugly faces of short sellers, wheels on tarmac style. I will be doing this forever. Stick around; we’re gonna stick needles in heads tomorrow, torture while popping champagne corks into the faces of total and complete strangers. Like “pop, surprise bitch, I just popped off into your jawbone.”

“The Fly” reigns supreme over and above all of you clam-digging invalids–pathetic popped corn eating catamites, 3-D glasses and shit. I fire off shots into your 3-D glasses. I’m King to your pawn. I will be making some wholesale moves tomorrow morning. Stay tuned.

NOTE: I posted the clean version of Hood Billionaire, so that you could enjoy it with your families this evening. Long live Ferguson. I hope that city lives forever (extra King Leonidas).

Don’t bother asking me where I’m staying, the city, or even the state. It’s none of your concern. Just know, as you toil about the boardroom and take orders from a savage, Le Fly is enjoying the finer things in life, both room and board, as well as the finest culinary experiences this planet has to offer.

Feel good in knowing that I am taking it easy for the rest of you, slop-muppets.

As soon as I head back towards my office, I will figure out the tape, not only for you, but for all of the self professed experts on Twitter that you put so much credence in.

Upon my return, I’ll sternly ask that they go run around the block a few times as I work it out.

On my vacation, I’ve witnessed lots of humans behaving poorly, especially of the Russian and savage Chinese varietal. The problem with most of you is that you lack decorum, uneducated fools who practice the arts of pseudo intellectualism or outright wanton degeneracy. Either way, you’re not gentlemen and should recede into the dark corners of ancient catacombs, getting lost, drinking brandy milk punches until death.

“The Fly” is super charged and ready to destroy you motherfuckers in exactly 1 days time.

The quintessential movie about a piker broker landing a whale, then letting the newly found riches get to his head, leading towards debauchery and untold tales of corruption and betrayal.

Far too often you motherfuckers let a little coin get into your big fat stupid heads. Money shouldn’t change the man; but it always does.

In this movie, Bud Fox, the piker broker, gets Gordon Gekko (rich player, art collector, destroyer of companies) as a client, and is quickly told to get some good suits and to “not be seen around here looking like that”, off the rack bullshit. True players go bespoke all the time.

After Bud gets acquainted with some new money, he bids 950k for some penthouse in the upper east side, away from Sean and that whore Madonna in the west. He then partakes in a slew of insider trades that lands him into some hot water that nearly kills his chain smoking father, who happens to be a real union hack who also tends to reveal confidential information to his stockbroker son regarding some court ruling that would allow his company to “compete with the majors.”

He isn’t the sharpest tool in the shed.

The movie is a classic and is a must see for any market participant.

My bubble index inside of Exodus was off by 4% today, a real drubbing in a deathbed of a tape. Everyone is talking about high growth getting sold down. But I have the numbers. Here are the 1 month returns of some of your favorite companies.

Insane buying opp or top? This is what makes a market.

TSLA -12%
TWTR -22%
SWKS -15%
MNK -17%
QRVO -35%
DATA -15%
AMCX -10%
AGIO -11%
DWRE -13%
YELP -32%
MEG -19%
SSTK -37%
BOX -22%
BLOX -11%
TTPH -13%
QLYS -13%
HHC -7%
BIDU -8%
AVGO -8%
GTN -8%
ISIS -8.5%
AAPL -8.7%
FEYE -10%
STMP -10%
LNKD -10%

For the coming bounce, I’d stick to the old winners and avoid the really beaten up shit in basic materials. You want to gravitate towards quality and avoid trying to make 100% on your next trade. On a reasonable bounce, many of the above stocks will give you 10%. For me, that’s more than enough to get me back near my year to date highs. I have little interest in buying distressed shit and then hoping on a star for some sort of miracle out of China.

More than 550 stocks are down more than 4% today. I want you to behold that for a moment, as I drink my barrel of coffee.

News hit the tape a short while ago regarding the nation of Russia infiltrating and hacking into our Pentagon. This, of course, is bad news for the security of our nation. However, the hedge is that I am long CYBR, who benefits from the insidious, rascal, zealot, Russian bastards– plugging away at his computer terminal, over cold bowls of borscht.

