UNDER MORMON RULE
Women will be required to polish their husbands shoes on a nightly basis, with marked exception to Sunday–the day of the Lord.
On the day of the Lord, women will be required to polish Gods shoes, by cleaning the floors of their local church.
Stocks will be considered to be “evil” and trading will be banned, especially for women and people who visit casinos.
A husband’s birthday will be a valid excuse to stay home from work and let the kids skip school.
Television broadcasts will end at 6pm, nightly, to make room for the evening sermon. There will be no normal programming on Sunday, except for the usual sermon.
Donations to The Church of Mormon will be mandatory, taken from your paychecks on a weekly basis.
Women will automatically make 10% less than men, UNDER MORMON RULE.
Luxury items will be frowned upon, favoring the ‘simple life’ of farm clothes and wooden clogs instead.
Women will not be permitted into bars, unless accompanied by their husband. If they are not married, they will not be permitted into bars.
Excuse notes by a husband will be considered ‘legal tender’ in the great state of Utah.
Children will be required to sing ‘the great mormon melodies’ during holidays, thoroughly trained by their mothers 6 months in advance.
Curfew for women will be 6pm, unless they have an excuse note from their husband. If they are not married, they must be home by 6pm.
Feel free to add your own in the comments.
76 Responses to UNDER MORMON RULE
lol
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and I approve this post …
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Can people like Rick Ross still make “music”?
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Actually yes. People like Rick Ross make great music for Mormon men.
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It’s nice women would come up to only 10% less than men.
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small victories will be cherished.
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If you take away CEOs and construction workers, and look at a per hour basis (women may become pregnant), it’s only like a 1-3% difference.
If women want to be paid as equals, they should become construction workers and quit making babies. It’s not like 8 billion people in this world is a shortage.
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The cool thing is:
We all get to take a trip overseas for two years.
the next FED Chairman will be required to be Morman and clean shaven
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The interwebs should be closed after 6 pm also, unless you are a man.
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Good one!
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Women polish more than my shoes.
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Funny, but obviously a joke. However unlike Mormons, Muslim law in Egypt under the Muslim Brotherhood that Obama invites to the White House or in Saudi Arabia that he bows to, or in most Islamic countries takes the above jokes a LOT farther and Obama called the Koran ‘holy’ during his ‘apology ’09 tour
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This post actually is dual use for both MORMON and MUSLIM RULE.
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and Amish?
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The Amish will be considered “vicious enemies” and imprisoned whenever found, UNDER MORMON RULE.
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Actually under Islamic/Shari law these things are no only not a laughing matter, but are so serious that female rape VICTIMS are punished instead of the rapists (as in Saudi Arabia), yet Obama kisses their ass and was listed as a Muslim when he grew up in Indonesia in school. I’ll take Mormon rule over that ANY day…
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Sounds like Ryan/Akin lawmaking to me.
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The wave of Islamic terror that Obama has caved into and even helped by projecting weakness is no laughing matter.
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How about putting that in the title line?
Thanks
zzz
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Comedy gold there, sir.
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With exceptions for finely bred horses, Cadillacs and elevators on which to carry them.
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Oy Vey!
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Womens bathing suits shall cover their bodies from their necks to to their wrists, and the to jsut belwo the ankle. Black will be the only acceptable colour.
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This is natural. I didn’t add that because it’ common knowledge.
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Are tattoos permitted?
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-Stocks will be considered to be “evil” and trading will be banned-
If that happens I become a Latvian Scientologist.
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Jews will be required to wear a yellow star of david, as they killed Jesus Christ, our lord and savior
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Under Mormon rule, police will be allowed to test blood sugar and caffeine levels in your body. If you are over the limit you will be forced to be baptized in the nearest pond.
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Under Mormon Romney rule, The Killers’ Mr. Brightside will be the national anthem.
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Bearish Divergences… AM I RIGHT??
YakaYaka
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Under Mormon rule men will now be able to receive outside blow jobs with no penalty of retribution.
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Any descendents, however far removed they may be, of murderers of Joseph Smith will be found using ancestory.com and will be lynched. Pogroms will begin shortly.
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Under Morman rule, no child under the age of 25 shall be permitted outside of the house under any circumstance, except to attend family gatherings or to chop wood.
Under Muslim rule the only way you win in anything is if BOTH you and someone else have been inflicted with pain.
Under both, 7 wives is mandatory, any less than 4 is a punishable offense, unless you are muslim you may be allowed to marry a single goat.
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UNDER MORMOM RULE: The Trading Nymph will need the permission of her husband to post on iBankCoin. If she is not married, she will not be permitted to post on iBankCoin.
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lol
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NOOOOOO!!!!!! OBAMA GET OFF YOUR LAZY ASS AND RELEASE THE STRATEGIC RESERVES OF OIL RIGHT NOW AND DROP OIL PRICES TO GET YOUR ASS BACK INTO OFFICE. I NEED MY IBANK COIN AND MY BARS/NIGHTCLUBS!!!!
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Under Mormon rule, to be called a Moron will be high praise, as it will compare you to the Angel Moroni.
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We (distinguished Gentlemen who trade stocks) will all be rich as FUCK!!!!
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Under Morman rule Obama Phone subscriptions will be cancelled.
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The children will help the men push the coal carts out of the mine. The women will make sandwiches for the lunch-break and TODAY they will give their husbands a special sponge bath at the end of the day for being fearless coal miners. I am still long JRCC and holding.
