Thursday, December 8, 2016
18 years in Wall Street, left after finding out it was all horseshit. Founder/ Master and Commander: iBankCoin, finance news and commentary from the future.
Joined Nov 10, 2007
14,865 Blog Posts



Timothy Cook, Bozo in Chief, Apple

It was an impossible task, following in the footsteps of a modern day legend, the boss of all bosses: Steve Jobs. Since taking the helm, Timothy has done nothing but collect cash. Like an old man during the great depression, Timothy Cook has presided over the largest hoarding of cash the world has ever known. More so, he has refused to share the wealth with his indoctrinated, yet depressed, cabal of apple sycophants, in favor of sitting back and eating yams. You heard me: YAMS.

After the stock had shed more than $300 BILLION in market cap, Timothy Cook announced “big news” this evening. It wasn’t a flashy conference, where he’d unveil a new product, whether it be a teevee or a Dick Tracy styled watch–a bone of sorts to the hounds who follow Apple. Instead, he announced the company would buyback $50 billion worth of its shares, borrowing from the playbook of the incompetent idiots at HPQ. He also announced they’d increase the divvy on AAPL to 3%,  still 0.1% below the S&P 500 average–a great tragedy.

This man is an outsized idiot.

Initially, Wall Street cheered the news and popped champagne corks into the faces of those who bought puts–sending the stock up by 6%. However, the rally was quickly crushed, alongside the spirits of the indoctrinated, when Timothy announced Apple had nothing going on until the Fall of 2013–with regards to product development. Naturally this leaves the company exposed, gives license even, to Samsung and others to continue feasting off  of Apple’s fat belly.

There is no man who can equal the idiocy exhibited by this man.

All the market wants is a screen, mind you, that is 1-2 inches bigger. If Mr. Cook and his merry band of cash hoarders had caved into the whims of the world, the market cap might have increased by $75 billion this evening. Instead, the shares have done nothing, because Timothy Cook has done nothing.

The good folks over at iBankCoin call for the immediate resignation of a Mr. Timothy Cook. He may take his degenerate board of perverts with him and sail the seven seas until the salt dehydrates them into dust.

The next CEO will borrow $100 billion at absurd interest rates and give it back to the people, the indoctrinated, so that they might go out and spend said dollars on a new Apple teevee device, which will be smartly retailed at $3,500 per unit.

Until Timothy leaves the company, I’m afraid the shareholders of AAPL will be prisoner to his autocratic ways, subjected to harrowing indecencies and lack of proper corporate decorum/etiquette.

May his head hang in shame, as he sullies the good house of Jobs.

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  1. Hyung Wook Hamm

    if only cook would relent to the pent up demand for the 5 inch screen in apple……………..

  2. pedro

    Truth. He won Pedro’s Asshat of the Week Award back in September:

  3. Mr. Partridge

    Who would you hire to replace him? You can only replace a genius with a genius, not too many around and all of the available ones are running their own companies.

  4. Bottle Rocket

    Well done. What’s not discussed enough is how brilliantly Samsung is being run right now. Effectively diminishing the iron stranglehold of Apple on hipster consumer consciousness. You can only dictate to people what they want for so long. Then you lose. It’s only appropriate that the death blow to Apple comes on the eve of the Financial Crisis II: Shanghai Soft.

    • Mccldwll

      Yet another Samsuck astroturfer/paid trolling clearly demonstrating Samsuck’s unethical/criminal behavior and how far it extends.

  5. COOK


  6. Yabollox

    There is no other Steve Jobs. At least Tim Cook kinda looks like him.

  7. tw

    Never mind the new products, how about making the ones we have work instead of fucking them up MORE with new updates.

    Apple maps? For a company that brags about all the apps it has, this program is the sorriest sack of shit I’ve ever seen.

  8. chivo

    if u feel so strongly about it, then u know what u do? vote for his ousting by selling your shares.

    or stop bitchin’.


  9. Jakegint

    Cramer was advocating CRAAPL buy NFLX tonight. Heard it on my way home.

    Serious, it was on Siirus


  10. It Is Showtime

    Lotta earnings/things coming down AH.

    You can juice the indices up so much.

    Until those that make up those indices, give you the middle finger.

  11. ottnott

    From Bloomberg:

    Apple Returning $55 Billion to Investors as Forecast Trails
    By Adam Satariano & Peter Burrows – Apr 23, 2013 3:22 PM PT

    …Yada yada….
    Writing at iBankCoin, the popular and prickly blogger who writes as “The Fly” blasted Cook for failure to launch the iQuit.
    …Yada yada…

  12. Obummer gonna win
    Obummer gonna win

    Just wait till tomorrow. You will get the old one two punch when USG announces dismal earnings.

  13. The_Real_Hmmm

    It’s interesting that under Jobs, Apple drove innovation through simplicity in design, operating systems, functionality of hardware as well as capital structure and capital allocation. There is a certain complexity and desire to fulfill all requests that is permeating corporate communication now. I sense that current leadership is not strong enough to look forward with confidence at what they can create and rather is looking behind to placate all. At least that’s how they’re communicating it to the public.

    • The_Real_Hmmm

      It’s not that its employees are no longer innovative, but rather the element of surprise and wonder is becoming extinguished in communication. Do you remember Steve’s ending line at every meeting- “one more thing…” That lack of anticipated growth is reflected in its P/E and this vocal public backlash that shareholders “deserve” the cash on the balance sheet because Apple doesn’t need it. They say they have exciting new things coming, but maybe we should use this as the new Apple norm of communication and buy the sandbagging.

  14. The Pirate

    My tribute to ‘The Fly’: “the boss of all bosses” & ‘Arnold Rothstein’ of investment. Irreverent, angry and always hilarious:

    Love Ya Fly!

  15. superB

    Fly is getting dumber. ha ha

  16. Testicules

    I see VHC is having it’s annual shareholders meeting soon…anyone want to ‘roadtripit” to Reno and bust some heads?

  17. xxxHuggieBearxxx

    If they would just launch an iPhone with a larger screen, i would probably give up my awesome Samsung and switch over. But, not until they have a competitive screen.

    Also, there had to be a fall guy/failure after steve jobs, only so they could eventually hire someone who will be competent (although lesser than jobs).

  18. JTU

    VLTC formerly known as MOTR has doubled within a week! Is there any hope for this reorganization?

  19. Jimbo

    BA making a $100 run, LNKD making a $200 run?

  20. DaveyNC

    NOTE TO SELF: When reading The Fly, keep a finely woven handkerchief close at hand at all times to prevent spittle from launching onto my computer screen.


  21. The Eye-Talian Stallion
    The Eye-Talian Stallion

    Cook’s inability to imagine coupled with Art’s low business IQ has always spelled trouble for this company, there are only a few who realize this and why.

  22. The Eye-Talian Stallion
    The Eye-Talian Stallion

    Moving forward VMW will go:
    a: lower
    b: higher
    c: unchanged
    d: all of the above

  23. Orange

    The dividend yield on the S&P 500 is 3.1%? Source please.