$ETSY Shareholders Never Had a Chance

The after market shareholders, that is.

ETSY is especially egregious to me because of how obvious it was that they sucked giant moose balls. Wall street paraded this giant heap of shit on people, through the media and investment banks, drumming up demand for IPO. I recall debating one of the bedlamites from Benzinga on Twitter about the prospects for this crafting giant of cock.

Now that the stock is single digits, perhaps we should revisit who sold on the IPO? Yes, a grande idea. Why not?

I hold nothing against Frederick Wilson, per se. It’s only that he represents something that I find wholly distasteful, the garish flaunting of wealth by a super elite and exclusive group of financiers, powered by nerds with Aspergers, whose rise to power isn’t zero sum. The difference has been made up by a retail investor who’ve been sold, hook, line and sinker, that the social media boom will make them rich.

The social media boom made some people rich; now everyone else provides liquidity for the lucky few, early investors.

Again, don’t buy VC backed IPOs for at least 1 year after IPO.

A lot of bullshit is circulating today, with regards to this earnings season and how it’s the worst since 2009. Oh, really?

So far, about three-quarters of the S&P 500 have reported results, with profits down 3.1 percent on a share-weighted basis, data compiled by Bloomberg shows. This would be the biggest quarterly drop in earnings since the third quarter 2009, and the second straight quarter of profit declines. Earnings growth turned negative for the first time in six years in the second quarter this year.

Negative headlines makes traffic go up, mainly because humans are fucked up that way. The truth about this earnings season is that it’s ordinary.  The majority of the earnings decline is from oil and gas stocks, whose earnings numbers plunged over 50% this year over last. Fucking duh.

With 75% of earnings in, more than 72% of stocks in the S&P have beat expectations. Moreover, there is considerable earnings growth in consumer discretionary industries.

I hate all earnings seasons. I can’t recall the last one I enjoyed. Stocks always do better when the facade is placed firmly atop the ugly exterior. People are never happy and rarely pleased, which explains the heart stopping declines when a company misses expectations. No wonder why so many CEOs prefer to stay private.

Right now stocks are selling off, as predicted. SPY and  QQQ flagged overbought in Exodus yesterday. I expect this drop to be shallow. We will likely rally towards the ends of this week, then level off again. I am expecting both November and December to be flat months.

Just when you thought the rally monkey was cock out, dancing on the graves of short sellers, Grandma Yellen comes out from the woodwork to talk shit.

Federal Reserve Chair Janet Yellen said Wednesday that December would be a “live possibility” for a rate hike if the upcoming data are supportive.

“Now no decision has been made on that and, what it will depend on, is the [Federal Open Market Committee’s] assessment at the time. That assessment will be informed by all of the data that we collect between now and then,” she said, testifying before the House Financial Services Committee.

Yellen also said she and the committee expect the economy to grow “at a pace that’s sufficient to generate further improvement in the labor market, and to return inflation to our 2 percent target.”

“If the incoming information supports that expectation, then or statement indicates that December would be a live possibility,” she said.

A rate hike isn’t the worst thing in the world, especially not for banks. With a wider yield curve,  banks will make even more money. Those bank exec motherfuckers will be popping champagne corks into the faces of people who got denied mortgage loans in no time at all.

HLF will trade to zero and VRX to $440. But before those two amazing things happen, there will be a short squeeze, of epic and monumental proportions, in another Ackman fav: PAH.

Like all things in life, Mr. Ackman ebbs and flows. Last year he was flowing, this year, not so much.

Yesterday, in the afternoon, after a ham sandwich with mustard, noshing on a few chips, I made the decision to acquire Bill Ackman, and his considerable resources, for about $12.30. I stand before you today, at a profit from yesterday’s foray into the Pershing Square boardroom, and announce to you, here, on iBankCoin, that I’ve redoubled my investment in Bill, at a price no more than $12.90 for his PAH investment.

With today’s pledge of $12.90,  I am supporting William Albert Ackman and his endeavors to be the next Warren Buffett.

In all seriousness, PAH is now my second largest position.

NOTE: If you’ve ever laughed at one of my articles, you’ll like our Facebook page and forcibly make all of your friends and family do the same. Upon hitting 1,000, I will randomly choose one of you and mail you a box filled with stuff lying around my house.

Just to be clear what Bitcoin represents:

VC backed crypto-currency, which is video game bux that is either “mined” by computers, solving riddles, or purchased by persons who think it’s a good idea to exchange actual currency backed by central banks for video game bux–because one day homes, cars and stuff at the grocery stores can be purchased with it.

Why will this happen?

Well, because everyone hates central bank shenanigans and fiat currency isn’t real, THAT’S WHY (removes V for Vendetta mask)!

Do you know what’s real?

VIDEO GAME BUX!
1 month chart of Bitcoin

UPDATE: The Russians are always to blame, born villains.

Broken down by the 8 principle sectors, courtesy of Exodus.

Honest to zeus, the bloomberg article that I read made it sound like Carl had an interest in VRX. Considering he is already long one accounting scam in HLF, I posited, in correctly, that Carl must be jonesing to get a piece of Ackman’s VRX positions.

Fucking Wrong. And fuck you main stream media.

Watch the interview and see for yourself (around the 14:00 mark). He shits on Valeant and says they’re over-stating earnings, ridiculously.

He also went on to say we’re on the precipice of disaster. But I’ll leave that comment for another time.

Who knows what sort of parlour tricks Carl is up to? We do know he is diabolically opposed to just about anything Bill Ackman says, save that really cool legal insider trading win in AGN.

Tonight, Mr. “Give me three seats on your fucking board” Icahn hinted that he might have an interest in VRX.

“I’m not in Valeant, well, I don’t want to say I’m not completely in it but I’m not going to tell you where I am with it.”

If this turns about to be true, I am almost certain VRX will catapult higher by at least 20%, immediately followed by a giant explosion that will eliminate all forms of human life on earth.

CORRECTION: Please disregard this article.

But know that you deserve better. The commodity sector is wholly overbought in Exodus and I am anticipating a sharp pullback in many soon-to-be bankrupt oil and gas names.

I made more than 0.8% today, only held back by the conservative catamites (is there even such a thing?) at COST. Still, “The Fly” is perpetual and ever lasting, like mumma rah.

A little house keeping in the new Peanut Gallery. I had to fire someone due to him not even showing up to work. What sort of egregious shit is that. In his stead, I anointed @dyer440 to the role, who will be more than capable of helping out the ham and eggers out there, attempting to avoid bankrupting themselves amidst all of this market tumult.

Note: we added a little email widget at the bottom of my articles. Be sure to use it to email your retarded friends and family. Thanks for reading.

With a portion of my proceeds, which were safely placed inside of a Federally insured money market account, I purchased the brain and resources of world famous hedge fund manager, Bill Ackman, for a little more than $12.30.

Pershing Square owns more than 20% of PAH, which has done nothing but knife them in the face, over the past several months. With the Citron guy publicly humiliating himself on national television, regarding his VRX short, I sense a shift in the winds coming. I am sensing, using my sixth sense that was gifted to me upon birth, passed onto me, dating back 15 generations of Irish and English warriors, a vengeance of a biblical nature emanating from Mr. Ackman’s plush NYC offices.

Making fun of Bill is easy to do, fun, and exhilarating. Betting against him for an extended period of time is life ruining, absurd, and wholly unsuitable for persons interested in keeping their net worth above $00.00.