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Under Mormon Rule a statue of Obama on horseback will be placed in the middle of town square and the Marines who still use bayonets today will guard it.
Those in Afghanistan who travel on horseback into the mountains with bayonets to transport the dead bodies will also lay a pile of bodies, ’300 style’ in front of said statue.
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help me! help me! i’m starting to hear voices! and nightmares!
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UNDER MORMON RULE: Women will not be permitted to drive, but they will be permitted to go warm up the car for their husbands on cold mornings, unless it is the time of their monthly uncleanliness when they are not to be trusted.
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Under Mormon rule, alcohol content in all adult beverages will be reduced to 1%.
People will have to learn how to cope with their problems through hard work and manual labor.
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This is hilarious. Good way to ignore the pains of the fucking stock market
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Under Mormon rule, Sesame Street shall serve as the new Guantanamo for suspicious looking “bird-like” characters, and homeless democrats like Oscar the grouch and Pop-Eye who live in the garbage can will also be hunted down and placed in Seasme Street, Detroit….
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Men shalt be forced to wear suspenders, women too. Bernanke must fetch pails of water and buckets of coal for the new economy will rely on barter and manual labor, and as federal chair, he will oversea the new form of liquid assets… water.
Oil, coal energy drinks and timber shalt also be legal tender
All women must be secluded to binders or trapper keepers
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Under Mormon rule, Mother’s Day will be renamed Mothers’ Day. Father’s Day is every other day.
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Under Mormon rule, all public roads shall be widened to six lanes to accommodate getting your team of horses turned around in an efficient manner. All towns shall be no farther apart than a man can ride horseback in an 8 hour day. Green Jello and funeral potatoes will replace buffalo wings and nachos for any event that is NOT a BYU football game.
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UNDER MORMON RULE: APPL will replace the iPad with the iEtch A Sketch.
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I just make up my own religion like Louie Farrakhan and the muslim bros. It is “allah” this and “allah” that and gimmee some money, baby!
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I’d rather live under Mormon rule for the next 8 years than under moron rule like the last 4…
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(Earthquaking Table Thunder-Rumble)
Raise of the GG (Golden Goblet).
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Under Mormon Rule: The Capital of the United States will be relocated to Salt lake City Utah.
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NOOOOOOOO!!!!!
Mitt only shows up here a few days a year to hang at his Deer Valley estate, no reason to paint this city with feces.
Under Mormon rule, lobotomies will be required of all women and men over the age of 15.
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UNDER MORMON RULE: All citizens will be required to make an annual pilgrimage to the Garden of Eden in modern-day Missouri, where they will be issued their new pair of special undergarments for the year and given an opportunity to cleanse their spirits with daily self-flagellation and party-down with pin-the-tail on the non-Mormon and lashings of sarsaparilla.
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Under MORMON Rule – The noun wife must always be plural.
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And the second one will be Asian.
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no soda.
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Under Mormon rule horses will be slaughtered and made into aircraft carriers.
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too funny, since the selloff began this am, Obama’s odds have gone down on intrade
http://www.intrade.com/v4/misc/scoreboard/
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Mrs Steve is nervous.
She says that I have been eyeing Mrs. Greenbaum across the street as a possible second wife.
It’s not true.
I have been eyeing her 18 year old daughter Sarah.
This shit is too funny
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Mormonism is merely a form of ‘matrimonial easing’. We are printing more husband-ry by letting men take on six wives.
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To the Ladies: Bush shall be full of growth, without edges and measuring no shorter than 18” in length. Growth hormones will be made available to those unable to naturally sustain robustness via affordable healthcare. At your local Rite Aid.
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Under Mormon rule all male children will be able to naturally sing like Donnie and female children like Marie. As adults they will have shows in Vegas.
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Under Mormon Rule women will have to plunge and snake out all clogged toilets.
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And Hanes will be the official supplier of magic underwear.
Scientology will be banned so Tom Cruise will become an official Bishop within the Mormon Church.
He will remarry Katie Holmes and move to Salt Lake City.
He will bring an NFL team to Salt Lake City and they will be called The Missionaries
Best term of the day so far……”matrimonial easing”.
kudos
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Under Mormon Rule – We will get our fiscal house in order and stop spending like Drunken Sailors.
Just to be clear:
Muslim – Ok?
Catholic – Ok?
Christian – Ok?
Mormon – Bad?
K, got it!
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Pretty much.
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under mormon rule, the foreign policy will be for all 300 million americans to go on missions trips telling people about Joseph Smith.
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UNDER MORMON RULE: the Kepler Telescope will be destroyed before it has a chance to discover each American’s telestial, celestial, or terrestrial planet of rule.
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Fly: “Feel free to add your own in the comments.”
Glad to see M. LeFly is taking notes from Reverends Rawng and Dull (that’s Right for you Sharpie gangsta’s).
As for the rest of the literati; somewhere, back when America was still America (the year of our Lord 2008 and infra), there was a document called the Constitution.
In it, there are a bunch of bills (but don’t let that bother you).
These were called Amendments (are you bored yet!).
It may be difficult, I know, with all products being labeled in multiple languages so that English speakers (readers?) may find it diffuCult to find: it’s called the first amendment.
THE FIRST AMENDMENT STATES…
wait..
oh
yes… (the relevant portion)
There shall be no establishment of religion.
THAT IS ALL… . …
Of course, I would “equally” expect a “tasteful and playful mockery” of Islam; which I’m certain will arrive hereon IBC soon one day.
Right?
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