Sage Investing Advice from a Fictitious Television Mobster

Great show, if you are unfamiliar.

The bears lost it all today. This is the day everything changed, with regards to Europe. The central bankers, specifically the Fed, has reminded you once again that they are not interested in ceding power. The market can trade lower on fundamentals. But the prospect of the euro collapsing is zero. Forget about your bitter dreams of blissful calamity. We are now sledding, 250 mph downhill, cutting off heads on the way down.

Into the pocket of opportunity, I will remain long AG, EXK, NGD and RGLD because I know how the market works. I will remain long LULU, AKS, RBCN, GSVC, BZH and WNR because I know how the market works.

This week, thus far, I’ve recovered millions. Today’s gains were an eye popping 6.2%, putting me above 12% for the year.  I was down for a minute or two; but now I’m resurrected–eating brains all the way to the bank.

2012 will mark the ascension of Le Fly, through the establishment of a hedge fund. Unfortunately for you, none of you will be invited.

Bernanke laid the perfect trap for you bitchasses. He knew S&P would move on the banks. He didn’t say a word until they made their move. Like the true chess master that he is, he defeated S&P before they started their assault on the US banking system.  In the after hours last night, short sellers went all in, hoping for the worst, expecting tragedy.

Bernanke exacted maximum pain on your bullshit brokerage accounts by dropping the hammer on you “DEFCON 3” brainless, dickless know nothings–precisely at the time you were caught leaning hardest. Sublime.

The time for your disposal is now. People have had enough of your haphazard advice on CNBC. Resign from your post now and enjoy your retirement, old man.

I’m speeding through time today, up another 5%, making that +11% for the year aka better than you.

The gauntlet has been laid down and the competition isn’t up to the task. Shhh, don’t comment here on iBC today. Don’t tell us about your average ups and don’t post your thoughts. This is your funeral.

Enjoy it.

I bought 30,000 AKS

Who exactly do you think you are? You and your friends, clad in burlap, were going to take down the world banking system from the un-luxury of your bullshit pleather chairs from staples? Did you really think they would not throw the kitchen sink in, giving it one last go, prior to melting down?

Right.

Seriously, that was some amateur shit right there. Hold onto my coattails, I will teach you what you need to be told.

The cromagnon on CNBC (Cramer) is no longer fear mongering via threats of “DEFCON 3,” following the unprecedented coordinated efforts by the world’s central banks to inject liquidity. Shame on Cramer for being so naive as to believe they would not inflate. SHAME!

Once again, the power elite has demonstrated their insanity and fetish for free money. I want you to remember this moment as you absorb LARGE capital losses. I do not mean that in an ill-spirited way either–quite the contrary. The market is the ultimate humbling mechanism–doling out beat downs for more than 100 years. It’s important to learn from mistakes in order to avoid them in the future. Like I said several days ago, major central bank intervention was all but guaranteed. Europe had days left before panic set in, ripping apart century old institutions. I refused to capitulate, after incurring large capital losses, because I felt my errors would start compounding on one another.

It’s one thing to buy high. It’s entirely unacceptable to sell too low.

Today’s rally is going to be intense. There might be some early give back. However, rest assured, the bears are going to panic out and cover shorts, lending tinder to the fire that is already raging. Naturally, this is all inflationary and will help the prospects of gold and silver–longer term.

With year to date gains of +6%, I intend to take what’s rightfully mines today. With Santa Ben’s assistance and The PPT (flagged OVERSOLD on 11/23), I shall retake my annual highs of +16%, AND MORE.

Gentlemen, I give you salsa.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gAlATS5ioAg

POOF!  Your bullshit European crisis is over!

-Merlin

Being that we get new readers everyday and we’ve made multiple changes here over the past 3 months, I figured it made sense to interrupt your pathetic lives to give you a grande tour of the decadent and illustrious halls of iBankCoin.

As you know, I am your host, “The Fly” aka Plutonium Petey aka Senor Tropicana aka HORATIO CLAWHAMMER. I founded this blog while mining for plutonium in the outer reaches of the Mongolian steppe. I manage money, professionally, read 880 words per minute and have an IQ of 155. In my spare time, I like to go on late night drives and abduct farmers from Ohio, in order to launch them into outer space (spaceship).

ChessnWine and Ragin Cajun are the technical experts on iBankCoin. They run one of our premium services here, 12631, and have done a phenomenal job this year. What’s more impressive is their discipline in such a bad tape. In his spare time, Chess likes movies, riding elk, and playing with gunpowder, while Ragin Cajun greatly enjoys fine dining and collecting high end Grandfather clocks.

Jakegint aka SENATOR aka CEMENT HEAD (CH) is the cult leader on iBankCoin, with regards to precious metals. He alleges to have an IQ of 155.1; but I think he’s making that shit up just to one up me. In his spare time, Jake likes to attend liberal fundraisers and is an avid collector of classic Chevy Volts.

Woodshedder aka Woodshedder specializes in system trading. At the moment, Wood is a ranking member of t both he Virginia Tea Party and Occupy Richmond movement. In his spare time, Wood likes to collect masters degrees and rusted engines.

Scott Bleier aka “The Human Megaphone” is the oldest of the iBankCoin staff writers. Scott has been trading stocks since the 1940’s and has endured wars, famine and pestilence with outstanding results. In his spare time, Scott enjoys to smoke Pall Mall cigarettes (no filter), while chewing on tobacco.

