DEATH, MISERY and a BEAR MARKET

You’re all inexorably fucked for an extended period of time. My misfortune is not having more cash on a day like today. Your misfortune is not having a brain to wade through the muck we face over the next two years.

The market is a minefield, filled with Bouncin’ Bettys, of pain and misery. Commiserate with your stupid friends over the good times you had, playing about the stocked market in all sorts of nefarious names, cheerfully and expressively making money in a very flamboyant way.

Those days are officially over. You must prepare yourselves for a new ‘calm normalcy’, one of wanton depression and vagrancy.

Your jobs will soon be lost.

Your retirement funds will be clever’d in half.

Your wife and kids will leave you because you’ll be penniless, retarded and dependent on alcohol.

This is the nascency of your problems. Ironically, they were all ‘made in china’, just like the cheap wares you bought yourself at Walmart, in an effort to save money and waste the said savings on drugs and alcohol.

THIS IS DISASTER. Brace for it.

Happy trading 🙂

The last time the NASDAQS fell by more than 5%, aside from 2015’s -5.65% showing, was in 2010 and 2011.

What happened next, back then?

In September of 2010, the NASDAQ pounded shorts into fucking clown-dust to the tune of +13.17%.

In September of 2011, the NASDAQ declined by -4.49%.

Howsoever, in both years, the NASDAQ ran hard in October, to the tune of +6.34% and +10.4%, respectively.

In other words, bears, enjoy your happy tidings, for this wave of pessimism is bound to pass with the leaves of summer.

It’s gonna be a hot Fall.

Data provided by Exodus.

So many of you forget that there is a whole world outside of stocks. There are countless things to do with idle time than try to trick your neighbor into selling his shares to you at a discounted value. The allure of wealth and freedom is too much for many of you to bear. It poisons your minds to do stupid things. As a result, you end up losing vast sums of dollars, broke, ruined, a naked forked radish.

To quote a great man: it’s the baseless fabric of a vision that will be your undoing.

Avarice and greed are deadly components that can easily ruin a perfectly good life. Do you really need all of that money, or simply want it?

My old mentor was the most gluttonous person that I’ve ever met. He drove Ferraris and wore 250k watches, bragging about his wealth and making sure his homofied condo in NYC was adorned with fresh flowers three times per week. One day, while on vacation, he took the sun at a beach, a private one no doubt. Apparently he had a neck cramp and exhibited signs of discomfort. What a shame!

One of the fellow, well-to-do, vacationers witnessed his discomfort and asked if he could help. As luck would have it, my mentor was sun bathing on a private beach with a well-to-do chiropractor. The chiropractor asked that he lay face down in the sand, in order to properly reposition his spine. How wonderful!

“Snap, crackle, pop,” and his neck was broken. After six months of rigorous rehabilitation, my mentor was ready to Eddie Barzoon his way across the country again, wheeling and dealing to his hearts delight.

I am filled with questions today. Pardon me as I take the day off and let you answer all of the questions.

Look at all of them oil stocks up 15% today. Aside from The Devil, who called me the other day to tell me he was long oil via OAS, I know very few people who had the guts to step into the Saudi sandbox a week ago. Had you done so, and exhibited a modicum of internal fortitude, you’d be up 30% today.

Alas the joys of end of world trading volatility. Oil stocks trade down, uninterrupted, for 6 straight months and then explode by +30% and we’re all supposed to get excited about it. Well, pardon me once again if I opt to not give a shit and instead favor loafing about the house in my robe, drinking coffee and throwing pastries onto my neighbors lawn.

Stocks sucks. I have 25% cash left. God willing I will add to my positions in a timely manner.

That is all.

I haven’t been paying attention to the market today. Please, tell me, what did I miss?

I am sure deep down, I’ve been worried to pieces. There must be something unique taking place in the oil markets, given the price volatility. I am 100% certain all of you are working diligently, as I loaf about the house eating pastries. Don’t worry about Le Fly gaining weight and becoming obese either, for he is genetically dispositioned to be thin.