I will keep this post very simple. This is an opportunity for you to buy into stocks that have been mispriced to the upside. As they come in, you should sop them up. Stick to quality, free cash flow generating names, and all will be well.

This is not the end of the world. That is scheduled to occur sometime is late September.

Names on my radar include: AMCX, NHTC, MDVN, JAZZ, EW, ONCE, PANW, RARE

We go through this shit every quarter. Earnings show how ugly our faces truly are and we run about shattering all of the mirrors. Lads, shattering the mirrors will not make your face any less ugly. You’re a beastly person, fit for a cage inside of a tunnel. Once the mirrors are removed and companies do not need to report earnings, rearing their ugly faces, we can run about the wilderness, naked and free.

Until then, you should expect dark clouds and lightening to follow your every step. Men like Bluestar will plague you with photographs of scary clowns and brag about his short selling wins.

Today is a bitch of a day: massive drawdowns everywhere. For the love of God, over 100 NASDAQS have been stolen from the National Treasury, all the while Janet Yellen watches the Hallmark channel while sopping up chicken noodled soup.

My losses are indeed palpable. I am only hedged by my GG position. But that isn’t large enough to offset the chicanery that is running rampant throughout my portfolio. These are the days I wished I had become a garbage man, driving trucks about the city and punching rats in the face for entering my domain.

My advice to all of you is to keep calm; help is not on the way. However, once earnings season ends, all will be joyous again.

Have been stolen from the national treasury.

Any questions?

I always wanted to say that.

Shares of retarded coffee machine maker, GMCR, stand to open down more than 30% tomorrow, off an earnings short fall. The company has been mired with lousy management and poor decisions. It’s also rumored to be the victim of an insidious devil’s witchcraft brew that has swayed an obese customer base away from their machine wrought with mold, in favor of the French Press.

Alas, the sins of an evil corporation have finally come due and the holders of said stock will meet their maker tomorrow.

Separately, shares of FIT are set to explode…to the downside tomorrow morning, as people figure out their fucking iPhone can count steps for them. What an asinine company. People are such slackers; they’ve resorted to a gadget to count their steps. Listen to me: walk or run until you can’t anymore. After you’ve exhausted your energy reserves, rest up and drink lots of wine.

You little fuckers want to know what’s working?

Inside of Exodus, I have a screen running in “the grid” that scours over 4,000 stocks to find the fastest growing companies, who also enjoy the pleasures of free cash flow and strong gross margins. The formula that I’ve set in place is what I believe will net the strongest long term results. As a point in fact, the 120 stocks that are denizens of this screen have netted an average return of over 50% for the past year, crushing the helmets of money managers everywhere.

No, I will not give you the names. Fuck off.

The house always wins, except when your host government bans cigarettes and a wide assortment of debauchery, which of course is part of your business model.

I was going to discuss how badly China sucks now and the albatross it has become with regards to commodities and industrials. Then I took a gander at some of the earnings misses and wins and decided to broaden the discussion to risk, over-all.

What are your goals/intentions?

Do you fixate on intra-day movements? If so, you’re a moron.

Are you widely diversified?

How much risk are you exposed to?

Unsure?

The bad news is, you have no idea what you’re doing. The good news is, “The Fly” just completed an algorithm to grade and monitor risk that will be implemented in an Exodus Professional iteration, sometime in 2015. The good folks over at iBankCoin have many irons in the fire, and we strive towards perfection. Once complete, my risk analyzer will permit you to live a life of wanton leisure, as my robots safeguard your portfolio and alert you from impending doom.

As an aside, my average down in ONCE today ended up doing quite well. Overall, the market was milquetoast, a non-impressive offering, one that would bore any God, the old or the new, into a one thousand year slumber. I look forward to a cessation of summer activities and a resumption of the cold winds of the northeast, in earnest, bringing with it profits of the outsized varietal, spearheaded by your local cocaine addled hedge fund manager.

Good day.