I’ve been at the grill a lot these days, some good, some bad. When I fuck up, it is always negligence on my behalf. For example, tonight I took about 45 minutes preparing a mean marinade for my chicken. It was a balsamic and herb marinade that was sure to impress the family and perhaps some of the neighbors. Unfortunately, I didn’t feel like babysitting the grill, since my yard is plagued with mosquitos of barbaric proportions.
I visited said chicken every 10 minutes or so. I had no worries about a grease fire, since my marinade was without oil and my BBQ is brand fucking new.
Big fucking mistake.
The lighting in my backyard was off, due to some fucked up electrical issue that will be dealt with tomorrow. From a distance, I glanced at a bright orange color emanating from my stainless steel grill. I said, “Whoa upon said orange person that touches thy chicken. I will slay thee with great force of 1,000 lions.”
I flipped open the bullshit grill and the flames nearly melted my face off. Gingerly, I had placed a few cute lemons on the grill, in hopes of squeezing them onto my herbalicious chicken.
FUCKING CHARRED BEYOND RECOGNITION.
I had to rush inside and fetch a bottle of salt in order to douse the flames, before they burned down the whole fucking yard and maybe a house or two. I will have you know, Mrs. Fly was quite concerned over the status of her palm trees, as it is summer time, which means “the yard goes tropical.”
When the flames were suffocated and the chicken was procured, it looked like this:
Actual photo of Chef Fly’s dinner
Upon entering the house, I told the family, consisting of three hungry children and one angry wife: “dinner is served.”
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ROFL
Hahaha
nice. I had the brilliant idea of putting some 1/2 inch thick salami strips on the bbq the other day, that one ended with my wife calling the fire department.
That sounds good.
Foreshadowing?
Will the markets burn to the ground?
The important thing is that Fly’s kids were served.
JERK CHICKEN
LOL – we’ve all been there. Don’t let your meat loaf, and beware the flame-inducing properties of SCHMALTZ!
Looks like an episode of Jersey Shore. Same tans.
that is awesome …and amazing!
Nice counter top. Got any tips on granite shopping?
Buy whatever the wife wants.
My wife wanted marble this year. Go figure. It turns out the granite (which is less expensive I now know) is not warm enough for her.
And she liked the way the marble “wore” with age, which she sherlocked by inspecting the marble countertops in my grandmother’s Florida condo… which were circa mid-50’s or so.
But get this: “Warmer” it may be. But it’s also a heck of a lot more delicate.
So now she has a stroke anytime anyone brings a butter knife (or anything harder than a car shammy) within three feet of the island.
(sigh)
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Figured your island counter top would be made of gold.
That’s even more scratch and dentable…
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marble is the worst. One of my bathrooms has marble countertop: big mistake. Too porous.
You need to get this. It honestly works wonders. http://www.brookstone.com/grill-alert-talking-remote-meat-thermometers;jsessionid=F8F0C430B5D60AB227A989096FB4B94F
I had a similar experience one Christmas Eve. We had 20 people over and I was cooking two Prime Ribs on the rotisserie BBQ when one of my kids came in and said that the BBQ was smoking. I said it was suppose to do that but when i looked, I couldn’t believe it! It was a massive grease fire and I was worried about it setting the eves on fire. My sister in law was driving up the street and thought I had a roaring fire in the fireplace. Lucky for me, I still have a couple Halon Fire Extinguishers (fuck the ozone) and rescued $100 of Prime Rib.
Anyone spot the lemon?
LOL yea, I was going to mention that. Middle left side. You gotta cook that fucking chicken with much lower heat especially if you’re going to put on that sugary marinade. The question is, was it actually cooked through or just really fucking charred?
No way of knowing, as I threw it out.
I had the flames on low and it was nearly done. I tossed it on the back of the grill for 5 more minutes then the devil himself showed up and lit them aflame.
Try dry rubbing the chicken in ibuprofin, it reduces inflammation.
Is it a Weber grill?
New rating comment: This comment is not on fucking fire, the goddamn chicken is!!!
I just fucking fell out of my chair. Too funny.
Awww, fuck me.
Fly’s chicken ruined by mosquitos…indued. For a really tasty chicken done the Mexican way take orange juice and salt it until you almost throw up. Then grind lots of pepper in to it and then throw in the chicken for several hours. The salt breaks down the proteins in the chicken allowing it to fully absorb the orange juice, then, mosquitos be damned, watch it on the grill. The white meat even tastes good that way.
Nice tip, thanks.
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If you are cooking it slow that’s the best way (brining) to season a bird. If you are cooking it ‘fast’ the meat tends to be watery. IMO, better to salt/pepper and let it rest for a bit at room temp and try to reduce your OJ into a sauce that can be brushed on at the end of cooking.
Thats what the short sellers have looked like lately…
Really hilarious.
Good luck Mr. Fly next time.
I remember a bar in Ocean City Maryland that imported palm trees to the tune of 300k every summer. Is that what you are talking about – the yard goes tropical? I also have to wonder about a 5 legged 2 breasted chicken for 5 plus the neighbors – Fly is God
i do not feed neighbors. I endeavor to make them jealous vis fragrances emanating from my grill.
FAIL
That place is named Seacrets. I know people who go there and it looks like a god damn knee-deep septic tank.
Lol
How oon Earth do you find the time to do all these things ! do u ever sleep ? or just time travel ?
I am a man of great productivity and industry.
Do you get the big piece of chicken when it is not burnt to a crisp?
Those organic birds flare up everytime. Try the hormone injected gentically enhanced poultry next time, they’re flame retardant.
Just in case nobody noticed… The bears are gonna get their faces ripped off in the morning.
I do see the lemon there on the left.
On Jupiter’s Stone, I haven’t laughed that hard since the spicy lemonade story.