Caine Thaler is the newest writer on iBC and possibly the youngest. Caine is very secretive and doesn’t like the “inconvenience” of incandescent lighting. Growing up in Detroit, Caine is an avid spectator of violent crimes and has testified in 8 different murder trials- each of which were thrown out due to hung jury.

Jeremy the IT guy aka VINCENZO is the wizard behind all of iBankCoin’s grandeur and disaster. Jeremy is filthy rich and lives on a 40 acre estate, filled with cheap labour aka “illegal Mexicans.” When not coding from his 5th floor office of his house, Jeremy enjoys to drag race funny cars on his fucking racetrack. Asshole.

CRONKITE is iBC’s news anchor and can be found inside IBC’s Financial News Network. He posts about 100 stories per day and sleeps about 10-12 hours per week. In his spare time, Cron enjoys to smoke marijuana and cook high end French cuisine.

The Financial News Network is where all of the news is posted. The blogs are mainly opinion, with a blend of utility. If you want to know who is bombing who and what companies are fucked, visit the news section.

The Blogger Network is my latest creation. It is a place where distinguished gentlemen with top hats go to blog about stocks, bonds and mutual funds. Since being launched last month, it has taken a 5% share of iBC’s overall traffic aka “very good.” There are over 150 registered bloggers in the network and I welcome all with an opinion to join. It’s free. Also, whoever is atop the Blogger Network Leaderboard at the end of every month will earn the title of “Featured Blogger” for the following month. This is a new feature that will be implemented in December.

Courtesy of The PPT, the following stocks are vacillating near their 20 day moving averages (we’ve digitized your stupid charts) with percentage of shares sold short more than 10% and have a technical score that is considering to be good and getting better, according to The PPT algorithms.

GRMN
NDN
PDLI
CBST
WR
ROSE
DECK
PPC
CLR
CRZO

The entirely of the screen has 48 names. All are screened for minimum average daily volume of 500k. Why bother buying stocks that are heavily shorted?

Coming out of a swoon, short sellers serve as tinder for the fire that rages in the general market. It’s not a surprise to see heavily shorted stocks broadly outperforming the overall market on upswings. At the same token, heavily shorted stocks tend to get fucked hardest when markets reverse lower. Why? Because lazy short sellers pile onto heavily shorted names, figuring smarter people than them have already done the homework.

If the market gets going again, I will be a big buyer of stocks that are heavily shorted. But they are just trades. Remember that. I have no interest in seeing if the short sellers are correct through abysmal quarterly earnings reports.

Into recovery, we have 7% upside in this tape. At 7% on the S&P, many high beta names will return 20%. It is my duty to find several and milk them of their nectar.

Ladies and gentlemen, where the Turkey Gods failed you, the blades of Santa’s sleigh will deliver. The time has come to turn up the musica and dance on the faces of short sellers. They are everywhere, like a disease. You need to rout them out and smoke them (no Bush) for the sake of humanity. All of this talk of collapse has me sick to my stomach. On the eyes of Athena, this war hasn’t even begun.

Take your Italian yields and put them on a hero. Dress that hero with extra virgin olive oil, herbs de provence and balsamic vinegar, then shove it up your ass.

“The Fly” doesn’t like to worry about money. This shit should be automatic, like my car. I want to eat on my gold plated dishes in peace, without assholes like you zerohedging my breakfast.

Thus far, I’m up another 1.2% today, making that +6.2% over the past two days.

All of you clowns can fuck missile interceptors and solar panels for all I care.

Rumor has it S&P is setting up to downgrade France over the next two weeks. However, yields are dropping in France and our markets are edging higher. Basically, longs are pissing on the heads of shorts.

In case you were wondering the extent of the carnage within the banks, FAS (3x upside bank ETF) is the worst performing ETF over the past month– down 34%. Surprisingly, EDC (3x upside emerging markets) is the second worst performing ETF, down over 32%. XIV (inverse volatility) rings in at -29% and ERX (3x upside oil stocks) is down 27%, over the course of the past month.

On the internet, everyone likes to talk shit. We’re all heroes and everyone is a millionaire. However, I know many of you are down for the year, even though you won’t admit it. I see the carnage in my world, first hand, through accounts that are self directed. Do not beat yourself up over losses. This has been a very tricky market. I’ve been fucked all year round, vacillating between gains and losses, despite my calculator brain. Ask yourself, if space alien magicians can’t make money in this tape, how can I?

Precisely.

Many of you do not stand a chance. Your brains are simply too small and your DNA holds you back from seeing through the forest. Hang in there and be patient. Soon enough, this market will get easy, enabling retards to morph into geniuses.

Over the past month, some mega cap stocks have performed well, like EL, LOW, SNP and VRX. But I am not interested in that shit. I like mean-reversion. Meaning: I want to own what others are selling, mainly because they are jackasses and wrong. On the other end other mega cap spectrum is LYG, BAC, MS, SLF, ING, C, CS, IBN, SLT, NMR, DB, MT, MFC and RIG–all down more than 22% over the past month. That’s a hard basket to own and Cramer is looking for DEFCON 3 in the financials. I am not going to buy them; but I am not scared of them at these levels. Hidden in that mix is MT. That might be a buy, as well as SLT.

STAY AWAY FROM RIG. Those fuckers are a mess. They are selling shares after buying the shit out of their own stock at much higher prices. They are, without a doubt, in crisis mode–just like NFLX.

Bottom line: the market seems to want higher. I am not giddy and do not have the right to brag just yet. But the action is definitely encouraging.

NOTE: Iran raided a British embassy. Oil works here and the WTI-Brent spread should widen, putting the refiners back in play.