At any rate, I must be going now. I think I hear the kettle whistling and I am a bit parched from all of these pastries.

Talk later, ciao.

A sufficient amount of people were sucked back into the markets last week. As such, futures are inexplicably diving lower by 150 and your prospects for fortune have all but withered away and dissipated into the wind, like the embers from the bones of a body that was just doused with petrol and set aflame near a breezy beach.

I can only hope that the final 25% cash that I am holding can be allocated in a smart manner, away from impulsive acts of greed. This squall that we are going through has been run of the mill for the past 2 years. This hasn’t been a “good” market for a long time. It’s a traders/stock pickers market, loaded with lots of inverse fixin’s and bottomless money pits.

Into further weakness, I am a buyer of MNST, DIS, AMCX, CYBR and even YELP. I also think gold can begin to counter-trend the downward action again.

I am only interested in the next move higher for a trade; because I feel, without a shadow of a doubt, that this market is entirely fucked for at least two years–as we digest a gross deceleration of growth emanating from the dog-eating nation of China.

Do I trust the PBOC to bail themselves out and renew China to its former inglorious methods of fast growing and corrupt chicanery?

I most certainly do not.

This movie really sucked, truth be told. As a salesman in the brokerage industry, it was revered as a ‘must see’, due to the scene when Alec Baldwin, the asshole from “Downtown” on a “mission of mercy”, comes to excoriate and upbraid an office filled with pikers, save Al Pacino who was likely out closing a deal.

As a critic of cinema, I give this movie a kick into the nuts and oversee it swimming down a sewer pipe. However, from a position of being a ‘supreme asshole’, I rate the scene of Alec Baldwin removing coffee from an old man’s hand with his words alone, along with the subsequent firing of the entire salesforce, wholly described as an act of mercy and motivation, to be entirely first notch and a joy to see.

You think I’m fucking with you?

Bear in mind, the iBankCoin 2nd Annual Investors conference is right around the corner, with a decadently arranged VIP party to follow that evening, on October the 24th, 2015. When there, I will be anonymous, amongst you, mingling like an ordinary reader. Perhaps we will discuss the end of the world as we know it, plunging equity markets and the proliferation of thermal-nuclear devices to be used for offensive purposes only.

Jeff Kohler aka The Option Addict, alongside Jeff Macke and Josh Brown, will be hosting the event, educating the masses on how to comport themselves when investing in bear markets. There will be a gratuitous amounts of food and beverage served, at the Yale Club in NYC. During the VIP after-party, I look forward to seeing many of you get inebriated and act ridiculous. This is most likely the very last iBC Conference ever, for I do not have the will-power or the time to wade through this again.

Since the majority of our readers are in the Tri-state area, I expect a strong turn-out. If not, I will track you down and murder you, as soon as you wake up the following day.

If you want details or have questions regarding the event, email me at [email protected].

Stocks went down today, following a 1,000 point melt up. This isn’t a bad signal. However, I do not expect the market to climb another thousand any time soon. I fully expect a resumption of boredom to grasp the markets by its head next week, offering entry points for both bears and bulls for the final show-down of 2015, which will take place in the month of September.

I like gold and restaurants heading into the fall (did I really just say that?). I’ll see you fuckers tomorrow.

My swan dive into the waterless pool has been enjoyable, thus far. Into the final hour of trade, I hereby call upon all of the ancient spirits to go full goblin on the bears, eating off their ugly faces and snapping their necks in half like pretzels.

My top holdings are as follows.

CYBR
ONCE
AMCX
YELP
BIDU
AAPL
PANW
GILD
BX
GG
SBUX

I entreat thee to bet against me. Art thou ballsy enough to muster the heat from hither?

I thought not.

I bought some motherfucking YELP, straight out of the garbage can next to the spoiled carrots and cabbage.