Did they eat it?
Fly I thought you were on a health kick and you grilling? Dude?
I tossed that shit away. Please don’t Remind me of the spicy lemonade
Fuck Italy
The Fly’s dinner fiasco is far more catastrophic!
go vegan you pussy ass bitch
only the mentally ill are vegan.
Dr. Copper is showing the way, we go higher.
I’d gnaw that in a second. That’s just SLIGHTLY charred.
Look for Bloomberg to arrive at your door with some well armed, black jump-suited thugs.
There’s no question you’ve exceeded your carbon footprint allocation for the quarter. You’ll have to come quietly.
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BTW — isn’t it like 105 degrees up there yet?
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WE CAN CONFIRM THERE IS NO LEAK AT REACTOR #2. THE CHICKEN IS SAFE. THANK YOU.
Looks far better than what I burned on the grill tonight.
What the fuck – 7 pieces and a half lemon for 5 people? Thats like an Ethipoian dinner.
Do you have little kids? They eat like birds. In fact, sometimes you have to force feed ’em like birds.
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Kids eat like birds
The dinner I made last night turned out well.
My bet is Fly will try this recipe with a higher care quotient in the future.
I, all the same, would (actually might) try that in a crock pot.
I remove the lid and juices the last 30-60 minutes to properly brown the meats and firm up the well moistened texture of the meat, ensureing its full quality.
Oh, and I might suggest Jeffrey Steingarten’s “It Must Be Something I At.” A real foodie’s classic that chronicles the “Need-To-Know” gourmet and weekly staples, plus includes neighbor-impressing recipes too.
LOL It’s hard to read this to others when you are laughing like a loon let me tell you. PLEASE someone if you have the link to the spicey lemonade story I’d love to read it.
I welcome all the newly converted to my spacious bandwagon… there is room for all… and all will be forgiven…
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They look like brownies in the shape of chicken
Spicy Lemonade story: http://ibankcoin.com/flyblog/2010/10/24/the-important-matter-of-spicy-lemonade/
“Fly goes grocery shopping” was also pretty damn funny.
“Korean dry cleaners” looked like it was heading in a good direction but I don’t think Fly ever told us the conclusion to that story.
Dont forget GHETTO FABULOUS.
http://ibankcoin.com/flyblog/2009/05/03/ghetto-fabulous/
Best one evah. I go back to it every now and then for a good laugh.
Glad I am vegetarian. Well China is in Party mood, but really everything will be up to the Clam and his testimony tomorrow.
10 more minutes and that yard bird will be done.
Five and dime plate.
You are one talented Cajun chef !!!!
clne smolin
Fly, I highly recommend the Big Green Egg for the best tasting BBQ and smoked meat. The food it produces is unparalleled in taste and moisture retention with minimum fuss. Slow cook or fast cook, it does it all. We bought ours about 1 year ago and without a doubt it’s the best “kitchen” purchase we have ever made. No grease pan, the wood catches the grease drops. I know, you just bought a new grill grill so this is not an option right now but maybe check it out for the future.
I have had my Weber for at least 10 years and am a heavy user here (3-4 times a week) here in Florida.
Been thinking of getting the Big Green Egg.
Going to save my pennies.
I’ve had my BGEgg for 5 years – I use my Weber to put my drinks on when I’m grillin. Temp regulation is easy = all day at 250 or blast at 750. Even up here in Canuckistan the BGE gets used 200+ days a year. Last night grilled halibut with stuffed portabellos.
Was it difficult to master regulating the heat?
So how much did the takeout prepared meals at Whole Foods end up costing you?
a little rice pilaf and a salad with center cut lamb chops over coals and some wood………….and i would have eatin the shit out of that chicken,didnt look bad at all.
Looking at the chicken alI have to said was “WELL DONE”
You need to get your yard sprayed.
your chicken statement is on fire 0 0
Like the granite counter top selection.
Cajun chicken, right?
Char Broil Red Grill to the rescue
http://www.homedepot.com/webapp/wcs/stores/servlet/ProductDisplay?storeId=10051&productId=202525445&langId=-1&catalogId=10053&ci_sku=202525445&ci_src=14110944&cm_mmc=shopping-_-googlebase-_-D28X-_-202525445&locStoreNum=2109
or http://tinyurl.com/642o3q8
Best freakin’ grill I’ve ever had – indirect heat prevents flareups. Okay, so it may be too declasse for some – on the other hand, you won’t be burning yer meat. Gets super hot for steaks and nice and low and slow for ribs. Get. This. Grill.
FUCKING HILARIOUS!!!!!!!!! I can solve your chicken cooking problems..FIRST – buy a WEBER and tap into your homes natural gas for endless supply, absolutely nothing grills like a WEBER!! – SECOND – off side grilling ..get the grill good and hot, turn one side of the grill off, place chicken on side that is turned off, close lid…leave it alone for about 45 minutes…..best grilled chicken you will ever have!!!!
Thanks for the laugh that’s funny ass shit.
Consider sending your yard boy to Lowes or Home Depot to purchase “Mosquito Bits Quick-Kill Mosquito” pellets. Put a small quantity in all sources of standing water, every outdoor plant container bottom (especially those that are attached to the pot), water features including fountains and ponds and EVERY other water source standing or not.. Your mosquito problem will be corrected by Monday.
none of my business but, the solution is the “Big Green Egg”
It takes a tough man, to make a tender chicken.
But it takes a Stock God (or a trip to the surface of the sun) to incinerate a bird like that.
If the Italian bond bids go well tomorrow and I reckon they will because the ECB will be buying in the undergrowth this market could spike higher.
thats all thats left? small eaters come on Le Fly serve up monstrous portions. BTW, everyone has suffered that fate at one time or another..think Trico
Heavily salted, “indeud.”